Hi all. I went to a works night out and started talking to a woman from my office. At work we smile when we pass but as we work in different departments we have never spoken to each other before. We were both drunk and although we had been talking about our partners and families, our conversation quickly turned and we found out that we both have a secret love of porn. We spoke for hours about our preferences and even about masturbating at work. Anyway, we have since started sending each other sexually explicit messages and I mean toe curling stuff. I love my wife and would never dream of cheating on her but there is something about the written words that turns me on. I know that what i am doing is wrong because i feel guilty about doing it but i have quickly become addicted to these messages. I still do not speak to the woman at work and no one would ever know about the messages. I suppose my question is am i cheating on my partner by sending these messages? Thanks. P.s. I love you guys and having a forum loke this to sound off on is amazing. 💖
Of course it's cheating youre bein emotionally sexually intimate with someone other than your wife, i'd leave a relationship over this.
Defo classed as cheating and I'd also leave a relationship over this
Of course you're right. Cheating is cheating in any form.
I agree with the others above me. If your wife was doing this with someone at work, how would you feel?
If you wouldn’t want your wife to do the same thing or if you know she wouldn’t be fine with the messages you’ve been sending, it’s cheating.
In short if you wouldn't want the Mrs to see the content of the messages yes it's wrong. I totally understand that these messages are exciting, if your wife was to see them think of the damage that would be done to your family as well as your relationship. All for what a bit of a confidence kick and the thrill of a naughty message. For this to have started is there something lacking in your relationship? Over the years I have had several men (ones I know and ones I dont) contact me on various social media trying to instigate this kind of relationship. As flattering as it is I have always politely made it clear I'm not interested. I think you know you have to shut this down.
I feel like everyone has covered it pretty well above. Its cheating in our books.
Poor behaviour that your wife would be pissed about? Yes. Cheating? In my opinion, no. Whilst I’m not condoning what you are doing, personally I just don’t see this non-physical type of behaviour in the same light as actually having extra-marital sex, that is what I would class as cheating. Would I be mad if I caught my husband doing this? Yes I would. Would I put it on a par with finding out he had actual sex with someone? No, nor would I leave him over it. I guess the key thing here is that if you know you feel guilty about it, whether you class it as actual ‘cheating’ or not, you already know you should stop it. How exactly you can extract yourself from what you are doing, well that might be tricky depending on how your colleague feels about what you are doing together. If you find you enjoy the written word, can you not approach your wife about sending each other explicit messages? Ok, might not be as exciting as with someone you are not as familiar with, and therefore lack the naughtiness factor, but surely worth a shot?
Flirting on the outside is fine as long as you are the type of person and your partner knows thats you, As soon as you are hiding it then its not something harmless.
I have just been through someting that didn't involve naked pictures or anything I found out my girlfriend was chatting to some guys and sending pictures of herself saying she was single. That is not ok with me saying she was single and the pictures she sent were originally taken for me so that hurt me.
Sending explicit messages is disrespectful tell your wife and see what she has to say.
Cheating I don't know if you would class it as that but this is when it can go downhill with trust, I trusted my girlfriend I loved it when she would come home saying someone was flirting with her when she was out, I don't think so now it's messed things up.
Thanks guys. I know it was wrong and all of the things you say are true. I never wanted to be with her or said that i would like to do things with her (i know that isnt any better). I have deleted her contact details and blocked her on all social media. As for work, she is a senior manager on a different department who has had no need to speak to me in 2 years, hopefully that wont change. I am not missing anything at home, and i was stupid to send those messages. Not something that i will be doing again.
Crushty - wish I could LIKE that last post. We all do stupid stuff sometimes. You sound like a good guy who just got carried away. I have seen a situation like yours (but lasted longer) ruin a marriage as the wife saw messages. Thanks for the update 😋
Another who has recently been through it and it’s caused me so much distress I tried to take my life and ended up in hospital & they weren’t sure if I would pull through. I still have nightmares where my husband (we are in thearpy trying to work through it) breaks his heart never knowing if to wake me up from the uncontrollable sobbing or to try and hold me through it. No one could ever have imagine my H would do it, I would of bet absolutely anything on him not doing that. It wasn’t just the explicit messages, they started off like that then he believed he was in love with her (both of us) he now says he has no idea what was happening in his head. For all he knows it could of been a bloke having a laugh. As others have said and you yourself people do make mistakes but from a betrayed spouse I really wish he would of told me rather than me find out. For me, if he had realised / got his wake up call etc ended it and then told me, I would of believed him easier when he says he wants nothing to do with her. That’s something only you can decide though?
