I have to agree with @Mr_Kink1 and @MK7 here. If she truly loves you, and is truly interested in your happiness, she would allow the exact same conditions that she wants you to accept with her. Otherwise, all you’re getting out of this is the short end of the stick; she’s essentially getting an open marriage whilst still demanding your fidelity, which is entirely unfair and will cause resentment in the end.
What concerns me the most is that you already sound gaslit you to the point that you are willing to accept these unfair conditions because of some tenuous claim of her “loving you.” Given that you have said that she wouldn’t like you doing what she’s asking you to let her do, speaks volumes of how much control she may already have over you in the relationship. Coming from a narcissistic, psychopathic first marriage, I can relate to this in that the wheels were falling off and she was “open to” an open marriage, which translated to, “I want to screw other people while still having access to your very large income.”
I can only advise you to take a step back, physically, mentally, emotionally, and have a really long, hard think about the motivations for this, that “lack of excitement” just does not cover. Leave no stone unturned and be as logical and unemotional as you can, and let the dots join themselves. When all is said and done, it is your marriage and your choice, but I’d hate to see you agree to something you’re not 100% comfortable with (and I know you’re not, or you wouldn’t be here asking for advice). Hopefully, we’ve all been of some help to you, one way or the other. Best of luck, mate.
If she loved you that much she wouldn’t want to be going to any other guys for sex. What she should be doing is going to a sex therapist to help you both or buy toys to help you and if she wants excitement she should be thinking of ways to get that within your bedroom/life not just thinking I want to screw another bloke while my husband is at home. I know you love her and have been with her a long time but that just isn’t the answer.
Sorry but no chance I’d be letting my fiancée sleep with other men because I can’t fulfill her pleasure. I’d use toys sleeves ect.
If she actually knows men she wants to have sex with, how does she know they will fulfil her?
If she can have sex with another man, you should have the same terms and be able to sleep with another woman.
Not an easy choice to make and one that could either make or break your marriage.
Hey we had a similar discussion and for a few months I did have a lover or fuck buddy as I prefer to call him - it was just that, a fuck.
I love my OH very much and our daily lives are great and would not change that - it’s just the sex that’s an issue. There are a few problems in that department.
You need to be very open and honest when talking about the possibility. My OH just asks that I am discrete and he’s fine with it.
I’ve always had issues and with age they’re getting worse. I can still get aroused but on the rare occasions I get stiff enough to enter her it’s because I’ve wanked it almost to the point of cumming so it only lasts a few seconds. We both feel that her having a discrete lover would allow us to focus on enjoying the non-sexual parts of the marriage.
@Leon2021
Have you tried taking sildenafil? Or one of the others to help with ED?
I have found with some of those it takes him alot longer to orgasm with…but the main reason was for the ED…
Obviously with these there are side effects with each individual so always seek medical advise before taking anything.
As regarding your wife taking on another to fulfil sexual needs it’s a tricky one…and you will get advise and opinions as varied as the human race itself.
If your wife can see sex as a need and isn’t going to get feelings for another person or you get jealous or insecure…and also if you’ve discussed it from every possible angle then go for it…
You need to discuss if a regular person is better…ie like a FWB…or different hook ups. And if the person / people involved will keep it discrete too…Also you need to take into consideration her and your sexual health (if you continue any sexual activity)
Good luck… it CAN work and you CAN continue to be a couple and enjoy every other aspect of marriage…
IF you discuss…discuss and discuss it again…and you BOTH are happy with the situation and agree either of you can change your mind if it gets uncomfortable for either of you at any time.
So update from me…. My OH took a natural testosterone booster last night to try (you take them daily).
He was working shifts last night and when I went to bed I sent him a goodnight message to say I was heading to bed naked with a freshly shaved now naked pussy
I was woken this morning with a rather enthusiastic OH…… and whilst not perfect we had a very pleasurable play - first for a long time!
Now whether or not it was the tablet booster or it’s mind games I don’t care. It was great to feel him again! And it’s a good start to getting back on track and boosting his confidence and then start some serious play
We do have some sildenafil but yet to try. I’ll let you know how that goes……
For me if the sex is coming from my OH then I’ll be a very happy lady. No lover would be required.
