My wife and I have been married for 11 years and on many fronts we are still very compatible, but two things that I really enjoy/find important have slipped away almost entirely.
The first (and most predictably for on here) is the physical intimacy in terms of both frequency and intensity. Physical intimacy is one of my primary love languages and with the higher drive I use toys on days when she is not in the mood, which I see as fair. The problem now is I exclusively cum this way and feel so undesirable.
The deep conversations are more as I have grown/developed as a person ina direction that is really uncomfortable for her and creates an ever growing distance.
First step is to talk about it but just wonder if I am expecting too much?
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That would be too much compromise for me and I would leave the relationship if talking didn’t improve things.
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As a woman with a higher sex drive (and married 11 years too), i do understand how too much sex toy use can leave you feeling undesirable. Sex toys are great to “cap off” the need for sex and intimacy, but they are a terrible substitute. Fortunately we do still have sex, just less often than what we used to.
But the lack of deep conversation is a big problem and is a problem that, sadly, is much harder to fix as you can’t force your wife to have deep conversations with you. How are you socially? Do you have other friends you can talk to about your interests?
I also want you to know that no, you are not expecting “too much”. You have every right to feel desired and appreciated in a relationship. You deserve to feel desired and appreciated, we all do 
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We’ve been married for around 10 years and I frequently use toys on myself too.
I find we usually have to be more intentional with our sexy time, plan it ahead of time, mention ideas for what we want to do, etc.
We still go fancy, do wild stuff, tie each other up or use all sorts of wild toys or whatever…but that’s more so with communication, proper planning and timing, and if the stars allign and our tiny humans don’t wake up screaming, ha ha
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Thanks for this 
I’ve been patient with the anxiety things but I’ve suggested counselling or other things to try and sort it and years have gone by with no change.
This paired with the lack of deep conversation puts our current arrangements closer to room mates than spouse
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Thanks for sharing your experiences 
always appreciate when people open up with their own stories!
I’ve tried the talking piece but the anxiety paired with the fact her family don’t do that mean that what used to work, I have outgrown.
We are away for a few days so thinking that will be a good chance to say how I’m feeling.
My concern with the intimacy is early in the relationship, she would have sex with me but would cry because she didn’t want to and took so long to admit it. I would hate to be back there because that made me feel like a horrible person.
Because I’ve gone back to exploring myself and realising how much I have neglected my passion for sex and exploring, I think this will be too far for her
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Thanks sharing your experience too it means a lot to me!
So open dialogue with sex is really difficult because I never used to be confident/open enough to talk about what I wanted but can now do that. She is still very insecure and doesn’t do well with normal conversation, let alone about deep intimate issues.
She is happy enough with sex once a month (sometimes longer) where I could easily have it daily and feel really undesired.
I have asked the question that maybe I’ve become less attractive etc in case it’s me. The words always say no but sadly no action ever reinforces that message.
Even if she was playing on her own and just needed to build up to sex would give me more hope but there is none of that either
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Getting away is always good. One of my biggest regrets in life is that we used to go away with my family and share a bedroom wall with them - talk about a passion killer! 
I can understand why that would make you feel horrible, but really her failing to communicate is on her as much as it’s on you - if you’ve provided her with a safe and open space to talk, there’s nothing more you can do. Has something happened in her past that has made sex so aboherent for her? It’s not for us to know of course, but a history of abuse/SA can lead to a lack of a desire for sex, and would be my first thought. Ultimately if she won’t communicate then you can’t know, but refusing to talk about why she’s not up for sex is bound to leave you with more questions than answers, and is unfair on you. You can’t live a life being denied intimacy just so she can be comfortable without it. You’re human, and you have wants and needs too.
How about if sne writes you a letter/email/text so she doesn’t have to look at you directly when she tells you (not the best form of communication I do realise)? At least you would know then, instead of leaving you guessing and going out of your mind.
Unfortunately I do empathise with you, and it led to us opening up our marriage because it gave me more freedom to explore my sexual wants and needs, without leaving my husband. However, it’s hard if not impossible to take such a step if even basic communication is off of the cards, and may not even be something you want anyway.
