He hates me

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Just had a little spat with OH, I asked him a few hours ago whether we were done with work and he said yes so I put my pj shorts on, then he decides we have to go to work so I just go in my pjs and I was trying to ask him what to do and he was being cryptic telling me I was wrong but not what was right. We came home and ran a bath and he barely made room for me, then we talk a bit and its basicly just me talking and him being silent, and I say I try to help him as much as possible because I know he's stressed but I'm stressed too and he does nothing to help me, and I list all the things I'm stressed about including that I have 30 quid left to get me home from uni every day until the end of the month.

so he goes on a money rant, because I asked him for a quid the other day, disputed giving him it back. And because he pays for everything in the house, and gives me 130 out the company, but he also earns that much by doing it. The reason I'm so skint is that I bought a car so I could live at home instead of at uni. Like he's just rubbed it my face everything he pays for. Yeah he buys the food, but I cook it, and actually I buy all our meat and pups dinner, I do the washing and cleaning, and look after pups as well as uni.

yeah he does a lot for me but I do a lot for him, I feel like he begrudges everything he does for me now.

hes so bad with communication and it's so stressful, if we're trying to do something it's like he's trying not to work as a team and if we have a problem he just won't talk about it.

i don't know what to do, I have put everytihng I have into this,vwithout him I have no home or money, just a car I can't drive until I pass my test, IF I pass my test. What am I meant to do if he leaves me? I love this man with every cell in my body but it's like it's just not enough for him, how do I be better?!

hes downstairs now pretending to work and I'm in bed after getting out the bath when he had his money rant. God I feel so worthless.

So many suicidal thoughts right now, if he weren't here I'd have my lighter out, I'm really struggling to feel any love from him lately, I don't want to lose him

2

Oh honey my heart is going out to you. This must be such a difficult position to be in. I know how you feel with the uni/money situation, I am in the exact same with my OH.

I wish there was a way I could talk on a more personal level with you to help, I don't want you to feel suicidal.. does he know you feel like this hon?

3

Oh hun, I can't pretend to understand but please remember you aren't alone and if you need to talk there are people on here all hours who are happy to take your mind off things, offer advise or even just to distract you. I hope you're OK xx

4

Please (EDIT BY FORUM ADMIN]

5

Y&F, please don't do anything drastic...and try not to focus on the what ifs...

It sounds like you're both extremely stressed out right now, and money worries are a big cause of that stress.

Take the night to 'sleep on it' if you can, and try to clear the air with him before you go to bed, so you don't go to bed hurt and resentful.

And don't try to place blame, or shift blame. Just acknowledge that you're both stressed. Reassure him you'll help him as best you can, and that you will get through it all together.

I don't think your OH hates you. He is probably just feeling under pressure to provide for you. And maybe he feels a bit guilty (if that's the right word) /frustrated if things are not going so well with work.

Hope things improve in the next few days. Try getting him to talk in a non-confrontational way. May be hard getting him to open up, but it's important to keep the lines of communication open. Good luck x

6

I feel like the balance has been broken in this relationship, and both of you feel to be inequal partners. Truly the only way out is to openly communicate with each other, but without passing the blame like a ping-pong ball. And you both need to listen to the other one too. If there's a will, there's a way, from what you've written down the situation doesn't seem hopeless.

I must wonder though if it's smart relying solely on a partner to maintain you? You should be responsible for your own life, as from what you say you feel lost without his financial support and he might feel responsible for your survival too, which is a huge burden for anyone to bare and it’s clearly impacting your relationship too.

Could it maybe be that he’s just stressed because of the family Christmas situation you mentioned on the Rant thread?

Edit: Luv bunny, you beat me to it!

7

era wrote:

I feel like the balance has been broken in this relationship, and both of you feel to be inequal partners. Truly the only way out is to openly communicate with each other, but without passing the blame like a ping-pong ball. And you both need to listen to the other one too. If there's a will, there's a way, from what you've written down the situation doesn't seem hopeless.

I must wonder though if it's smart relying solely on a partner to maintain you? You should be responsible for your own life, as from what you say you feel lost without his financial support and he might feel responsible for your survival too, which is a huge burden for anyone to bare and it’s clearly impacting your relationship too.

Could it maybe be that he’s just stressed because of the family Christmas situation you mentioned on the Rant thread?

Edit: Luv bunny, you beat me to it!

Great minds and all, Era. 😉

Y&F, would you be able to manage a part time job in addition to Uni, to make you feel more equal?

