Am I too nice?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Am i too nice? In most relationships i like to do all the giving, I enjoy seeing a woman having pleasure. I love giving women oral, massages, sented baths, gifts, and doing everything i can to please her - women are wonderful in every way, and they deserve to be treated that way.

But after a while i find they take me for granted, and the giving stays one way?

I don't mind, but it's nice to have something back?

I'm married for 12 years and our sex lives seem to be all her way. I love her o the moon and back, band find her as attractive as the day i met her. But i feel lonely sometimes.

Have i spoilt her so much she doesn't know how to give back anymore?

2

Perhaps.

IMO what you need to to is to tell her how you feel and perhaps discuss your fantasies with her or trhings you want to try.

Communication is the cornerstone of all relationships .

But dont go at it like a bull in a China shop or she willl just go on the defensive and give you the silent treatment . Your best bet is to discuss it over a meal either at home or out .

But sex should be and needs to be enjoyable for both parties and not just the one.

3

lovely to read that there are men like you still alive on this earth and you havent all become extinct.

but not lovely that you feel lonely. you are absolutely right about sex being enjoyable for both parties.

the only way you are going to fix this is to communicate with her. tell her for you, things have got a bit stalemate. although you love giving, it is kind to reciprocate/appreciate it. she may have got slack and indeed is taking you for granted. and it is ok to feel this way.

again you 2 need to talk about this, dont sit and fret on it for ages, it will just eat away at you and cause bigger problems. be delicate with your approach and try not to upset her. good luck!

🐼

4

I have asked and asked and asked for probably around 7 or 8 years. Fed up of asking tbh, but needless to say i keep that train of thought to myself.

When i tackle this, she tries for a VERY short while, and before long things get back to normal.

She admits being a Lazy Lover, but that's her Get out of jail free card!

So when i raise the subject, it's an instant OMG he's on about this again!

I love her to bits and keep my mouth shut most of the time, as i don't like arguments and i just know it will end up with that reaction.

She doesn't like talking about it, and i feel if we are happily married it's something she'd want to do rather than continually being asked? In which case she's doing it because she has to not because she wants to, And i wouldn't want that.

She enjoys sex, but she's bound to, it's her lying back while i do 100% of the work 100% of the time?

5

MrGoodGuy wrote:

I have asked and asked and asked for probably around 7 or 8 years. Fed up of asking tbh, but needless to say i keep that train of thought to myself.

When i tackle this, she tries for a VERY short while, and before long things get back to normal.

She admits being a Lazy Lover, but that's her Get out of jail free card!

So when i raise the subject, it's an instant OMG he's on about this again!

I love her to bits and keep my mouth shut most of the time, as i don't like arguments and i just know it will end up with that reaction.

She doesn't like talking about it, and i feel if we are happily married it's something she'd want to do rather than continually being asked? In which case she's doing it because she has to not because she wants to, And i wouldn't want that.

She enjoys sex, but she's bound to, it's her lying back while i do 100% of the work 100% of the time?

doesnt sound like youre happy at all tbh.

sex is a very important factor especially in a marriage.

its kinda tough that she doesnt like talking about it tbh, you're unhappy so of course it needs to be discussed? 😕 if the shoe was on the other foot - if she wasnt a big fan of you being a giver, i am certain she would demand you to sit up and listen to what she has to say? works both ways...

if i were you id demand things to change.

🐼

6

Scary word DEMAND. Don't feel a marriage should ever include this word.

Yes i am unhappy with this side of our relationship, but i'm not willing to walk away from her just because of this.

A relationship is like making a cake, you have to include all the required ingredients else the cake won't turn out correctly.

Isn't this where relationships fail, and people cheat or leave?

I have thought of both of these, and hate having those thoughts, I'm married, she's amazing, "If only i can correct this bit of our relationship" things would be as good as i could ask.

I've tried not giving for a while, but then she ignores sex for as long s i maintain my vigil, just because if i don't make the first move, she's content with going without.

But i make the move, and she's into it with a passion.

I can give her oral for a very long time, massages which i have learnt online, techniques to please her and be a star lover, everything i can to please.

And in return a 30 second bj or hand job.

