He hates me

Sex Tips & Talk
21

Yep, that whole bucket thing sounds like something that would happen between me and OH. And yes, I get the whole 'why won't you talk to me, goddammit!' thing so often, it's not funny. But sometimes the more I try to push him to talk, the more he retreats into his 'cave' so I think you really just have to leave them to it for a while. Maybe just give his shoulders a rub, to let him know you care, then walk away, and do something else to take your mind off your differences.

I feel like my OH isn't always there emotionally, but in some ways I do not give him enough credit. He can be extremely emotional at times. I've seen him cry several times. I've even been the one to make him cry, once or twice, which leaves me feeling totally awful. But then I've cried over him too.

Usually I make him cry because I'm having a bad patch, and he feels powerless to help me when I go in self-destruct mode. Luckily that's not happened in a while, but I reckon the Staind song, It's Been A While, could be written about me, sometimes!

It does sound like a break away somewhere will do you both the world of good. Things will get back to how they were. We all have ups and downs, but you know when it's the real thing. And you will do anything to keep it...

22

Young and fun, every relationship has little arguments but i think you are reading way too much into this.

we occassionally have an argument over something trivial, or something quite big. What usually happens is we both give each other space and then later on we make up and its forgotten about. My husband hates talking about things in the heat of the moment as that causes more arguing and blame. Once the dust has settled we can both talk it through rationally and hear each others point of view.

It sounds to me like you and your oh had a trivial misunderstanding about a bucket, and then you overanalysed it and then kept pushing him to talk when he wanted a bit of chill time.

i agree that communication is vital in a relationship, but people also need to know that sometimes its better to let things cool a bit before talking about it rather than prolonging an argument and causing more hurt and rift.

23

Thanks Audrianna, we do have days out and it really helps but only while we're out, the same with mini breaks, once we get back to real life it just comes down on us.

I GET MY IMPLANT OUT TODAY

24

I think you guys are right, we just had a little chat and he said he didn't want to keep talking about it because he didn't want to argue, whereas I see it as we need to talk about it otherwise well just carry on feeling shit, I guess it's how we've grown up, we've seen different ways of relationships going sour, his parents "debate" about every little thing and he hates it so doesn't like talking about problems, whereas mine would hold everything in until they exploded so I need to talk about everything. I do read too much into things p, but so does he, so it starts as one little thing as just spirals out control, it started with me struggling with a heavy bucket and ended with him hating me for not contributing enough!

Rang the doctors and she gave me an appointment to have my implant out today, we're gonna use condoms and cycle monitoring, if either don't work I'll get a contraceptive cap. But no hormones ever again :D

25

Young and fun95 wrote:

Thanks Audrianna, we do have days out and it really helps but only while we're out, the same with mini breaks, once we get back to real life it just comes down on us.

I GET MY IMPLANT OUT TODAY

So pleased you're getting it out! You'll feel so much better without all the hormones raging around, that will make a huge difference to you.

Men are completley different creatures. I don't think they like confrontation as they feel it is a dig at them, whereas I think women like to get it all out in the open and get it sorted. At least this is my experience any way.

Once you're off your hormones you'll feel better and be able to think better. I'm going to the docs Monday to get my pill changed/quit because last night I had a full blown argument at my OH because he was snoring at 1:30am. I think it makes the little things seem a whole lot worse than they actually are.

Try romaning him a little, take his mind off things, surprise him with his favourite meal and a massage to help destress him and take his mind off things. It could be a pride thing too, he doesn't want to seem like he is "failing you" because he is worried about providing for his woman. My guy is exactly the same. Money is always in the back of his head.

Hope you feel better hun for getting your implant out and feel like your usual self. Big hugs and here if you need anything x

26

Yay, great you can get the implant removed so soon. Ugh, hate hormones, they turn me into a bitch at my ToM.

agree with Sugarboobs about men not liking confrontation...yes they do feel like they are being picked on. They don't see it as clearing the air, they see it as having their flaws rubbed in their nose.

