Hi @partypixie,
First of all, welcome back!
Sounds quite a difficult situation, for both of you! No easy fixes that I could suggest unfortunately, but can relate to being on both sides (my OH spends a lot of time in her head about things too).
First questions I’d ask are around your new guy, and the anxiety itself, where that comes from and if he is doing anything to try and work through this. It’s obviously something you’re aware of and is impacting you both, is he able to talk through what is going on after the event or even during the moment when he is in his head?
The word anxiety is used in so many ways these days, it seems to be a catch all, but there could be limitless reasons behind the anxiety itself. As I mentioned in post you replied to, I’m in recovery myself, and over last 3 years done a lot of self reflection and work on my recovery - it’s not easy, but certainly been worth it. I’m happy to share more around that if you have any questions at all.
It sounds like you are both getting to know each other still, and that in itself will add to the situation you are both in, building trust, getting to know each other, unsure of how each other will or should react to situations, the usual new relationship minefield of getting to know each other.
Another assumption I am making here is you’re quite taken by the guy, you’ve took the time and effort to come on here and look for/ask for some suggestions. Well done for that, you’re already supporting him, and he will be very grateful I am sure!
As you have mentioned, the anxiety, head stuff, performance and libido are all interlinked, and most likely all feeding each other more and more, and create a negative spiral. Main suggestion is communication between the two of you, being open honest yet mindful and understanding. This becomes very difficult, as on your part it is tough. To sit and listen without judgement, and to try being empathetic is never easy, especially when someone is self critical and we simply cannot see how.
My OH is gorgeous to me, but she has times she hates her body. I have to accept how she see’s herself is true for her.
My legs (I have a progressive neurological condition) used to leave me feeling ‘defective’ and I’d use sex to prove to myself I am not. I did this for so many years, had no idea I was doing it, but when I was single and not having sex, it fed into a similar negative spiral. I was defective, women wouldn’t come near me because of that, and thats why I would stay single etc., It was all in my head!
Anyhow, I digress.
So yes, it is a very tough situation for you, as whilst you’re listening and being supportive, your insides will be screaming ‘what about me?’, especially when you’re being left ‘high and dry’ as it were. Again, need to talk about it. It is OK to have your needs too, and maybe need to think if there are alternative ways of having those met? And that might depend on type of anxiety, or situation you are in. Would your guy see a toy as a threat? Or validation he is not good enough? Maybe thats a line of discussion, that he could use toys with/on you to help satisfy your needs. It may take pressure off him a little. Just be mindful around what his ‘stuff’ is in terms of suggestions. Some guys can see toys as a threat, that they themselves are not enough. And of course, that could impact his stuff more. If that is an issue, maybe using toys solo, although it is not quite the same. Could try video calls, and saying you are struggling - you need him to tell you what to do as you cannot get over the line yourself, might help build his confidence.
The other thing can look at is just building on intimacy, trust and confidence without additional pressure. Bathing/showering together, massages, naked twister, body painting, whatever you’d both enjoy without the pressure of sex at the end of it.
After what feels like a long answer and a lot of waffle, I guess what my ultimate suggestion would be is time, patience, understanding, allowing both of you to feel vulnerable with each other, and of course communication.
Not actually sure if that is any help or if I’ve come anywhere near answering your questions, but happy to answer any questions you may have, and of course I am no expert in this stuff, just understand my own experiences a lot better these days