I’m also sorry somewhat for hijacking the thread by our conversation between the two of us @mrssaffa about our respective dynamics, but I think you and I have the same intention. I think we both are trying to share our experiences to try to give the “opposite side of the conversation viewpoints,” and experiences to try to shed some light of the awkwardness, confusion and misunderstandings that go along with this topic…from both pastures per se.
I would like to think our intention is not to hijack but to openly address some of the more complicated aspects of this conversation that others may feel in their own dynamics but don’t really recognize yet (possibly), without a comparative example. Or who can relate, but don’t quite have the similar mindsets you and I seem to have, with the reversal of the dynamic in our respective relationships.
I think you’re being too hard on yourself with some of your comments re: lack of responsibility, communication of what you want, assumptions about domination, and maybe most particularly “labeling it.” Our dynamic isn’t as cut and dried as I’ve apparently made it sound. And it certainly was not always easy. If I’ve given that impression, we’ll, for that I apologize. Maybe I should shed some light to clarify what I mean.
It wasn’t easy for us. And sometimes it still isn’t. I think that’s a sign you’re doing it right. If I’m not questioning something in my mind, I’m blindly believing it, and that’s my personal definition of laziness and ignorance. (Yes. I realize plenty of others are perfectly suited to fit inside your roles and I commend you for it. And if you’re one of those individuals and you keep reading you’ll quickly see why I said that about “my personal definition,” at least with regard to this topic.)
Before Ms.Anony, I was a pure Dom Pleaser. After Ms.Anony, I’ve not only learned the “darker side of sex,” in a dominant fashion, but as I’ve alluded to in other posts. I’ve learned the vulnerability (and pleasures), that comes with being in a “Submissive / Switch and or Vulnerable role,” so she could feel Dominance. As in, I may have explored anal on myself, by myself a teensy bit with regard to finding my prostate. But with Ms.Anony the trust was there to openly let her peg me. And I enjoy it, both physically and psychologically, with regard to role reversal being a semi fetish of mine as I’ve come to learn over time as a result.
Without gratuity, this kind of shows in our BDSM test results. I’m the more naturally Dominantly inclined “Switch,” (meaning fluid role swapping), and absolutely love giving her the power over me she’s never been able to feel, to empower her from the way she was treated in her past. I’ve had to teach her the intricacies of Domination, and still struggle to do so because at first all she thought was Dominant behavior was the typical “Alpha Male Aggressive Behavior/Wanna Be Alpha Overcompensation.” Either with regard to her 19 year long servitude of a “marriage,” or the things she experienced before that. This exhibited itself very early on in her actions, (particularly pegging penetration)…that didn’t sit well with me as a Dominant Individual. Even though I have realized since I love being pegged.
I’ve taught her little by little that she’s Dominant when being Submissive, when she’s focused on pleasing me. I’ve also slowly introduced Bondage, Light Choking, Sounding Play, and as I have literally the highest pain tolerance of anyone I’ve ever met (without deriving sexual pleasure from it); I’ve let her whip me and shred me to the point blood was freely running all over my body from chest to ankles and pooling rampantly. It was healthy for her to be able to do that to let out her inner rage, (it required my encouragement in the beginning, “you can go so much harder you’re not going to hurt me;” type comments, and it was healthy for me to understand how far those channels of pain ran for her.
But, maybe most importantly I’ve shown her the power she has as a Sub (in our dynamic), and how to melt me and make me give her virtually anything she’s asking for, without ever needing to deviate from the “role,” that comes most naturally to her.
Ms.Anony, is the pure Submissive who wants to be Dominant and it shows on her test result picture in terms of her D/S/Switch percentages. But that means, In fine point detail, all she’s ever been exposed to before our relationship sexually? Was either abuse, assault, or forced subservience with no…reciprocal attention, or attempt at pleasing her. So, in my Switch Role, when we swap, sometimes I’m the willing recipient of the pain she has endured, to let her feel the power that was exerted upon her against her will, that she can unleash on me with consensuality and know that she’s safe doing it whether I’m bound or not. Without fear of repercussions. Sometimes I’m the degradee, even though that’s not my bag of tea, because it’s what she needs. Sometimes I’m the penetrated. Sometimes I’m the bound. Sometimes I’m just whatever I feel she needs me to be in the moment in either D/S or Switch roles.