Definitely romance him, with his fave dinner, massage, helping him get things organised. Men like being taken care of by their women! 😉

27

Totally agree about us going a bout problems in different ways, they eat at me and I have to get it off my chest whereas he likes to pretend it doesn't exist.

i never understand where we stand with money, he earns ALOT, he didn't when we met, and he was crazy stressed about money, we lived in his office for a while, and he said not long ago that if we met now he'd be concerned about my intentions, but because I loved him when he had nothing I've kind of proven myself, then he says this about me asking him for money (it was £1 for the bus, he gave me a £5 note and I gave him it back that night) and every so often he mentions that he's stressed bout money but his bank is full, I fee like he tells me different things depending on his mood.

I think I'll make him his favourite meal tonight and treat him to a massage, he's working late so he'll be stressed.

I think seeing that this low mood started and has continued with my light bleeding has made me feel certain that it's related, I think it was the same last time I had a bout of this. That's the thing, it comes in bouts then I'm fine. Can't wait to at least rule it out move forward, really hoping it solves our problems though, he's never known me without it but it wasn't so bad at the start, it's only in this last year that I've been getting longer periods of bleeding and low mood, it'd only last a day or two at the start with months in between, maybe it's ready for removing anyway and that's part of the problem. It's set to last until June and some people have kept them in longer with no problem, I'm only a bit overweight but maybe it's just a dud or my body's catching on, dunno, but excited to feel free :)

Thanks for all your help guys, I'm feeling a bit better now, I was terrified he was leaving last night and I thought I was going to end up back like I used to be. I'd told him that I used to sniff lighter gas and I think it bothered him, I didn't know it was a drug it just relaxed me and was part of my self-harm thing, when I was crying I explained that to him and I think he understood

28

Young and fun95 wrote:

Totally agree about us going a bout problems in different ways, they eat at me and I have to get it off my chest whereas he likes to pretend it doesn't exist.

i never understand where we stand with money, he earns ALOT, he didn't when we met, and he was crazy stressed about money, we lived in his office for a while, and he said not long ago that if we met now he'd be concerned about my intentions, but because I loved him when he had nothing I've kind of proven myself, then he says this about me asking him for money (it was £1 for the bus, he gave me a £5 note and I gave him it back that night) and every so often he mentions that he's stressed bout money but his bank is full, I fee like he tells me different things depending on his mood.

I think I'll make him his favourite meal tonight and treat him to a massage, he's working late so he'll be stressed.

I think seeing that this low mood started and has continued with my light bleeding has made me feel certain that it's related, I think it was the same last time I had a bout of this. That's the thing, it comes in bouts then I'm fine. Can't wait to at least rule it out move forward, really hoping it solves our problems though, he's never known me without it but it wasn't so bad at the start, it's only in this last year that I've been getting longer periods of bleeding and low mood, it'd only last a day or two at the start with months in between, maybe it's ready for removing anyway and that's part of the problem. It's set to last until June and some people have kept them in longer with no problem, I'm only a bit overweight but maybe it's just a dud or my body's catching on, dunno, but excited to feel free :)

Thanks for all your help guys, I'm feeling a bit better now, I was terrified he was leaving last night and I thought I was going to end up back like I used to be. I'd told him that I used to sniff lighter gas and I think it bothered him, I didn't know it was a drug it just relaxed me and was part of my self-harm thing, when I was crying I explained that to him and I think he understood

Omg, when you said you wanted to get your lighter out last night, I was wondering if we'd have to call the fire brigade...imagine that...me calling up Lovehoney and saying get the emergency services out to Y&F's place now! Whoops!

But in a more serious note, don't get your lighter out if and when you have another spat.

Money makes people do strange things...it's not just about making the money...it's what the money makes you too! Macklemore has it so right!

29

Haha! If I can't live here no one can!

Yeah money's strange, I don't really value money, I don't have nice designer stuff or go on extravagant days out or meals out. But I am dependant on him for the house and stuff, but then I've bought him a week in Scotland, a weekend survival course and tickets to Creamfields, if I didn't get them things he wouldn't because he's too busy to plan it, so like I do make up for my shortfalls, the reason I'm skint ATM is because of the car so I could come home, and because I've spent 2000 on his anniversary, birthday and Christmas since October, but I obviously can't tell him that :/

I said last night while I was crying "I'm dependant on you now but in 40 years you'll be dependant on me" and I think it actually sank in, he's 22 years older so I'll be working later than him, I'll be pushing him round in a wheelchair for years lol

30

+ you'll be bringing the money in whilst he is on his pension !

