Hi @MissGG69 and welcome. Sorry to hear about this - sounds like you guys are in a rut in the sex life department, which happens to so many people in one form or another.
It is difficult to find any empathy for your husband based on what you have written - although you said other things are better in other areas.
I agree with loads of the advice above.
Male or female - in a relationship we all need to feel that you partner values you and cares about your needs.
We have had counselling - and still see a therapist once a month, as it keeps us accountable and a safe place to talk about difficult things,
My wife and I can go for more than a month without sex, or have it three times in a week. She is 12 years younger than me and Iām 54. Personally, I think age can make a sexual relationship better.
We love toys, but they are there to enhance our intimacy - not detract from it.
I think sex should be playful, fun, vulnerable and about connection. The sharing of intimate moments joins us together deeply, and is I think, quite sacred - as well as messy, silly, awkward and ridiculous at times.
Itās not totally easy for us - we go in and out of sync with each other, but we have some tools to get back on track pretty quickly (which is a big improvement). we have had some rough yards in the past, and kids, jobs, busy lives all add to the stress.
I guess we get turned on together. My wife takes a long tome to warm up, so we bathe, and massage, and have music. Once sheās off - sheās amazing.
But it only happens in a bubble of trust, safety, warmth and love.
We cuddle a lot.
Ask him if heās willing to talk to an outside party about your issues. There are plenty of experts who can help couples on these issues.
If he loves you, it might be challenging, but he should be willing. Took me a long time to agree to see a therapist with my wife, but it was so worth it.
Wishing you all the best x
You deserve to be turned on by your partner as does everyone in a committed relationship
Heās going to end up pushing you in doing exactly what he doesnāt want!
@our-adventure-bed . Very sound and grounded adviceā¦ you look to have a great attitude.
Your wife looked to be having great fun and looked so relaxed in the photos you posted. This is only achieved through trust being built and focusing on each other.
Itās the best feeling
You have not painted him as a monster at all @MissGG69 you have asked us for advice so that shows you care.
Sorry if itās not the case at all but I have lots of experience in this.
Does your husband have autism? He could have tried really hard at first to do things that he just canāt do anymore. Like for example touching someone else with their hands sexually itās easier to use toysā¦lots of other things I could mention. Just a thought.
Hope you sort it out.
Weāre parents to children on the autistic spectrum and if iām honest do think my husband might be too. He thought he might be himself for a while but then changed his mind and decided it was all because he has a sigma personality that makes him the way he is.
I have too and know how hard it is @MissGG69
Iām not making excuses for him not at allā¦it may not beā¦ but I know physical contact is difficult for them and touching someone sexually is more personal and invading their personal space big timeā¦ therefore much easier to touch someone with toys. You often donāt get the foreplay you need and sex is sex. At first he might have tried really hard to please you when it was difficult for him to do but then really couldnāt after a while.
Him suggesting another guy join you or him watching you could be his way of giving you what he knows you need without you running off with someoneā¦as thatās a totally different scenario.
Some have a bodily fluid thingā¦others donāt like the smellā¦touchā¦taste. Some are very OCD structured and routined sexually too.
I hope you can sort it through @MissGG69 itās hard with autistic children in the mix tooā¦but they are so so rewarding.
Him suggesting another guy join you or him watching you could be his way of giving you what he knows you need
This is often what he says. He knows i need more so why wouldnāt i want to do something he knows i need when it is all for my pleasure.
Thanks for the advice CurvyJilly if iām honest i never gave thought to autism when it comes to my husband even though now when i think back over the years maybe it was obvious that was maybe part of what has been happening with us all along. The same sexual patterns, me telling him the same things repeatedly, getting stuck in the same sexual ruts every few years, his behaviours that i always say were so predictable.
You often donāt get the foreplay you need and sex is sex. This is 100% how it is even when things are good in the bedroom.
Iām autistic, Iām also dyslexic and Dhabi dyspraxia
Tell him to itās ok to be ādifferentā Iāve finally learned that my behaviour issues are my identity and make me who I am
If he accepts something isnāt quite right he will learn to embrace it
Thank you for sharing that with me @cfcmattyc iāve always thought as my husband as different and iāve always loved him for it too which he knows. It was the main reason i fell for him in the first place, he wasnāt like everyone else but when we met i was only 16 so i knew nothing of love and i knew nothing about autism until i had my children.
You say everything else in your marriage is goodā¦the sexual side is the issue.
Agree with @cfcmattyc itās ok for him to be different and if itās how he works then itās how he works. Have a conversation about itā¦ but remember no ones way is the right or wrong wayā¦we are all wired up differently.
Itās understanding each other and as you will know an autistic dislike or routine is pretty much set in stoneā¦but if you can talk and understand the why and where that fear (and also routine) comes from it will help you both.
And also more importantly youāll know itās not anything youāre doing āwrongā.
Good Luck
Your welcome,
Itās scary and daunting feeling different
My partner made me realise it doesnāt need to be that way she finds my bonkers crazy weird ways so endearing
Sheās my world and made me comfy in my own skin
Maybe try talk to him about it?
Well said!!!
We are good together, we make a great team, and together we are a beautiful family. We just have these little issues every now and then that usually leave me feeling rubbish.
Yes i know only too well the routines and behaviours can often be set in stone and try to get him to open up more to me.
When our second son was diagnosed he was convinced he was on the spectrum himself and we both pointed out reasons he could be. I even picked up a book many years ago about loving your autistic partner (canāt remember the title now) but it described our relationship almost perfectly. Everything it said the non autistic partner would feel i was feeling i just hadnāt known why then suddenly it made sense in my mind.
However, a few years later he had been learning about personality traits and after learning about the sigma personality traits he believed it to be him and has now decided he isnāt autistic and that he is the way he is because of the sigma traits.
I could of written that myself about my husband.
Iāve always loved the way he is even when i donāt understand why he does the things he does.
Thatās love!!
I love how she loves me no mater what I do or donāt do
I think thatās unconditional!!
I can do anything and sgraffito will back me, Iāve host broke a bone in my neck and I go to work, she donāt agree but she backs me
Iāll say talk to him frank and honesty have a bit chat over a meal or a weekend away
Maybe heās afraid to accept that he may be on the spectrum, because of the stigma attached to it?
I have a fair few traits that over the years, i have just accepted as me being a bit eccentric. It was only recently when a very dear friend with a wealth of experience educated me and explained that my traits and habits were signs of me being on the spectrum.
I now understand why i do certain things and have learned to accept it, and canāt thank my friend enough for their help and understanding.
Maybe you could suggest your husband take another look at his traits.
I will add that i just looked up what a Sigma male is, and to be honest, i just thought it came across as a more flattering description of being on the spectrum.
100% agree with this.
I think some of it is because he doesnāt want anyone to blame him for our children being on the spectrum. When he first told me he thought he was on the spectrum one of the first things he said was āthis is all on me, our children are like this because of meā and that broke my heart.
Obviously i tried my best to make him see that he shouldnāt feel that way and that heās loved so much as are our children but maybe that hasnāt really settled his mind. It is difficult to know how he feels as he rarely talks to me and when i talk to him most of what i say is often taken the wrong way.
He shouldnāt blame himself, it was no more in his control than any other genetic trait like freckles or eye colour.
I told him this so many times.
That said, i did exactly the same when our eldest son was diagnosed. First thing i did was blame myself and convince myself i did something during pregnancy. I knew nothing of autism back then though and often think to myself if only i knew then what i know now everything would of been so much easier.