Bondage seems wrong to me

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hello all, my wife has recently told me that she loves bondage, but has kept it hidden because of her up bringing, she thought that it was bad/weird etc. when i asked her what in particular that she likes, she told me that it was being spanked / tied up / and being dominated.

now this is were the problem is i have always lived by the rule that man should never abuse a women physically or mentally in any shape or form.

and to me spanking or tieing her up even dominating her seems so wrong and like abuse to me i just cant seem to shift the idea from my head that if i was to carry out these acts on or for her that iam technically abuseing her. and cause of this i keep making excuses so i dont have to carry them out. now i would love to beable to do all the above things and give her a night to remember ( in a good way) but when ever i think about it them thoughts come flooding in.

so my question to anyone is has this happend to anyone else and can i have some advice on how to over come them

2

My advice would be don't make excuses. Tell her the truth and see what she says. Just sit down and talk to her about it.

I also thought this before me and my girlfriend tried, but as long as you know each others limits and stop if told to then it can be fun.

If she says she likes it then she won't feel as if you're "abusing" her or anything, since she's asking you to do it, I think you just need to talk to her and be reassured :)

3

I think that perhaps to some extent a lot of people feel like this. I went through a phase where I really wanted to be slapped around the face while having sex and I think my partner found this a bit difficult in the beginning.

The key to it all is communication and figuring out what is right for both of you. I'd suggest starting off slow and progressing only as far as you feel comfortable. It's likely that once you try some things, you might realise that you don't have as much of a problem with it as you thought before you'd tried it out. If you're getting positive reinforcement from your wife enjoying it, maybe you'll feel less like you're doing something wrong. I'd definitely recommend starting with something that won't hurt your wife - light spanking doesn't have to be done with the intention of causing pain, and could mean that you work up to stronger sensations if you both feel ready. Tying her up is also a great way to start because you can please her in the same ways that you usually would but with that element of domination there.

I guess it's just important to have a big discussion about it before trying anything to make sure you know where your wife's initial boundaries are - what she thinks she'd enjoy, whether there is anything she thinks she'd feel uncomfortable with - and then you'll be able to keep in mind that even though it may seem strange or unusual at first, it's something that she'll actually be finding pleasurable.

I would say that it's absolutely definitely in no way abuse if she is consenting to it though. I would hate for my partner to feel like he was in any way abusing me by doing things that turn me on, partly because I'd hate for him to feel bad about it, but also a bit because I'd hate for him to decide I couldn't consent to something I wanted to do.

It's a tricky situation but make sure to talk it out with your wife and see what you both feel comfortable trying :)

4

Completely agree with skitty here. Communication is the key.

Start off with something light, maybe get some bondage tape? It's really easy to use and only sticks to itself, not hair or anything, so you can't hurt each other with it unless you put it on too tight. It can be used for handcuffs etc.

As skitty said, talk about it first, then maybe look at a starter kit or something together, so you can choose what you feel comfortable with.

5

Tell her the truth, then maybe you can talk through it. The key with this sort of thing is it has to be consensual and that doesn't just mean the "sub" consents the "dom" has to consent as well. However if you talk it over, why you are uncomfortable and why she likes it maybe you can reach an understanding.

6

consent, communication, limitations and mutual respect

When these are all evident between partners then you way worlds apart from the realms of abuse where those four key elements are missing.

7

Skitty pretty much got it.

If it's consensual it is not abuse. If she asks for it (in actual words when sober and aware and consenting), it is not abuse.

Have a safe word. It's something most people associate with heavy bondage and BDSM, but for you it will probably be a good idea. Pick something obscure she would never normally say, and if she says it, you know to stop.
That way, abuse is avoided.

It is very much an upbringing thing, how you react and feel about bondage and impact play. You were conditioned to believe it is wrong, and were only ever exposed to it in an abusive context. To be frank, you can grow out of it with slow experimentation :)
Just go slow, see how you go, and stop if you don't like it.
Communication, as always, is key :)

8

My boyfriend was the same. We started with rope ties (although I'd recommend satin ones), blindfolds and ticklers. Use these sensuality to tease your wife with her senses cut off. You could also add a bullet vibrator into the mix. My boyfriend never had any problems with these, it was when it came to spanking me that he felt he shouldn't, but playing with these built trust and confidence between us, and also enabled him to see how much I enjoyed it, so he did after a while give it a go. He soon realised that he wasn't going to hurt me by accident, and says seeing how much I enjoyed it made him open to trying pretty much anything from then on! I hope this helps a little, and good luck!

9

I'm personaslly just not in to bondage at all. I've always seen sex as an act of love not pleasure, so i don't think i could ever get my head around dominating and so on. I used to be open to the idea, until a very abusive and controlling ex boyfriend made a lot of rape threats and used tieing me up as a way to force me into what iwouldn't do willingly, so now i wouldn't entertain the idea unless my current partner really loved it, but even then i don't think i'd be comfortable, its just not me, how i see sex, ro what i want.

10

I've thought about this sort of thing a fair bit, especially when it meant not going ahead with a relationship with someone I really cared for.