8

This is probably really unhelpful, but anyone who makes you feel worthless and sucidal, needs to be out of your life. Immediately

9

We don't know if Y&F's OH makes her feel this way, or if that's how she feels because of their argument. People may feel like nothing when they are so heavily invested in someone else and then shit hits the fan, so to speak...

so it's not necessarily fair on the OH to say he should be out of her life...

10

Treat ppl like you want to be treated and if they don't appreciate you then start anew. Thank you goes along way. So do the little things. X

11

Young and fun95 wrote:

hes so bad with communication and it's so stressful, if we're trying to do something it's like he's trying not to work as a team and if we have a problem he just won't talk about it.

I know I cannot offer much advice (as you probably know, I have no actual experience with relationships) but this may not necessarily mean your relationship is "doomed". When it comes to proper communication, my Dad is (and always has been) absolutely dreadful and he is not exactly good with emotions. Sometimes, he would make a decision without even bothering to tell my Mum - and there have surely been many arguments over various issues between the two of them. He has also always been absolutely obsessed with his work and often unwilling to do anything that would interfere with his work-related plans. He is not exactly one for romantic stuff, either. Yet he is by no means an evil person - he is essentially a good guy who is just... well... not that great at interpersonal relationships. And even though my parents have had many, many arguments, they definitely still care about each other a lot.

I guess that living with somewhat "difficult" men who have, however, essentialy "good hearts" is not always easy. It surely makes one annoyed and exasperated at one time or another - but I suppose it is something you can get used to. When you figure out how your other half thinks when he is stressed, just add a cartload of patience, try to stay calm and do your best to appear level-headed when you need to stand your ground. I am sure both of you will eventually find a way to work on problems - and find solutions that are acceptable for both of you.

12

You've been given some great advice on here and thats because we all care :)

I cant add much too it but if you have twitter, a lot of us do .....chatting on there with someone you feel close to on here may be of some help and support to you *hugs* xx

13

I think like terri, everything I could say has already been said so I'm just sending you lots of hugs and hope you sort things out with OH xx

14

I just don't know guys. I know he isn't doing it maliciously but I just don't feel loved anymore, I feel like a hindrance, like I'm just in the way.

He came up to bed and I was crying, we had a bit of a talk but when he's upset he just cuts off, whereas I need to be close, he did eventually cuddle me. He said he was just trying to help but I felt like he was making out I couldn't do anything (I was holding a bucket and he tried to help so I said I'm not a retard I know how to hold a bucket) I think I'm projecting my low self worth onto him, I think I'm worthless so he must too. He said something about I could leave but he can't because he's stuck here, sounded like he meant because I live with him I'm trapping him because he can't leave me. I dunno, he says I think too much.

i understand where this has come from, it used to feel fair what we were doing, before he met me he never had clean clothes or a hot meal or breakfast or even a home, our current situation is a bit difficult because I haven't passed my driving test so he's driving me to uni and I'm so busy with uni I'm not getting much done in the house. He really doesn't understand how stressed I am, I know he's stressed so I make a massive effort to de stress him in the evening but he does nothing like that for me.

i still have my implant and a couple of weeks ago I noticed a bit of bleeding and thought I'd be getting a bit emotional and I have since it started, been paranoid and everything, I need it out.

15

Just on the last part regarding the implant...

I had mine out as it made me depressed and I was upset, paranoid and argumentative on it. Within a few days of it being out I was back to my normal self
....

Definitely worth looking into hun xxx

16

Kittycat102 wrote:

This is probably really unhelpful, but anyone who makes you feel worthless and sucidal, needs to be out of your life. Immediately

Luv bunny wrote:

Y&F, please don't do anything drastic...and try not to focus on the what ifs...

It sounds like you're both extremely stressed out right now, and money worries are a big cause of that stress.

Take the night to 'sleep on it' if you can, and try to clear the air with him before you go to bed, so you don't go to bed hurt and resentful.

And don't try to place blame, or shift blame. Just acknowledge that you're both stressed. Reassure him you'll help him as best you can, and that you will get through it all together.

I don't think your OH hates you. He is probably just feeling under pressure to provide for you. And maybe he feels a bit guilty (if that's the right word) /frustrated if things are not going so well with work.

Hope things improve in the next few days. Try getting him to talk in a non-confrontational way. May be hard getting him to open up, but it's important to keep the lines of communication open. Good luck x

+1 to both of these! Everything has already been said pretty much in response to your first post. But regarding the implant, I'd definitely go and discuss another option so you can have it removed. Also if he's saying that you could leave, it doesn't sound like he's fighting for you to stay? Is there love for you from his side? Or has the love simply gone from both of you and you're staying together for convenience?

