So I'm upset, sorry this is a rant. My fiance who I've been with for four years and am marrying at the end of the year is currently away with the army for 8 months. He's already been gone for three months. He's difficult to communicate with and we're both busy so it has been hard. I'd love to be able to talk dirty with him but I know that he doesn't feel comfortable with it so I've tried not to push the issue. Every now and then I'll drop some hints but it never goes anywhere.
So yesterday he messaged me to ask me to send a text message from his phone as his mobile contract will expire if it's not used. I turned on his phone for the first time in months and loads of messages popped up. I didn't intend to snoop. Honestly I didn't. I know I shouldn't have done it but I went onto his facebook messages. I could only see the last line of the conversations that he was having and one of them caught my eye.
It was a message from a girl and it said something about being horny. So I clicked on it. It was a conversation from one of his exes. A fuckbuddy I think rather than a girlfriend. And they had a whole conversation reminiscing about the sex that they used to have. Honestly, the conversation wasn't all that explicit and if he usually talked about sex with me I probably wouldn't have thought much of it.
I don't have a problem with them being friends or talking. But he talked more about sex with her than he ever has with me. It was only talking about what they used to do and then the conversation ended with "not fair, you've made me really horny now." It wasn't like he was arranging to meet up with her or talking about having sex with her now.
But still, I am really really hurt. I told him what I had seen and he's apologised, said that he knows he shouldn't have done it and that he loves me bla bla bla. I never, ever thought that I had to worry about this kind of thing with him. I always trusted him completely. And now I feel totally betrayed. I haven't seen him in months which makes things hard enough and now I don't feel like I can trust him. This just seems so out of character for him.
He's coming home in less than three weeks for his two week holiday before he's away again and I should be really excited. But I feel sick. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to destroy our relationship and I know in reality that what he did isn't all that bad. But all I can think about is punishing him. He messaged me today and I ignored it. What do I do? How long should I maintain this angry silence?
I don't think angry silence is the way to go. I think when he comes home you should have a proper discussion with him about what he did and how it has made you feel. It most likely meant nothing but it was disrespectful and it has hurt you and he needs that to be made clear. You need to tell him it has affected your trust in him which considering the time you spend apart is even more important in your relationship then in any other. I think you really need to be reassured that anything like it wouldn't happen again and you can only really get that reassurance from a conversation in person x
I've read your post, feel sorry for you but as a bloke I'm leaving it up to our lovely ladies on here to give you their advice because they're best at it. I hope it all works out well for you in the end.
Hun. I feel for you I do. My husband and I have had similar but his issue was sextting others I found out and went mental. We are currently living apart it's given me time and space to heal my wounds from being betrayed. Communication is key here. You need to talk to him say everything you feel and tell him what you want let him have his peace and talk to you. I can feel why your angry and the what ifs play on your mind all the time. I've since come to conclusion our son we had is more important than his useless crap. I've told him he changes or it's final. I'm taking it slowly for first time in my life and took several steps back. You need to sit alone think about everything, yourself, you two together, does he make you happy. Is he committed? Love and marriage is a tough thing to understand but you will over come many battles bad thoughts time apart and hate at times.
Personally, if I saw something like that from my other half to any other person (let alone an ex) I'd be fuming. I'd feel humiliated and disrespected. How you're feeling is absolutely 100% justified and don't feel bad for it. You're human with true emotions that in a relationship like yours, should be respected. I'd talk to him though. The angry silence won't help either of you to work through this. I'd be up front and honest, holding no punches. I'd tell him exactly how it made me feel and that it was completely wrong of him. He would then have to work very hard to win back my trust. The only thing that would stop me walking out on him would be the fact that he didn't actually physically do anything.
Ugh I know, and the fact that I know we're going to have to talk about it when he gets back is making me mad too. He's only back for two weeks and that time is so precious because we never see each other. And now it's going to be spoiled by having to talk about this. We never usually argue :(
If he usually talked about sex and was flirty then I honestly wouldn't have thought too much of it. I probably would have been a little pissed off but I've told him so many times that I'd love to be able to talk about sex honestly and he's always said it makes him uncomfortable.
