So me and OH have been together 5 years - we have an amazing relationship, we are best mates and have always had insane sexual chemistry. He is naturally an extrovert and takes a more dominant role in most areas of our lives, im an introvert and am more submissive - the balance generally works great for us.
We are very open sexually and have tried lots of new things together. Over lockdown we have discussed taking things a bit further and exploring BDSM some more. We decided to take the mojoupgrade quiz for fun and compare our results. Rape play was one of his top 3 and for some reason I was a bit suprised initially. We chatted a bit and i asked him to go off and write a fantasy scene so i could see what he had in mind (weāve been writing erotic stories/scenes that weād actually like to play out over lockdown to keep ourselves amused). He came back with a scene that involved following me into the toilets in a nice bar, and forcing himself on me, telling me to stay quiet and i wont get hurt, do as he says kind of thing. I do cum in the scene and he describes me as having a mixture of fear and excitement.
Now, half of me finds this a complete turn on and really an extension of our dom/sub roles, and i know that rape fantasies are pretty common for women (most often in the victim role). But i guess we dont hear that as much for guys (assuming they are taking on the ārapistā role). I have a tendency so completely over analyse stuff so I suppose its been playing on my mind why he would find the idea of raping a turn on?
He is so caring and generous as a person, i can ask him for pretty much anything and likewise i would do the same for him. We have also discussed me dominating him in the bedroom and hes totally up for that, and in general life heās always trying to get me to be more confident and make decisions.
Just wondering what other peopleās views are on rape fantasies from the male side of things (again i know Iām making a generalisation that the man is in the dominant role)?
I canāt give a male perspective but I can give a dominant (and generally kinky) perspective. (Obviously everything I say is based on having a fully consenting partner)
It could simply be the taboo aspect. Many people get a thrill from doing something that they feel they shouldnāt be doing. This can be fairly mild or far more extreme.
As your partner as included you orgasming in the scene, it suggests that his fantasy is less about forcing you into something you wouldnāt enjoy rather but forcing you to discover something you will enjoy. As a Dominant, I get off on my partner enjoying what Iām doing to them. I love finding new ways to make them squirm and squeal and ultimately moan. A rape fantasy is a sort of extension to this idea; you are saying no but you want to say yes but you are just too afraid and they are unlocking this part of you, freeing you from whatever is making you say no.
@Sugarplum21 from a male perspective (well mine anyway) - itās no from me.
Iāve no issue with taboo subjects, fantasies, domination/submission included, and Iām sure other opinions will be different. But to me itās a step to far. Much like highly exaggerated age play itās a little too close to a very negative aspect of sex for me. Having known people who have been in real life situations in this area thereās nothing that would attract me to it and itās a role I could never play.
You should never judge others but from the male perspective that would be a turn off for me. The idea of rape is something that goes beyond submissive and dominant.
Rape fantasies are pretty common for all sorts of reasons. Taboo, power dynamics, taking control of something usually uncontrollable etc. The important thing to remember is that the appeal is all fictional, it doesnāt mean they would want to actually hurt someone, and it doesnāt mean they arenāt disgusted by the real crime.
The fact heās willing to discuss this with you probably means he feels quite safe that you wonāt judge him for it. If you want to know what the appeal is for him personally, the best thing you can do is sit down and have a talk, but be aware that, as with many kinks, it can be hard to put the appeal into words.
It sounds like you have been thinking about it a bit and if you are both on board and gave half scripted it out, then by all means see how it plays out.
Have a good conversation about limits and create a safeword for play to stop and maybe another word for play to calm down like āhave mercyā.
People like things for different reasons but it seems like control is a bit factor in this one.
Have fun, but keep it sane.
Thanks Calie, thats a really interesting point regarding it being about forcing me into something i will essentially enjoy and not so much the actual idea of carrying out a ārapeā.
Thanks for the replies - it looks like people are pretty split on this particular one, and interesting that it seems to be that guys are more uncomfortable with the idea than women.
Iāve seen a few women mention on here that theyāve carried out such role plays with their partners, but at their request not their male partner, so I wonder how into it the guy is when heās having to carry it out? Do they get just as turned on or are they feeling a bit wrong?
