Wife having a fling - how does husband let her know he knows

This is on behalf of a good friend. He doesn’t know exactly that I am posting here and I can’t show him the thread for the obvious reason that he will read my other one. He knows I am posting to a wives/mums sex and relationships advice group and I think he assumes its on Facebook or Mumsnet.

Let’s pretend he is S and his wife is K. Not their names but the correct initials so I can keep track…

K is lateish 30s, and S is middleish 40s. Married for a good while and they have children. I know S much better than K and couldn’t have a private, personal conversation with her very easily.

He has found out that that she is having sex with her personal trainer, he got suspicious and looked at her phone. She doens’t know that he has access to her phone and he can’t remember how or why he knows her passcode.

To paraphrase his words …

She came out of the lockdowns pretty worn out and demoralised and they arranged a personal trainer. It was immediately successful and she loved it. Things improved rapidly in every way.

Clearly, K and the PT have started having sex after each session once a week. The text messages suggest she is loving it, their sex life has improved enormously, she is sparkly, horny, and when he is very honest with me he finds her now incredibly attractive, in a way that is often lost after kids.

He doesn’t think think it is a proper affair, it never happens outside of the PT sessions and from what I gather it is ‘just’ sex after yoga, cardio, or whatever.

He thinks/fantasises that she is doing the ‘naughty milf’ thing for him, she has sent a topless photo from when she was 19 ,for example, and tells him how well fucked she feels after each session, but nothing more that that.

He very much recognises the the risks with an affair but he is tempted to let her know that he has found out but loves the love the effect it has had on her.

I am certain that there is no cuckold fantasy stuff here and he would find a ‘proper’ affair very hard. I have to say, this qualifies as an affair in my book, but I know what he means. There doesn’t seem to be any romance or even emotional connection. It is just sex after exercise.

She would be extremely distressed if she knew he had looked at her phone and I have told him to stop that immediately.

My advice so far has been that if he can recognise the positives and is not bothered by the potential negatives, he should enjoy the benefits and that it will fizzle out pretty soon. But he has chatted to me a few times about it and I mentioned a ‘group’ I could post anonymously to where lots of married women talk about this sort of thing.

So, over to you all.

What should I advise him?

At a simple level the options are:

  1. Confront, divorce.
  2. Pretend he doesn’t know for ever and just enjoy it.
  3. Tell her and be honest, he likes the effect but is uncomfortable about her cheating
  4. An open relationship.

Talking through the four choices with him, 1 is off the menu, 2 is my advice, she will get bored with PT eventually, 3 will play out badly I suspect, and 4 isn’t for him, he has no interest in sex with anyone else and I don’t think would enjoy the ‘hotwife’ scene for her.

The other option I guess is that somehow he tricks her in to admitting but he isn’t that guy really, he could never construct a sexy situation where she had to do the coy lip biting thing. I think she is certainly that sort of slightly naughty type, enjoys suggestive comments, always has an ear for a bit of sexy gossip, but I don’t think he knows how to bring that side out of her.

Anyway.

Keen to know what you all think I should say.

Anna xxx

Having been on the receiving end of this when my wife was fooling around I’d say get it straight out and ask her what’s going on. If he leaves it it will eat away at him and the relationship will get worse. Can he really live with her getting the go ahead or will that eventually get to him? If it does fizzle out will he ever have the same trust of her again?

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Just a reminder that this isn’t just an advice group, it’s a public forum that anyone with internet can access without signing in! Even if he wants your advice and is fine with you asking some strangers what they think, he might not be comfortable with you sharing their initials, ages, years married, and number of kids (and their circumstances) on a public forum… :grimacing:

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My two pence worth, which may be totally against the grain, but this has a potential to go completely wrong.

For me, it is an affair regardless if S thinks it is just sex and there appears to be no feelings involved. The fact she is also sending him naughty photos implies that is isn’t just an in the moment uncontrollable urge?

He appears to be loving the changes in his partner and benefitting from extra sex. Great for him. But the one question in my mind is, why is she seeking sex elsewhere in the first place?

He shouldn’t have looked through her phone as it is a massive invasion of privacy, but she equally shouldn’t be having sex with her PT. I’m assuming he doesn’t want to end things, else he would have confronted her and demanded it stop straight away?

How long, in reality, is he going to be happy with this situation and knowing whenever she goes to a PT session she’s actually enjoying sex with another man? Is he afraid to confront her incase it sparks a conversation about their relationship that he doesn’t want to face? He loves it now, but is it going to effect the trust they have further down the line?

For perspective, I’m in a hetro marriage of 12 years and this is absolutely something that would end that for us. Neither of is would be ok with this situation so maybe my opinion is biased.

My bottom line is, he can’t have his cake and eat it. If he wants to keep benefitting from the effects of K sleeping with the PT then he needs to continue to ignore it and hope for their sake it doesn’t turn into anything more. If the state of his relationship is more important than getting his d*ck wet, then they need to sit and have a conversation and be very open about whats happening and potentially face the fallout of that conversation.

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Fair points. Anonymised it a little more.