For me, BDSM is not sexual. Spanking is not a sexual act nor will it ever be one. I'm open-minded and experienced enough to know this about myself. Without a sexual element to it, all that's left to it is violence. Even it's not done with enough force to cause pain, it is still the physical act of hitting another person. It turns out I have a rock hard limit about any sort of violence in a sexual context. Humiliation too. I just cannot do it. My libido will head out of town and stay there for weeks. If I pushed myself too far in trying to engage in this sort of thing to please a partner it would very likely mean the end of the relationship for me because it would damage something inside myself.

It really doesn't matter how much a partner might want it or how many ways they try to make it a positive thing. I can't do it. I will never be able to do it and I don't want to become a person who hits another in any context. It is not sexual for me and without that it is simply violence.

11

I definitely understand what you mean. My boyfriend has hinted several times that he'd be into bondage (which I'm not fussed either way about) and a couple of times during sex he's asked me to put my hands around his throat which I am not comfortable with. I get the sense that he's into spanking/other things like that from odd comments he's made but I would not be okay doing it if he asked me.

I would say you shouldn't do anything you don't want to but if you're determined to try, definitely start off small. If you do end up finding out it isn't for you, be careful how you tell her. She seems a little ashamed from what you've said and you don't want to add to that. Gently explain that it's not something you're into but you're up for experimenting in other ways maybe

12

BDSM is NOT abuse in any way.

Both parties are consentual in the acts, there are rules and safeguards put into place, which should be discussed prior to any acts.

Spanking can be anything from mild to hard, a lot of men spank a woman's arse, during sex, there is no difference to that than spanking her arse, when not having sex. BDSM is something that doesn't have to involve intercourse, it's all about the control, lack of and the thrill.

13

Just to add, as an outsider who doesn't know the ins and outs, it may look a bit daunting to the person. But I have been in the scene for years and I love a good spanking, as well as wax play.

It really does heighten the sense in a way that I can not explain. BDSM doesn't have to be full out pain, there are levels to it. Some people prefer the extreme of blood/knife play, which I do not like myself. And others, who are like me, prefer the lighter side to it.

14

When my partner ties me up/blindfolds me or spanks me I couldn't/wouldn't ever see this as being abusive as its something I enjoy and brings my great pleasure.

15

Your scenario is more common than you'd think, as many men are raised with the same sort of principles drilled into them.

The question is do you really want to do this or not? Contrary to popular belief, BDSM does NOT have to part of a relationship. It is not the be all and end all or the only way to spice up your sex life. Just because you like something in particular in the bedroom (like spanking) doesn't mean you can't have a great sex life without it. Many couples have to compromise in this way.

As other have said, don't hide behind excuses. Just tell your partner why you have a problem with doing this to her. You are perfectly entitled to not want to do something you don't feel comfortable doing, and I'm sure she will be understanding if you expain where you are coming from.

It's totally up to you if you want to try to work through this issue. No one else. It is very possible to get past this type of thought and realise there is a difference between consensual play and abusing your partner, but only if you want to. Don't let yourself be forced into it!

By way of compromise, what about using something like this rope flogger? It literally does not hurt at all,l so you won't be doing any damage. My partner has hit me full force with this and he can't hurt me! It will give her the more psycologial aspect of being spanked while keeping you within your comfort zone of not hurting/abusing her. It could be a good first step towards seeing if you can or even want to go any further with spanking.

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=30728

Plus I know it sounds weird, but it can be helpful to build an assosiation that you are not abusing her because you are not using your hands to hit her. You are using a toy designed to spank her, which is very different to hitting her. If that make sense?

All in all have the conversation and see where it goes. Don't feel pressured into anything, make sure things progress at a pace you are comfortable with. Good luck!

16

Lovebirds_x wrote:

Your scenario is more common than you'd think, as many men are raised with the same sort of principles drilled into them.

The question is do you really want to do this or not? Contrary to popular belief, BDSM does NOT have to part of a relationship. It is not the be all and end all or the only way to spice up your sex life. Just because you like something in particular in the bedroom (like spanking) doesn't mean you can't have a great sex life without it. Many couples have to compromise in this way.

As other have said, don't hide behind excuses. Just tell your partner why you have a problem with doing this to her. You are perfectly entitled to not want to do something you don't feel comfortable doing, and I'm sure she will be understanding if you expain where you are coming from.

It's totally up to you if you want to try to work through this issue. No one else. It is very possible to get past this type of thought and realise there is a difference between consensual play and abusing your partner, but only if you want to. Don't let yourself be forced into it!

By way of compromise, what about using something like this rope flogger? It literally does not hurt at all,l so you won't be doing any damage. My partner has hit me full force with this and he can't hurt me! It will give her the more psycologial aspect of being spanked while keeping you within your comfort zone of not hurting/abusing her. It could be a good first step towards seeing if you can or even want to go any further with spanking.

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=30728

Plus I know it sounds weird, but it can be helpful to build an assosiation that you are not abusing her because you are not using your hands to hit her. You are using a toy designed to spank her, which is very different to hitting her. If that make sense?

