My wife and I have been together for 12years now, everything we do now is awesome, I’d just like to try some more.
Is there a better way to ask her so she would be more willing and open to give it a try.
I have asked her if there is anything she has ever wanted to try or do that we don’t, the response is I haven’t thought about it. Is that a no to everything else? Even if I mention anal, blindfolding and restraints, it doesn’t seem to get much of a reaction, i don’t want to keep on about it so she puts up a wall.
Timing, tone and turf. Open honest communication. But give her room and space to come back to you with answers or suggestions. Maybe you guys can try a worksheet separately and bring them together to see where you match?
I would start with the blindfold with a “silence is consent” stance. If she doesnt like it she will tell you right away and its pretty low key. From there move to restraints. For some people they dont want to vocalize. Do a review after. “Was that OK?” “Should we do that again?” Hopefully that gets her talking more.
Her saying ‘I haven’t thought about it’ might just mean she’s not sure where to start, not a hard no. Maybe try easing into it during sexy time, share a fun fantasy or something small you’d love to try, like a blindfold or a new vibe, and see if she’s curious.
Keep it light, no pressure, maybe even laugh about it to make it feel safe. Sometimes it takes a few casual chats for ideas to sink in. Keep it playful and no big expectation.
If shes really not into it then there’s nothing you could do for now, maybe another time in the future. Wishing you luck, hope you both find some new ways to keep the awesome going!
Talk it through, for me it’s a matter of where and when. I find it easier to talk about awkward things (emotions and sex) whilst we are doing something neutral. We’d be on a walk, playing an innocent card game or doing the washing up. Somehow not having eye contact emboldens me to speak freely.
And these past 12 months, hubby and I have had many random chats about sexual wants and desires when sitting watching the ducks with a coffee in hand and our sex life has become so much more intense and experimental. We’ve been married 26 years and only now are we venturing into new ‘avenues’ of desire
Would also recommend you both take the bdsm test and compare notes?
A friend suggested to me that having difficult chats while out walking or doing other activities where you don’t have to have eye contact, or where the focus isn’t 100% on ‘the chat,’ makes it easiest to talk honestly. It really worked for me and over time I’ve found it easier to chat face to face too.
Have you thought about watching movies with her, Fifty Shades Of Grey, Secretary pr my personal favourite, Preaching To The Perverted? You can discuss the scenes without marching her through a sex toy store, then if something piques her interest, well, Lovehoney probably has something to help bring your new curiosities to life.
I’d definitely bring it up. But maybe be very direct.
I would really like to try xyz, would you be willing to?
My partner was always super direct and then he gets a direct answer. Sometimes I say, I will think about it and let him know. Others it’s a “that’s not for me but how about we do xyz instead.”
If she says no, then it’s a no, but she might be willing to. It might be, say the prospect of anal seems daunting. But you could explain how you could start off with finger play etc to see if she likes it or not first.
Try and make it into a joint thing, give her advance notice if she’s not previously thought about or maybe just doesn’t feel confortable sharing. Something like…
Hey babe, I know I brought this up before but I’d love to explore a few new things with you to build on our intimacy together and keep things fresh.
I’d love to here from you if there’s anything you’d like to explore or anything I can do to improve things for us both. I don’t want to throw it on you, so could we schedule some time after dinner tomorrow to talk?
I recently went through a little lul and talking openly has really been the secret to getting the flame back and keeping things alive
I can certainly relate to this although more accurately for me it’s a case of generally struggling to maintain a conversation about what new things either of us would like to try, what currently turns her on and what is good when we do have sex. It’s usually met with a fairly indifferent response. I think it’s largely a case of my wife not wanting to make any encounter about just her pleasure, as much as I would welcome that, she feels the pressure then.
I struggle to find a good time to bring it up, generally avoiding during sex (which is when I am most confident and fired up to discuss it). Then out of the bedroom it feels like too big a shift of conversation. I would love her to feel safe to talk about it with nothing considered taboo or weird. I want our sex life to have a strong and varied future together and I realise that might mean some discomfort getting to that stage. Good luck and hope anyone reading this finds their conversation to move on to the next level of pleasure or openness.
This is similar to where I’m at. My wife just isn’t comfortable discussing things. I’ve admitted some (fairly benign) things to her which has made me want to share everything to her, but it’s hard to discuss without her looking uncomfortable (nothing too extreme - light dom/sub an, teasing and watersports).
Would dearly love for our fantasies / desires to be a two-way street. But she doesn’t believe she has any. Hoping we can start discuss step by step.
Just say in a fun way hey what do you think about trying this. Honestly I was and am too scared to tell my husband what I want to try. When he mentions it to me like anal play I don’t respond cause I’m actually embarrassed to tell him yes I’d like to try it. How stupid!!! We have been together 10 years!
I bet there are a few people who can relate to that scenario. For me, even the slightest mention of new ideas, variety or fantasy would make me open up a whole host of things I want to try. (But sadly not even the slightest hint of this in our relationship). Hope you find your voice to come out and play together.
Maybe I am reading it all wrong and if I opened up a load of ideas she would suddenly do the same, but I sense it’s not the case and I would be left feeling slightly downtrodden and she might think less of me some how. That’s for me to get over I think in this case.
To be fair @ben-1982 - I’m there alongside you. I adore my wife but I think her natural reaction would be fairly judgemental. Pains me to say it, but I have to be honest. I know without doubt she’s trying (for me), but it’s doesn’t come naturally to her, and I’m torn between wanting to share things with her, but also not wanting to make her uncomfortable. I adore her, and my libido at times does lead me to (well, may as well be frank) sulk (don’t have a temper), which then causes issues, as she feels pressured in that way.