I wish you the very best, and I hope your situation improves soon
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So she did say that there was something that happened in the past, but hasn’t told me what in over 10 years, so not like I’ve not been understanding or patient. I did say it doesn’t have to be said face to face i.e. can be written or whatever is easiest for her to make it more comfortable but never came forward.
So she did talk about opening it up, my initial response was she’d rather me sleep with someone else than fix it? She took a few days and said she’s glad we didn’t go to an open marriage but I suspect this will come back up.
Thanks so much for your advice, it’s what I needed to hear
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I’ll admit it was definitely difficult talking about sexuality openly. Its one of those weird cultural taboos. What ultimately got us to that point was when we started thinking about having kids. We realized that sex would obviously have to take a backseat but we still wanted to advocate for our own pleasure. We had a few open conversations about pleasure and sex before then but trying for kids kinda made it more of a priority for us.
…Obviously this is not an ideal circumstance and I’d recommend having those awkward conversations well before, ha ha.
Conversations about sex our our own pleasure are always awkward. You don’t want to appear as a hedonistic freak, but you also don’t want to discount your own or your partner’s pleasure. It’s well worth it though. Its fun to be able to plan for nights to do something extra special, or learning what each of us likes. Its also fun to discover your own likes.
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See I’d be up for that, before I never wanted to plan it as this felt forced and unnatural but now I see it very differently and could actually be part of the fun and anticipation build.
So because I am more of a hedonist than her, is surpressed a lot of my desires in order to try and encourage her. I’ve now realised that they are important to me so need to have the hard conversation because I deserve it
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For her to just not say anything for ten years, ignore your efforts for open communication and deny your wants and needs is really not on. I don’t like ultimatums in relationships and would only ever advocate for them as a last resort, but in this case I feel that stage has been reached, after all, you’re sacrificing your own mental health for the sake of hers. It’s sweet of you, but it isn’t very noble.
If she’s mentioned opening up, then it may be that she understands how unfair the situation is for you and wants you to be happy too, which is sweet of her. Ethical non-monogamy is not necessarily easy and a lot of people go through a variety of emotions, including shock, regret and guilt. Try to understand that when your wife said that, what she was communicating was that she wants you to be happy too and was probably quite afraid that she isn’t (and won’t be) meeting your needs. It isn’t about you sleeping with someone else, it is about you being happy. In a choice between exploring sexual contact with someone else with your wife’s permission, or not having sexual contact but being/feeling faithful to your wife, which would you prefer? For some people, just having that option is enough to stop them from feeling like they are going without.
That also brings me to another question: what about non-sex sex with someone else? Say mutual masturbation or oral sex? How would she be about you doing those things with someone else (even if you don’t actually have sex with them)? It doesn’t have to be sex - I sense that for you, it’s just a desire to feel desired.
No need to thank me, it’s what we’re here for
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I’ve been in your situation @Rampant_husband and was also told to get it elsewhere.
It hurts so much to not have that cuddle…that skin to skin contact…to feel unwanted…unloved and rejected.
Everyone’s story of how you got there and what the next step forward is will be different.
You’re not alone and hope you can find a way to resolve this in a way that works for you both…
Good Luck
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@Rampant_husband this sounds tough.
We have had some rough patches in our own marriage.
It really sounds like there are some deep issues and trauma to resolve.
Things like that are difficult to work through without professional help.
I think you both need a safe space and a guide / mediator to talk through some challenging questions.
Does she want to work on the relationship and stay together?
What are her trauma issues?
What does intimacy look like to her?
What kind of sex does she think is worth having?
It is possible to regain your sex life, and improve it.
But at some point you need to try different approaches.
There’s an old saying, “if nothing changes, nothing changes”.
Good luck on the journey 
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So last time I let it build up and things come to a head, I was really open about things that I want to try but nothing came of it.
I was laying there last night and realised that I have over rationalised and excuses the behaviour (i.e. I told myself that I can’t expect it every day, and she’s got anxiety that means she has bigger issues than this). I’ve done that silently for years because 8 times out of 10 when I did try and initiate sex, it ended in rejection.
I’m my head I was saying that being a good husband is more important than sex on a day or two, but I have let that grow arms and legs because of the lack of deep conversation
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Thanks for sharing your story. Out of curiosity, did getting it elsewhere improve things for you?
