How did you get into BDSM? Have you found since you discovered it, you just can’t stop? I would love to hear everyone’s experiences with all different types of discovering new experiences
x
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We have only really dipped a toe in, with bed restraints and lite flogging.
We have not got into domination and submissive role play and doubt that we ever will.
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For us it slowly eveloved from our female led male chastity relationship.
We’ve slowly moved into cuffs,blindfolds, restraints, anal impalement, electro torture, punishment peggings and recently impact play and watersports.
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I think that for a number of reasons that I don’t have the professional education to talk about, some people tend to naturally gravitate towards some areas of BDSM - whether it be dom/sub/slave/other etc.
Some are more extreme in what they like, and some only like the ‘softer’ parts. I’m probably nearer the extreme side of the spectrum, but am nowhere near the top.
I think that most people initially feel like it’s some form of taboo (this was definitely my experience). I’ve had some sexual partners who have had very strong opposing views on it which made me feel even more weird for wanting some of the things I want. Some people almost try to make you feel shame. It felt a little like there was something maybe ‘wrong’ with me and that I’d never get what I wanted. At a younger age I tried to ignore it, but it was still there.
Then I met this one girl and we spoke about fantasies. I opened up a bit and she was happy for me to explore some things… including the thing I wanted to try most. I learned a lot about what I liked vs what I liked the idea of, and what I didn’t like.
There are now some things under the BDSM ‘umbrella’ that I probably couldn’t live without… or I could, but I’d be very sad.
Since then I’ve learned a lot about BDSM. Including that there are a lot of people who have similar experiences to me. It’s one of the most misunderstood things in sex, in my opinion.
Theres a misconception that if you’re ’into BDSM’ then you’re into everything. But that’s not the case. There are a lot of kinks and you can pick and choose what you like, what you don’t, and in what way you like to express that.
People view it as a dungeon master inflicting pain etc, but it’s not. It means different things to different people. For some people it’s aggressive, for some it’s kinky, for some it’s very gentle, for some it’s healing.
But to conclude, and to end my rant… I’m a big fan. (Could you tell?)
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can i ask why not ? I know it’s all personal preference x
Are you finding you are more comfortable and open to new ideas now?
Wow two peas in a pod here ha. I am a huge fan of BDSM, Fetish and Kink myself and i study it. I love how you hit the nail on the head surrounding how everyone thinks you just into everything! I spent years as a sub and there’s just a few kinks the are more sub like that i just wil never let go of no matter how much i love being dominant! I think the more we repress the deeper we yearn and then when we finally give it we end up down a rabbit hole of desire and regret, regret because we put it off for so long.
x
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Gareth thankyou for sharing your story, and for covering the fact that not everyone who is into BDSM is into everything. I am a sub switch/Smart Assed Masochist, but I don’t have a desire to be “trained” and, as a Domme, I’ve never desired to peg guys either. Just a personal preference to my Domination style.
As for my BDSM story, it’s long and quite weird, so please bear with me.
I was kinda born into BDSM. I probably shouldn’t say too much, but I highly doubt that those who got me here are on the Lovehoney forums, so have at it.
As a young girl I would play doctors and nurses with my friends. I was always the patient, and I would “die” if I didn’t get enough attention, or if I didn’t feel like my “treatment” was “thorough” enough.
After that I used to play cops and robbers, and I was always the rogue cop who would let the robbers go until she got busted and arrested. I got a thrill out of doing something naughty, but I also got a thrill out of being caught and arrested, and getting into trouble. I didn’t want to be in real trouble at school, because that was bad and being bad at school meant my parents would be mad. This wasn’t about that, I liked to be in “pretend” trouble instead.
Then came the armies and spies stage with my brother and his friend, and I was always a spy. I remember being kidnapped one day and being beaten with sticks by my brother’s friend to get me to talk. I felt liberated, that’s the only way to explain it. I felt alive, I felt good. I loved being in that situation, even if it hurt. I didn’t know why, I just did. I would have done anything to be in that situation again, and I frequently tried to get “kidnapped” again though it never happened.