I think this is just a case of a domestic and all it needs are perhaps 3 little words " I am sorry"

I am pretty confident that you'll both sort this out and move on together as if nothing had happened .

That's life i suppose .

31

So the implants out and I already feel miles better having done something about it, thanks guys

32

Young and fun95 wrote:

So the implants out and I already feel miles better having done something about it, thanks guys

Woop! How are things this evening?

33

We had a lovely evening, all is good :) thanks for your help guys

34

Young and fun95 wrote:

We had a lovely evening, all is good :) thanks for your help guys

Yay, glad to hear things better already! Happy to help too, you give some really good advice in other threads, (even if it's not what the OP wants to hear!) so that has not gone unnoticed hun.

35

Aw thanks luv bunny :) I think I just needed to talk through it to understand what was happening, you've all been brilliant

I'm so glad I've got my implant out and it should help lose weight too

OH said earlier that at least we know what it'll be like when I'm pregnant lol

36

Glad everything looking up young and fun x

37

Young and fun95 wrote:

I just don't know guys. I know he isn't doing it maliciously but I just don't feel loved anymore, I feel like a hindrance, like I'm just in the way.

He came up to bed and I was crying, we had a bit of a talk but when he's upset he just cuts off, whereas I need to be close, he did eventually cuddle me. He said he was just trying to help but I felt like he was making out I couldn't do anything (I was holding a bucket and he tried to help so I said I'm not a retard I know how to hold a bucket) I think I'm projecting my low self worth onto him, I think I'm worthless so he must too. He said something about I could leave but he can't because he's stuck here, sounded like he meant because I live with him I'm trapping him because he can't leave me. I dunno, he says I think too much.

i understand where this has come from, it used to feel fair what we were doing, before he met me he never had clean clothes or a hot meal or breakfast or even a home, our current situation is a bit difficult because I haven't passed my driving test so he's driving me to uni and I'm so busy with uni I'm not getting much done in the house. He really doesn't understand how stressed I am, I know he's stressed so I make a massive effort to de stress him in the evening but he does nothing like that for me.

i still have my implant and a couple of weeks ago I noticed a bit of bleeding and thought I'd be getting a bit emotional and I have since it started, been paranoid and everything, I need it out.

WOW girl you sound like you have soooo much on your plate! And I found myself being astounded at how familiar the things you said about him cutting off when upset, that he was "trying" to help too (that thing with the bucket, sounds like he was just intefeering and not letting you handle what ever your were doing - thus no trust). I'm getting this feel that he belittles you in a very subconcious way, underminds you.

I have had the same experiance and just recently got out of that relationship. There was a lot of this underlying resentment and overly complicated issues. That even though he loved me more than I him, he still treated me like a kid sometimes. There was just not enough respect and trust there, and I had to leave. Somehow I believe that love - even in the long run - should not be this difficult and dragging. That it should be more of a team supporting each other, and seeing the good in each other, no matter what.

I know how difficult it is when you love someone and it's unberable to let them go.

But, if you see some hope and things start to improve - communication wise - perhaps stick to it,as you love himvery much.

But it really sounds to me bit by bit from what you are saying that he doesn't care for you the same level as you do to him.

I feel like he's resentful of whatever burden he thinks in his head, rather than discuss it with you as a team and try to work it out together, he shuts you out. It's very one sided.

I believe that if a person was to truelly love the other, those kind of issues wouldn't arrise. As they'd be trying to make the relationship work (and you are doing it) as appose to slide to nothingness - which is where I think this could head if nothing would improve .

ONLY YOU can decide what is right for you, what you are willing to tolerate. Oh and I nearly forgot!!! You are NOT WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!!! I know your struggles as I'm going through very similar things, but you have to believe in some good of yourself. Otherwise you will attract negativity and sorrow into your life without you even knowing it. It's all about a bit of self respect.

It means, not being treated like you don't matter and only a burden.

You can do better.

All the best and good luck