My hubby and I have been together for 22 years and in that time our sex life has always been a little up and down although rather adventurous at times. The past couple of years however things have once again become a little boring and if I’m honest neither of us had really made the effort to spice things up again. During a conversation we had recently my husband told me that it isn’t even his job to get me turned on and that I should be doing that myself by either reading an erotic book or watching porn. He said my job is to turn myself on so that i turn him on so i get us both off. Suddenly the thought of what do i have a husband for then came to mind. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do he always uses a wand on me paired with a fuck machine while i wank him off. The odd occasion he does decided to have sex with me it is always a 2 min pump and go leaving me unsatisfied. I’d just like to add that i’m 38 and he is 47 so not sure if it’s an age thing or not. When i try to talk to him and explain that as much as i love using sex toys what i actually want more is physical touch. He shuts any conversation down by telling me i live in fantasy land and read to many books, he then went on to suggest i let another man have sex with me and called me boring when i said i wasn’t up for that at the time. He then pushed me to talk to other men online and i got chatting to one guy who turned me on constantly, we’ve never met but holy cow the thoughts he had me thinking had me rather wet between the legs. Unfortunately my hubby has no such affect on me and he doesn’t even want to try to turn me on. “It’s not the husbands job to turn on the wife, she is meant to turn herself on” his words everytime. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
It’s definitely not an age thing, i’m nearly 60 and have always considered that the male should satisfy his partner before thinking of his own needs.
I think you need a good long talk with him. Also, you can’t read too many books, that sounds to me like him trying to put you down. Good luck.
I would agree with @WillC me and Mrs have a 10 yr age gap she’s younger and I have much higher sex drive, I don’t think that looking for a 3rd party is the answer and as you stated a job if sex is thought of as a job is not the best way to describe it, it’s to be full filling and pleasurable to both of you, there must be a way to bridge the gap for you both always a starting point is talking it out good luck and hope you get things sorted
@MissGG69 hello and welcome to the forum age is absolutely irrelevant sadly it sounds like you OH has lost interest which i simply cannot understand as i am a pleaser (well hopefully lol) it has to be a 2 way thing you need to say him down for some serious in depth discussion of what he wants just be honest with each other ! best wishes
Thanks Latex. If only he would actually talk without shutting me down all the time maybe we would get somewhere. I’m not one to give up though so will keep trying to get the answers or action that i need x
Sorry to hear about your situation. I think the first step is to find a suitable time for a serious conversation laying out what you both want in the relationship, hopefully you can find some compromises and find a way forward. You have to remain positive at this stage and hopefully he can come on board with improving things.
Is your man for real? Of course its his job to turn you on. It sounds you know how to do that and he should be taking some lessons from you. He seems very selfish and he needs to focus on your needs first. How you achieve this is the problem though, hopefully you will get some good ideas here.
Hi @MissGG69, sorry to hear you’re going through this. There are a few things from your last post that made me feel quite angry on your behalf.
This is nonsense. You are a couple, it is not one person’s responsibility to “get the other one off” and it shouldn’t be a “job” either. Has he always felt this way? It would be interesting to know where he got this idea from. This point of view is very outdated and I’m sorry to say that if my husband talked to me like this he would have a lot of grovelling to do. We don’t have the best sex life due to his lower sex drive but he does talk to me and is never disrespectful towards me.
This sounds very dismissive and critical to me. Plus, you can’t read too many books in my opinion! I love reading too
This doesn’t seem right to me. Bringing another person into the relationship might not be a good idea. I wouldn’t recommend that unless you have a solid relationship where you can talk and work through problems together. You are not boring for wanting to have an intimate relationship with your husband rather than looking for another man and you shouldn’t feel pressured into anything that you don’t want to do.
I know it’s harder than it sounds but you really need to talk this over with him. Try to avoid talking before or after sex because this can feel very pressured or critical and make sure that you have plenty of time. I would suggest that you look at relationship counselling / sex therapy where you can work through your feelings together and get some guidance on how to approach things. We’ve tried counselling and it really helped - sex is still a bit of an issue but we are much happier as a couple and we are considering going back to counselling in the future to focus on the sexual side of our relationship.
If only he were joking life would be great. He always says i’m never satisfied or difficult to please when infact i’m the opposite if you know how to make my body tick. Apparently i’m meant to be grateful for all the toys he buys me for my pleasure. I get turned on rather easily but it would seem he has forgotten how to do that and the last several months the only way to get turned on is by letting my imagination run wild with thoughts of other guys and remembering how good it would feel to have someone actually touch my body
He never used to be this way, not sure when he actually changed if i’m honest. We’ve both never been great at being totally open with each other when it comes to our sex life which is probably why we’ve ended up like this. He sees it as he buys me toys to pleasure me, i have multiple orgasms using said toys so i should be happy. From my side though there is lack of physical touch, lack of intimacy etc if i’m honest i just feel bored and not turned on by my hubby anymore, i mean why would i because he never touches me.
All the advice you have got so far is spot on, I think your husband has some underlying issues he needs to sort out. Either that or he is just a total dick.
But, could I suggest you take control, and come onto him. Maybe that is what he really desires. Plan some evening to just slam him onto the bed and take over. Do whatever pleases you (with consent of course).
He seems to get off on you pleasuring yourself. Turn him into a sex toy for your absolute pleasure.
If it works he might open up a bit more.
I’m not blaming you, just being devil’s advocate. It’s worth a try anyway.
Best of luck.
Thanks for the advice sexlover. I probably should do that more if i’m honest but always feeling left unsatisfied has made me a little selfish and i have been known to get into the mindset of if he don’t give then i don’t give. I’m not the kind of lady to give up though and we’ve tried many things over the years so i guess we’ve hit a phase of i/we need to think of something totally new maybe.
@MissGG69 the lack of contact touch and shared experience is the one thing that no toy will replace, you need to thrash it out and sit down in a natural location and get everything out in the open so to speak !
Personally I think a relationship is about turning each other on!
I only need to feel my partners skin and I’m turned on which turns her on
We always want to have sex and if I don’t make her cum I feel disappointed
I know sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it’s hugely important
Maybe it’s worth trying sex with another guy while he watches.
It may make him think wow my woman is an amazing sexy woman and I need to do to her what this random guy can?
I am in a ‘everything is black and white’ mood at the moment and personally I would leave his disrespectful ass. His thinking is so outdated and that this is new behaviour would make me question where this is coming from. You could try and have that conversation.
His attitude stinks and the lack of intimacy and respect would be what I couldn’t get passed but him shutting down the lines of communication would be the deal breaker. Communication is so important, it us the nucleus that holds everything else together.