I am feeling rather stressed out because my husband isn’t fulfilling my needs romantically and sexually. He a great guy and a good father but when it comes to sex and romance he rather lazy. When we first started seeing each other our sex life was amazing. However after 8 years of being together I have to ask multiple times and drop lots of hint over days to get any sex. We used to have sex at least twice a week but now it’s nearly once every 2 weeks. He keeps saying he tired or it not a good time because of our child being around or awake. We put our child to sleep at 8.30pm then I suggest sex and he keep saying later when his stomach gone down after tea then starts watching tv. I will ask later on and he will just say to me it’s to late now he tired and going to bed, this happens a lot.
It’s been going on for at least a year now if more, when we do have sex it’s great but doesn’t last long and he doesn’t want to try many new stuff or go again. Romantically he will tell me he loves me and buy me roses but that about it. I’ve asked if he still lust me and he say he does but I don’t feel like he does. Recently I have been thinking I look ugly since having our child, getting older and gaining weight. I’ve also started lusting and having thoughts about other men. I love my husband a lot but feel he doesn’t fancy me anymore. I think he loves me but doesn’t fancy me if that makes sense. I have talked to him about this before which he say isn’t true.
We are both in our 30s but I feel like I’ve married an old man. I have had many discussion with him on how I feel and even confessed I wanted to cheat so I could get some sex. At first he seemed guilty about the hole situation but recently when I said it again he rolled over and went to sleep. I’ve been crying in bed next to him and he doesn’t even realise he just sleeps and carries on the next day. Nothing changes but I don’t want to leave him because I love him. Any advice anyone?
If you had real open communication about wanting sex and to feel desired, not hints but openly telling him I need this more and it hasn’t worked I’d high suggest couples therapy.
Outside of that and just real open honest communication, schedule it if you have to or set a amount of time you’d like etc. Try enticing by giving him grabs and butt smacks, when he’s watching tv start a little something. When your together along period of time and especially when you have kids sex takes work sadly some times you have to schedule it and stuff which does take away from the spontaneous aspect. At the end of the day though it does take work on both ends.
I wish I could be more helpful but my experience in bed death was not something that was fixable and in truth given new things I’ve found out i’m positive my ex wife was cheating on me.
Hi @BDSMFetish - what a tough situation to be in, I’m really sorry you feel the way you do. I’m not in a long term relationship and don’t have children but I know there will be plenty of others who have some advice about this.
I just wanted to comment in regards to the communication. It sounds as though you’ve tried to have lots of discussions with him about what you’re feeling etc which is brilliant, as we all know the advice to any subject is always communication! The way you’ve written some of the points though makes me question a little how this may be coming across and your intentions in doing so. For example, you said you asked him a question (about lust) and he answered it, but you still don’t believe him. Have you tried asking more open questions (opposed to yes/no)? Something like, what is it that makes you lust after me still? This would then hopefully trigger a more individual response which would not only give you ideas about what he actually likes, but also reassure you. I would also be cautious about asking questions if you aren’t at the stage where you’re willing to change your perspective/preconceived ideas about what the answer will be. We all do it but if you’re not quite ready for this, then it could impact on how open and honest your communication is in the future.
Secondly, you said that you were honest with him that you felt you wanted to cheat, and said this so you’d get more sex. Do you think this could come across as quite manipulative to him? I would personally really advise against this - not only is it not nice for the other person, but you will eventually train yourself to think you can only get X if you say Y, and even then I think you will also feel like he’s only doing it because you made him which can’t be a nice feeling.
It’s such a difficult one - it always sounds so easy and I know in reality when feelings are involved that this is a lot easier said than done. My biggest advice for communication when it’s about sex is to do it in a space and at a time that isn’t associated with any sexual activities. Do it at a time where you will be able to clearly explain how you’re feeling but also in a place where you can listen and respond calmly to the persons responses. Try and make the conversation outcome focused - talking about things you can both do to have more desire for each other and make sure each others needs are met, rather than just stating what isn’t happening or what you don’t like.
Thanks for the advice it makes sense and put more things into perspective. I think it easy to loose focus when your sad and emotions are running high. I will try again and hopefully have more success. I don’t have a way with words so I am going to have to think about what I want to say.
I made some notes based on your advice on what I am going to say.
Q What is it that makes you lust after me? And why?
Secondly, I am sorry for manipulating you about wanting to cheat for sex. It’s not nice for you and I will eventually train myself to think that I can only get X if I say Y.
We need to communicate about sex and clearly explain how we’re are both feeling and respond calmly to the other person responses.
We needs to try and make the conversation focused on what we can both do to gain more desire for each other and met each others needs. We are not to state what isn’t happening.
As a couple I would like to hold hands more, hug more, kiss more.
Can we have sex at least once/twice a week, so I am not sexually frustrated.
We need to make time for date night, if this isn’t possible I want to go out more as a family. Pick one day a week we can do together.
Also I would like to practice BDSM during sex more and set our limits for each other. I would like you to take this seriously.
We need to put our son in front of the TV downstairs to make our time together. We need to make an effort to have sex before 9pm.
We need to turn the TV off whilst we are together so we can spend our time together! No distractions, things need to change positively.
That’s a great list, is there any chance of parents having your lad overnight? You definitely need to make a specific date night/day. Work/shift patterns can make together time difficult.
Also, would it be possible to schedule sex before a large meal, or just have a light snack before? As previously said, open, honest communication between the two of you is most important. I wish you both well!
My parents/ his parents look after our son while we are at work so, I will have to ask if they want him, he quite a hand full bless him. The rest of your advice is valid points. I would mention this to him but he has decided to spy on me and check the community group himself because he know I chat on here occasionally so he already knows. Made a comment that I didn’t go to bed last night and said everyone on here is aware of it.
Life does get in the way, it’s a battle with work and kids.
You mentioned that you drop subtle hints, perhaps be less subtle. It could be it goes over his head. If you’re more direct there’s less chance for anything being lost in translation.
Not sure on your work situation, another thought could be to have a cooked meals at lunchtime so you can have a lighter meal in the evening.
We have had a good long talk this afternoon and worked it out. It will take time, planning and patience but I think we understood each other. He pointed out he been tired due to work stress etc and realised he doesn’t communicate his sexual feelings to me. We spent some of the time cuddling and talking calmly about how we both feel and what we want to improve on. He even gave me a romantic massage which lead us to other things. He has read all of these messages so we discuss the advice given and are coming up with some solutions. Many thanks everyone.
That’s such good news @BDSMFetish - well done for reaching out. Often we already have the skills and know what we need to do, but it can be useful hearing it from others so I’m really pleased this has worked for you.
A romantic massage is always a massive bonus too, I’m very jealous!
Thats really great! I’m happy for you and yes adding in more hugs and kisses and hand holding etc can make a lot of difference. I find the little things like a good kiss after work or a butt grab can make worlds of difference in making someone feel desired and appreciated which helps keep the fire red hot.
@BDSMFetish glad you worked it out, it’s very easy to let work and daily routines get in the way of a relationship, honest communication is often the best solution.
Maybe a blessing in disguise Hun. Remember we don’t know you personally so we might be aware of it but can stay completely neutral and impartial.
I’m sure a lot of people have been in a similar situation including myself. I’m 32 and was in my 20s when this happened. Mine was due to medication but there are lots of reasons that have an impact on libido.
I hope you get it sorted and its great that you’re talking. Don’t put too much pressure on each other. If all else fails LH sell fantastic products to help satisfy our’needs’
Take Care x
