Twice in one year 😫

Sex Tips & Talk
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Hi again everyone,

I posted back in June/July about the lack of sex life (once in 6 months) with my long term partner (talked about it, she doesn’t want to feel pressured, and nothing changed) so I decided to absolutely not pressure her so no sexual comments, no ‘hilarious’ sex one-liners, and when (on the rare occasion) we were in bed together I made zero moves/suggestions and waited for her to make the first move.

Zero sex/sexual things from June onwards :slightly_frowning_face: not even on holiday.

Been thinking we’re more like housemates than husband and wife right now.

Fast forward to December and I’ve been feeling down (possibly mildly depressed) especially when I couldn’t think of what to get her for Christmas. I couldn’t think of anything ‘special’ besides the usual chocolates and I thought ‘I don’t feel the same way I used to’ and this bothers me.

She cottoned on to this last night and I said that I was feeling down about life, career, etc and came out with ‘you’re not going to leave are you?’
I wasn’t trying to play on any insecurity but that’s the first thing she said to me.

(Side note, I can’t afford to leave anyway, wouldn’t have enough money for rent etc)

I say ‘No’ and say that thinking about the past year, I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing just essentially treading water. It’s not unusual to feel down at Christmas

Later suggests cuddling naked, which I agree to (with no expectations) which does lead to sex (in missionary which I am SO BORED WITH) while she uses a vibe ring to bring her to orgasm in about 5 min, I was miles off from orgasm and frankly not enjoying it. If I were to rate it it would be 2/5​:slightly_frowning_face:

Have I fallen out of love with her? Or is this a long rough patch that everyone goes through? I’ve suggested trying different things in bed before but get shot down, anyone got any suggestions for spicing up missionary position?

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I bloody love missionary - with the exception of doggy, nothing else really does it for me. It just hits all the right spots that other positions don’t so from a female perspective it’s far from boring. Plus it allows you to actually look at each other.

Ways to spice it up:
Pin her arms down above her head
Play with/suck her nipples
Watch her play with her nipples
Get her to masturbate her clit
Lift her legs right up so her knees are by her head
Reach round to finger her arse
Have her do the same to you
Vary the speed/depth/rhythm to keep you both on the edge of orgasm.
Interchange with oral

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Thanks @Pandora some of those are out of bounds, she’s gone off oral about 10 years ago :sob: and never liked any anal play.
Might try the leg thing if I get the chance

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I know what you’re talking about about the missionary position, I felt that way for a long time. Nowadays I can tell you that it’s one of the best, because we don’t hold back from having pleasure.

Put your wife’s legs in the air, you’ll see the difference and so will she :blush: When I did this for the first time it was the beginning of the end of vanilla sex and for our couple it was a gradual transformation towards a more kinky and frequent sex life.

To have good sex, you have to come out of your shell and fulfill certain fantasies. And for that you have to talk to her about what you would like to do and listen to her part.

It will seem strange the first few times but it is necessary and it will become natural to talk about sex over time. When you reach this point, nothing fails.

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Sorry to read things haven’t improved.

I think its very telling that your wifes first reaction was that you might leave and then she suggests cuddling that leads to sex…to me that sounds intentional and that it was obly to give you what you want, sorry to say.

I love missionary for the close sensual feelings, but if you’re not feeling that way, I can imagine it being really awkward.

Have you fallen out of love with her? Maybe, only you can answer that but it doesn’t sound like a very loving relationship. I can’t remember if you both had went to counselling but if not then I’d recommend it.

Staying with someone for convenience isn’t nice for either of you. A lot of couples in the same situation separate but still live together and have separate bedrooms bc of the money aspect. I would try everything you possibly can to make it work and save as much as you can in the meantime. And if throwing every possible effort into the relationship, doesn’t improve things, then I’d leave. If it does, go on a honeymoon.

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My relationship isn’t as bad as yours by the sound of it, and your story makes me appreciate what I do have a little more.

I have faced times where we’ve rowed and it’s come to me leaving - which at times can be tempting, especially as I earn a very very good wage and Wud be financially stable.

Even tho I’d resent her after we’d split I guess, I care about her too much and cudn put that financial hardship on her, as she earns a low-ish wage. I cudn be mean to her even if we weren’t together.

So yes, many relationships go thru dry difficult spells.

It’s worth remembering that while your trying to clutch and make good a bad relationship, years often pass - at the end I’ve often thought about how much time I’d wasted, til one day your a lot older and u realise your out of time.
(Another reason for putting the work into saving your current one)

Marriage takes work for sure, no one said it was going to be easy.

