Hi all.
Me and my partner have been discussing our fantasies, and he has made me aware that he would like be be dominated.
As a submissive Female by nature im really struggling. i dont know what to do, and how i would go about it.
Can anyone give me any tips or tricks on this please..
We are both open minded and are willing to try most things, so any advice is really appreciated.
Many Thanks
K
id start by getting blindfolds, restraints and maybe a little wine for dutch courage if youre nervous. leather is a must...
It's not about how you dress so don't think you have to get all fitted up in a catsuit with killer boots but more about taking control away from your oh. Simple things like tying him down so he can't touch you but you can tease the hell out of him. Even making him do the things you want him to do to you before he gets any reward. From there it will lead to more at a pace that is nice for you both. Then get the catsuit and killer boots;)
A book recommendation (no shame in buying a kinky instruction book to mentally digest at your leissure!): http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=1648
The best advice I can give is don't break character. If you want to be in charge then remain in charge; from the moment you both enter the bedroom, to the moment you leave it. Don't worry about the 'image' or props, etc. Start small, make sure you're having fun. If you're submissive in your nature you may not enjoy it, so be sure to keep talking to each other.
There's a phrase "topping from the bottom", which is to say if he's ultimately driving your Dom/Sub play, yet asking you to be "in charge" then something will feel shallow or amiss.
@orc
You are so right about the booze, same applies to drugs if any kind, even poppers
you didn't need much in the ways of toys to begin with
You could start by making him stand absolutely still while you enjoy yourself teasing him. (Cumming is absolutely against the rules).
Set a fairly short time limit to begin with and increase it each time as you gain in confidence
If he doesn't obey then firmly bend him over your lap and spank him
Should read don't not didn't.
Can't use quote or edit boxes on ipad
Ork wrote:
englishgent wrote:
id start by getting blindfolds, restraints and maybe a little wine for dutch courage if youre nervous. leather is a must...
No offense but I disagree, blindfolds. restraints yes, dutch courage or booze in general should never be mixed with BDSM, especially when your just starting out, also leather is a steryotype, any dom worth the title doesn't need fancy clothe's or equipment.
But leather is totally awesome! But no not a must.
I advise talking about it and setting strict limit's, a safe word and both sub and dom can use said safe word at any time to bring a halt to play. Also a common mistake is to change the rules mid play, while someone is "high" or whatever on pleasure never change the orignal agreed limits, doing so could lead to a lot of issues.
Fair point!
Read a book by Mistress Chloe. Dominatrix I think it is called, I don't have it to hand. Available on Amazon. Very informative. ;-)
Dominatrix a Memoir; The Making of Mistress Chole. 1p on Amazon.
Thanks everyone, We have dabbled in toys and restraints, from dildos, butt plugs and wands to under bed restraints ball gags and blind folds.
But being equal in it was fine, but i feel like ive been put under alot of pressure to plan and perform. i really dont have alot of self confidence, i hate my body and how i look. (after two kids stretch marks and flabby belly are not attractive to me :( )
Im not a bossy person either, i never tell people what to do and certainly not one for name calling, as i said above, im a sub by nature and kinda set in my ways.
Is there a way i can change this, i dont get pleasure from being in control. i really want to give this a good shot as its his fantisy and i want him to be able fullfill it with him. but as you can see im in a pickle.
Thanks again.
K
Sound advice from Ork. It doesn't sound like being the boss is your thing, and that's fine. You shouldn't feel bad about it. The reality is that if you're submissive too, you're going to find this tough. Feeling pressured into anything is bad. Particularly if you're being pressured to do something that doesn't come naturally to you.
Out of all the things you've tried, who suggested them? (the retraints, the plugs, the gags, etc). If he did, then ultimately he's driving his fantasy at the expense of your confidence. My personal advice, and I make no claims to be an expert in any sense so this is opinion, is to reign it back. Start over, and start smaller. Forget the toys, or the mental image he may have of what a 'dominatrix', and work out what you enjoy.
A common theme of Dom/Sub play is that, ultimately, the Sub is there for the Dom's pleasure. What's your favourite thing that he can do to you to make you orgasm? The next time you go into the bedroom for kink have him do that. Ideally it should be something that puts his own sexual gratification to one side to focus on yours, such as cunnilingus. If he doesn't really like doing it then even better. Instruct him confidently. Make sure he does exactly what you want, and how you want it. If he's driving the sex, slow him down. Stop him. Just start small; take your sex life, but you steer. If you're feeling confident enough after a few sessions, introduce a little something else. If you're stuck for ideas i'm sure the lovely people on here can offer ideas when you're ready.
