How much compromise is too much?

Sex Tips & Talk
21

So with ultimatums I’ve never gone that route based on the fact that she used to have sex to appease me and she really didn’t want to, that makes me feel absolutely vile once I knew.

Interestingly I also came from a very explosive/volatile household where anger and things were present. That is probably primarily why I avoid fights because I spent a lot of my childhood in that environment which was not a good place to be.
I’ve gone too far the other way though where I am not speaking my mind because I don’t want to end up there (understand that ironically that is probably how you get there).
This translates through into our relationship with her family, they are so bolshy that we both keep the peace because family is important. I’ve stopped seeing them much (because they really do not talk about deep things so if I open up, then I suspect it would cause HUGE problems)

Well I my plan is to say that something needs to change because I can’t carry on this way. That way she can decide if she would rather sort these things, open up the marriage, or maybe realise that this is too far for us.

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22

Do you have non sexual intimacy? Cuddles & kisses? Touches when you pass each other? Do you go on dates? Do you feel loved? If all of that is a yes, then theres hope that even if you did open the marriage, that you’ll survive it.

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23

Non sexual intimacy - this has gone away, don’t cuddle anymore and the only kiss is a goodbye to work.

We do love each other, but without the above the it feels like love more than in love if that makes sense?

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24

The one thing to keep in mind with my ultimatums idea is that it’s not about pressuring her to have sex, it’s about pressuring her just enough to help you move forward. I understand that having a partner who has sex sith you just to please you must be a terrible feeling, but feeling undesired can’t be too pleasant either? You deeerve the reprieve from thinking and feeling that it is you, and it does not make you a terrible person for wanting that.

I avoid fights too, but understand this: not everyone wants to fight you anyway. Some people in life want fights because they’re fighting within themselves, or because they’ve had unhealthy relationship patterns modelled to them and they believe “that’s just how it’s supposed to be”. Not everyone is or does. I had a poly ex like this, and despite my best efforts at trying to get him to resoect me, he refused because he didn’t believe he had to. He had to lose what he had in order to realise what he’d lost. You can’t teach people how to behave, but you can show them how you behave and hope they will treat you the same.

Please don’t be afraid to assert yourself, calmly and respectfully. Actually, a funny story, but my family fears me now because I’m not someone who will fly off of the handle like they do, instead I say my piece with laser point precision and then I stick to it. I don’t yell and shout, I don’t feel the need to, but once I’ve decided something, it’s very hard to get me to change my mind. They know that too, so they back off while I’m still willing to cooperate.

Your relationship with her family sounds a lot like ours with mine. I love my father-in-law, so much so he is “Dad No Two” to me. I don’t like to say that my mother and brother are “toxic” or “narcissistic”, but, well, you know. If we don’t have to be involved with them then we won’t be, and I know several people who are the same way. At my birthday dinner last year, they had a twenty-minute discussion between themselves about assisted dying, then reprimanded me when I asked to talk about something more upbeat. That’s just what they’re like.

You are absolutely right to stand up for yourself, just remember: calmly and respectfully. You need to address that this is unfair on you without putting it all on her. Remind her that you love her and that it’s’s not her fault that she was attacked, but this continued lack of intimacy is unfair on you, and it needs to change somehow.

@JoCat you are so right in that. Any time I’ve had issues in my polyamory (that I’ve been blamed for), I look at my marriage and I look at my blaming partner’s relationship. My husband and I are rock solid - talk all the time, cuddle and kiss, regular dates, just because gifts etc. When I looked at both of my exes, I saw bad communication, misery and a lack of any intimacy or love. That’s always been a red flag for me to get out and don’t go back.

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25

I get it’s not about the sex thing, in speaking on this post I’ve realised that I over internalise (in fact with both do which probably explains how we are here again).

With her family, I hold the tongue because honestly it’s not a happy dynamic as it is with her always being caught in the middle and I don’t want to be yet another person forcing her to make a decision.

That being said because I don’t stand up for myself, that is how I’ve ended up here and being too polite. I’ve always been referred to as a gentle giant which is nice and all but I think I’ve been too focused on being nice and helping others when it is me who has to sacrifice.