Pretty tricky and agree it has the potential to go badly. But, if it were me, id say it has be discussed. What that looks like, and what outcome i would be going for i am not sure. But sounds like its straying from casual sex to a bit more, or at least it definitely has the potential to. And despite the husband’s best effort, no way will he be able to keep that bottled up and pretend to not know forever. I would tell him to just be honest with her.

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He 100% needs to bring this up with her as it has the potential to seriously affect them both emotionally if it is left to develop.

You mention that an option is to pretend he never knew, but what if his wife decides that she prefers the PT over the husband at some point. Maybe she already does and is waiting for a catalyst to leave?

If it were me, I would struggle to get over it and my wife would probably know that I knew as soon as I became aware.

It’s a tricky situation though as everyone’s relationships are different. Good luck to your friend, I hope it works out for him and his wife.

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I think these are very useful points.

I had framed it in my mind, and I think he has too, in light of the sexy 19 year old topless on a beach having a sexy, steamy, summer shag.

It might still be that in her head. Who knows.

But it isn’t that in the real world.

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I’d say he definitely needs to talk to her about this just to get more clarity on this situation, him pretending not to know might do more harm than good and wont make the situation or any issues he may have with this disappear.

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Burying your head in the sand is never good way to deal with things…

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I know you said 1 is off the table, but that would be my choice.
Sorry

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I couldn’t live knowing that and not saying anything. I also wouldnt be ok with it even if i was seeing benefits. A marraige to me isnt just about good times in the bedroom. Its friendship, companionship, having someone by your side that supports you, lifts you up, cheers you on and most importantly trusts you and you trust them implicitly. She is having an affair. I go to PT sessions and i know my trainer really well. I know about his family, his taste in music and tv, what he used to do as a career etc etc etc and he knows me the same. The point im making is she probably has a very similar relationship with hers. Throw sex into the equaition and thats a relationship. They meet up regularly, even if its under the pretense of exercising.
No he shouldnt have looked at her phone but there was obviously underlying issues there for him to do that. Unfortunately once you open a can of worms its hard to get them back in and get the lid back on. He needs to confront this.
Thats just my opinion anyway! :rofl:

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I don’t think you should advise him…it’s his life and he needs to think it through for him and his relationship. You don’t wear his shoes.

It’s a big thing to influence him on this decision. The outcome of his decision could have a massive impact on his life…it has to be his choice.

He obviously felt the need to check her phone…she obviously felt the need to go somewhere else. You don’t know the full story.

Just be there if he needs you as a friend.

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It is a difficult situation but I would go with option 3, he might feel that he can handle it now, but it is likely that over time resentment will build, it is also possible from her side that it could develop in to a full blown affair, though to be honest the subtly in that respect is passing me by.

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This needs outing mental health is paramount always !

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Sex life lacking so spice it up. Maybe suggest threesome to wife dhe will prob come backbwith PT. She will tell all once they have threesome.

With @CurvyJilly on this one, I think S needs to own his own stuff, as there is so much potential for this going belly up!
Trust is seemingly an issue to begin with for the phone checking to happen, and I’d guess not an isolated incident. Also what the phone won’t tell him is whats been said in person.
For me the only option would be the discussion and at least get it in the open before trust is ruined and bitterness and resentments kick in. Exploring this stuff as a couple is one thing, doing so solo whilst married and repeating is an affair to me.
PT has something K’s going back for, something she isn’t getting from S. It’s only so long before that reality kicks in perhaps, and that’s barely touching the surface of it all I should think.

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Wowzers that’s quite a complexed situation to be in… all I can advise is what I’d do in a scenario like this and that would be to open up and confront her about it as secrets in a relationship regardless if it comes with positives never end out well and I’d feel eventually the knowing and not saying anything will eat away at him in various ways especially if the affair keeps going strong as let’s face it, there isn’t such a thing as ‘just sex’, sex on any level requires a need of attraction and wanting which at any given time can turn into more especially if it’s becoming a casual thing with the same person.

I can see the positives he’s seeing in it but again if this was something to be ok with, his wife would have come to him first to ask his opinion and then together they’d agree on whatever. The idea she’s doing it in secret is being deceitful which is walking on the edge of trust.

If he decides to talk to her about this, he’s gonna need to approach it most delicately and try not to allow any escalating arguments to happen.

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Wow what a situation. Loads of great answer above.
He may not be bothered but Id be concerned about sexually transmitted infections. I doubt she is the PTs only bored house wife.

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I’d just come out and be totally honest with her.

I’d tell her her in a non angry way that I got suspicious, went through her phone and am pretty sure she’s shagging her PT. Has she got anything to say on the matter? …and then have an open adult discussion from there.

I guess people have different boundaries but for me it would be an absolute deal breaker that she stops seeing or having any communication with the other man immediately. I couldn’t tolerate her even being in the same room as him again but I know many folks may think differently.

Having a family member who went through a nasty divorce where the wife took him completely by surprise and cleaned him out, I’d probably also go and change all the internet banking logins the day before I planned to have the conversation, so if it goes sideways he’s got time to get his hands on his share of the cash before she can get to a bank.
If the talk goes well just change them back after and she’s none the wiser.

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