I have told him how I feel and been very honest about how I don't feel like I can trust him now. But the only way I can communicate with him at the moment is via facebook messenger so it's not very easy. We had a very long conversation about it yesterday and he opened up to me properly for the first time in ages. He seems genuinely sorry but I'm just so mad I can't talk to him any more.
We've had to spend so much time apart and I've tried my best to just get on with things, trust him and hope that in the end everything will be better, this is just temporary. And now I feel completely betrayed.
Personally, if I saw something like that from my other half to any other person (let alone an ex) I'd be fuming. I'd feel humiliated and disrespected.
How you're feeling is absolutely 100% justified and don't feel bad for it. You're human with true emotions that in a relationship like yours, should be respected.
I'd talk to him though. The angry silence won't help either of you to work through this. I'd be up front and honest, holding no punches. I'd tell him exactly how it made me feel and that it was completely wrong of him. He would then have to work very hard to win back my trust.
The only thing that would stop me walking out on him would be the fact that he didn't actually physically do anything.
+1. I am sorry to hear this. I agree with above, your feelings are definitely justified. He can't be that uncomfortable with it if he's able to talk to others about sex in a way that he can't even talk to his future wife about. The people above me have pretty much nailed the advice that I could offer, but sending some extra support your way x
See I've deleted facebook. That sh*t has caused too much trauma in my life. Is there any reason why he hasn't taken his phone with him. I don't know rules and regs... I know it's hard but try and bury yourself in activities until he comes Home. Then blast it out when he arrives home. Once it's done you will feel better and then can enjoy time together and go either way x
Honestly the conversation that they had was really short and not even very explicit. I know it could have been a lot worse. He's deleted her on facebook and he seems genuinely sorry. But I'm still mad and I don't feel that I can talk to him.
Facebook drives me nuts but it's our only way to communicate apart from skype (which is slow and frustrating). He didn't take his phone as it wouldn't work over there.
I was just so looking forward to him coming home. I don't want to attack him about this as soon as he gets off the plane. I don't know what to do :(
now that you know, you need to nip this in the bud or it willl continue and eat into you.
This happened to me with my ex, where I came across messages to an 'ex' of hers. I ignored it and didnt metion it. We ended up breaking up some months later, related to this but got back together a few weeks after after she swore to me she was innocent. By this time there was no proof of anything to prove her guilt. I mentioned the texts which she claims she had no recollection of so had to leave it at that.
So it seemed to her that she had gotten away with it.
We got back together and 2 years later she cheated on me again. I saw the same warnig signs so one day drove to her house and caught her out with another guy. It was so obvious what she was up to, it was almost like she wanted to get caught.
We broke up for good.
My point is, it will always eat away at you and he may think he has gotten away with it and so continue this... whether you are married or not makes no difference as far as I am concerned in terms of loyalty.
The other thing you may want to ask yourself is why would he ask you to send a text from his phone knowing he would have messages pop up after months of non-usage? I make no apoliogies for laying down a harsh point here.
As much as you were looking forward to him coming home, you need to face this as soon as possible with him so you know where you stand for your future. It is hard facing the bitterness sometimes i know, and something I never wish upon anyone, but facing it now will be better for you in the long run.
Honestly I don't think he even thought about what would happen when I looked at his phone. If I had done what he had (not that I would) I would have at least destroyed the evidence. I really don't think he thought it through, or forgot that I could go straight onto his facebook/emails/texts if I wanted to. His phone had been sitting there for months and it hadn't even crossed my mind to go and look at it... now I've snooped through everything. There is absolutely nothing else incriminating. I'd really like to think this was a one time thing but I'm now completely paranoid.