All in all have the conversation and see where it goes. Don't feel pressured into anything, make sure things progress at a pace you are comfortable with. Good luck!

Sorry should have mentioned that we have talked at great lengths about it and it is indeed something that i want to try, i just cant get my head around the hitting/ tieing up etc..even if it is with a spanker designed for it, we have tried blind folding her and teasing her with toys etc which is fine has she is able to move her hands if need be

17

trust is key when it comes to bondage and be honest what you like and dont like always comunicate oh and safeword agree on a safe word so you know when enough is enough

18

You need to retrain your mind into the thinking of a BDSM way. For instance, it is not 'hitting' it is spanking'

19

As a guy who did have it drilled into his head from a young age that you must never raise you hand to a woman I know what you are feeling right now. When I first discovered BDSM in erotica form in my early teens the idea that you dont hit women was already well ingrained in my head. So when reading this stuff of women being spanked, caned and bound and all manner of other activities I had a serious crisis of conscince as to the fact that the idea was turning me a lot.

I have identified as a Dom since my late teens(when I first started implementing BDSM into my sex life) and in the time have done everything from light flogging to drawing blood and a whole lot in between. But I have never felt as though I was abusing a woman or sub, It helped me a lot to look at it in the sense of that I was giving them what they wanted and if in doubt that I was not there was always a safeword that they could use in order to let me know that.

BDSM isn't about abuse, though I know how that can look from the outside to a lot of people, those within the community will all tell you that it's not what it looks like. It is all about control or the lack thereof, trust and consent. One way I would recommend starting to help get your head around the idea would be to forget the spanking. Instead use a simple form a bondage like some shackles or cuffs and partake in some orgasm denial with your partner, build her up slowly, get her close to orgasm and then stop. Focus your attention somehwere else and then return shortly after and repeat the process, it is up to you how long this lasts and she is at your whim. You could make her ask for it, beg or whatever just use your imagination.

There is no pain greater than the need for release, especially when you have no control over it. If you can get your head around that little game, the feeling of control over your partners pain or pleasure then you will be more than a step but a leap forward in being able to raise your hand in love for your woman.

20

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I can see where everyone is coming from on this thread. I was in a previous emotionally abusive relationship, many, many years ago, which totally screwed up my head. (He was very controlling in all the wrong sorts of ways!) He was also my first love, and I was a total mess, and felt like I was not worthy of anything good and felt as though I did not deserve happiness. Then I met the wonderful Mr Scorpius, and he helped me get through this with his patience and love, and now I am so happy and realise that I do deserve good things!

We are in a loving Dom/sub relationship; it takes a huge amount of trust from both partners when you are tied up or in a vulnerable position, but in NO WAY is there any abuse involved. A true D/s relationship is about giving the other person what they want and desire. For one it will be the Dominance, the control, the power – for the other it’s the submission, the freedom and ability to completely let go of yourself and put yourself in the hands of that one person that you most trust. This can be sexual or not. D/s could include a subtle power exchange such as one partner being blindfolded, and not being able to tell what is going to happen next – or being tied up (physically with cuffs or rope etc, or mentally – being instructed ‘not to move’) while some erotic experience is played out. Its not necessarily about pain at all.

For my Husband and I, the D/s part of our relationship just feels ‘natural’ – just part of ‘us’. It goes beyond the bedroom for me – my Husband will look after me in other ways, like making sure that I take care of myself e.g. Eating properly (a virtually resolved but lingering issue from a previous relationship). I couldn’t wish to be more loved or cared for.

My Husband doesn’t spank or flog me as an act of violence, or aggression – he does so because I want him too, it turns me on and the sensations I get feel amazing. I understand that D/s is not for everyone, but for me it is a wonderful experience.

You really need to communicate with your partner, and discuss exactly what you both like and dislike like before you start any type of BDSM play. It may be useful going through a simple check list of things that you are both happy with and you can include talking/not-talking, different types of bondage and scenarios etc. Then when you have this information and know your hard limits you can decide how the scene will go. This won't all happen overnight. It takes a long time and a lot of honest communication to work out exactly what you both want and need.

The most important thing is that your partner feels safe, and make sure you have safe words in place (or a signal if she is gagged) so that you know when to stop and check she is ok. Safe words don’t mean that you don’t trust your partner. They are there to protect you both on a physical and emotional level.

I don't have to use safewords normally, as Mr Scorpius can read me very well, but we do have the traffic light system in place, if I feel I need to. GREEN to let my Mr Scorpius know that I am comfortable to continue - especially during a new activity or something that is more daring.

AMBER means ‘slow down’ or ‘I’m close to my limit’ and RED means ‘all play stops immediately’. If I am wearing a gag, then I either bang my hand on the bed or click my fingers to alert him. You can also hold a squeaky toy or a bell too.

The most important thing is that you feel safe. Honest communication between the Dom and sub will help you both to understand your fantasies, boundaries, fears & desires. Know each other’s limits and always respect them.

I get a buzz (during and afterwards) of pushing myself and experiencing things that I would not necessarily choose myself, but secretly fantasise about.

Whatever you do, it should always be Safe, Sane & Consensual :) x