@Mrs.John . I hope you both get great benefit from the session.
Im sure the therapist will say the same, but talk and “listen” to each others views.
I think you can see from the number of responses, that we are all rooting for you both.X
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Hey @Mrs.John
I really feel for you - you are doing amazingly well in the way you are talking about this.
Let’s face it, the last few years have been totally debilitating.
I put on a ton of weight in COVID, which I’ve now managed to shed a good percentage of. I did terribly at work and got into all sorts of funks. My wife too.
We got into therapy together and it’s done us the world of good.
Our sex life had disappeared and now it’s very much alive and joyful.
Marriage is a shared journey and it’s not always an easy one.
If you have been having a difficult time, he has a responsibility to support you through it.
Nobody has to stay together, but I think marriage is a very fluid state of living, with different ‘seasons’.
I hope you guys get through this season together, but at least in a therapy situation, it will reveal what you both really want out of life. Sadly it may not be the same thing anymore, but you never know.
Good luck on the path and stay true to yourself.
So lovely to see how so many anonymous forum members really genuinely care about you.
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A guy i used to work with felt the same for his wife and pretty much did the same and told her outright. While there’s a part of me appreciates the honesty, it’s still brutal. I’ve had times when i thought that my wife is no longer the person i married, but I’ve always come round in the end and realised what I’d be losing. Love isn’t an emotion. Love is a promise…
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Tonsillitis is starting to clear up now thanks to the antibiotics - I can see the back of my throat again!!! 
Antidepressant pills I’ve not noticed much difference as yet so also a positive but I do think this week with everything I’ve been feeling rather sad inside…
How’s you doing?
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@AJSTAR I am all good apart from the obvious but I will know what we will be tomorrow afternoon meeting the surgeon, strange thing is that everyone else is making excuses for them not being able to focus on what they need to do, but I am making sure that I am thinking about my work where I need to be next in the country etc ! I am not evading it I have enough reminders through the day of family and friends asking me how I am doing 
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@Mrs.John im SO sorry to hear that
I can’t believe how he could feel like with the amazing sex life you have! I hope you manage to sort it out & get things back on track 
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@FD1 sex ain’t everything (apparently) 
there are lots of unhealthy dynamics in our relationship that need addressing.
Hopefully we can do that and start a new chapter together.
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@Mrs.John Wishing you the best in luck in working things out.
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Sending you positive vibes…you are doing great with the right attitude.
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Many thanks @Iwill its not in my skill set to do the operation that’s down to the professionals so as far as I can see not for me to worry about todays the day I find out about when it will happen . 
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Having read through the comments @Mrs.John there’s so much i want to say but i can’t/dare’nt in case it gets taken offence to, to say some of Mr Johns reasons have irked me somewhat is putting it mildly, no i know i don’t know the full story but from your comments i think i get the picture and his reasons do appear (to me) to be a little narcissistic. Do not blame yourself in this,i would love to have the kind of sex life (with Mrs Pootle) that you have been leading and I’m struggling to understand why he wants to throw it (and your many years together)away.
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@pootle I understand and you are only getting my side of things.
Ive avoided sharing some things that have led to this.
I have never physically rejected him but I know I have emotionally.
He suggests we have a weekend away or even a night out and I feel terror (yes full blown terror). I have to leave my safety bubble and ask someone to look after our Son. So I just fob him off.
Literally the only thing we do as a couple besides sex is a coffee in a crappy cafe once a fortnight while we wait for our son to finish an activity.
I have no idea how this started.
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You will be a rollercoaster for a while with your emotions, you will have all sorts going on for you, vulnerability and fear, Little MrsJohn will be kicking and screaming inside.
However, it does sound like you are having good conversations with your husband, and both are looking to achieve the same goal.
You cannot do that for him, unfortunately, even with help. Only he can look at what’s going/gone on for him, what has changed, and why that might be.
When you think about it, that is a very broad statement isn’t it?
Just a note on that side. Don’t rush into signing up with the first counsellor you speak with. Arrange an initial meeting and see how you both feel. The connection in the room for both of you is important. You both should feel safe and that you are being heard and understood. Also make sure you’re comfortable with how the therapist likes to work too. There are of course different accreditations to look for (BACP and NCS to name two), but there are also good counsellors that are not accredited (it can be a bit of a minefield).
It’s been lovely reading some of the replies above around others journeys. @Mrs.John it really seems like you both have so much there as foundations to move forward, and I am sure whichever direction you both go, it will be the one that is right for you both.
From what I gather you are both talking openly, sex has not been an issue, and maybe just fallen out of sync.