The problem you're facing at the moment isn't one of which toys to use, what knot types or ideas for scenes to perform, it's to simply be comfortable in the role you've considered adopting. Get that right and the rest will fall into place.
"i really dont have alot of self confidence, i hate my body and how i look."
It's really hard to truely like yourself nowadays. Just remember how you see yourself and how your OH sees you are often worlds apart. I know above I said ignore the outfits, etc, but if dressing up helps with your confidence then you should consider it. Not for his fantasy, but for yourself.
The way I started off with my OH should be tame enough for you and for him to feel dominated too :)
Get a chair and tell him to sit down, doesnt have to be forceful or shouting but your still instructing him, which he will find hot. Then blindfold him, BAM, self concious issues gone. Now it's all about senses. Walk around the chair, in high heels is great but bare foot if you dont want to, and just have him anticipate your next move, because he cannot see you.
Now If you've experimented quite a lot where you take it from here is up to you, but he's awaiting your every move.
I handcuffed from OHs hands behind the chair and teased him with my tongue for a while. But intermitently so he didnt know where I would be next - as he could not see. I didn't shout or command him but teased him, almost giggling at him that he had no idea what I was going to do next.
Getting toys and running them up his legs, he won't know what they are or what you're going to do with them! making him kiss your boobs - no force involved here, you can soft talk to him to instruct him if needs be.
Even though its all slow and may seem vanilla, you're still taking the power away from him :)
and so I have been told, sex while the guy is blindfolded enhances his pleasure greatly ;)
This one is so simple, noone can tell you what to buy or try in this dept. All he has told you is that he wants to be dominated, yet being dominated has so many different meanings and there are so many ways in which to be dominated. I say however it is so simple because you both are up for trying new things and clearly dont have a problem with communication, so just try to get him to elaberate on "being dominated" and find out exactly what he wants from it.
Can i just add i love to be dominated and pegged by my wife and i am not into bondage or leather. I love lace and bows and frillys and prefer to be dominated in a nice way not shouted at or anything lol. To me it is a massive stereotype to assume you'll be into leather and catsuits if you want to be dominated, as i say being dominated has so many angles and you need to find out what his is. And if he doesnt know just watch some Femdom porn and you'll see there are a lot of ways of doing things in the Dom world. Good luck. Im sure you will be amazing. X
For me, being dominated is about giving total control to my wife. Being tied down, blindfolded and gagged (any combination of the above) is a turn on. Start off simple, you don't need to use any toys. Seeing him squirm will give you more confidence!
You say you don't like your body, my wife says the same (after 3 kids) but I love her body, I am sure he does too!
Thanks Guys,
Ive tried a couple of times now, which wasnt great, my OH said it was ok,
but i just feel akward and freeze up.
I tried the blind fold and all tht so i know he couldnt see me. but it still just feels so un-natural to me.
i cant get into the swing of things, its just not me and not really a great turn on.
Any advice?????
dribbling-mess wrote:
Thanks Guys,
Ive tried a couple of times now, which wasnt great, my OH said it was ok,
but i just feel akward and freeze up.
I tried the blind fold and all tht so i know he couldnt see me. but it still just feels so un-natural to me.
i cant get into the swing of things, its just not me and not really a great turn on.
Any advice?????
If you are naturally a submissive, you will find it hard to adjust to being a dominant. Outside of the bedroom I am a submissive which means I find it very difficult giving orders in the workplace and speaking on phones, unfortnately I have to suck it up and do it anyway! This should not be the case for you.
Obviously you love your OH enough to try it for him, thats a start. Have you watched any videos containing domination to get an idea? I know alcohol has been suggested and also poo pooed but I find if i have just a small bit it can help me (slightly) lose all my inhibitions and take the edge off.
If all else fails, speak to your OH, tell them you dont feel natural or comfortable doing it. If your OH is also submissive, perhaps you should ask them to dominate you so they know what you are feeling?
The Mistress Manual is a good book, by Mistress Lorelei or something like that, it's for sale on Lh, have a quick search. This might help you understand the mindset a little more?
I'm a sub by nature but have been discovering lately that I can actually switch, altho it's still a learning curve for me that I struggle with.
