I'm a middle aged fella .
In my teens I was as randy as hell so much that It got in the way of my school studies and I failed miserably LOL (If only they had given out "o" levels in porn )
I'm with a great woman who loves me , but my sex drive is low for some reason .
She does all the right things , wears nice undies (Lovehoney , of course) , so it's not her fault it's me .
I lose erections frequently , and worry that she'll think I've gone of her .
I haven't told her that I have a low sex drive , so pretend to be as randy as hell .
Any tips on how to revive it , more than welcome .
I won't take pills and I'm not seeing any Dr (who knows what they'll find )
I love my wife very much and would give anything to have my sex drive back :-(
My OH is the exact same, he is 33.
I would take a visit to your GP. Ignorance is NOT bliss. His low sex drive (without explanation) has made me.question our entire relationship. I feel rejected as my sex drive has never been higher. After I posted on here about it, I've researched low testosterone levels which I think may be a possibility - im no doctor though. He is heading to the docs soon when we are back home to see if there is anything going on. He used to be a one a day guy and now I'm lucky if it's once a fortnight. All the sexy lingerie in the world hasn't helped either!
Talk to your OH. Communication is paramount. Let your OH know what's going on, she may be relieved (us women KNOW) and may be willing to help.
Why is it you are so adamant at not going to the doctors?
There could be many reasons as why a guy loses some of his sex drive. Not al dol though . I would say being totally honest my own drive is far less than what it was say 10 years ago .
1) Aging process can lower a guys sex drive otherwise there would be many older dads knocking about. Again not all.
2) Tastes can change. Perhaps you could spice things up introduce a bit of kink, roleplay etc. Roleplays can be a very good vehicle for acting out fantasies.
3) Linked into the above , sex can become too samey and predictable. Try varying your times, different positions .Jump on your Mrs when she gets in from work , things like that. Send Naughty texts to her.
4) Go out together for dinner and dress to impress . Play footsie under the table and try and work out what undies your Mrs is wearing if any ? let her keep you guessing so you just can't wait to get back home . Ie a bit of teasing .
5) If losing erection is a problem and you have to be honest with yourself then try a cockring or a quality vibrating cockring. Persistant loss of erection to the point of frustration is best treated via your GP.
6) Sometimes as we get older our bodies arn't as attractive as they were in our 20s . If you are over weight then try working out or dieting to help regain that confidence and self esteem .Again this may not apply to yourself as you maybe in tip top condition .
Just a few things to think about and I am sure others will have their ideas and perhaps better ones as well .
Myself an oh have been together almost 10 years now an we have no where near as much sex as we used to. Family life often gets in the way we have 3 children 4th on the way 😊. So that takes put alot of energy he works full time so we are often to tired.
Our sex life has changed dramatically in the last 12 months though my oh suffers from depression sometimes worse than others. his meds have seriously affected his sex drive for the worsted. Which at first made me feel rejected but have come to terms with it an currently being 26 weeks pregnant don't mind as much it's rather uncomfortable for me to have sex right now anyway
I would talk to your oh about it and make appointment with your gp an discuss your worry's
I think you should go to your doctor since you lose your erections. It could be a sign of diabetes and it's best to find that out as soon as possible so you can get under treatment and slow down the aterosclerotic process :)
Putting your sex drive aside, there are probably other things that you have noticed that you can or can't do as well as you could when you were a teenager.
I can just about remember being a teenager :) and I certainly didn't have any pressures of life as an adult, mortgage, rent, children, job, lack of sleep, lack of energy, ooh have a bit of energy but the lounge needs decorating. One of us feels like it but the other doesn't then vice versa. Life just takes over sometimes.
How is your health in general? I totally get where you are coming from about going to the Dr's, I'm the same but if there are other niggling things as well as loss of sex drive i'd probably bite the bullet and make an appointment as they could be linked and easily resolved. I know they'd tell me that i'm overweight and dont take enough excercise, but I quite often see my very overweight Dr up the pub with a pint and a fag in his hand so he's not that preachy or judgemental.
I know you have mentioned not taking tablets and I agree (especially without seeing a Dr first anyway) but a few years ago my OH had to have a couple of operations in quick succession and it left him completely drained of any drive, let alone his sex drive. He went to the local health store (I know, I can see you rolling your eyes) and explained that he had no get up and go and they gave him a herbal supplement (I know, there go your eyes rolling again) and they worked miracles in more ways than one. There was a mans supplement and one for women as well. They were completely herbal but I can't remeber what they were called, it was a while ago. Neither of us are into herbal remedies or anything like that so were a bit sceptical and took the p!$$ a bit but it worked, it's just an option.