Perhaps it's time to accept this is how it is, and accept it or leave it?

7

Sounds like you have answered your own question.

8

Stop giving so much. If she's getting tons of stimulation from you, could she be too tired or lost in the moment to then return the favour? Why not ask her to take care of you first for a change?

9

MrGoodGuy wrote:

Scary word DEMAND. Don't feel a marriage should ever include this word.

Yes i am unhappy with this side of our relationship, but i'm not willing to walk away from her just because of this.

A relationship is like making a cake, you have to include all the required ingredients else the cake won't turn out correctly.

Isn't this where relationships fail, and people cheat or leave?

I have thought of both of these, and hate having those thoughts, I'm married, she's amazing, "If only i can correct this bit of our relationship" things would be as good as i could ask.

I've tried not giving for a while, but then she ignores sex for as long s i maintain my vigil, just because if i don't make the first move, she's content with going without.

But i make the move, and she's into it with a passion.

I can give her oral for a very long time, massages which i have learnt online, techniques to please her and be a star lover, everything i can to please.

And in return a 30 second bj or hand job.

Perhaps it's time to accept this is how it is, and accept it or leave it?

I still think your best bet is to try a fantasy that you both like and want to do .Even if it means dressing up in a costume which can make something really hot and sexy for both parties .I know your always the one giving but just say for example she wanted to be spanked . What would be hotter than her over your knee in a pleated short skirt. That way you would both get enjoyment out of it.

10

Recently we've tried spicing our sex lives up by participating in new stuff, and she's been wonderful.

It's the warm and sensual side of our relationship where we make love and enjoy each others bodies side of it, is where she struggles.

I've asked til i'm blue in the face about a fantasy, so far absolutely nothing !

And if i state stuff, her response is I've done everything you've wanted to do!

I don't want to leave her, we both feel like destiny pulled us together as our story of meeting is really something.

But i don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling empty and secretly being angry at her.

11

Just an idea. What about taking it in turns giving each other a massage. That way it will enable you both to relax .

I think she is just the type that clams up or gets emabarrased just talking about sex .

I think you will just have to keep chipping away until you both find some common ground.

Another question though . What happens in your foreplay? Surely she recipricates ?

12

Thank you mysteron, i think you may be onto something?

Remember when you were young (Appologies if you still are!) and sex was fun and new, with no outside restraints like bills, kids, and work?

Taking things back to basics may be the answer.

Learning to love again, and understand what each other needs.

Massages may be a good starting place.

My only reservation, is that i explore new things and try to learn how to do things to my best.

I've researched new ways of massage and practiced them, as with oral and hand techniques.

I want be the best a woman has had,.

She tends to be, I don't want to research stuff, why cant you just be happy? Then i get some half arsed attempt and i'm too much of a gentleman to complain!

Work in progress i think?

13

You should find some good info on here about massaging . Just use your search button.

Don't be surprised though , if your too good she may just drift off to sleep . Its happened to me a couple of times .

14

Yes i've nearly had the same

If this happens i go with it.

Dissapointing without a doubt, but worth every penny to your partner, knowing it wasn't all about getting sex as an end goal.

Just about doing something nice, because you love her

15

Hi, it sounds like we have similar issues. I love my Wife so much and will do anything for her. I've always had an attitude of "ladies come first" and I can spend an hour pleasuring her to orgasm. She is usually then sleepy and is only happy to have intercourse. She loves oral, but will not reciprocate, in fact she doesn't kiss passionately, lick, suck or do anything other than have intercourse with me, although she has done the very occasional handjob. Intercourse is great, but I want something more personally focused on me, her being interested in giving me pleasure, intercourse always feels like I "take" pleasure. She never has an orgasm from intercourse and doesn't like me to play with her during intercourse, suggestions of using a vibe during intercourse so that we both orgasm together has also been rejected previously. We have taken a step back to look at ourselves and our relationship. We have been together 36 years and in the first 5 years she was much more adventurous, but something changed. It's slow progress discussing how you feel, how your life has affected you, but it has started us to think about how we connect with each other. We are now at least having sex more, but it's more of the same. At least now my Wife is exploring herself by masturbating, something she rarely did, and I was hoping this my open her mind to pleasuring me more, but it hasn't. I discussed getting some toys for myself and my Wife agreed she was okay with that. I left it open that she could ask me about them, but she hasn't, she doesn't seem interested, she wouldn't look at the LH website with me. I'm yet to discuss this with her, but I worry that it's a "control" thing for her. We only have sex when she is prepared to, but I have to initiate the thought for her, she would rarely if ever suggest sex. Her parents had a very acrimonious divorce and my Wife was caught in the middle of that in the period during our first 5 years together. I worry that it has affected her attitude to trust and control in a relationship. Well that's my journey so far, I wanted to show you, you are not alone, and that things may be more complex than you might think. We have been reading the relate e book "sex in loving relationships", but as soon as we have got to the improving sex life chapters, my Wife has stopped reading it...... need to discuss this with her......It may be useful for you both to look at this book also, it has some practical advice and insights.

