Wife taking a lover

We’ve been married for over 20 years and have a great and stable relationship the only fly in the ointment is sex. We’re comfortable enough with each other for my wife to admit she could happily admit she could live without us having sex because my technique just doesn’t do it for her. We’ve tried to improve what I do but I just don’t do it sexually for her. I love her enough to let her take a man to give her the sex I can’t provide if the right man comes along. Has anyone got a marriage like this and what advice would you give? I’ve seen cuckold porn and this is much more for practical reasons than a fetish. Also, it isn’t swinging as it would be strictly only open for her.

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Sorry to hear that, dude. I have to admit, usually one hears those stories from the other way, i.e. “he’s such an arsehat, but he’s so good in the sack,” and so on. Although, I can’t imagine what your wife might be missing if you’ve made the genuine effort to appease whatever itches she needs scratched. Is it something extra-kinky that you can’t get your head around, or just not hitting the right spot in regards to length/girth, or what’s the deal here? Most couples regardless of incompatibility to tend to find the right position to satisfy both partners, and if that’s not the case, then there are other ways besides PIV sex that can hit those buttons for her without the need to introduce a third party into the mix; so the only thing my pessimistic mind can come up with is that she wants something on the side, whether you’re on-board with it or not.

It might be time for you and your wife to have a Crunch-Time discussion in why she feels this way, and more importantly why she thinks you cannot (or will not) ever meet her unidentified needs. Communication is vital here; don’t merely accept it on faith, or be steered into some cuckold thing of hers if that isn’t for you. You have just as much right to sexual happiness as everyone else, and to have the answers to your questions, which it seems only she can provide. But you have to get her to answer them to your satisfaction, else she is trying to gaslight you into accepting a false premise. Seriously, best of luck with it, mate.

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I have to admit that I take an alternative view.

If your relationship is comfortable enough that you can have this discussion and she does just want the practical aspects of different (however that is defined) sex with someone else, then why not?

Lots of women find it very easy to separate sex from relationships and certainly sex from love. I think it shows maturity and respect for your wife that you are happy to think about it.

I know two girlfriends who have drifted into similar arrangements. In both cases it was because the husband worked away for long periods when they were first married, one Royal Navy and one United Nations, and both had ‘company’ during overseas deployments.

That became the norm in both relationships and now, later, following children both have lovers where the husbands support regular sexual relations but nothing more. To be blunt, they just stay over once or twice a month to be fucked the way they like.

I would certainly consider something like this in a future marriage or relationship and part of me thinks it is probably healthy and normal when it is so unusual for sex drives and desires to be equally matched through all phases of a marriage.

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that is very inspiring. There is so much more to a marriage than sex. Taking sex out of the marriage allows the couple to focus on the couple to focus on all the other parts of the marriage but allows the wife to still be fulfilled sexually.

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@Leon2021
Well done on opening up and asking for support.
You have admitted that you don’t mind if this happens and I have heard this story on numerous occasions.
One thing to seriously think about- there is no turning back.
Once your wife has been with someone, you can’t change it back.
I know from a personal point of view - I would find it difficult and I know of someone who did do it and massively regrets it.
I know each case is extremely different but wanted to give my 2 pennies worth.
I couldn’t but take my hat off to people that can.

Have you experimented with other options and toys.
Toys that can add length, girth, clit stimulation?

Not every man can please every woman but it shows you love her and would try anything to make her happy.
Can only commend that.

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Hi Leon. Has your wife explicitly said that she wants to or would persue see with someone else or are you assuming that she may want that given it were an option? My wife has the same view of being able to live without sex in our marriage but she has also said she would not want see with someone else as its "not what married people do " in her words. I have told my wife that I would be happy for her to find enjoyment in sex with someone else if that made her happy and sexually fulfilled but she seemed shocked at the thought and rejected the suggestion outright. Maybe the issue is not your performance but rather her mindset like it is for my partner and I ?

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Hi @Leon2021,

I think it is an admirable position to be taking, and obv a lot of trust and faith between the two of you. Not anything I can personally comment on in terms of experience, but would just like to suggest taking it slowly.
There is always a difference with how we think we will react and how we actually react to things like this, and that goes for you both. I would be surprised if it didn’t cause some changes between the two of you.
If you are both sure it is the right way forward, maybe start with her doing some social meets first. As someone else mentioned, once it happens you cannot go back from there.
Your wife may feel guilt/shame etc., after the event - it isn’t just about you being OK with it.
One question that would be worth asking is what her thoughts would be on you being with someone else? You have said it is strictly her, but if she is uncomfortable with the thought of you with someone else she could feel quite bad after the event.