I’ve had a terrible history with previous partners (one cheated while I was in the house, one faked a pregnancy are just two highlights) and so think I saw this stability as the way it should be. Like it is good together, we live together well and have done an awesome job raising our golden retriever. It’s just this piece that is missing and its building again and I’m hoping I am wrong. But the last two times, I’ve asked for change and it hasn’t come and I honestly believe she tried but I believe she is still where we were when we met and I’ve grown in confidence and ambition which means that (not in a blame way) this shift results from a change in me

26

Unfortunately, outgrowing your partner is something that can and does happen, especially if one of you grows while the other refuses to. For a relationship to work, both partners have to (and be willing to) grow. I’ve taken my health and fitness much more seriously now that my husband is getting healthier with me, than I did when it felt like I had to do it all alone. Admittedly, there were times back then when I came to resent him too.

Being nice is important, but at what cost? I’m terrible for not saying no to people but I’m learning that I have to, for me. Self-love is the most important love you will have. If you have that, you won’t need anything else.

That you csn get along and have this stability is great, but you are right, you are more like roommates than lovers. If she doesn’t want to love like you want then you need to be free to find that love from somewhere.

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27

I’ve changed a lot in health and fitness way too, I’ve got much better with it. I’ve always been big but now I’m keeping lying large frame but getting it more shaped instead of just blaming things like my metabolism.

The bigger struggle for me is saying no when confrontation is involved. I can say no to people respectfully but some people will make a fight bigger than the effort to actually do the thing. I use to be a bit stubborn so think I need to bring that energy back with my balanced mindset. (Still learning and getting this balance bit right).

I am going to have the talk but in my head the fear I have is that she cannot (I suspect unable more than unwilling) to give me what I need. Let’s just hope I am wrong on that bit but I need to focus on me the person, not me the husband that I have been doing

28

One of my goals this time is just to be healthier, not be a set size or weight. I used to adhere to BMI and got down to my “ideal” BMI weight (9st 6lbs) - I was a size 8, anorexic, had no energy and once got toppled over by a strong gust of wind. That was when I realised that there is such thing as a happy medium, that BMI is a terrible indicator of “healthy” and that healthy is more than just a body shape. Regular exercise (that you enjoy, I love swimming so much, I must be 50% dolphin), a good diet, a positive attitude and plenty of rest are all you really need. Cutting down on sugar was the biggest challenge for me, but I probably have shares in Nairn’s by now.

I do know what you mean about the people who make a fight about doing the thing versus you doing the thing for them, but let me tell you a little secret: this is why they do it. It works to get you to do the thing.for them because they know you’re so nice and conflict-avoidant, and you would much rather just do the thing than fight about doing the thing. So this is why they put a fight on the table - it scares you into doing the thing for them. You don’t want to fight, right? So you’ll do the thing to please them.

I used to be exactly the same, and it was my poly ex who said something to me once that completely changed me. I was having a bad day and he said “that sounds like a you problem”, so I adopted that whenever he told me about some “problem” he had with me, including, funnily, when he emailed me and told me that he missed me when he realised that I wasn’t going to chase him after he left. Bullies will throw things like that at you with wild abandon, but they hate it when you turn the tides on them, and why shouldn’t you? After all, it is their problem, not yours - you’re merely reminding them of that!

The day you stop running yourself ragged for ofher people is the day your life will change for the better. You will realise quite how little you need to be truly happy and how much happiness you will attract, regardless of your size, as long as you’re happy within yourself.

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29

Ah wow, so I’ve never got to a healthy BMI and sometimes I’ve eaten a strict diet and exercised but it didn’t come off like it should and lost faith. I stick with it more now because I do it to feel healthy and less about scales just like you said.

I’ve heard that before and when people used it against me it hurt, which is why I think I try and avoid it so I don’t hurt others like that did me. By doing this though, I am bringing pain on myself

30

I think aiming for a healthy BMI is the worst mistake you can make, and really as long as you have a quality of life, look after yourself and feel good about yourself, does it really matter? Both of my grans lived for each day and they both reached their 80’s! Anything in moderation is the way I go now, inspired by them.

You sound a lot like me: you’re a sensitive soul who cares too much about people who only really care about themselves. The question is, while you busy yourself worrying about not treading on other people’s toes, who is busy protecting yours?

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31

I completely agree with the moderation thing, you need unhealthy food every now and then if that’s what you enjoy to keep you sane and still enjoying what you eat!