However, one of the parts I struggle/struggled with the most is when she asks me to do things that I know were traumatic for her to endure. As a part of the “darker side of Domination”, role. In her mind, she’s choosing to receive and experience the same traumatic experience, with someone she knows loves her, and with it being her choice. She explains this to me as an ability to re-write her past when she had no choice, no voice and no power, with our experience being one of love, and a choice with a voice, with someone she loves instead and it helps “erase,” the initial experience. I both understand that and don’t simultaneously.
I’ve learned from her leadership here with regard to my complete inability to use a public restroom after my experience with the Coma (almost 20 years ago). And the subsequent weeks of having a Nurse wheel me into the bathroom, to sometimes less gently than others shall we say, “insert,” a needle through my Urethra to empty my bladder. I’ve replaced that memory with an initial terrifying experience of sounding devices I used by myself to try to understand her mindset. At first, it was an abysmal failure is all I can say. Now though? It’s one of my preferred methods of her dominating me, if I’m being honest. (Yay Neural Networking/Re-Programming. Amirite?)
We are both utterly sexually free individuals and pretty much down for anything (ethically and consensually), we thought, In some regards, but not all. Thankfully we matched on the more severe 
No’s early on. A lot of the lesser severity No or Maybe in the future, are not in our future anymore and some were surprisingly fun for each of us over time, respectively. (Remember my caution that you be aware that these things would change over time?) It’s from personal experience, not a sense of having more knowledge or a lack of “naïveté,” as you unfairly described yourself.
We will both do whatever it takes to please whoever we are with before we met, and now only each other and those we meet together. She did it in a Pure Sub way and I did it in a Pure Dom (Pleaser), way. We’ve pushed each others boundaries (healthily). We have grown a whole lot as a result be it Sexually, Emotionally, or Intellectually. Most importantly to us though? We have grown Together in a Relationship, both inside and outdid the bedroom or the BDSM lifestyle.
It’s taken us years, with that (dabbling on the other side of BDSM - kinder/darker sides of love). While having expressed that as a mutual desire from one of our very first conversations that we ever had. Before we were even a couple.
The perhaps biggest problem I’ve run into in the beginning (inside the bedroom and outside), is that she is so much of a Sub. She will do whatever I say. Even if she doesn’t want to. Or she would ask me a question about what she should do, with regard to her something i have no right nor desire to decide. I casually answered with what was a common sense response to me, just to find out that she had then turned around and done exactly what I said, exactly how I said it. With things that I intended only as advice, like with regards to her two adult children as an example. I learned very quickly to give her an “Option A,B, and C if it were me, so you decide what’s right for you,” type of response the hard way.
She’s shall we politely say stunted at communicating, going back to her, “no voice, no choice, no power;” with regard to her previous “forced situation-ships,” is what I call them. And perhaps, In the beginning “unleashing her inner beast,” was…exactly that. And I had to fluidly step in while being bent over in front of her and take control back, when she was in danger of internally complicating issues for me, which wasn’t exactly easy to do. Because the worst part to me, was her obvious expressions of being rebuked, and that she felt like she was doing it wrong. Even if at times she was I didn’t want to make her feel that way as I was afraid she would be even more hesitant to try to express the Dominance she wanted and clearly needed to in the future.
Bottom line take away? Ive had to from the very beginning, weigh the statements that were almost at times pulled out out of her, seemingly against her will? But were due to her fear of open communication, despite that open communication being a requisite requirement for us entering the relationship in both of our minds and stated by both of us verbatim before entering the relationship. Either because of her initial fear of communicating or initial inability to do so; but also my statements made to her and how they may possibly affect her (either inside or outside the bedroom). From both her perspective or situation when she wasn’t able to voice her perspective, and mine, with actual equality and to ensure I wasn’t unintentionally or unknowingly taking advantage of her on accident due to her always there Submissive Nature.
I’ve had to patiently, Dominantly, Logingly teach her how to communicate both inside and outside the bedroom and outside of BDSM. Tell her she always has a choice, and a voice with me. That it’s ok to say no. That she should say no if she has the slightest twinge of hesitation.
That the way she was treated in her past isn’t ok. Why when the expression of “uhhhhh, what did you just ask me to do?”, appears on my face. That it isn’t a reflection on her or her request. But more a lack of understanding on my part of how it could potentially be emotionally healthy, and the communication required to make sure it is for her.
Even if sometimes it isn’t for me, it’s s price I’m willing to pay to help her, after a lot of deep thought and communication on the matter. (This is where I gave you that unsolicited advice on not thinking in your partners mind, that you were the only one in physical danger comment came from).
