Wasn’t always like this in the beginning but the past 8 yrs it has been and been getting worse month by month. Kind of feel like all is lost tbh I can’t continue like this
Alicia she is very early 40s she’s never been one to be adventurous or anything never wanted to try new things never really put herself out there. I’d be very surprised if it was menopause.
Alicia she is very early 40s she’s never been one to be adventurous or anything never wanted to try new things never really put herself out there. I’d be very surprised if it was menopause.
Jay40 my OH was no quite so extreme but similar. I made all the running and felt rejected as never receprocated, either affection or sexually. She Always made excuses. I felt like you i was rejected as i always did what she wanted but got rejected when i asked for a bit of mild experimenting and making time for each other. I just got closed down.
You said she has always been like this. Well my OH had a pretty abusive cold ubringing and wonder if your OH has similar. Shes a bit better now because she got some help to deal with her feelings but its really because she is in a better place but still is nowhere as comfortable trying new things as me.
As you said she wont discuss it, which makes it 10 times worse. As you said you are at whits end, i think you need to have a honest discussion about this but dont say its because you are angry and upset. Just discuss why you have such great differences and ask her what she really feels about masterbation and why she feels rejected because you love her.
Oh and wanking is fine at any time, its doubly more important if you are pretty much on your own. Dont feel guilty! Good luck
Thanks for the support and advice you all have given will try anything to try to save our marriage
You shouldn't feel bad about masturbation at all. It's a normal and healthy activity. I don't live with my boyfriend yet but we often talk about how/when we masturbate. Especially now that we get toys from LH. Always a fun discussion.
Was she raised in a strict household? I used to have a friend like that who said that if your partner watches porn, it's the same as cheating (somehow) and they aren't worth your time.
It could be a case of sex-drive, too. If she has a low sex-drive and yours is high she can only feel her own and thinks that people who have a normal/high sex-drive are gross or "mad for it".
"How can they be so dirty? I can't fathom it." (type of thing). How can she understand if she doesn't masturbate herself or have sexual urges?
Could it also be confidence?
I hope you can have a sit down with her and sort things out. Good luck.
Cb1987 wrote:
I personally use to be like this - I asked my husband and caught him a few times. My sex drive was low and he always had a higher drive. I felt jealous confused upset and that I wasn't enough. We talked and I realised he was doing it in a way to relieve tension not put pressure on me and without cheating. Yes I have never at this stage personally ever mastubated myself or understand much about terms involvement or how to pleasure myself As time has gone on we have opened up and I will become curious about my body and his body more and that experimenting can open new experiences for both of us. I know my hubby does still on his own but I don't think he does as often as before. I also feel we have a better relationship all round currently as I'm now able to help him and him me to know more about our bodies
I used to feel exactly like this. I'd been through trauma and had a massive hang up that hubby masturbating himself meant that I wasn't enough for him and yes, I was even jealous!
We've talked about it a few times and hubby has helped me with my insecurities by explaining It's just to relieve tension (especially when I am constantly ill and we can't have sex all the time).
I realise I just needed to be more adult about it, and that it is a normal thing and doesn't mean anything like cheating etc. As long as insecurities are communicated in a relationship, things can always be clarified and worked out together and It's possible to come to a mutual agreement.
I even thought that if I masturbated on my own, it was like cheating on my hubby as I was gaining pleasure without him. This is not the case though and I know if either of us are in the mood, we satisfy each other. I know we can't sexually be there for each other 24/7 and I've learned to look at things more realistically in this way.
I understand from him that he would feel the same if I was doing it without him, but If we both did, we wouldn't go mad at each other anymore. It's simply just a personal preference that is now 'out there' in our relationship.
Definitely talk to your missus and discuss boundaries for your relationship you are both content with. If her sex drive is permanently low, she should visit her GP, who can refer her (or both of you) to psychosexual counselling. It's not embarrassing, it's just best to deal with these things sooner rather than later to maintain a healthy, happy relationship.
Believe me, I'm at several types of counselling at the moment as I have many issues (also non-sexual) to deal with. I am working on these to prevent it coming between myself and hubby. It's hard, but something I have to do and not be ashamed of.
Best of luck to you both, I know how tricky this subject is to bring up with the OH. x 🙂
Emerald 269 exactly the same it's hard to talk about but a necessity if we didn't discuss it I think it would have driven us apart more x
Hunnymoster You have good valid points I have taken them onboard and am going to try to talk to her tonight hopefully we will be able to be open and discuss issues I have with lack of physical contact and especially how she does not reciprocate back anything I do to her. Hopefully she will see my point but now sure how she will take it. If I’m honest I’d rather not have sex with her if all the time she is just going to lay there she needs to step up and actually do things in return. I don’t expect every time to be full on foreplay. I thinks she will say I’m being unreasonable tbh but got to try it as it’s like flogging a dead horse. Her argument is I get the result I want but I said it’s not the destination that’s the issue it’s the journey to it that matters. Thank you all again wish me luck
Let us know how you get on - me and hubby foreplay different ways he likes me to dress up and entertain myself for his pleasure like roleplay but mine is a confidence issue. I do struggle more with arousing him more with hand etc as I do like to see his natural response. Same with me I don't expect him to do same with me but to see natural arousal to which we then explore together x
Speaking from a wifes point of view. I am totally okay with my husband masterbating, hell I do it when no one is at home HOWEVER if I am at home and he does it, it makes me feel like crap SO I am wondering whether she has kicked off because knowing that you do that makes her feel inferior and that she isn't enough for you?
I'd give her some time to calm down and then talk it through with her. Tell her communication is key. Mayeb schedule in a day once a week where you both have sex. We went through a rough patch where both me and my husband lost our sex drives and after a month or so we realised we needed to be a couple again and not just workers/home owners and parents. Life gets in the way so make time for one another. Maybe you'd be less likely to masterbate if she was intermate with you-and make her aware of this.
You're doing nothing wrong, and coudos to you for masterbating and not cheating and finding your pleasure elsewhere, you sound like a keeper!