I am MUCH better with not letting certain people do it, this one is the hardest one to deal with though. I had the view of getting married, settled down etc but this now feels that I’m not on that path anymore maybe…

Like what I would choose is a monogamous relationship where we explore kinks, but still exclusive because I can be jealous, but then maybe that will change with growth too

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32

Knowing what you do now, would you still have gotten married?

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33

So if this stay as they are now, sadly not because I’d end up back where I am.

I guess this all depends on where it goes post conversation

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34

Absolutely. I still have pizza once a fortnight but it’s made at home now and served with salad and grilled homemade BBQ chicken wings instead of curly fries and spicy breaded wings.

It’s hard because you still care, and in a sense you’re not letting yourself get away with not caring. You have to keep in mind why you’re allowing yourself not to care so much - you’re doing it for you.

It’s kind of like my own situation at the moment: my ex (not the abusive one) poly partner wants me back but I’m not sure. I feel like he’s too busy for me and I deserve someone who has time for me; I don’t feel (and didn’t feel) like I was a priority for him. It’s not too much to have wants and needs in a relationship.

Monogamy is the dream for many people, but it’s sadly not always practical for a whole variety of reasons, including sexual incompatability and loving two people at once. If my husband was as kinky as what I am then I would choose monogamy as well, but he’s more dip a toe and I’m almost drowning in my kinks.

Jealousy is also very common in non-monogamy; it comes from a fear of being replaced. It’s important to work on ourselves and realise that we can’t meet all of our partner’s needs, just as they can’t meet all of ours. In ethical non-monogamy there is something called compersion - joy and happiness for another’s happiness, even if we aren’t directly responsible for it.

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35

Now you know whats at stake for you, I really hope your wife is receptive to the conversation.

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36

I can relate so much to the priority piece. She tries so hard for her job (which is very demanding and highly commendable what she does) but there’s no where near the same energy for me as that. She wants to help everyone else at the expense of us.

Poly could possibly be on the table but is a long way from where I am today, so maybe it’s just I’m looking at it and expecting too much without the steps in between

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37

I do empathise. My mother works in care so she’s often busy. My ex does a lot of climate activism, which is admirable and we both have our own passion projects, but there is a difference between doing something and doing too much. I keep trying to suggest to him that he might be overdoing it (he’s often exhausted and experiencing physical symptoms) but he doesn’t listen.

Ethical non-monogamy (even if not full polyamory) is definitely not something you can just rust into. It takes talking about why, and regualar discussion to make sure everyone’s needs are still being met. That’s very hard to do if your partner refuses to communicate.

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38

So she works in the special needs section (formally a teacher) where that demands a huge amount out of a person. While I was surpressed this didn’t cause us a conflict but now I’m more in tune with myself, it feels very neglectful.

How did you transition into ENM?

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39

Caring takes a lot of out of a person, but whilst it’s lovely that she cares in one place, we have to be careful that we don’t become neglectful in others. Both hubby and I WFH; we work in separate spaces during the day but come together at night. You have to be important to one another too.

It was a bit daft really, I got talking to a man online about my kinks but thought nothing of it because we weren’t actually meeting to do anything - he was in Australia for heaven’s sake, it’s not like I could go meet him in an hour or two! Back then, I thought that if you didn’t actually have sex with someone then it was just talk, just learning about yourself and sharing like we do on the forum. Well, hubby caught me and he was upset about it, and I learned that I had unintentionally had an emotional affair. We talked about it and fortunately he forgave me.

The next time I met someone, I told hubby about him before I advanced it. Hubby was much happier about that and agreed for us to keep talking. The guy told me that he was polyamorous, that he had a wife and he loved me and her. That was the first time I heard of polyamory, but for me it made sense. I do fall in love easily, I don’t mean to but I do. It has lead to heartache but not every egg is a good egg. I’ve had to learn that over the years.

So, that’s basically how I discovered it; by screwing up, and falling in love with someone who taught me where I was going wrong.

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40

I totally agree it is a really noble cause, she hasn’t developed the emotional intelligence that I have to realise that though…

Ah wow, that’s interesting because that resonates a lot with my situation now. At times when things got bad I have messaged people talking about my kinks and that caused upset and she said that shows she needs to try harder to keep me happy in that space (not that I condone what I was doing). That change never comes as a result though.

The meeting someone is interesting because someone I used to be closed to is now poly amarous, runs a munch to explain this to others etc and so there are even more parallels there

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