Thanks so much for the well wishes, I do hope it can be resolved but I think I put it off because I can’t say what I want because it’s too far away from what she wants and there was some fear in there.
Will have a talk this week and see how much of that is just my fear
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Thanks for sharing your experiences.
So I did suggest that we go to couples therapy for the sex things but she said there were things she wanted to try first. I believed that and gave her the benefit of the doubt but again let things slide over time.
Since reflecting, I’ve realised that there is such a big part of me that I’ve repressed to be supportive.
For example, intimate messages (not even any kind of physical interaction) were intimidating for her and I was too nervous initially to say how much I enjoy it. Now so much time has passed that I hope it can be resolved but suspect that my growth into sexual confidence is even further away from where we were when even the more vanilla dialogue was a stretch
As someone who has experienced trauma and currently isn’t able to have sex for this reason, I can see both sides of this. How often are you managing to have sex or be intimate? I’m including oral and mutual masturbation in this too!
I would strongly recommend counselling (preferably trauma informed counselling) if she will consider it, not just for the sexual problems but for her own wellbeing. Maybe take sex off the table for a while and work on the rest of your relationship and her wellbeing. Once she is better, sex would be an easier topic to discuss. If it’s trauma related, pushing for more sex will make things worse in the long run.
I know it’s frustrating for you (I’ve been the one with a higher sex drive for a while too) but it sounds like sex isn’t pleasant for her right now and pushing it could be very traumatic for her. Trying new things and being adventurous is likely to be at the bottom of her list of priorities, getting basic intimacy sorted first should probably be the priority. Maybe you could try asking if there is anything that she enjoys and feels comfortable with that you can concentrate on for a while?
That being said, if it’s not trauma related or because of a fear of sex, I can totally see where you are coming from and refusing to talk about it and work on it isn’t fair on you.
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Sorry to hear what you are going through, I hope that this gets better for you soon.
So intimacy in any form is once a month on average. I have suggested non sex intimacy such as oral or even just masturbation but even that is too much apparently. I’ve given that space because I’m aware you cannot force someone to speak or change until they are comfortable or ready to. This is where my habit of suppression has arisen from.
So she has done counselling for her own well being (something I was a huge advocate of) but this was a long time ago and made no real change. This paired with the fact she doesn’t satisfy herself means she just doesn’t have the same desires that I do.
I have asked about her interests or what she wants to explore but this comes with an answer of I don’t know what I wanna try or no real sexual curiosity about trying anything new
Just to add that I too am a survivor of SA, and it’s never put me off of sex in the longer term. Maybe in the shorter term while I recovered from the initial stress of it all, but even then, hugs and snuggles with the man I loved and trusted were a priority for my recovery. To take any intimacy at all off of the table would leave me asking questions too.
I second everything @Kitty-Cat01 says, about trauma-related therapy, and this is where my suggestion for an ultimatum comes in. It’s not about something major happening; it’s about setting a boundary for you. When I thought to suggest it, my head was aaying “if this was me, I’d be saying one month to open up or we talk about opening up”. It does put pressure on her, but then keeping you in a marriage where you feel undesired is clearly putting pressure on you. You could use the same idea: one month to get some sort of therapy or you think again about opening up. She did suggest it, she did effectively dangle the carrot in front of your nose.
One thing, don’t let things boil up. We can end up saying something that hurts if we let things boil up, which can be detrimental to intimacy. I grew up in a home where my parents were always popping at one another, and I swore to myself that it’s the one thing I didn’t want in my marriage. It’s much better to talk about things calmly as and when they come up than let them stew and fester. Even just that little bit of respect and safety can do wonders for your relationship.
Lastly, I inplore you to please, please not give up on yourself and sacrifice your happiness for your marriage. I did that for years, and I regretted it. Kind of unrelated, but I used to slave away with the housework (I was told by my mofher that that was what I was “supposed” to do, irregardless of my own work) and I would end up with knotty, neglected hair, grubby clothes and no energy, only for my husband to disppear to gigs with his friends. I finally put my foot down and told him that he can do more, and also I’m making myself a priority again. I’m happierand healthier), he’s happier and he’s now cleaning more.
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