Moving on to my teens, I remember catching my Mum on a chatroom once, “women who like to be Dominated by men”. I didn’t understand it so I asked her, to which she told me I was “nosy”. That was that, nothing more was said on the matter.
During sex education I remember watching videos and learning about sex and I was just… bored. It seemed so mechanical and unpleasurable, and I wanted to know time and time again why I was being kept from sex, because sex seemed really dull and uneventful to me. I used to go home and pleasure myself, but my fantasies were always on being taken into the woods and used by groups of Year 11 boys (when I was in Year 9), or, I can recall, being tied up and kept for sex on a canal boat in a harbour. Specific, I know, but in all of this I thought I was weird - why couldn’t I just want “normal” sex? Like “normal” people?
Fast forward some years and in my late teens, during a family fitness session, my parents felt it was right for us to know that my mother was a “pain junkie”. My brother was horrified, but I was fascinated, even relieved. For me, it gave a name to a lot of the thoughts I had.
So my parents mentored my first steps into the BDSM community.
We had a lot of very strict rules, like my family and I don’t have any engagement whatsoever in terms of our BDSM practices, we don’t discuss what we get up to, what our fantasies are etc. It is thanks to my mother though that I heard of BDSM, and was able to start exploring my fantasies for myself.
Seventeen years later, I am now a mentor and teacher in the community and as a nod to my parents and the love, support and mentorship that they gave me. My parents are known locally, and with it, so am I. I’ve been both Dominant and submissive in my relationships, though I much prefer the submissive role 
NB. By the time I finished this post, I was listening to Halsey’s “Not Afraid Anymore” from the Fifty Shades Darker score and waiting for my husband to wake up 
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I’m also studying it. It really helps deepens the connection and understanding way more than just doing it.
I’m mostly reading what subs get out of it so that I can make sure that it’s not super one sided.
Still so much more to explore and learn for me.
Are you studying in any particular way?
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The connection is everything between Dom and sub, and when you have it, it will deepen your relationship immeasurably. It has mine.
Hubs and I have been together 17 years and so many people wonder what our secret is. Our “secret” is that I’m his submissive, but he respects me as his submissive and doesn’t make or expect me to do things that I’m not comfortable with. He doesn’t take a, as I like to call it, a “Mrs Trunchbull” approach to Domination - “I’m Dom, you’re sub. I’m big, you’re little. I’m right, you’re wrong”. That’s the secret.
You will never watch Matilda the same after this 
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It is simply that, we both are happy with what we are currently doing, but neither want to take it further.
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I’m so intrigued by the psyche behind everyone’s kinks and fetishes plus i find it makes me a better Domme. I love getting into the minds of my subs, i love taking them down a path in their mind to the place they find discomfort, using it to unpick at the confidence and bravado. Every subs say the will willing submit but they all put up a wall subconsciously that is my job to knock down. I genuinely love watching the fight between their eyes as i prickle a nerve or stumble on a deep rooted secret they have left exposed. Humiliating them by being in their mind, rooting around in their darkest desires and degrading them for it and this is all before i have even begun any type of play. I like worship but i don’t want my sub to WANT to worship me if that makes sense, i want them to hate worshipping me because i have taking them to the point of destruction.
Knowledge is power and i study all aspects for that simple reason. I love getting lost in a new kink, i love studying others methods and i particularly love studying the impact the dynamic has on day to day life. Sometimes i switch roles just to remind myself how it feels to be back at the end of the whip so to speak ( albeit less and less so now) but we learn from experiences don’t we so it’s best to sometimes dive back in.
Sorry i started rambling, once i start writing i can’t stop haha.
x
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I’ve always been the one pushing the boundaries so I’m over the moon with the progress.
I’m also very grateful to my wife who is always prepared to try something before she makes a decision.
So far she hasn’t found anything she’s not prepared to do to me.