Had this happened when he was home I know that we would have been able to have a rational conversation about it. We did have a very long talk yesterday but all it did was make me more and more mad. There are few ways to portray anger on facebook messenger and I felt that silence was better than short sentences with full stops at the end.
So now I'm wondering how long to keep the silence up for.I don't want him to feel like he's got away with it. But at the same time I don't want to drag it out for longer than necessary.
Maybe just take a couple of days to yourself and see how you feel about it then. It really can make all the difference. Good luck hun. Really do wish you the best x
I too am the angry silence woman. I did it easier to keep the silence when I'm really really mas because I always end up saying something I regret otherwise.
So sorry to hear this has happened. I have gone through something similar and know how painful it can be. I have no other advice than what has already been recommended but I hope you get to the bottom of this quickly honey. Keep us posted x
Personally, if I saw something like that from my other half to any other person (let alone an ex) I'd be fuming. I'd feel humiliated and disrespected.
How you're feeling is absolutely 100% justified and don't feel bad for it. You're human with true emotions that in a relationship like yours, should be respected.
I'd talk to him though. The angry silence won't help either of you to work through this. I'd be up front and honest, holding no punches. I'd tell him exactly how it made me feel and that it was completely wrong of him. He would then have to work very hard to win back my trust.
The only thing that would stop me walking out on him would be the fact that he didn't actually physically do anything.
+1. I am sorry to hear this. I agree with above, your feelings are definitely justified. He can't be that uncomfortable with it if he's able to talk to others about sex in a way that he can't even talk to his future wife about. The people above me have pretty much nailed the advice that I could offer, but sending some extra support your way x
+2 for bumblebee's comment. Just like to add on that when you have a proper conversation, ask him why he felt he could talk to her like that and not you Ask him what was so different about her that meant she was ok to be open about stuff, even though you've hinted you want to be more sexually chatty and haven't got that. Maybe it's actually a nice reason deep down, maybe it's because he cares about you, he doesn't want to embarass himself by dirty talking or whatever, whereas he doesn't really care what this other girl thinks anymore.
+2 for bumblebee's comment. Just like to add on that when you have a proper conversation, ask him why he felt he could talk to her like that and not you Ask him what was so different about her that meant she was ok to be open about stuff, even though you've hinted you want to be more sexually chatty and haven't got that. Maybe it's actually a nice reason deep down, maybe it's because he cares about you, he doesn't want to embarass himself by dirty talking or whatever, whereas he doesn't really care what this other girl thinks anymore.
Whatever happens, sending some hugs x
Thanks everyone for your advice and words of comfort. Funnily enough popk1n that's exactly what he said. But it didn't really make me feel any better because I just couldn't understand why he'd be embarrassed to talk to me. I'm going to be his wife yet he feels uncomfortable discussing intimate issues with me. I said this to him and he said he'll try to change.
I woke up this morning after having the most awful awful dream. Obviously with his job he's never completely safe and I dreamt about them coming under attack. I just realised I had to talk to him. He'd sent me a message saying that he was struggling a lot with me not talking to him and that he was really really sorry... Generally grovelling a lot which is what I wanted him to do.
So I broke the silence. I do feel a bit better about it today. We're going to skype later and I'm hoping that just talking to him face to face will help me to discuss some things with him. I still don't feel great, and there's still this deep seated need for me to punish him. I am going to find it harder to trust him. But hopefully he won't let me down again and it will heal in time.
Okay okay, this is an ex am I right? Someone who was in his life prior to you and an old message yes? even a recent message that laft him horny wouldn't bother me, again, he's a man but your man!! So what's the problem! He's felt talking about sex more freely with her and it's hurt your feelings, I can understand that part in a small way! They're men!!! Of course they're going to talk to different partners about different things because we're all different too!
He's kept the messages because they're part of his past, he didn't keep them to upset his next partner in life, it's a sexy reminder too. That would not bother me in the slightest, he's with you isn't he at the end of the day and not his ex fuck buddy! A huge difference in my view, you're not a fuck buddy, but an important part of his life.
