We have been together for 6 years now. We very much enjoy each others company and sharing our time with each other.
I guess like most couples we have our ups and downs (mainly ups I’m pleased to say) however there is one thing we keep struggling to talk about……sex.
I (27 M - a virgin when we first met at 21) am very much into sex and enjoy it. I enjoy trying new things and have a pretty kinky side. S (26 F) is very much reserved. Likes the same kind of vanilla sex almost scheduled to the same place and same time. The same positions in the same order every time. We have tried to talk about it but S does not even like to say the word “Sex” or talk about anything to do with it. This obviously makes it hard to get over obstacles if we cannot even talk to each other about it.
I completely understand how a relationship work and am not asking her to change just for me. But I also know that we both need to compromise ever now and again. However this rarely seems to happen. We never used to be like this but it seems as time goes on the sexual side of our relationship diminishes more and more.
Just after chatting about it and any advice people may have or may have previously been in the same situation and “resolved it” thanks guys. Sorry for the essay.
Hey so first of all I totally see how this has been tricky for you as yes some people just don’t have the same sex drive as others, I’d suggest maybe trying to be spontaneous and throw in a new sex position to see how she likes it or even buy her a toy to just experiment by herself and then maybe this will intrigue her to wanting to try more things and be adventurous…
I don’t think you can anticipate things to change instantly.
I would recommend making a gradual introduction of any new things, focusing on enhancing the experience for both of you but especially her.
Weekends away are a great opportunity to explore new experiences and mix thing up. Or even a special “date night” at home.
Also perhaps browsing Lovehoney together for a new toy or piece of clothing. The experience of selecting together the anticipation of it arriving and then using it for the first time. I have found this increases our communication and is a great way to try new things together.
Finally you could try mixing it up with some games. For example we have each written down a list of “out of the ordinary sex type mild fantasies” on paper, folded over and placed in a jar. We then take turns every week to select one and commit to being open minded when giving it a go.
This might sound silly but some people just don’t like talking about sex in person maybe try texting her about it, she might feel more comfortable talking to you that way than face to face. Even if your across The room from each other.
A tricky dilemma but some good advice here. I agree that gradually introducing some spontaneity helps. I quite often buy my OH some new lingerie or a new toy.
Although it might sound cheeky and a bit of a white lie, you could play the whole “I bought some lingerie, but they threw in this free sex toy” card.
Might make you feel better introducing it to the bedroom, by making it more of an ‘accident’? I was fortunate by partner already had toys when we met, so was never too difficult.
Bottom line is, sex is different for different people. Although you shouldn’t expect her to change, ask yourself what the minimum is you’d be happy with I guess?
There are some great podcasts that talk about these things. Sex therapist that talk through these challenges that couples have. Especially women who have a hard time with sex and talking about it.
Exactly this!
Worked really well for us when started exploring.
Now use the same LH login so that can add things to the wish list and talk about later/buy/surprise each other
@Sensualcouple2016 Sorry this is long… I was there with my husband recently. We were each others firsts as well. We were really sexually active early in our relationship (we’ve been together about 15 years), then things slowed down, and we had sex less and talked about sex even less. We’ve always had really good open and honest communication, just sex talk became really awkward. When we did have sex, it was doggy or missionary, and I was too embarrassed to say if I wanted something else. He used to talk dirty to me when we were dating, but he’s gotten really shy about anything sexual and gets really embarrassed. When we were having sex less, he started having some performance anxiety issues which made him even more self conscious. He’s gotten a little better the past couple months (talking about sexual things), but he’s still pretty shy to talk about sex except for when we’re actually having sex.
It helps to browse the LH site together and talk about different toys. It made it easier for him to talk about things because it was almost like he was removed from it or he was just talking about facts about the toys rather than his own sexual desires. I send him links to different products so he can check them out at his own pace without feeling the pressure of me sitting next to him watching his reactions. Maybe buy her some new lingerie. I feel extra sexy when I’m in lingerie, and when he’s ogling me, it turns me on even more. Maybe take things slower before sex, draw out foreplay to really get her feeling good and set a really intimate mood. If you think she wouldn’t like sex games, maybe try the oral sex dice or foreplay dice sets to help with introducing some new things.
Does she know you’re on the forum? I like to bring up things people write on the forum because it’s not you bringing it up, it’s someone else bringing it up, and you’re just commenting on it. ”Oh, someone on the forum did [xxx] for the first time with their partner and really liked it. That would be really fun to try.” “This person just got the [whatever] toy and really likes the [whatever] function on it. Doesn’t that sound kinda interesting?” I seriously do this all the time to bring things up that he would definitely not want to talk about if I just said “Tell me what you think about [xxx].” He doesn’t really like to read posts on the forum, but he’ll read one here and there if I ask him to if I think it’s relevant to him. He’s now read a couple threads about edging. We also regularly check out the positions of the week thread to find new positions to try. Some of them have been total failures for us, but some are now our favorites!
When I was listening through all the sexual happiness podcast episodes, I sent him a couple to listen to on his own that I thought he’d find interesting or helpful. Any that I thought he wouldn’t listen to, but I just wanted him to hear part of it, I’d coincidentally play it when he’d be around to overhear it, and then pause it and ask what he thought about it. Now he likes the podcast and is going back through and listening through some of them on his own.
It’s easier for us to talk about sex these days, but he’s still shy about it. Everyone is different and has their own pace I guess. Even though I’ve gotten pretty bold and blunt when I have something to say about sex and sex toys, there are some things I still get embarrassed to tell him Hope you’ll be able to tactfully broach sex talk with her and slowly start spicing things up a bit
Hope you’ll be able to tactfully broach sex talk with her and slowly start spicing things up a bit 