If a male friend came to me with this scenario I’d suggest the same as you - option 2.
But then I’ve been in a swinging relationship with my partner so my attitude will be different to most.
Telling her he knows will end badly, I have no doubt. She’ll be horrified that he found out via checking her phone which she’ll see as an invasion of privacy but will probably also feel guilty for ‘cheating’, even if it is just sex and it has actually had a positive impact on their sex life. There’s no benefit to him telling her he knows. If he was unhappy and wanted it to end, or to divorce, then that would be different. But he seems content and happy to reap the rewards of her feeling better about herself and being more sexually active with him due to her ‘affair’. Until that changes what’s the point in him saying anything?
There is the ‘safe sex’ issue to consider but the odds are the PT will be taking precautions particularly if, as stated by @Mrs.John she’s not the only bored housewife, as I doubt he relishes the prospect of paying multiple child supports. I’ve know guys in similar positions and they’re generally not stupid.
So my 2p? He needs to keep quiet until the situation changes and he’s no longer happy. But at that point he’ll be opening a big can of worms if he confesses to have known for a long time.
Your question is how does the husband tell his wife he knows of the affair, therefore I’m assuming he has told you he wants her to know that he has found out.
Admitting to her he “knows” and “suspects” are hugely different. Her first question will be how do you know? What is he going to say, it will have to be the phone messages unless there is further evidence, otherwise she will probably deny it, (although this is not 100%).
If he challenged her from the angle that her attitude has changed towards him and sex since her new fitness regime, he could query this in a non-threatening manner, it would be interesting to hear her answer. Depending on how she reacts he could either keep his evidence to himself and see how their relationship develops or then drop the fact that he has seen her phone.
Why did you go through my phone? will be the response and he needs to explain that he did what he did as he loves her and was ‘scared of loosing her, ( is an option).
As explained above, unless the full honest challenge is made, it may eat into him and following an argument many weeks, months or years down the line, he will make it known in a rage.
Does he really want to wait for that unfortunate time in the future not knowing what the result will be, or man up now and show his full hand and deal with the issue.
He’s only here once, this life is not a rehearsal and regretting in the future will be far more hurtful and something he will never be able to reverse.
I wish them both the very best.
I would think not to get tits out on holiday if it was a working / business holiday. I suspect you would prefer to keep things private. @anna.michelsburg I fully understand that.
I have been married for 30 years-ish. Not every secret in a marriage must be told (if you want to stay married).
The real question is whether the wife in this scenario wants to stay married. If she does, she will end the fling at some point and life goes on. She may or may not tell her husband about it, but they’ll survive.
If she doesn’t want to stay married there is nothing on earth that will hold that marriage together regardless of what the husband does or doesn’t say.
The wife is lying to her husband and banging someone behind his back.
Ultimately if the situation were reversed would she be ok with it? I very much doubt it, and more than likely he’d be branded an absolute arse with everyone saying LEAVE HIM.
And they’d be right to do so. Marriage/Relationships are BUILT on trust and she has quite literally destroyed that trust by lying.
This is not an open relationship or anything like that as if it were then both parties would have known about it and consented to it after working things out between them. How on earth do you have an open relationship after one person has proven themselves to be untrustworthy?
So I would ask him this:
Now that you know you can’t trust your wife are you ok?
Because ultimately, he might feel like it’s sexy now, but I guarantee that something as complicated as this is not going to feel good forever. At some point he’ll shake off his horniness and realise that his partner has betrayed his trust and that is going to hurt.
So whether or not he wants to talk about it, it’s most likely going to destroy his marriage.
Better to rip the band aid off quick in my opinion, confront her about the situation and see what happens.
Agreed entirely, way I see it a whole heap of probs will start to fester for longer it is left, based on the trust side of it.
For whatever reason, her needs were not being met, and whether that was discussed in the marriage or not is unknown. However, when the penny drops for him that her happiness is due to someone else providing something that he isn’t, that will be an uncomfortable place.
Meanwhile, she is now getting her needs met - whether it is excitement of risk or whatever, she is going back for more.
I have no issues with people believing not every secret needs to be told, each to their own (personally not for me - secrets are no good for me at all).
Not so sure I agree with that, she is being unfaithful and untrustworthy. He is ‘ok’ with it now, but unless it gets addressed in the marriage, that knowledge he has is going to be a permanent stain for him. It will mean even if she ends the fling/affair, he will always be questioning is there another? How many has there been? And I would imagine that will lead to more investigations through phone access or whatever else that entails.
The real question to me is whether he can understand and accept what’s really happening, and why, from her perspective. He only finds this out with an open and frank conversation.
Of course, they both always own the right to walk away from the marriage, and of course they may have both found something that might just ‘work’.
Unless it is bought into the open, it sits there as a ticking time bomb ready to go off at any given time.
Dam that’s a hard one. All I can say is if its me there is only my thoughts. She wants some extra excitement should have talked it over and what about me. If it was him that started it and she did not want to would need to have a man to man talk and that would not be good for him.
It has been a very illuminating thread for me really. At the outset, I totally saw it from her perspective. A bit of harmless extra sex to put a smile on her face.
Without going through all the points that have been made very well, it is much more than a simple inconsequential fling. My advice to him was that it is a dangerous situation, despite it seeming like she just wanted to get some sparkle back which he has benefited from, she has sought out a sexual relationship with another man outside of their marriage and family and he has to explore that with her.
I suggested he speak to her and say that he knows and be honest how and what he thinks about it.
The conversation happened and it probably went worse than the internet fantasy forum world would anticipate. It turned out that she was aware that she had lost her libido a little over the last few years and that he was frustrated and the fling with the PT had cropped up she has seized it as an opportunity to prove to herself that she still was a sexual being and put loads of effort in to it and then into her sex life with S.
But it wasn’t her authentic self. She wanted to be able to accept that her libido was changing and wanted him to accept it too.
Much more than that is betraying confidences.
The affair is over, they are still together, but I sense that they still have work to do.
Thank you for all of the honest and thought provoking advice.
People are complex….thanks for the update @anna.michelsburg. I hope they make it. I would recommend couples therapy if they find the next phase hard. It worked for us.