Ignorning him is just being childish, you're a grown up and so is he, he's hundreds or thousands of miles away and is concerned about you. My hub used to be in the Armed Forces, where is he? Belize? his mobile should work any where in the world as I re call.
You do need to talk to him to let him know it's hurt you, it would clear the air and he might open up as to why he talks to her still about sexy thoughts. My eyes are wide open as to why men need an extra layer in a relationship lately, they're not trying to hurt their partners but some obviously feel there's a tiny element missing in their lives. Maybe it's because I'm older that I can see this as harmless fun, he comes home to you and your bed at the end of the day so to speak, he's made that decision to be with you because he loves you. He's not cheating, he's had a conversation, not a big deal in the grand scheme of things!
I appreciate eveyone is different and sometimes I can't get my head around these modern arrangments like fbs etc. However if I did something like that my OH would be furious .
So yes using your communication aspect of your relationship, you perhaps need to ask some questions but refrain from jumping down his throat. .Once you have all the answers and truthful at that, assess the answers and then decide on corrective action .
I think the most important thing it what is going to make you happiest and feel best about this whole thing. For me, I found a guy I was dating had signed up to a dating website and was sending naughty pictures and videos to other girls. I kept quiet for a week and made myself really ill worrying over it and becoming paranoid, until I blurted it out and he acted like it was no big deal, that it was all from before we got together (the date stamps said it wasn't).
In the end I was just too worried that if he could cover it up soi casually then, it could easily happen again and broke it off. So have a think, can you see yourself totally forgiving and forgetting, or will this always linger in the back of your mind?
Make sure you both sit down and talk it over properly, to make sure you both understand the other person's point of view.
Even though you're engaged, should it come to it, it's never too late to walk away if there is a reason to.
+2 for bumblebee's comment. Just like to add on that when you have a proper conversation, ask him why he felt he could talk to her like that and not you Ask him what was so different about her that meant she was ok to be open about stuff, even though you've hinted you want to be more sexually chatty and haven't got that. Maybe it's actually a nice reason deep down, maybe it's because he cares about you, he doesn't want to embarass himself by dirty talking or whatever, whereas he doesn't really care what this other girl thinks anymore.
Whatever happens, sending some hugs x
Thanks everyone for your advice and words of comfort. Funnily enough popk1n that's exactly what he said. But it didn't really make me feel any better because I just couldn't understand why he'd be embarrassed to talk to me. I'm going to be his wife yet he feels uncomfortable discussing intimate issues with me. I said this to him and he said he'll try to change.
I woke up this morning after having the most awful awful dream. Obviously with his job he's never completely safe and I dreamt about them coming under attack. I just realised I had to talk to him. He'd sent me a message saying that he was struggling a lot with me not talking to him and that he was really really sorry... Generally grovelling a lot which is what I wanted him to do.
So I broke the silence. I do feel a bit better about it today. We're going to skype later and I'm hoping that just talking to him face to face will help me to discuss some things with him. I still don't feel great, and there's still this deep seated need for me to punish him. I am going to find it harder to trust him. But hopefully he won't let me down again and it will heal in time.
xxx
The embarassment with the whole idrty talking/discussing sex is probably down to his own insecurity and worrying he's awful at it and you'll laugh at him, not because he feels he can't say things to you specifically. He may want to talk about sexy stuff but feels he doesnt have the skill to, and the only reason he is so insecure is because he wants to impress you and make you happy
Would u still be at mad if he was beside you coz the distance thing could be contributing to how hurt you are?!
Me personally, considering you have mentioned he doesn't talk like that with you... I'd be pissed off but reverse it- do you talk like that with him?! Do.you encourage him to?! Maybe turn this into a positive... Now u have seen this side to him, encourage him to talk like that with you. Explain it would help u while he's away.
He's only home for two weeks... Fuck him like never before and make him forget his ex existed 😂😂😂