I just got arrested for killing a bloke with sandpaper, i only meant to rough him up a bit.
10 Likes
Ive just been done for throwing a bottle of domestos at the cops
They have charged me with bleach of the Police
8 Likes
Want to hear a joke about construction???
Nevermind, it’s not finished yet.
BA DUM BA!
9 Likes
I’m playing Scrabble and i’m down to OVNR, but it means nothing to me.
4 Likes
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it’s tearable.
6 Likes
Why did the sand 
blush?
Summary
Because the seaweed
3 Likes
What did the farmer say after losing his chicken?
“Where’s my chicken?”
6 Likes
I just ate a frozen apple.
Hardcore
9 Likes
I asked my hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.
She said “No, but I once gave a duck a bath.”
13 Likes
My Grandad used to say;
“As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker…
16 Likes
Scotsman English man and Irish man in the pub
Scotsman says I’m just gutted I found 2 empty whisky bottles in my daughters bedroom I can’t believe it I didn’t know she drank
English man says I’m gutted too I found empty cigarette packs and lighters in my daughters room and I’m gutted I didn’t know she smokes
Irish man says we’ll be Jesus guys I too am gutted I found empty condom wrappers in my daughters room Im gutted I didn’t even know she had a c@ck 
14 Likes
I bought a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett, while my friend purchased a signed photo of Ronnie Barker
It was a good buy from me,
and a good buy from him.
13 Likes
I bought some shoes off a drug dealer today. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
Thank you.
I’m here all week.
17 Likes
Just watched a really interesting documentary on beavers.
Best dam programme I’ve ever seen.
9 Likes
Now and again I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
10 Likes
This is true…
Back in August I was on zoom, chatting with friends of mine - a lesbian couple. “What d’ye think of this new ‘Eat Out To Help Out’ scheme?” I asked.
“Not much,” they said, “…we were doing that already!”
4 Likes
Whilst out walking today I spotted a couple of birds stuck together.
Turns out they were vel-crows.
10 Likes
Which flowers can you get at LoveHoney 
Daffadildos
5 Likes
How does Jesus get his shopping delivered?
On a Lidl donkey.
6 Likes
Love the Two Ronnies @Blonde_Bunny, they were the best 
3 Likes