16

Mr goodgye. Have you considered a Dom/sub relationship? You sound like a willing sub, but perhapse in a Dom / sub relationship you would get more respect and reward for your efforts.

Feel free to completely ignore my suggestion it's not for everyone, but it might be worth a try.

17

My honest view is that there's something underlaying that you may never get to the bottom of without help of a councellor. Probably nothing to do with sex and a long-term issue that has never been acknowledged, challenged and worked through.

To me, this passive way of leaving things to another person becomes such hard work and is a selfish trait that isn't fair on the giver. You've identified this, but IMO going somewhere such as Relate, will help you both. It is hard work, but ultimately, you clearly value your OH and without intervention, you will continue the cycle of raising it, it improves for a bit, slip into old behaviours, you getting fed up again....

18

Fun Louise wrote:

Mr goodgye. Have you considered a Dom/sub relationship? You sound like a willing sub, but perhapse in a Dom / sub relationship you would get more respect and reward for your efforts.

Feel free to completely ignore my suggestion it's not for everyone, but it might be worth a try.

+1

19

Thanks for the advice, it's all been rock solid stuff.

I think we'd have to play around with the sub dom topic, and I get where you are coming from, and thinking about it - it doesn't have to be chains and whips does it?

"More sexy at 50" Feel for you chap, think you have it worse than me!

It's difficult when you commit to love but that essential ingredient is missing.

I often wake up and say to myself "move on", I don't want to spend the rest of my life bargaining to feel loved? Or just to be touched in bed at night, not necessarily in a sexual way either.

A hug, a kiss, a placed hand on my side. Little tokens of affection that don't cost nothing.

I don't want to feel like this, marriage is for life. But marriage must work both ways.

Pains me when I see women who's OH don't show them affection, buys them flowers for birthday or valentines day etc. But not at any other times.

Women are delicate flowers that need nurturing every day of the year.

Why can't it be a boring Wednesday afternoon when you buy them flowers, or Pandora jewellery.

They've had a hard day at work too, run them a bath, with candles and smellies, followed by a meal and perhaps a massage - but no sex! You are doing it for them remember!

Listen to her when she tells you about her day.

Post it notes around the kitchen with love messages, write poems, send texts.

Most important, wake up EVERY day with a smile and tell her how beautiful she is, how much you love her.

You wouldn't treat her bad or neglect her in the first weeks of meeting her would you? So why do it later when you supposedly love her more? If you don't give her love and attention, someone else will!

I try to be the perfect OH every single day, don't always get it right, I'm not perfect. But I try.

It's just a shame that after I put so much effort into our relationship, that I get so little back.

It is true that Nice Guys Finish Last.

20

Mr GoodGuy we jhave a lot in common in regards to how you feel about being lonely. My wife doesn't like to talk about sex really. She get all of the massages and lots of oral but 70% she doesn't give it back.

I did say to her recently that I have nobody to speak to about things apart from her. I did have a workmate that I could talk too= her and she would speak to me about her relationship and it was good to get a woman's view on things even though my wife never knew that we talked on that level. She would give me advice which help me. Sadly she died a few months ago at 53.

My wife has friends that she can speak to if she wants too.

I accept that I have to continue to make her happy and hope that things will change