Absolutely fuming. A bloke just approached me and tried to flog me the Covid vaccine, £2 each or 3 for a Pfizer.
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I was out for a nice stroll with my wife when we walked passed this fancy restaurant “oh my god that smells so good” she said. Me being the nice guy that I am I thought I’d treat her…
So we walked passed again
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June 2021, there’s a new pandemic.
Agoraphobia !
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Just got back from Blackpool, never again…On the seafront I saw a guy and a woman having a shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head and then it all kicked off. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts belting the guy with his baton…in the end the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him and his wife with it! Final straw was when this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!
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What can i say, standard day in blackpool. At least a baby wasnt involved this time
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William Shatner, aka Captain Kirk of Star Trek fame, has announced that his new line in ladies underwear has been a resounding failure. He said, in hindsight " Shatner Knickers " maybe wasnt the the best name for the venture !
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I told my doctor that I have a problem with my left ear.
He asked, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah”, I replied, “I’m definite!”
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I think it’s time for me to share something that will turn Dad Joke upside down…
DⱯD ՂOKE
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I confess it’s taken me 3 days to get this 
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I have come to the conclusion that Google is useless.
I have been searching for Lighters and it found 5,647 matches instead.
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Did you know that while Alan Turing was cracking codes in WW2, his sister Kay was providing drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues.
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I have a job stacking shelves in the fabric softener aisle of my local supermarket.
They’ve just moved me to wines and spirits and now I feel like I’m out of my comfort zone.
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Baker: Scones, 2 for £1. Get 'em while they’re hot!
Customer: How much is one scone?
Baker: 70p for one.
Customer: Ok, I’ll have the other one then.
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A local man has been admitted to hospital with a golf ball lodged in his arse.
A spokesperson said "It’s gone up a fairway’.
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I made a music playlist for when I go hiking. It has songs from Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix!
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I’ve just made a new belt completely out of watches.
It doesn’t keep my trousers up so I think it was a waist of time.
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I have a dog called Minton who has a naughty habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton!
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What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber 
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Try this puzzle…its amazing!!! This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Star Wars…Not sure how it knows but it IS my absolute fave film…it does work!!!
Pick a number between 1 & 9
Multiply it by 3
Add 3 to that number
Multiply again by 3
Add the two digits together and see results below:
3. Oliver Twist
4. Star Wars
5. Goodfellas
6. Saving Private Ryan
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats and Leather-Clad, Oiled-Up Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins
See…it’s spot on!!!
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