My bf has always been dominant with me and liked to take control but today he says he wanted to be tied up and dominated. I didn't expect that as he's very masculine and naturally dominant! Why do men like being dominated??
Hi sweets,
Welcome.
I guess the same reason why anyone wants to be dominated. I think a lot of it is down to the swap of "normal" role that appeals. Although I obviously cannot speak for him but just because he wants to try a more submissive role it does not necessarily mean he wants to be feminine.
I'd be interested in what your reaction was, did it interest you, it seems not?
I'd say give it a go, you never know it might unleash something in you ;)
Everyone has their own reasons for being a sub, for me its a mix of role reversal, giving total trust to your partner, and not knowing what she is going to do until it happens is a big turn on.
It's less effort. Men are lazy. :p
Hi there,
I'm switch. I like both sides of the power play.
When m bring submissive I get to fulfil my desire to please my partner. I get off on seeing her enjoy herself. Selfishly perhaps. Or just let her be i n charge and enjoy it.
It goes further but initially the think that turned me on was her coming with no regard for me. That was hot and I loved it. That's maybe not text book submissive but that a how I began.
Same reason a woman does. You might find that a lot of people who are naturally dominant in life take a submissive role in the bedroom, I'm a sub, I like it cause I like my dom, I like seeing him be powerful and rake control. Sometimes we switch, but he still shows his dom side and shows his strength when I'm trying to tie him down by just rolling me off the bed in one movement, he likes to see me take control.
Ask him what he wants you to do and what he likes about it but I really recomend you go for it, you don't know till you try and it's fun to switch, you might feel a bit awkward at first if you've never had to be control but make sure you have a plan before hand
DreamOfTheEndless wrote:
It's less effort. Men are lazy. :p
Great comment ... never thought of it that way but then I am a Man :)
I disagree with the insinuation that men, or submissives of either sex, are lazy.
I believe it is actually just as much, if not more "work" being submissive than it is the dominant. Submitting to someone elses desires and whims puts you on an emotional rollercoaster, never knowing what to expect, but being ready to "perform" as needed and on demand. You can experience feelings from excitement, to fear, to humiliation, to denial and more. On top of this, your dominant may wish to tie you up into all sorts of predicaments, spank you until you cannot bear it or make you work hard for your rewards. You may have ideas snatched away from you, or be asked to do things that have you teetering on the edge of your comfort levels....
I could go on. It takes a great deal of strength, energy, trust and focus to submit to somebody else and the fact he trusts you to take control is a huge compliment.
The reason men like to submit follows the same reasons why women like to submit. Its less to do with the body and a lot more to do with titilating the mind. We all have these little quirks and thoughts that turn us on and to experience them for real is highly erotic. People submit because they get off on someone else taking control and toying with their body and mind. They might enjoy feeling helpless, denied, humiliated, or simply find the idea of their partner being dominant, a huge turn on. They might enjoy a little pain, or being teased mercilessly and denied. Whatever their own quirks, the overall enjoyment comes from letting go of all control you have and giving that power to another, to use as they wish.
Submissives generally have one thing in common - they want nothing more than to truly please their dominant. Most of them will work extremely hard to ensure they do just that. So, having you take the reins and show him..heck DEMAND that he please you thoroughly is a huge turn on for him. Beyond this, each submissive is as complex as any human and what works for him might not work for another. Its all about trial and error and growing slowly together with lots of open and honest communication and consideration.
Although it may seem that the natural order of things is big, strong man = dominant, passive, weaker female = submissive, this isn't always how it is. There are manyyy men who are naturally submissive and many women who feel naturally dominant. There is no right or wrong way to BDSM, only what is right and wrong for you as a couple.
Fluffbags wrote:
I disagree with the insinuation that men, or submissives of either sex, are lazy.
I believe it is actually just as much, if not more "work" being submissive than it is the dominant. Submitting to someone elses desires and whims puts you on an emotional rollercoaster, never knowing what to expect, but being ready to "perform" as needed and on demand. You can experience feelings from excitement, to fear, to humiliation, to denial and more. On top of this, your dominant may wish to tie you up into all sorts of predicaments, spank you until you cannot bear it or make you work hard for your rewards. You may have ideas snatched away from you, or be asked to do things that have you teetering on the edge of your comfort levels....
I could go on. It takes a great deal of strength, energy, trust and focus to submit to somebody else and the fact he trusts you to take control is a huge compliment.
The reason men like to submit follows the same reasons why women like to submit. Its less to do with the body and a lot more to do with titilating the mind. We all have these little quirks and thoughts that turn us on and to experience them for real is highly erotic. People submit because they get off on someone else taking control and toying with their body and mind. They might enjoy feeling helpless, denied, humiliated, or simply find the idea of their partner being dominant, a huge turn on. They might enjoy a little pain, or being teased mercilessly and denied. Whatever their own quirks, the overall enjoyment comes from letting go of all control you have and giving that power to another, to use as they wish.
Submissives generally have one thing in common - they want nothing more than to truly please their dominant. Most of them will work extremely hard to ensure they do just that. So, having you take the reins and show him..heck DEMAND that he please you thoroughly is a huge turn on for him. Beyond this, each submissive is as complex as any human and what works for him might not work for another. Its all about trial and error and growing slowly together with lots of open and honest communication and consideration.
Although it may seem that the natural order of things is big, strong man = dominant, passive, weaker female = submissive, this isn't always how it is. There are manyyy men who are naturally submissive and many women who feel naturally dominant. There is no right or wrong way to BDSM, only what is right and wrong for you as a couple.
Very well said Fluffy :D xx
Fluffbags wrote:
I disagree with the insinuation that men, or submissives of either sex, are lazy.
