Toys are no replacement for intimacy in a relationship and he should listen to you when you tell him this. Surely he should be happy that you would rather have his touch?
I’m with @JoCat on this one. If my husband talked to me like that (and there wasn’t a reason for it - we all get grouchy sometimes) I would most likely walk out. I’m always the type of person to forgive and give people a second chance so I’d leave it to him to think about, appologise and try to make it up to me. I’m not saying that you should definitely leave him, you know him better than anyone and you should do what feels right to you, but don’t put up with disrespectful behaviour towards you - you deserve better.
Thanks for the advice Kitty. We’ve always been good together and if i’m honest i have brushed a lot under the carpet and just put it down to the fact that we’ve been together a long time so things have just got boring. Lately though, especially with the push to have sex with another man i can’t help but think there is more to it though. It crossed my mind that maybe he wants another woman and just won’t say so he wants me to act first (i did say years ago i wanted a threesome) which i’m not saying 100% no to just not right now as i’m unsure what that would do to our relationship. He says he knows nothing will break us up, he just wants to see me enjoying myself so i guess in his eyes (cause he is 2 pump and go) he thinks toys and another man is the answer.
I don’t have kids so it probably makes it easier for me to have the opinion that I do.
I think showing kids that if you’re not being treated and respected in the way that you should be, that you first of all have the conversation and then if nothing changes then you leave the situation.
It might be easy for me to say that. I left my husband because he did not treat me how I should be treated as his wife. There were no kids to consider but I do believe I would have done everything exactly the same if we had kids.
I probably don’t have much advice to add, and I’m pretty much in agreement with @JoCat and @Kitty-Cat01 on this one. I’m flabbergasted at his attitude if I’m honest. “It isn’t his job” to get you turned on, but you being turned on turns him on, and yet he won’t do anything to get you there. All I can think is “Lazy F*cker”.
I agree he may be hoping you get a bloke, to give him an excuse to get a woman himself. I know my husband and I shag other people, but that is because our relationship is rock solid, respectful and we know where the lines are drawn. He sounds like he’s behaving like a chancer.
Also, “He says he knows nothing will break us up”. Maybe that’s the problem. He doesn’t see this as a threat, when it absolutely is.
And finally, regarding this: “We have children so i’m always driven by not wanting to break the family up.” This is the biggest thing you need to get your head around. Kids know. I knew. I’d have had a much happier childhood if my parents just got on with it and split up (which they did eventually). A poor relationship absolutely affects the kids if you stay in it, and their relationship with both parents and their life can be improved by just getting on with it. They can tell if Mummy or Daddy are unhappy, and they can tell if they are happy. They can tell if there are arguments, or sulks, or abuse (even if they don’t have the words to explain). They know.
Plus “breaking the family up” is used as an emotional blackmail tool to keep the party that wants to leave in their box. It is a tool of control, and isn’t actually based on reality. If he starts that one, please don’t fall for it.
That turned a bit black. Sorry! Good luck @MissGG69. Awful place to be.
Having read your post I’d firstly like to say - big hugs to you. You need affection, touch, intimacy, care, and ultimately LOVE shown to you by your other half.
Why is he suggesting you seek other men for physical intimacy? Is there an underlying issue on his side ? This needs discussing as it seems he is pushing you to seek an affair or casual hook up for kicks which just seems downright odd.
You need to sit down, to talk like REALLY talk and make him aware of just how this behavior is making you feel.
It just sounds like he’s making excuses for not making an effort and you deserve someone who cares enough to make that effort. His behaviour around encouraging you to have sex with another man certainly seems strange and would ring alarm bells for me too. This definitely needs addressing and he needs to understand how you are feeling.
It sounds like he is either convinced that you wouldn’t leave him so is not worried about making an effort or he is totally clueless about how you are feeling. Either way, he needs to know how you feel and that leaving him has crossed your mind.
Got more time to reply now… the saying goes “it takes two to tango” and that is true. If one partner is making all the effort with the other not making any, and blaming things on you, then things are only going to get worse, and resentment build up, and your confidence take a bashing.
To be honest, he is coming across as a lazy, disrespectful bully, who can’t or won’t take responsibility for his own failings, but instead is putting you down.
Only you know what’s right for you, and you say you are a life coach and counsellor, so i think you know you need to talk seriously or to go to couples counselling.
As others have said, it seems he thinks that cos you have kids, you won’t leave, and he can treat you like crap with no repercussions.
Welcome to the forum and so sorry to hear your going through this struggle.
The first thing what came to mind reading your post was, are you happy in this marriage?
Also he sounds very old fashioned in expecting you to do all the work when making love is about mutual passion turning both on.
I sense there’s something more going on with him than what he’s letting on maybe… as if he’s rarely partaking in intercourse, not showing interest in sex with you and has encouraged you to talk with other men, it’d make me question the same as you, why are you even married?…
he sounds awful. a open relationship is definitely the way to go but just know that this isn’t fair behaviour as sex should go both ways and be fulfilling for both participants.
@MissGG69 . I think your hub needs a reality check.!!
Sexual satisfaction isnt a one way street and if it was , he is going up it the wrong way.
Like any good partnership it is a give and take.
I personally believe we all should have the attitude, that it is our responsibility to try to sexuall satisfy/ arouse each other and if we both applying the same effort , then hopefully there is a great outcome.
Im worrying about you and how you are being treated both physically and mentally.
He needs a serious talking too.
Its making me feel quite angry actually.
You deserve better !!
He’s struggled to finish once or twice in the past few months and there has been a few times he’s struggled to keep an erection. This has usually been when one of the children have shouted and he says its killed his mood but i can’t be sure. We have 4 kids and in 22 years he’s never had any problems.
The problem is he doesn’t see there is a problem. I have repeatedly told him i crave physical touch over a toy any day of the week no matter how many times i orgasm.
I’ve suggested an open relationship to him but that is a big no no for him. He says he wouldn’t be ok with me going off with some other guy which i honestly can’t wrap my head around because he said he’d watch me with another guy on my own or have another guy join us. He even said he’d watch me with two other guys.
I’m mentally and physically fine thanks Will. Our marriage is good even though the sex side of things isn’t. As a couple we’re ok, as a family we’re good, as parents we’re good. But as sexual partners we have these issues that i find difficult to overcome. I’ve probably painted him as a monster which he honestly isn’t but old fashioned and doesn’t seem to understand where i’m coming from that he definitely is.
Sorry to hear this @MissGG69 . Sounds like your husband is living in a fantasy world. It also sounds like he is watching too much porn or doing something to think that his fantasy is your reality. I agree with everyone saying you need to talk.
There is no way someone can say that your feeling a certain way is wrong. They are your feelings - you are entitled to them. Stupid side note, but have you ever watched the show “9 Perfect Strangers” on Prime+? There is a couple on there that suffer from intimacy due to the death of their son. She craved “skin on skin” contact. It unites and even takes the place of sex. I actually never knew that most women feel this way at times. Now I tell/ask Mrs. Val while we are lying in bed, “Skin on skin?” Sometimes she is in the mood and other times she isn’t. But she knows I have a need to feel close to her even without PIV sex or any arousal. So we both get completely naked and hold each other “skin on skin”. It’s a powerful thing…but sounds like he needs a wake up call. I wish you nothing but the best… sorry for this…