I'm fairly sure your loss of erection bothers you a lot more than it does your partner but if you worry that she thinks you have gone off her, have a chat to her. Because if she feels you have gone off her, let me tell you, a womans mind can go from zero to overdrive in a nano-second and we start imagining all sorts of things. A problem shared and all that.
It can be loads of things;
Poor diet.
Lack of exercise.
Poor sleep paterns.
Stress.
Hormone levels.
Age-related health issues.
Mental health issues (depression, etc).
Medication.
A whole host of other underlying psychological/hormonal/physical issues.
Fix and/or improve what you can by yourself, if it doesn't improve then you need to consider seeing the GP.
Me and OH (together for 10 years) are going through a similar situation, he hasn't told me for a long time why the sex had reduced so drastically. I know he has depression and the meds for that as well as his heart tablets aren't the best combination. He finally opened up to me about 2 weeks ago and told me that it is a mix of low sex drive and worry because he can't get and/or hold an errection.
If anything, it has made me love him even more for opening up to me, which I know he struggles with, he isn't a big talker.
He even went to his GP yesterday and we got some advice and he was told to talk more to me, amongst other things. There is also a potential of sex counselling, but we will see just now how we get on.
I went to the GP with him, so if you decide to go, you might want to ask your OH. I can promise you, if she loves you she will not judge you or see you less as a man. Trust me she probably knows something is up and will be relieved that you open up to her, from the women's perspective, I know how worrying it is and for so long I have wondered if it was me or if he doesn't love me anymore.
I hope him and me will try to work on things, that is pretty much all I ask for.
I would be interested to know if there are any men here that can give some advice on how I can make him feel more relaxed and make him understand that whether or not he gets an errection, I appreciate him as a man and any sort of intimacy, even if it doesn't lead to sex.
You do really need to get yourself to the doctors they are there to help and you won't be saying anything that they haven't heard before. My husband had problems a few years ago but his problems were psychological which is all sorted out now.
I remember feeling at the time that he didn't fancy me and it knocked my confidence. You need to talk with her as she is probably upset by it but doesn't say anything for risk of upsetting you. The main thing you have to do is show willing.
Please don't ignore it for both of your sakes.
I wish you well
Thank you very much Alicia (I am on my phone and can't quote your reply). He is quite a bit older than I am, he is 56 and I am 34, we have been together for 10 years. It has been a good 4 years now that the sex wasn't like it used to be. I am glad you mentioned he toys as I have actually bought him the male bundle, but not told him yet, I think you could be right there, so I will just leave the toys at the moment.
I hope that we can talk more about things now and that he will open up further. I am really proud of him and happy that he has taken the step to make a start, and like I said, it just makes me lovery him even more.
I like your suggestion about giving oral even when he is soft, I actually quite like the thought. I had been thinking about anal stimulation, which we used to do, but not a lot anymore, again I'm not sure if this would pressure him or if he could maybe relax more with it.
The GP did suggest that we concentrate on none penetrating sex, which I am happy to do, he worries though that it will lead to more and that he then can't perform. I wonder if I should suggest that I won't initiate penetration and will leave that up to him and that I am happy to wait for however long it will take. I like the idea of giving more massages. Maybe even in a complete non sexual way, just so we touch each other without him feeling under pressure.
I tend to initiate more than he does, and I am now also wondering if I should hold back a bit? I had thought about arranging with him that I leave initiation completely to him, but I am worried that he won't at all.
I also spoke to him today and assured him that even though I do crave some sort of intimacy (and that doesn't have to be full on penetration, or even sex) I do love him for who he is and not because I expect sex
Thank you so much and I appreciate your input.
Eager-2-Please wrote:
It can be loads of things;
Poor diet.
Lack of exercise.
Poor sleep paterns.
Stress.
Hormone levels.
Age-related health issues.
Mental health issues (depression, etc).
Medication.
A whole host of other underlying psychological/hormonal/physical issues.
Fix and/or improve what you can by yourself, if it doesn't improve then you need to consider seeing the GP.
+1
This is it spot on. I I've sex very much. Its been my hobby and all things sexual are like my whole kink.
Readying, studying and exploration of it have been nearly a life long fascination. Most of all though giving sexual pleasure takes me to another level of arousal. I worked out very early on , just like any other thing you want to do well trading and fitness are paramount.