I see it as shifting some of an unbearable weight off her shoulders, and trying to help make her load a little lighter. I can analyze and understand, and choose to help her how she asks. She has no choice if I don’t help and is stuck carrying the pain by herself. There is no price I would not pay for this woman. Let’s be clear about that. At times, it has taken exactly that reminder to myself to “go against the grain.”
I would also like to point out (in my opinion), that since the conversation started with Dom/Sub/Switch language. I continued to use that language. I know I said I feel you’re being too self-critical with labelling things earlier, and I still do feel you are.
But at the same time, there’s a whole lot more to BDSM than Dom/Sub/Switch. It’s obvious if you look at both of our BDSM quiz results side by side in that thread. I’m both a Rigger and a Bunny. I’m both a Sadist (though I feel like that was with regard to the way I answered things relating to Sadism but more from the Dom/Pleaser perspective instead), and a Masochist. I’m a Dom (and all related titles almost 100%), with the exception of I think Puppy/Pet related play.
She is almost equally a Dom/Sub/and Switch. But, I feel she answered that the way she wishes she was. We’ve talked about it and she has more or less begrudgingly agreed. So, I’ve just said let’s work on making that wish a reality then.
There’s a reason AgePlay is the first thing listed on my test results. And a reason Boy/Girl is on hers. After I met her father, I understood why she called me daddy while in the throes that first time, that instantly made me almost want to hurl due to where I was raised and the prevalence of that being most women’s first … traumatic experience, shall we say.
I talked to her about it in depth afterwards. Bottom line. Even though her dad is Black/Native American and if you see my DNA ancestry I’m literally 100% Caucasian Races, with 0% undetermined. It’s because her Dad was the only one who ever understood her, and who always protected her. The rest of her family, unfortunately, did not all do the same shall we say.
That’s when I embraced being called Daddy for the first time, to a Creole Black Woman. She wasn’t the first or probably the 20th (literally), to try, irrespective of race. But with her, I have embraced it both inside and outside the bedroom. In public even at times when she slips and I’ve had to deal with the Death Glares of older Black Men afterwards. Until they see the true love that is unmistakably there.
I think of her as my LilGirl, because in many ways she is. She’s too nice, kind and understanding for this world. It’s like she’s a little ray of childlike level of bright sunshine that brightens everyone’s life, that very few people have ever taken the time to shield from the jadedness life brings. And she’s maintained the sunshine anyway. I think of it as a true testament to her inner strength. Because a lot of people would have taken a different outlook instead.
While I’m hoping none of the trauma related backstory has happened to anyone else reading this, I’m all too aware of the prevalence of its perpetration upon women (or anyone for that matter). I’m hoping to those individuals that are unfortunate enough to recognize similarities, they may be able to avoid some of the pitfalls this type of lifestyle could lead down if they don’t take the time to make sure that it won’t.
But also that they realize it may be for them, like it is for Ms.Anony, my LilGirl, a source of therapeutic catharsis when done in the way they want. With the knowledge that they are the ones in power, when they choose to relinquish control and trust someone to take care of them how they need them to. Because it is a choice they are making, as much as it’s a Doms choice to be the one that is chosen, because they are worthy of holding that trust and vulnerability and taking care of it respectfully (within each dynamics specific circumstances obviously).
@mrssaffa Considering all of that and the similarities between your husband and I, especially with regard to how we were raised to treat women. And between you and I, with what I would call our shared overly analytical / want to understand every detail like nature.
I think you can see how I’m not some omniscient source of knowledge on this topic. I’ve just struggled (a lot), with understanding what she wanted and needed due to the depth of her past trauma and the prevalence of it. Then I’ve struggled with giving her what she was asking for at times. The discomfort and concern it has caused me at various points. The reasons why. And the razor edge I’ve felt like I was treading for the majority of it with regard to her emotional well being, as well as mine (with regard to some of the things she wanted me to do to her that definitely classed as going against the grain, or my concerns they might worsen things for us as a result).
I’m no more experienced than you are possessive of naïveté . I’ve just been on the winding mountain road longer and have more vista points to look from is all. I remember where the tire went flat and what I had to do to fix it. Where I struggled to find a pit stop on a road with no shoulder. The growth we’ve shared on the road trip together. And all of the beautiful sights along the road to mountain top, which are innumerable.
I truly hope that anyone reading this, finds the same road to their own mountain top. Because mine has a wonderful view and is the source (the relationship), of the only true happiness I’ve ever found in life.
I hope that feeling of feeling dirty goes away 
it’s not that it’s dirty it’s just a comfort thing for some people. 
