Just joined. Always been a passionate lover, open to exploring new things and was feeling very comfortable in my own body.
This changed. After an intense relationship of two years where my partner was making me feel like I was too weird, too crazy, too forward (we had amazing sex life, yet I was questioned on everything based on my sexual confidence etc).
I thought that at times my men felt intimidated by my assumed experience and… should I maybe not be so forward? So with the next guy I fell over heels for…
I just didn’t want to appear this way. I ended up having vanilla sex, not giving head and being unable to speak about things I like. Wait… what things do I like? I act like a nun!
What I found is the longer you don’t go down on someone the harder it gets. I developed some sort of bj anxiety!
Hello everyone and tips welcome for getting out of vanilla rut with the new one
Welcome, I can relate. You dull yourself down. I feel like a nun since having kids because we went so long without. We stopped touching each other, kissing and got into a dull rut. I’m not sure I can help with the bj anxiety. Though I have my husband his first one in 3 years last weekend. I just went for it, and to my surprise really enjoyed it and got off on it.
Hello, firstly welcome to the forum
Are you still currently with this 2nd guy who you had been having vanilla sex with?
I have defiantly slept with guys and felt like I has to file it down and be bit more vanilla with as I was scared I would scare them off or make them feel intimidated.
It’s important you are having sex that you enjoy and that you are sexually open to your partner. Maybe try slowly adding elements of your old sex like into the relationship like introducing toys or trying different positions.
Did you end up not giving head because he didn’t like head or because you didn’t want to give him head?
The first time I have a BJ I was petrified I was going to do it wrong but them I practiced with my first boyfriend and got more comfortable. After that relationship ended and I took a break from sex and relationships I became anxious again that I was going to do it wrong to wasn’t going to be good enough. It’s important to vocalise these things to your partner and maybe ask them to instruct you through this. After a few times all the anxiety was gone and I completely forgot about ever being nervous about it in the first place.
Just some recommendations from mew but feel free to keep up updated and feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to (this is one of the things I love about this forum, how open everyone can be!) xx
Welcome @Selfcarer
I know its easier said then done sometimes but you can start simple and use a toy or light bondage to begin with.
Maybe ask what he would like to do etc.
I can understand how you must feel but one day you will be back to your old self and the lucky guy are with will think hes died and gone to sex heaven
Hi Sophie01! Glad I’m not the only one using the ‘I am like a virgin’ tactic . I definitely didn’t want to scare him off but I guess it gets harder with time as we both assume that the other is maybe not wanting to try more things (I think that’s what happened initially)
I am still with the second one - got together again after some time apart. It took me a long time to give him head, initially I didn’t do it as I didn’t want to scare him off (all forum members with penises here is a question: CAN A BJ SCARE YOU OFF?!), at that point he wasn’t going down on me either so I didn’t want to be the first one but more from the point of not wanting to be easy because I would totally have fantasies about giving him head.
I then started getting thoughts like he must have a germ phobia or he doesn’t find me attractive. Obviously it didn’t help!
I feel that he was attempted some communication. When we slept with each other first time he asked me what I liked but I pretty much laughed saying “everything” and not being specific. He gave me kind of the the same answer without being specific. I’m looking for suggestions what I should do next time I ask and he tells me he likes everything ! fist his butt as a joke?
I can’t wait to go down on him again. He asked me recently if I had any toys, I think he wanted to know a bit more! Ordered my first vibe and told him - he already seemed turned on by the idea
I’m so glad that you are now more comfortable, and it sounds like communication between you two is so much better. I awakes find that when I tell I guy I’m sleeping with about new toys it gets them really turned on too!!
Some great advice given ready. Dont panic. Everyone goes through what they perceive as a ‘dry spell’ or a rut and it’s not always easy to share concerns and talk to partners- I’ve been there myself.
Take things a step at a time and don’t rush or try and dive in to anything. Trying just one thing new or different every now and then let’s you get comfortable with the idea of new stuff. Look at it as a marathon, not a sprint.
@Selfcarer Could always go down on him while hes asleep or just waking up. Never heard of a guy getting angry for being woke up that way lol.
Hes probably trying to coax you out of your shell because the walls you have put up give him the idea you arent very experienced etc
welcome to the forum
love it 
. I definitely didn’t want to scare him off but I guess it gets harder with time as we both assume that the other is maybe not wanting to try more things (I think that’s what happened initially)