I also wonder why you think you have no sexual needs or requirements yourself?
You’ve said clearly it is a practical thing, not fetish related and strictly for her. How will your needs get met?
Again, this may bring up other stuff down the line if she is being satisfied by a 3rd party and your left wanting.

Of course, only food for thought so no need to reply with anything, from your post you’d clearly do anything for the lady you love - just take it slowly, and talk LOTS. If there’s something on your mind or in your heart about it, talk to the wife about it. And then talk about it again. You both have something way too special to lose, so cherish it and be as open and frank as possible.

Hope it all works out for the best mate, good luck!

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Personally just want to ask, why is it, in your words “strictly only open for her”? Is it a case where you just don’t wish to have sex with somebody else, or is she actively not letting you? Because surely it should go both ways if people have needs. I’d personally see it quite unfair if she was allowed to sleep with others because she doesn’t enjoy your technique, but wouldn’t let you sleep with somebody who does, in fairness?

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It might look unfair from the outside but not wanting me to have sex is because she cares and wants me to be for her. It is out of love that she wouldn’t want that.

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There’s a few people she said she’d love to fuck but it hasn’t gone any further.

We’ve dabbled with toys in the past but what I don’t give her is excitement.

Obviously I’m not in your shoes and don’t know your relationship but that sounds like an absolutely massive red flag to me. From the outside looking in, “My wife wants to have sex with other men because she doesn’t enjoy what I do in bed but I’m not allowed to do the same because she loves me too much” seems really suspect.

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I agree with MK7 on this. Unless this is something that you also want and will enjoy being deprived of a sex life , this does not sound like a respectful relationship from her part . You say she has previously said there are people she would like to have set with but has not taken it further - is this because the opportunity to take it further never presented itself or because she felt it was not appropriate in terms of your marriage . If its just the physical enjoyment she is missing from sex with you and you don’t mind her going elsewhere but still want to enjoy her enjoying sex, how do you think you would feel bringing another fella or couple o join you both?

Hey Leon,

Interesting message and I have to say, I have actually been one of the individuals who have come into provide a female partner with “what they desire“. The couple were completely in love and had no other issues. The couple were slightly older than myself & wanted a young guy with stamina to come in to play with the wife.

Both were completely open in the situation and what they wanted and what they could give the other person and through this they found a way to get what they want. That was that she wanted a younger guy to come in and have sex with her in ways that he couldn’t and for a period of time that he couldn’t. In particular, he was finding it hard to stay erect for a prolonged period of time and also finding it hard to maintain certain positions. I was happy enough for him to sit in the room and watch and it was never anything more than what they wanted.

This set up lasted awhile until I became more interested in committed relationships. I think for the people who are saying that perhaps it’s suspicious on your partners part, are looking at it from their perspective only and with their mindset. And it’s important to remember that not all mindsets are the same.

What works for some people does not work for others. If you are comfortable to try then I would say go for it because the couple I met were absolutely in love and happy with the set up.

With that being said, I think the hardest thing will be having someone who is reliable and trustworthy.

Hope all goes well

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I don’t think it is a ‘fairness’ thing.

That is the part that would worry me, and not because of unfairness, but because it goes against what your wife is saying her beliefs around love are.
As mentioned, fantasy and reality are very different kettles of fish.

Consider she does sleep with someone else. Yes, all may go great, no negative feelings for either - as mentioned by @YoungExplorer, we’re all individual.
If her actions are against her own true beliefs of love (based on quote), might she then consider you allowing her to play with others and do not want her for yourself, that you do not love her in the same way? It could become something that she assigns any negativity she feels after the event to you for allowing it to happen.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to suggest what you should both do, or what is right or wrong for you.
Only that you need to really consider the potential mine field you both may be walking into, and that you both need to be true to each other about what is right for you. Feelings and core beliefs are tricky things to recover when lines are crossed is all.

If you go ahead with it, take your time and make sure you find the right person, and again can only suggest a social and a little experimentation before hand so if things don’t feel right for either you can abort mission.

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I wish either I or both of us could take a male lover lol

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That is an incredible insight. I’ve got erection issues too. “I’d never have guessed” I hear you say lol. How often did you see her? Did the hubby still get sex?

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I’m sure you both will. Best of luck

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Sometimes that was an issue but sometimes it wasn’t. I saw her as often as she wanted me. Sometimes the fella would just sit and watch, sometimes he would come over, kiss her and get his cock sucked (by her)

You ever considered swingers clubs as a taster?

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She wouldn’t like that at all and I’m quite introverted too. She’d much prefer to keep it very discrete