17

Young and fun95 wrote:

I just don't know guys. I know he isn't doing it maliciously but I just don't feel loved anymore, I feel like a hindrance, like I'm just in the way.

He came up to bed and I was crying, we had a bit of a talk but when he's upset he just cuts off, whereas I need to be close, he did eventually cuddle me. He said he was just trying to help but I felt like he was making out I couldn't do anything (I was holding a bucket and he tried to help so I said I'm not a retard I know how to hold a bucket) I think I'm projecting my low self worth onto him, I think I'm worthless so he must too. He said something about I could leave but he can't because he's stuck here, sounded like he meant because I live with him I'm trapping him because he can't leave me. I dunno, he says I think too much.

i understand where this has come from, it used to feel fair what we were doing, before he met me he never had clean clothes or a hot meal or breakfast or even a home, our current situation is a bit difficult because I haven't passed my driving test so he's driving me to uni and I'm so busy with uni I'm not getting much done in the house. He really doesn't understand how stressed I am, I know he's stressed so I make a massive effort to de stress him in the evening but he does nothing like that for me.

i still have my implant and a couple of weeks ago I noticed a bit of bleeding and thought I'd be getting a bit emotional and I have since it started, been paranoid and everything, I need it out.

Hey hun, the thing with a lot of men is that when they're hurting they cut off and retreat into their 'cave' so to speak. Women try to reach out and reconnect. It's the whole men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing...sorry to sound like a wierdo psychologist. I think it does ring true though. I'm currently trying to read the above book, to understand my OH better, and try to work out what errors we make in communicating with each other...

it sounds like you are quite like myself in the regards of when someone tries to help you, you become defensive. I know I do it, and comments like the 'retard' one are exactly the type of thing I would say! Sometimes, we have to look beyond our own pride, and just be gracious about accepting help. It doesn't sound like your OH is trying to be malicious. But the comment about 'oh you can leave but I'm stuck here,' sounds like that is more to do with his work than with you...maybe he feels tied down in this work and it is starting to wear on him. Is there anyway, he could get extra help with the work, like employ a part-timer. Or if you were able to help out, and he gives you money, then it your 'salary' and you put it back into running your home, buying groceries whatever. Sounds like you already do this though, as you already said he gives you money from the company.

Dont be so hard on yourself though, about your contribution. It sounds like you do loads to help him. But remember although it may not seem like he does things for you, actually he does...like the lifts to uni and stuff like that.

I think looking into the implant would be a good idea. I have sworn off any hormonal forms of contraception as I think they just screw you up. I now actually have a sex drive, instead of being asexual and frigid, like I was for years. Even though I don't really like the term frigid, I think I was, because I could be quite cold towards my OH. I was not always affectionate enough, but now I try to make up for that, as I realise how important it really is.

Really hope the nights sleep has helped put a new perspective on things for you. xx

18

I adore him, I think maybe he loves me but is too stressed to show me, like he's too busy, I don't know, we haven't been having sex much recently either, part of me things he's just tired and stressed, part of me thinks he just doesn't love me anymore.

i know I'm emotionally demanding, I need love, and we're both stressed and I just don't feel wanted.

I'm deffinitely getting my implant out, I knew when I started bleeding I was going to get bad and I have since it started I've been constantly feeling like crap.

We're just going through a rough patch and I know when we get through this we'll be amazing I should hopefully pass my driving test so OH will be under less stress and then it's Christmas and we have a mini break planned, it's just hard ATM

19

Sorry to hear this, but I don't think it's a case of you need to be better at all. Maybe a nice day out together or something like that would maybe do you both the world of good somthing to take your minds off money and just enjoy each others company and remember when people are stressed and in arguments things get said that people do not mean.

Hope you get everything sorted.
X

20

Thanks luv bunny, I didn't even realise what I said with the bucket thing, but it clearly hurt him, then he started acting defensive and like you said cut me off and retreated into his cave, it's so frustrating, like how are we meant to fix this if you wont talk? He does do a lot for me and I say thankyou all the time but emotionally he hasn't really been there lately. I do try and help with the company, but there's only so much u can do, sometimes I spend days working constantly sometimes I'm just passing him stuff as he works, recently it's been the latter which isn't helping either of us, but I'm too busy with uni to sit there working full time.

im gonna ring the doctor now to see if I can get in today and have it out