My story is a different one, but as a woman in an open marriage - which is theoretically open for both but me being the only one who has taken advantage of this option - I’d like to throw my two cents in here …
@Leon2021, please don’t listen to voices saying that your wife doesn’t love you (enough) if your sex doesn’t satisfy her and she craves action with other men instead. That’s bullcrap!
People are different, every relationship is different, everyone has different needs.
Whether due to or apart from health reasons: Some of us need more sex, some need less, some are OK with no sex at all, some unfortunately do have to cope with very little fun and lots of issues.
And sometimes two people who share their lives and love each other are sexually not compatible.
I’m sure this is much more common than talked about.
Maybe the discussion about the alleged unfairness of her but not you getting a lover is unnecessary? Would you even be interested?
I know from my own situation that’s not a given.
My husband simply does not want to be with someone else. Despite having no medical/functional problems and us not sleeping together (unfortunately our sex didn’t work for me any more).
The only ones who can decide what may be the right solution in your case are you and your wife.
There’s never a guarantee for anything to go perfectly smooth and damage free.
To avoid disappointment, misunderstandings and hurt you two should talk very openly and thoroughly about all details of a possible arrangement in advance.
Honesty and good communication are most important.
It’s really up to you guys and what you think your marriage can take.
You are the only two people who really know your relationship and can figure out what your own and your wife’s individual needs and expectations are.
WOW! I absolutely love that advice. Love is not sex and sex is not love. When you say you aren’t sleeping together do you mean you sleep in separate beds or do you mean that you no longer let him have sex? IMHO either one is perfectly fine as long as you are both accepting of it.
I have to agree with @BloodAndFire. My wife and I only have sex once about every year and a half and although we sleep in same bed we have seperate covers and she has been completely faithful and I am the one that ends up talking to and sexting other girls but have never actually met up or fucked any.
We have a male friend who is married and has been for over 30 years, his wife is no longer interested in sex as he is very big, and makes it painful for her which meant she completely shut down sexually and was more than happy for him to go elsewhere for sex. They are totally loved up and will be together forever but his sex drive is off the scale. We got chatting about sex while we were at dinner with them about 2 years ago, and they explained their situation, and she asked about him coming to me for sex as we had spoken of 3somes, toys, breastfeeding and more.
We agreed to welcome him into our playtimes and he has been coming regularly ever since. Their relationship is still strong in fact I think it has got stronger as although she was always supportive of him getting sex elsewhere I think there was always a worry in her mind, but now he only comes to us she knows it will always just be physical. In fact she has come to watch on several occasions and has recently admitted she has been getting turned on to the point that this week she asked if she could use my wand as her husband and my oh dp’d me and that we all spoke to her about what was going on while we were doing it. It was amazing edited by mod It was wonderful to see them both soo happy afterwards and so in love we have all have agreed no expectations on her but she has asked to watch again next week.
@Leon2021 We’ve started sleeping alone in separate bedrooms many years ago, already long before we even got married actually.
The whole story why we still got married and didn’t split up back then, as a couple in their late 20s would normally do in a case like this, is too complicated and too unusual to explain.
For us, in our special situation, it was just the way we felt we had to handle things.
Initially we had thought about breaking up. Or kind of had broken up.
But as we were still sharing an apartment, we noticed that we got along better than before.
For a very long time we didn’t know if we were a couple any more at all, but we loved being around each other and kept sharing our lives together.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years now.
The dude is my best friend and my family, and we trust each other 100%. That’s priceless.
We can talk about absolutely everything, share many of the same interests, the same kind of humour and love spending our time together.
We get along fantastic and sure have a deeper connection than most couples, but we don’t share any form of physical intimacy, except for occasional hugging.
Trying hard to fix things (that I always knew couldn’t be fixed) in bed would only have led to further frustration and destroyed our otherwise amazing relationship.
@BloodAndFire such a well written post. I’m totally intrigued by your “circumstances”.
I’m not pressing for elaboration if you aren’t comfortable with that.
We sleep in the same bed and cuddle a lot. Even before I had ED issues sex was very rare between us. I prefer the role of her wingman and confident to needing to please her in bed and if that means I go without then it was always a price worth paying to be with an amazing woman.
we had a similar discussion and for a few months I did have a lover or fuck buddy as I prefer to call him - it was just that, a fuck.