So staying fit ,hydrated and eating healthy are massive. Masculinity is a very powerful thing but actually fragile too. As men get older testosterone levels drop. This coupled with the stress of middle age environment. Like work , providing for your family, less sleep, alcohol, smoking all can have a massive effect on sex drive.
One of the most saddest things about this is so many women feel its their fault, like you don't turn him on any more or he does not find you desirable. At this point communication is paramount. Not talking about it can be very detrimental but equally getting most men to admit to it is a very difficult topic .
Alicia4Ever wrote:
SEL18 wrote:
Thank you very much Alicia (I am on my phone and can't quote your reply). He is quite a bit older than I am, he is 56 and I am 34, we have been together for 10 years. It has been a good 4 years now that the sex wasn't like it used to be. I am glad you mentioned he toys as I have actually bought him the male bundle, but not told him yet, I think you could be right there, so I will just leave the toys at the moment.
I hope that we can talk more about things now and that he will open up further. I am really proud of him and happy that he has taken the step to make a start, and like I said, it just makes me lovery him even more.
I like your suggestion about giving oral even when he is soft, I actually quite like the thought. I had been thinking about anal stimulation, which we used to do, but not a lot anymore, again I'm not sure if this would pressure him or if he could maybe relax more with it.
The GP did suggest that we concentrate on none penetrating sex, which I am happy to do, he worries though that it will lead to more and that he then can't perform. I wonder if I should suggest that I won't initiate penetration and will leave that up to him and that I am happy to wait for however long it will take. I like the idea of giving more massages. Maybe even in a complete non sexual way, just so we touch each other without him feeling under pressure.I tend to initiate more than he does, and I am now also wondering if I should hold back a bit? I had thought about arranging with him that I leave initiation completely to him, but I am worried that he won't at all.
I also spoke to him today and assured him that even though I do crave some sort of intimacy (and that doesn't have to be full on penetration, or even sex) I do love him for who he is and not because I expect sex
Thank you so much and I appreciate your input.
As I said in my post if you leave it up to him he will likely not initiate, avoidance is an easier way to pretend the issues don't exist, initiate intamacy, with a little erotosism but leave the decision on whether he atempts penetration to him. Anal for me was the natural progression, as it involves penetration for me, which been female in the head I craved, and gives me a way to have full on orgasms. If he could enjoy this it would mean he could recieve pleasure, and even orgasm, without having to penetrate you. Sex is about recieving as well as giving, or it becomes one sided, the external friction methods I mentioned he may like to try. And you could use his body in the same way to rub your self off on him, so he sees that it is as good for you as it is for him. I think external friction is a much under used method of two people pleasuring each other, except by lesbians. Male female scissoring, (rubbing the genitals together) feels great.
I found it easier to let go of been able to give penetration, again for obvious reasons, but I love to feel myself inside a woman through my fingers, and this became enough for me, because I knew she loved it. But it depends on the man, the fact he has opened up to you is fantastic as it gives you the opening to continue the dialogue, plus the dr telling him to talk more and try non penatrative sex. If you can get him to explore other ways of each of you having sexual pleasure that doesn't involve him having to get and maintain an erection, then he should feel useful to you and as a sexual man, with no pressure. Tell him that it will only lead to more if thats what he wants, and that you are happy for that to be the case.
The important thing is to make sure he knows you are more than happy to not have a penis in you, because that is going to be the first thing on his mind. Guys do tend to think that women want cock, above all else, and some surely do, so tell him that any part of his body is fine, that the fact it is part of the man you love is more important than which part. Does he know how to stimulate your g spot ? I don't know what you have in your sexual repertoire, It has supprised me when I have had the joy of helping women your age find their g spot, so I can't assume anything.
As for the male toys, they are mostly something to penetrate, so that may not go down too well, he may even think you just handed him is you are out to pasture toys, and to add insult to injury he can't even use them. Latter on when he has got his head round things, you could tell him you got these things so he can try on his own so there is no pressure, but be careful how you say it, guys don't like to be shown how to do, or offered help with what they think is something they were born to do.
If the bundle includes anal toys, which it may well do, you could bring them out, straight away, It most likely includes a penis pump, now when I was exploring whether I wanted to still be able to have penetrative sex I got one and after a few months I started to be able to get erections again, using it 15 to 20 minutes twice a day, it doesn't make things any bigger, well not for me it didn't. I'm supprised the dr didn't recomend getting one, I googled ED and found that it's the most effective way of getting things going again, unless there is a medical reason, and if he gets one from time to time thats unlikely to be the case.
