I spent yesterday searching for our dog but the fecker has disappeared. When I finally came home the wife said that I should look harder, well how grateful is that!!
So I shaved my head and got a couple of tattoo’s…didn’t help!!
10 Likes
Just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear, this can only mean one thing…
She’s behind with the washing again!
12 Likes
When I was younger, I walked in on my parents having sex…
It was the most embarrassing 40 minutes of my life!
5 Likes
My wife said, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
“An excellent question,” I said. “But next time, please use the buzzer!”
4 Likes
Clubbers in Leeds have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstacy directly into their mouths.
This dangerous process is known as 'E by Gum 
8 Likes
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t hear an enzyme.
4 Likes
A man walks up to a woman in a nightclub and says, “Hi, the name’s Bond.”
She says, “Don’t tell me - your first name’s James?”
“No,” he replies. “It’s Uni - I’m here to fill your crack!”
7 Likes
I’ve been to have my eyes tested this afternoon and the optician said "you’ll have to stop wanking. "
I said “why, will it make me go blind?”
He said “No, but it’s upsetting everybody in the waiting room”.
8 Likes
(post withdrawn by author, will be automatically deleted in 24 hours unless flagged)
1 Like
(post withdrawn by author, will be automatically deleted in 24 hours unless flagged)
1 Like
I’ve just had an email from a guy in Africa, and he says if I don’t pay him £1650 by bitcoin he will send all my contacts a video of me wanking to porn…
So if I was you, I’d get the popcorn out you’re in for a treat!
8 Likes
Top Tip for all the cooks out there, to avoid tears when chopping onions, don’t get emotionally attached to them.
8 Likes
When I heard you could do sperm donations by post I came in a jiffy!
8 Likes
Or get somebody else to chop them.
2 Likes
My husband had been telling me the same joke from his days in the forces since I was 15. Every time I’m sad he says it to make me laugh and to be honest it’s rubbish really so here goes…
2 monkeys in an airing cupboard. How do you know which is in the army?
The one sat on the tank. 
9 Likes
That’s like the one my grandad used to tell “two goldfish in an airing cupboard, one says to other how do you drive this tank” now that’s multi layered 
8 Likes
A post was merged into an existing topic: Memes
Interesting fact-Every human being starts out in life being an arsehole,it’s the first part of the body to develop in the womb…obviously some people go through life under-developed!
8 Likes
One day, my ex was trying to be sexy for me. I came up the stairs to find her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.
Then she slipped it up her fanny…
I said, “Careful with that, love. You’ll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!”
8 Likes
Today I learned that if you’re in a canoe and it flips over in the water…
you can safely wear it on your head because it’s capsized.
Bonus punchlines
I bet you didn’t sea that coming.
If you didn’t, don’t worry a-boat it.
8 Likes