I have full access to his technology etc but there is always a nagging doubt. That he’s made another secret emails etc. are u guys having any sort of counselling? very well recommended it. Its bloody hard work but guessing it will be worth it
No she doesn't want to do counselling she is not that kind of person, When ever I bring it up she goes off on one making me feel I'm in the wrong because she is still saying it's not true.
She is going through pain issues so it's not easy at the moment to have a conversation without her getting angry and upset.
teacake wrote:
No she doesn't want to do counselling she is not that kind of person, When ever I bring it up she goes off on one making me feel I'm in the wrong because she is still saying it's not true.
She is going through pain issues so it's not easy at the moment to have a conversation without her getting angry and upset.
My warning klaxon is going off big time. Trying to blame you for the results of her behaviour is classic abusive behaviour.
I've been there. Got that very t-shirt. Took me ages to understand what was going on and to realise what my then partner was, and then to get out.
I’m in agreement with KinkyMarie hun, I too have chronic pain, evennto the point of being on morphine etc. it does make tempers a bit easier to flare but she is in classic denial.
we both read a few good books one was something like how to help your partner heal after an affair. Another was called after the affair. I also found a great speaker very randomly on you tube called Esther Perel.
I’m not sure how long the messages were happening for but his was over 6 months. Some ppl say it’s not an affair because there was no physical sex / kiss / meet etc. however one of Esther sayings is “affairs in the digital age is like death by a thousand cuts”
Hope you can get to the bottom of it and work through.@ KinkyMira Fun&Funky I understand what you are both saying maybe i'm blinded because we get on so well with us exploring each others sexual tastes.
Sometimes she has me believing that it's not true because of how she gets very defensive about it saying its a lie and the people are just causing trouble, But I know for a fact its not a lie as I have seen the conversations.
I keep thinking she will come clean but so far she doesn't want to admit it.
Thank You Both
Fun&Funky Of course i'm not happy you have chronic pain but i'm happy to know you have so I can ask you something, I have been thinking with my girlfriend the pain is getting to much for her and this could be causing her to do things she wouldn't normally do does this sound plausible? She had been visiting depression chatrooms and it's all started from there she was never a person to go online and chat to people, she doesn't even do facebook or anything like that.
The doctor has said about antidepressants but she won't go on them, she has had so many steroid injections that she is not allowed to have any more, they never helped.
I try to help her but now it's come to where she is saying i'm trying to control her in anything I say.
Hello teacake, I'm sorry but there are a few more warning klaxons in that last email.
"Sometimes she has me believing that it's not true because of how she gets very defensive about it saying its a lie and the people are just causing trouble, But I know for a fact its not a lie as I have seen the conversations." Classic abuse tactic I'm afraid. Deny the truth no matter what. It makes the poor victim keep questioning themselves (as you are). It is called "Crazy Making" and there is loads of stuff online about it.
"I keep thinking she will come clean but so far she doesn't want to admit it." Why should she admit it? What does she have to gain by admitting it?
"I try to help her but now it's come to where she is saying i'm trying to control her in anything I say." Another classic abuse tactic. Say your victim is trying to do to the abuser what the abuser is trying to do to the victim.
Actually, I'm in chronic pain too. There are a lot of us around. I have been so since I was 10. She may well have unbearable pain, and that is awful, and anti-depressants did nothing for me. However.....
Chronic pain is no excuse for being abusive. It just isn't.
I am so sorry for what you are going through teacake, I hope that this helps you to see what is going on. It is clear to me from your posts that it is having a bad effect on your mental health, so please be careful my friend. We're always here to help you xx
Thanks KinkyMiria I think I will be posting in the Rant thread soon, As I don't know what to do.
I have to agree with mira warning klaxons definitely
I know now I have been reading it back and reading what people have to say something has to be done, It's not a excuse but she is going through a really bad time she has said she doesn't want to live any more because of her pain , She is having counselling because what she is feeling.
I live with anxiety depression and severe back pain but I don't do what she does I know things are different but it's really no excuse teacake and I hope u sort it out x
Thanks
I’m so sorry to hear about all the suffering you’re going through, my warmest wishes x
Teacake, I'm with KinkyMira on this one, it is a classic emotional abuse tactic. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with it all and I hope you manage to resolve it to your satisfaction, whatever happens.
Sorry rescale I never saw your question before. KM Answers it well though, yes chronic pain can be the most horrible, frustrating experience know it is always there makes it hard. In fact it’s quite bizarre VW has boosted it to the top as today has been an awful day for me. The frustration at not being able to do what I want to physically in the run up to xmas has really been hard this week. I would say this is the worst Christmas we’ve had so far with the chronic pain. I did have a moment earlier when I had a vent not at but in front of my husband. I told him how I couldn’t take it anymore etc. he told me it’s the most anxious / wound up / irritated he’s seen me in a while and suggested I take some of the ‘chill pills’ that I have for when it gets to this point. I really do save them for when I really am at the depths of coping of that makes sense. Yes it makes me easier to get frustrated etc, yes I don’t cope with what some people would think minor annoyances some times but what it doesn’t do is give me the right to be abusive, unfaithful, un fair, nasty, etc I really do sympathies with her pain but it does sound like she may need to go to the pain management clinics that the nhs run. I hope things are better for you guys xx
ypu could also try engaging ur mrs too send you sexy texts see how that goes
Hello F&F, I'm so sorry you've had a bad week. My body always seems to let me down when I've got a deadline. I sometimes think my body hates me. I have chill pills too, and I do exactly the same - save them untl I get the most anxious/wound up/irritated.
Our best tactic is to prepare as much in advance as we can. We bought another freezer to allow us room to make and store stuff in advance. We prepare shopping lists well in advance (so apart from dairy and fresh veg, we were all sorted by Tuesday). We've backed out of presents (so that is one less hassle and drain on my body). We've been mega-prepared this year, so I'm chilled. My husband puts it down to the early morning sex putting me in the right frame of mind (of course he'd think that!), It certainly does put me in the right frame of mind, so is a part of it, but really it is the combination of that and all the above and little incremental changes we make over time.
I think overall F&F, when you're all behind like you are, the way to think about it is "it's only one day". Society tries to sell us on the perfect family Christmas, but it doesn't have to be. It's one day.
Take care xx