It was a joke. I thought that :p would be enough to make that clear, but apologies if it didn't come across that way. I don't know anything about subs or doms at all. Although this thread has been pretty informative.
I am a man though, and I would argue that we are lazy. I'd justify that, but I can't be bothered :p
I have to say that Fluffbags has got to the nub of it as far as I'm concerned.
I consider myself as a strong masculine man, ex rugby player. main bread winner, sorter of problems for most the family members (Parents, wife, children and siblings). I'm expected to be a jack of all trades, know the answer to all problems and fix anything. I also have responsibility for over 11,000 people in a large charity.
I love that and I love my family - I'm not whinging - BUT I find it a huge erotic thrill to be submissive. I wear a chastity cage a lot - this is play, it empowers my wife who enjoys it and I love feeling that someone else is in charge for once.
When we have vanilla sex I feel under pressure to ensure that it's great sex for her, again not that I'm whinging as I get a hell of a kick out of pleasing her, but it is special for me to have her take charge.
And yes it is being lazy too ;p
+1 for Fluffbags take on this.
Men get the same out itm as women do. Perhaps its the 'Switching' the OP doesnt get...?? Some people can take either role, Dom or Sub, Top or Bottom. Some people are very Sub, other less so.
Personally, I am not very submissive, but prefer the lady to take the lead - literally sometimes - !! Very happy to be tied up, teased and tormented..... :-)
DreamOfTheEndless wrote:
Fluffbags wrote:
I disagree with the insinuation that men, or submissives of either sex, are lazy.
It was a joke. I thought that :p would be enough to make that clear, but apologies if it didn't come across that way. I don't know anything about subs or doms at all. Although this thread has been pretty informative.
I am a man though, and I would argue that we are lazy. I'd justify that, but I can't be bothered :p
Sorry, I should have said - Yes I knew your comment was a joke.
My follow-up comments were a knee jerk reaction because I've heard this comment jokingly aimed at submissives a few times. I think that when people are new to something, or even feeling a little insecure about what their feelings mean, jokes can be taken with a grain of truth in them and even believed. For example, your initial comment was indeed aimed as a joke, but then you admit in your last comment that behind that joke, you did believe the words (that men are lazy). Course, you are intitled to that opinion, I just wanted to put forward another option too. I just didn't mean to be all "joke police" when I did, so I apologise for that.
The stuff I say is just my own opinion and you know what they say about opinions... :D
Cyklon wrote:
+1 for Fluffbags take on this.
Men get the same out itm as women do. Perhaps its the 'Switching' the OP doesnt get...?? Some people can take either role, Dom or Sub, Top or Bottom. Some people are very Sub, other less so.
Personally, I am not very submissive, but prefer the lady to take the lead - literally sometimes - !! Very happy to be tied up, teased and tormented..... :-)
Yeah, some people find it impossible to switch, whereas others are very fluid in that regard. I also find that it is harder to switch with a partner who you have been one way with for quite a while. Your brain associates them with a certain role and you in a certain role while you are with them. To totally switch this dynamic can be tricky.
If it is just a one-off, now and again kind of switch, there is a way round it. Its called "Service topping" and as the name suggests, it is the dominant asking/demanding that his/her submissive takes on the task of topping/dominating you.
This works well because you don't have to contort your brain too far out of your normal realms of comfort. As the submissive, you can effectively remain submissive, with the knowledge that what you are about to do (dominate your dominant) has been requested/demanded by your dominant - and as submissive you are complying with that request/demand. Everything you do from here on out, you do while still feeling ultimately submissive. You are simply doing as you were told! For some submissives who find it very hard to dominate a partner, they might even get off on the humilation of being "made to". So, as you can see, both parties remain generally within their comfort zones mentally, but physically, the roles have switched.
For some, that is not enough. Some people can connect with both submissive and dominant parts within. They want to truly feel dominant or submissive and so service topping might seem a little "empty" if they have to demand it and lead the way. Some people can go through the mental hoops required to truly submit to a partner that, the night before, was submitting to them. Others find it more difficult, even if they are a switch themselves. (If their relationships permits, these switches may have a seperate sub and dom in their lifes)
Course, when you get right down to it, its about compatibility/incompatibility in the bedroom. I imagine if we surveyed everyone, a very high percentage would report being generally happy in the sack, but wanting more of XYZ, or less of ABC if they could change things. Some might be completely unsatisfied because there partner is incompatible. It seems like the OP has a few ways to go with this one:
1) Service topping. 2) Genuinely discovering a dominant side that can come out to play now and then or 3) accepting she just cannot bring herself to be dominant and telling him so. (I guess it is the equivilent of telling our partners we don't want anal, or hate oral sex etc....yes, there might be disappointment, but its hard to be one persons everything).
I think it's fair to say that when someone asks us to do something completely new and far out of our comfort zones, we feel anxious and may want to avoid it, due to feeling insecure about our abilities. I would suggest starting reeeeally slowly. Little steps at a time. Communicating with him to get tips, or information about where to go next or what to do. It might not be "the perfect fantasy" at first, but if he really wants this, I am sure he will be willing to go through the learning curve. Sex should be fun, so I recommend taking all pressure off and having a good old giggle with it all. If, after trying it, you realise it really is NOT working for you then don't continue. At least after attempting it, you can figure out if it is fear stopping you, or genuine dislike for the act.
I am a sub and have always been.I've tried a few times to be dominant- it's just not for me.I think that men get the same kick of it,as women do- to give up control and just let go.
Im just naturally submissive really so its not a concious choice.
Fluffbags, no problem. I really do know less than nothing about the sum and dom scene.
I don't know that it's for me but I do enjoy reading any kind of new information on this site whether it applies to me or not so thank-you for that.