I try to reverse the thinking, as an example, a good 'friend' of mine is in the Army and I love sending him naughty texts at inappropriate times knowing it makes him squirm (in a good way), as a sub my thinking is that I am just sending him pics I know he likes, whereas as a domme, my thinking is I am teasing/torturing him making him hard when he can do nothing about it, so I am controlling his cock, not him, if that makes sense?
When I'm with a guy, I love receiving oral, in a sub mindset, I'm letting him do it cos he likes it, the fact I get pleasure is a bonus, whereas in a domme mind set, I am making him do it to me, because I like it and I don't care if he does or not, cos it's about what I need not him, the act is the same, the language can vary, but it's the mind that controls it...
As has been said, ask him what he means, it can mean something so very different to everyone. A guy I knew wanted the full works, the dressing up, the verbal abuse, doing exactly as I told him etc, another guy I know is on the more femme end of being a male sub and wasn't interested in any bondage type stuff, he likes being verbally humiliated, so he tells me... There is such a spectrum and far better to explore tentatively together than to assume what he wants.
It will take time, and you will have many internal wranglings but is possible to turn it on every now and then once you remove the pressure to perform, so to speak...
Good luck
Hi!
My boyfriend loves wearing lingere and has expressed a desire for pegging, he keeps a strap on at his home and plays with myself - but is yet to try it.
I have a fairly 'vanilla' sexual past and would say I am submissive by nature but through experience more than desire. I love the idea of being dominant and I want to get into it.
The slight problem I'm having at the moment is he is holding all the cards, he has the toys and the experience and I find that when he broaches the subject in (a very well intented) 'educational' way. It's a massive turn off. I'm turned on by the empowerment of it, yes I like to see him pleasured, but I want to feel pleasure in it too.
I'm doing lots of research on becoming a mistress, it's so exciting! But I need some advice on how to handle my man...
This morning I woke up to another 'could you do this?' pegging video, instead of avoiding it (not because I don't want to do it, it just turns me off when he asks!) I sent a msg back saying 'Of course baby, when you've been a good boy' then I told him what I wanted him to do when he got home, I also said he needed to 'bring me my strap-on'
He was into it until I told him he had to part with his toy...he responded to that asking if we needed potatoes..
I see from the previous messages that a stubborn sub is a fun thing to have, but as a newbie mistress I'm not sure how to manage it. Whilst I'm enjoying it, I feel as though I'm still trying at the role at the moment - and I think he could knock my confidence if he is resistant to sub in the beginning.
Any tips?
Yes try and get a book . You will find that is not just a case of " I am going to be the domminant" its a whole psyche thing as well . If you get a book you will see what I mean .
The mistress manual as someone recommended to me is possible a good book.
Sex tips from a Dominatrix is one my Mrs is reading as I want her to be able to switch with me sometimes.
If its just a one off thing you want to try then do it in a form of a roleplay . Any dominant role such as Head Mistress Police Cop or even a dominatrix in a dungeon scene could be done For the latter .Black undies are the order of the day for you and perhaps armed with a riding crop to hit him into shape. If I was you I would secretly build up this collection and surprise him one evening.
JUst make sure everything you have planned is within your known boundaries though. For example if you plan on giving him a spanking with say a beginners riding crop , you must already have this option within your boundaries .
Thanks for your reply, and don't get me wrong - I'm too submissive naturally to think it's just going to 'happen' - and I want it to be right for both of us.
I've just bought The Mistress Manual, and I work away alternate weeks, so I am going to experiment alone to establish my comfort levels and boundaries with toys. I think it's best in the meantime to take things slow and work on that psyche.
Whilst he's told me he wants to be dominated by me. I just feel at the moment that he is accustomed to this being his own, private kink and I'm not certain how to communicate with him positively that if he wants me to become part of it, he needs to give it up a touch (does that make sense?)
Am I being unfair in wanting to take posession of his strap on? I'd like some time to get used to it on in my own space and I'd like him to go without it for a week so he's excited for my return...
If he doesn't bring it to me this evening, I'd like to spank him (lightly for now) - is this a good idea?
We talk a lot and we are open and honest with one another, but I feel as though the 'unknown' element of it all when we talk at the moment is making me unnecessarily nervous, so I'd like to start putting words into action for myself more than anything. I'm just not sure what I'm doing right now!