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@BellaBluexxx different approach to me then. I’ve never wanted to pick my subs apart, I want to understand them and build them up, to “okay” their fetishes and kinks. I’ve had subs hate me, but hate me because they’re addicted to me, hate me because I do what I do so well - I make them my toy, but I make them feel safe and accepted. They crave that.
The day a sub told me he was going away and wanted to “forget” about me, it broke me. I cared about him so much and it ripped my heart out to think I’d done something wrong. Both of my ex subs have since tried to come back to me but one (the aforementioned) had major red flags and the other already has a Mistress. I won’t play with somebody else’s property unless it’s given to me, it’s respect.
I’m into worship as a Domme too but because I know some men crave it and if they want to worship a Goddess then they’re not leaving til She’s satisfied
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It does depend on the sub the ones i pick apart are usually the ones who are ready for it we do have discussions about it before play and it’s usually a build up to it, they feel safe with me so are happy to explore the less explored side. I wouldn’t do this with a sub straight away that would be wholly unethical. Sisification for instance is a massive step for some subs and needs lots of confidence building and trust to get to the level of feeling comfortable, once that’s established then i always find they begin to express desires to be broken, explored and such like.
However i do find a lot of my male subs want to be broken to be fully owned, feminised or controlled. There is the few who need me for nurture and that’s how we build and explore via the nurture root. Women subs i have played with tend to be more nurture and reward hungry whereas the men like the degrading and humiliation side.
We can only go off our experiences and mine as a sub to a male Dom i never felt fully satisfied because it was all about sexual pleasure, orgasm depriving, forced orgasm or humiliation because it is something he wanted to do and feel whereas with a female Domme i was lucky to experience play with, it was different she found the reason why i didn’t deserve certain things or justified why i was made to do something tho i hated doing it and it was a borderline limit. I left our sessions exhausted but exhilarated knowing more about myself whereas with the male side of Dom i just felt like i had good sex.
I love worhsip but i love to make them earn it too, every guy thinks the thought of 2 hours of face sitting is amazing but they soon find out how gruelling it can be haha.
x
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@BellaBluexxx got you, yes, prior discussions and consent are everything, and both of my male subs sound like ones you’ve been involved with. The first was particularly into chastity and uniforms, and the latter was more into sissification and degradation. I’ve always loved humiliation and degradation play, and orgasm control, it’s like the freedom to bully and be mean and to know that you’re actually loved when you bully and me mean haha. At the same time though I come from a military background so for me, as well as taking my subs apart, I wanted them to explore and discover their true abilities and worth. Both to me as my submissive, and in themselves.
I’ve never been with a Domme myself. It’s weird because I’ve had a recurring dream of it but I’ve never experienced it, or wanted to for that. Dream-Domme is far more harsh than any male Dom I have ever been with - she made me walk over broken glass once! - but she’s a dream, not a fantasy. I am naturally more nurturing towards women, I am more “boyfriendish” and have no conscious desire to submit to women, or feminine-identifying people.
Interestingly however, I do find myself submissively attracted moreso to Tomboys (like me) and more masculine-identifying people. Could I be swayed if the opportunity presented then, at least to some extent? I’m not ruling it out. Again though, I think it would just be kinky sex, more than “proper” BDSM. I could be mistaken, of course. I am demisexual, so much more of it depends on who I am with, than relies on their gender.
With men, yes, I’m with you that it can just feel like really good sex. Both of those that I spend most of my time with are sadists so there’s lots of pleasure and lots of pain, all wrapped up into one lovely afternoon haha xx
I wanted in the beginning uk he dominated but after a few weeks felt that I would prefer to be the master and my husband to be the sub and that’s how we do it now
I agree I just cannot get enough and love to push it more and more and he loves it too
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I personally haven’t had much experience with it but would love to explore and think if it was me I’d just say up right to the other that I wanna try it out 
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@AJSTAR honesty is always the best policy. I remember way back when, I just said to hubby “I’m into BDSM”. It was more or less non-negotiable, kind of like “you can either be into it and with me, or you can not” 
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What does your aftercare look like with this? I feel like I need a cuddle just reading that lol
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