We are newlyweds. We haven’t had sex yet. I have only had two girlfriends in my life. It’s the first time I have actually had sexual feelings for someone. But my wife says she’s not ready to have sex with me. However I have needs. I am struggling why she feels not ready. It’s not like we don’t have any intimacy. We have had a few foreplay sessions.
There isn’t much we can suggest here accept having a proper long conversation with your wife. Being married isn’t a right to have sex, Just explain how you feel and what makes her feel she isn’t ready. Definitely don’t force the conversation.
Your previous post was about having problems finding the g spot - can I ask were you referring to sex with her or someone else.
Sex does not need to be penis into vagina- it’s sexual touching as well
As others say - talk to her / but remember to respect her wishes
6 days ago.
You can only discuss that with her, she must have her reasons.
Without meaning to denigrate your way of doing things relationship-wise, I do find it hard to imagine why a person would marry someone without even sleeping with them first, as sexual compatibility is a significant part in a long-term commitment. We are all just animals and, as you say, you have Needs.
To borrow a quote from a novel I read years ago (the 40-ish yo woman talking to her in-denial ex-husband): “Abe likes to fuck me, man, and he’s willing to marry me to keep it coming.”
Again, not wanting to judge your way of doing it nor the reasons why, but to my thinking it seems you’ve read the instructions backwards, so to speak. But, you play the hand that’s dealt you: have an honest conversation with your partner and see if you can determine the problem and/or find a middle ground that suits you both.
I’m assuming you decided together that you wanted to wait until after marriage before having sex? You don’t say how long you have been married? Anyway, firstly, congratulations on your marriage! ![]()
It’s normal to be nervous about your first time and I assume, if you’ve chosen to wait until after marriage, that this is her first time having sex?
Have you spoken about why she isn’t feeling ready? If it’s only been a short time then it’s reasonable to understand that she might need a bit more time to get used to the intimacy first. If you’ve been intimate together in other ways, is she comfortable with inserting fingers or a small toy? If she finds this painful or uncomfortable that might explain why she isn’t ready to have sex.
Have you tried asking her why she’s not ready yet and see if you can get an insight to help yourself understand what’s she’s processing?
I offer this just as my personal experience and information I hope you can use to help imagine this perspective. I certainly am not trying to express it as the only way to go or to try and convince you. Just information.
Wife and I waited, at least for intercourse (and none of that poophole-loophole either), due to personal faith convictions. There was plenty enough that we did explore and knew that our chemistry was combustible and that we were very happy with the anatomy we were getting with each other. After being together over 20 years and married for 17+ our sexual preferences and kinks have evolved together and comingled in ways that would have been impossible to know at that time anyway.
There’s a lot more to sexual compatibility and the long-term relationship than a “try-before-you-buy” approach would allow one to master, either. I think the important things to keeping our marriage functioning weaves in and out of the bedroom. Shared values around (for us) curiosity, playfulness, honesty, communication, health and wellness, grace, willingness to grow and explore are the things that keep us together well.
Honestly, it’s the fact that we’ve been together since we were 18/19 and it’s all worked out in all the other areas that’s more shocking than the fact we waited to put Tab P in Hole V and still have a great sex life.
After all this time if something were to happen to my wife I - first of all - have no idea what I would do in general. But second of all, in putting my life back together would I wait for sex in midlife? I don’t know. I am still a practitioner of my faith and my convictions hold. But I’m not sure that I would hold the same view starting over later in life than when I was young and it really was such a short season in the larger view.
You know, I hate to be that person, but I’m going to be that person.
When I got married (12 years ago now), I was under so much stress that I cried right after signing the register - partly relief, because we were finally married (we waited two years after four of my relatives died in month), but partly fear for what married life may bring for us. Our reception was eventful to say the least - one of our guests (we’re no longer friends) kept trying to nab the decor for her own upcoming nuptuals (I think they lasted two months, she cheated) and my cousin was in such a rush to usher us off to the hotel that our honeymoon luggage got left in the storeroom, and most of our savings for our honeymoon got spent on buying our new wardrobe instead. The first day of our honeymoon some geezer sneezed on the train, and guess who wound up bedridden for the next two weeks because ol him? Yup, yours truly, a relatively healthy (then) 25-year-old. No need for sex, even getting up for the loo was like running a marathon!
My point is, your new wife could have a whole list of reasons why you haven’t had sex yet - flu, anxiety and nightmare wedding guests withstanding. I fully understand you have needs, but so does your new wife. The best bet? You need to go talk to her. You never know, you may even find your solution together. Good luck ![]()
That’s an awesome anecdote, @LRLRL and I am genuinely happy it worked for you and your wife. I do understand that faith can play a large part in that decision, and kudos to you for being able to incorporate your respective kinks into that, especially when faiths typically label anything outside missionary-for-the-purposes-of-children a “sin.” So well done you!
I’m not religious myself, but I did grow up in a very conservative house where yay kind of thing wasn’t discussed and marriage was for life. Fortunately, I have been able to shake off most of those inherited hangups and find my authentic self. But if my previous comment hit a nerve on that front, it certainly was not intended; I simply have a hard time understanding the logic of waiting for marriage, is all.