Hoping things start to feel a little more settled for you.
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@Mrs.John forgive me but is there an emotional connection when you have sex or are you just “going through the motions” for him? Also you have a fear of leaving your safety bubble,were you like this pre lockdown?
I know from experience that seemingly being shunned has a big impact on self esteem as i am living that life and as much as i love Mrs Pootle i do have feelings of resentment at times from lack of intimacy let alone sex.
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I think a lot of this kind of thing will be clearer with counselling, and this ties back into one of your earlier comments quite nicely. In Mrs.Johns world, you express your love and passion through sexual intimacy (just as I do in fact).
Where as Mr.Johns world, he sees that as different in his world view. My OH is the same, she see’s holding hands and cuddling on the sofa as an expression of love. I personally hate holding hands (it comes back to how I walk and past partners wanting to hold hands - its harder for me to balance), and it does nothing for me.
We all have our own experiences, beliefs and ways of doing things, and often forget it is different for others.
Counselling, whether as a couple or individual (or even both), will help you to understand what’s going on around the terrors and other matters. It will feel like a roller coaster, plenty of ups and downs, but I have to say from a personal experience my journey of self discovery and working on my own personal issues has been very rewarding.
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Very true sex isn’t everything, but quite often enough it’s what can cause issues. I really hope you get everything sorted & your relationship can get passed this bump in the road
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Oh @Mrs.John, my heart really does go out to you. Many years ago, I was where you are now, and everything I try to write just sounds like a platitude, and it isn’t meant to be.
Easy to do and not easy to spot. Don’t beat yourself up about this. It has happened, but you both need to look forwards.
The question is (and don’t feel the need to answer publicly - this is just for you to think about) do you know why you emotionally rejected him? Look at things like how often? Is it long-term or even permanent? Is it anything to do with him, or is it to do with you? You can’t really go about trying to resolve something like that without understanding it. Probably a lot of soul-searching and thinking to be done, not easy in these circumstances.
I remember this all too well. There are no easy fixes I’m afraid. The question is (and again, for you, not for a public answer) what the terror is all about? For example, if a girlfriend offered the same thing, would you feel the same? If it isn’t about him, is there perhaps a restaurant you would feel less nervous about going to, or a country pub for Sunday lunch, or a favourite bar, or bowling? Anything really. Think laterally.
Again, thinking laterally, to get things moving, how about country walks, or coastal walks, or something like that? Is there anything to be anxious about in that? I think, fundamentally, instead of having to keep saying no to him (and therefore potentially making him feel spurned again), take control of the situation and work out something you can do, and suggest that. Be honest as to why, and I hope he’d appreciate both the honesty and the suggestion. After all, it isn’t really about what you do, more that you are doing something at all.
It doesn’t really start at all. It just drifts in on the wind, and suddenly you’re knee deep and drowning. Often day-to-day survival overrides longer term self-awareness, and this is the result. It is hard @Mrs.John. I hate all that self-reflection crap, but it is necessary, and only when me and my husband did that (long before we were married) did we actually become the couple we are now.
Sounds like there is hope. Sounds like there are green shoots. All you need to work out is how you can grab them, how you can make the best of them.
Much love xxx
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@Mrs.John Go girl 
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@KinkyMira something a bit traumatic happened to me 5 years ago that knocked my confidence and self-worth. I just plowed on and didnt heal.
Before lockdown my Son stayed with my parents every other Saturday overnight, we went out or had a planned evening in or with friends.
When we came out of lockdown our Son was too old for all that every weekend, too young to be left alone so it all stopped and we made less effort.
As above if Mr John tried to suggest anything I stone walled him.
Ive opened up in the last few days with people about the traumatic event that I’ve been hiding. I tell my best friend tonight. I feel better for it.
Mr John has been texting me today in work (we dont normally) not reading anything into it but its nice.
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@Mrs.John Sorry to hear about what you are going through . I have read through every reply and I think everybody was hugging you through the internet from around the globe . As a long time anxiety sufferer along with my PTSD I feel for you about leaving your house for some fun . My wife had this to some degree for many years , but with her disabilities it has gotten much worse . As I have recommended in several threads here at LH , I get the most relief from listening to a subliminal program . Tried medications , but every one had one side effect or another . If you are interested , search success world . Then the program I use is Relieve Stress and Anxiety . $20 US for download or a CD . I have been using it so long I have the cassette tape ! I also have a CD . It is meant to listen to with headphones or ear buds . Best when in bed or recliner while the house is quiet . I hope your counseling goes well . Hugs from afar .
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