So google it show him the web site and say you hope he doesn't mind but you wondered if he wanted to try so you got him one. You will know best when to introduce it from how he is coping but sooner is better; just make sure he doesn't think you are just after getting his cock back. Let him know he can do it on his own, or that you would be happy to share the experience, get involved even if that is what he wants. He may even put it aside at first, let him find his way with it.
What you have already done is what he needs most though, giving him love, support, and understanding.
Thanks again, I think I will be leaving the majority of the toys out just now, as they are like you say sleves and more for penetration. There is a pump in the pack and a small anal toy. I will have to check the pump thing online as I have zero experience with it and I am not sure how open he would be to using it, when i got the bundle, I had a feeling right away that this would be our least used toy out of the lot.
I would love to go further with anal play wiht him, not sure how open he is to it, we used to try it every now and then a couple of years ago, but as he never was any good in communicating i am not sure if he did it for me or because he liked it. I suppose it is something i could try and bring up. I have for a few months now been thinking that i would like to try pegging with him and further the anal game, so it might be something that we could talk about. In general he is a bit more vanilla than I am.
In regards to G spot, no he doesn't really know about it and I have never initiated anything there because in the past, before him and when doing solo play, I have never ever been successful in getting any arousal or even orgasm through it. I am not sure it would be a good idea to try, because if it is unsuccessful (which i suspect) he might think it is him.
I think he just really feels unmanly, another problem is that he can't have children (which I knew when I got together with him) but he is really suffering because of it and has been feeling like a failure for that reason for a long time. Pesonally I am happy just being with him, I don't need children, but he feels incomplete. So I think now this sexual thing is adding to it all, that he doesn't feel like a proper man.
I will try talking to him again that I will leave penetration completely off the table until he intiates it. He is definitley enough for me, and yes I do like having cock, but it is not the most important thing for me. He as a person is far ore important and that I can have some sort of intimacy with him. I also think deep down he struggles a bit wiht the age difference for several reasons, to me it doesn't matter in the least, I see him as him and not an age or a number.
It is really good to hear advice from someone who has experience and felt or is feeling similar. How are things with you now? are you feeling comfortable in yourself?
Im 50 type 2 diabetic Ive had no problems to speak of but I know that my medication can cause problems I also take a shit load of other meds for varied problems I have too and the combo of those can make me not loose my sex drive but cause it to dip for a while
Ok so you have had a comprehensive list of possible reasons, so I'm just going to share my experience.
Im 36 and my OH is 54, we have been together 12 years. He has never lost an erection while with me, but his desire to have sex has warned through the years. I'm still horny as hell so I masterbate quite a bit. The biggest things that affect my OH's desire are, stress from work, and tiredness.
We have a great relationship and our sex life is good, I'm just greedy and would like more.
I've been thinking about my original question ,and it should have read "Why have I lost my sex drive? "
I've been thining about it , and I'm wondering ,is it a guilt thing ? I was with m ex years ,and she never wanted sex (once or twice a year to shut me up , then none for the last 6 years )
My wife now enjoys sex ,, but I can't help thinking
"Does she really want it ,or does she want it to please me ?"
I'm begining t think it's all in the mind :-(
PS
Thanks for your kind replies , and your genuine concern
I went to the GP, I'm mid 50s to see if there were any underlying problems as I was losing my erection during sex. I was going to get a pump but the GP said no in no uncertain manner and said i could havet a viagra type pill, strting off on a low dose. Leaving booze alone this will work for 2 days, The difference this makes is after a while it is not needed if everything else is OK. Having it as as a fall back is really useful. As for libido this is badly affected by stress, sleep and general health. To get the spark back again is the difficult bit. Imagination, kindness and communication are the keys here, it takes time but will work. Try having a sensual but not sexual time, even spa or something just to break the routines of the bedroom which have developed and to be honest probably hinder more than help.
Hi
What I would recommend is to go and have a good workout at the gym. Then the testosterone will be pumping and you'll be all over your wife then. At least it does for me.
From personal experience I've found stress to be very destructive to any kind of sex life. A few years ago I was going through a very bad time, which lasted for about 5 years. My OH and I probably had sex about five or six times a year, which was torture for both of us, but I just wasn't in the mood.
Fortunately my OH was incredibly understanding and understood the reasons. Talk to your OH and explain how you feel, and that you don't know why you do.
I'm not as horny as I was in my teens, it's just part of life. My understanding is that men's sex drive reduces around middle age, while women are hitting their peak. Stupid bloody biology!
If it's been going on for a while, it won't do any harm to see a doctor. You'd certainly not be the first middle age man they will have seen in the career - or even that day.
Hope it works out for you.