Dunno about u, but it can be very frustrating that the partner who doesn’t want intimacy gets their own way pretty much all the time, but the partner who just wants love, care and closeness is made to go without.
Pretty sure we didn’t sign up for that on our wedding day, else we’d of run a mile.
Just my negative side talking, the voice in my head I’m not allowed to let out

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Sounds like you need more commutation in your relationship. I would have this discussion with her about what is making you unhappy and what you both can do to help each other. My wife tell me foreplay starts in the kitchen lol

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As others have said this doesn’t sound like it bodes well. She hasn’t wanted sex then does, and doesn’t seem to care that you didn’t enjoy it, only that she does? That’s not good.

My first thought is if she just wants to masturbate then why make sex such a priority? How about mutual masturbation, would it turn you on to help her/watch her masturbate? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, so if she wants to lie on your bed together and masturbate, so can you.

Others have given you some great ideas to spice up missionary and I hope they help you. I like those above me love missionary for the intimacy, whether it be kinky or loving. Many of those ideas we have implemented/do inplement, but it sounds like your wife might not be so open-minded. What are her objections to oral/anal play? Maybe we can help you to help her lower her barriers a little.

As for attraction, people do fall in and out of love all the time. All relationships take some degree of work, but the best ones never stop trying.

Good luck, and I hope we can help you turn this around :blush:

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Only you can answer that question but it does sound like you might do well to see a doctor or consider a few therapy sessions if able to get some to talk about this all… maybe even consider couples counselling if you’d be up for it and her…

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Thanks for all the advice/info everyone. We’ve not been to counselling, slightly tricky as that’s her profession so the chances are she’d know the one doing the counselling!

I know what @JoCat means, months of zero interest and then me saying I’m feeling down she instigates sex.

My problem with missionary is that it’s always the same: me on top, her with a vibe ring on her clit, no talking, her telling me ‘faster/slower/not so deep’ and her finishing with an orgasm before I get anywhere. Years before when we had sex more often than twice a year it wasn’t so bad as I might finish before her.
It’s just not stimulating enough.

Some more context, we sleep in different beds as our child still cosleeps with her (I do find that weird, I’ve brought it up and it’s caused loads of trouble)

@Tenshadesandme I’m not sure she masturbates, never caught her in 20 years. Many years ago I did go down on her which she seemed to enjoy but she’s gone right off that for reasons she’s not explained. She doesn’t like giving blowjobs, I can count on one hand the number she’s done in 20 years. :sob:

Guess we need another uncomfortable chat about where we are going.

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You said in your OP she used a vibe ring to get off?

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@Tenshadesandme That was during sex, sorry if that was unclear!

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Oh I see! So she’s okay with using vibrators together? How do you feel about them?

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Sounds like the two of you need an honest conversation. Lots of couples come across issues they need to address. Co-sleeping with your child is a good excuse to duck them. I would suggest being gentle in approach as there may be other issues in play, such as self confidence / self image as a mother that you may not be aware of, that can be overcome. By all means be objective & set targets, but remember that nobody is perfect. Good luck

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She only uses the vibe ring on her clit to help her relax and while she might have used it solo in the past, I don’t think that’s happened for a number of years now.
She’s never got on with vibrators etc, which is a shame as using that on her would float my boat

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If she’s struggling to relax, that sounds like she’s experiencing some mental roadblocks. How does she manage her stress outside of the bedroom?

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@Tenshadesandme she normally would go for a swim, but recently she hasn’t been able to go. She normally takes herself upstairs with a cup of tea to get away from the child and chill out with our cats.
I’ve told her multiple times to just go to the gym but she always makes excuses not to go :man_shrugging:

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Has she been to the gym before? I personally love swimming but I avoid gyms too, they’re just not the same for me. I get into a calming, medifative state and I’m wondering if it’s the same for her? How about going for a walk? If you have a park nearby, a 20-minute walk in nature can be very good for frazzled nerves.

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@Tenshadesandme that’s a great idea, we do have a nice park nearby so I’ll suggest that and see.

Quick question for everyone, do other long term couples only do one sex act, or is my OH very, very set in her ways?

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Happy to help :smiling_face:

We definitely do have our routines, but as a couple who had some fun last night with a pair of smart trousers that had (unknowingly) developed a large hole, we can be quite spontaneous sometimes too.

One other thing I thought of, if this has been since Covid, is it possible she’s kind of got stuck in a routine?