I am male , but canāt , naturally speak for all men .
The rape fantasy disturbs me , because it is such a vile crime , BUT , I once went with a woman with whom we played out violent sex scenes.
I would hold her down, while she struggled and bit . Eventually she succumbed. I " forced" myself on her , and penetrated her .
It was violent , but after we both climaxed , we would be entwined in each others arms .
Sometimes , she would dominate , and force herself on me ( she was actually quite strong)
The key to this is , that it was consensual.
The second that either of us got uncomfortable, it stopped .
Safe , sane and consensual, must be the rule .
The key takeaways here for me are to do with that safe, sane consensual mantra.
Safe- you have been in a relationship with each other for a while, and should be able to judge whether you have built the trust and communication to a level where you can both meaningfully and consciously consent and withdraw consent. You should also both feel able to have open and honest communication with each other to be able to discuss the fantasies before and after.
Sane- this is not rape. Rape is a non-consensual criminal act. Consensual non-consent is fundamentally consensual at itās heart. Much of BDSM play is in done in an ironic, or fantasy headspace. Itās perfectly possible to be a decent human and believe that men should not actually rape women, while playing with rape as a taboo fantasy material in specific negotiated scenes.
Consensual- this is is something you both want to do. Itās also worth bearing in mind that anyone outside of your discussions who witnesses this play is not consenting, so could be offended, triggered or may try to intervene, so itās best not to do this where others may overhear or discover you.
As a male, I canāt help but find the idea to rape utterly repugnant, even in a roleplay scenario: I suppose I just like my partner to be willing and enthusiastic!
Having said that, of course, I donāt mind at all if my wife straps me to the bench and has her way with me. In my mind, and because Iāve helped her get me into that predicament, I donāt count it as the same thing. One is definitely willing, while the other is not, if that makes senseā¦?
Even when tied and used/abused, the act should always be respectful, for me at least. I donāt know if that helps you or not, only you can truly know what youāre willing to accept. Best of luck with it allā¦!
Weāve never done any role play, I wouldnāt make her do something she doesnāt like because that takes the enjoyment away if she isnāt having a good time. However, we do BDSM (me being dominant male) and one of the sexiest parts is her struggling/resisting the ropes which really gives that feeling of dominance.
I would be up for acting one of these fantasies out because thatās all it is, a fantasy, two consenting adults having fun and doesnāt mean you would ever want to actually do it to anyone. But if anyone is going to do this MAKE A SAFE WORD!!!
EDIT: just because you role play as a fireman, doesnāt mean you actually want to be a fireman
As a female whoās been raped twice, itās a big no, itās not even an fantasy, itās a nightmare. Our sex life is BDSM, heās the dominant one and Iām the submissive. Heās always said that heāll never take it too far cos of what Iāve been through. Weāll do the spankings, tied up, tied down, blindfolded but itās all with consent and not rape scenarios, but each to their own suppose
Another male perspectiveā¦ I would be massively into this - obviously as a consensual fantasy within a relationship of mutual trust. Many kinks/fetishes and bdsm behaviours are ways of playing with power, control, domination and violence, but in controlled, safe, and hopefully mutually fulfilling ways. CNC fantasies just push this to one particular extreme.
I think there are two fundamental things to noteā¦
if someone is excited by a fantasy scenario, it doesnāt follow that they are remotely interested in the real equivalent. For example, someone who is into puppy play and dressing their partner up as a dogā¦ it definitely doesnāt automatically mean they are secretly into bestiality! Same thing with age play, or with non- consent fantasies, and any other kinks.
if you want to pursue this scenario, obviously trust, openness and respect are going to be crucial. And it will be particularly important to put safeguards in place. You should absolutely agree a clear safe word, and preferably a safe gesture - so you can draw a very clear line between saying ānoā in the roleplay and saying ānoā for real.
Edit: you could maybe use the classic traffic light system, where āredā means āstop everythingā, but saying āamberā means āIām not into this specific thingā?
Role playing is just that, role playing. Usually if someone has a problem they usually keep it to themselves. The two of you are open & seem to be very in love so donāt let over analysis cause issues with an open solid relationship.