@ Fun&Funky So sorry to hear what you have gone through, Hope you get through it big hugs xx With me I stopped eating and I'm still trying to get my weight back on, my girlfriend won't even admit what she had done she said it's not true that she said she was single or sent pictures, Ive seen the conversations she had its true. I would of never thought she would do that, she doesn't really use the Internet but there she was on a chat room and exchanging emails.
While I deffo agree this is a form of cheating it has a grey area. Everyone likes to be flirted with, its a complement and makes you feel sexy. The true test is if you'd go through with it.
I had to very quickly adapt to a similar situation when the Mrs got a bar job in the local, The sexual innuendos / comments I heard when I was there... I can only imagine what it was like when I wasnt >.< She kept my reassurance up by telling me it was all in with the job and no matter what she'd always end up home after work.
Its similar in a round about sort of way >.< but good job on cutting her off.
Cheating is the act of breaking the rules of the relationship. Those rules are different for each relationship e.g. some people are in an open relationship, so sleeping with others would not be deemed as cheating. You have to ask yourself if your wife saw those messages would there be an issue with it, would she feel hurt and betrayed?
If so, it would be cheating.
Fun&funky. I'm really sorry to hear what you have been through. I knew I was in the wrong and although it doesn't take away the fact that I did it, it lasted less than a week and I have stopped it. I have never nor would I ever consider physically cheating on my wife. I realise after posting this that what I have done would definitely be seen as a betrayal of my wife's trust. I will never engage with another woman in this way again.Fun&Funky wrote:
Another who has recently been through it and it’s caused me so much distress I tried to take my life and ended up in hospital & they weren’t sure if I would pull through. I still have nightmares where my husband (we are in thearpy trying to work through it) breaks his heart never knowing if to wake me up from the uncontrollable sobbing or to try and hold me through it. No one could ever have imagine my H would do it, I would of bet absolutely anything on him not doing that. It wasn’t just the explicit messages, they started off like that then he believed he was in love with her (both of us) he now says he has no idea what was happening in his head. For all he knows it could of been a bloke having a laugh. As others have said and you yourself people do make mistakes but from a betrayed spouse I really wish he would of told me rather than me find out. For me, if he had realised / got his wake up call etc ended it and then told me, I would of believed him easier when he says he wants nothing to do with her. That’s something only you can decide though?
Also sorry to hear about that Justthe2ofus.
You see I'm a a relaxed guy I have no problem with my girlfriend chatting to men and flirting, even when a guy she knew ages ago messged her I told her to get back in touch with him even though she said he was always asking her out, but now things have changed so much for me I couldn't do that now not so soon after what has gone on this year with my girlfriend
@ Trine The bar situation would of never worried me I would of been asking my girlfriend all the things people ask her, but No Way could I handle that now, as I would be paranoid.
I don't even know at the moment what is going to happen with my relationship as I'm not the person I was because of this, We have such great fun with the sexual side exploring things and I feel she is my better/more than a best mate so i can tell her my naughty secrets. We have fun as any normal couple would but this has messed things up.
I do believe she wouldn't do anything but saying she was single and sending pictures that was non nude but just taken for me well that is what has hurt me.
@ crusty. My H did it for 6 months. We now know he was actually in the middle of having a breakdown. He also never did anything physical (well not with her if that makes sense) I’m glad you came to your senses. It’s hard I know and I’m so glad your realised sooner. Hope your doing ok as if you are anything like my hubby you will be beating yourself up. @ teacake, in that sense I’m lucky he admitted everything straight away gave me the log in details of their secret email etc. - that’s the one thing I wish he hadn’t done. - the trust is so hard to rebuild isn’t it.
Yes Fun@Funky its the trust I see her on her phone and i'm thinking to myself who is she talking to.., What a great husband you have the after bit i mean him admitting it and him giving you the logging details.