How much compromise is too much?

Unfortunately, not everyone develops emotional intelligence at the same pace, as lovely as it would be if they did.

I do know that, about broken promises. My husband has made “threats” (they weren’t really threats, play threats maybe?) to me in the past that failed to materialise, so now I just give him the kind of “uh huh, okay sure” treatment when he comes out with new ones because I know he’s just blowing air. If she knows she needs to try harder but fails to make it happen, you need to hold her to account. Remind her that it’s unfair to promise you one thing but fail to make it happen. To use the old adage, she can’t have her cake and eat it too. You deserve to be happy too.

Do we know one another? I used to run two BDSM munches - one has since been taken over and rebranded and is now one of the most popular munches in Bristol, the other never really took off :joy:

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No I get we all develop at different speeds etc, just feel that this gap has grown in ways that should have been discussed but we missed that.

That is how I feel when things like that get said now, it just feels like a token reply to breed compliance and have little to no faith it will actually happen.

Ha ha, it’s crazy similar isn’t it. The person who I know who did it I knew when she studied law at Cambridge. I won’t be any more specific as not to give anything away about identity

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But not being able to have those discussions can be a part of that difference. In my own case again, my husband laps up left-leaning headlines and buys everything they say, whereas I go by a range of sources and think more critically about what I’m being told. Again, that’s a difference in intelligence that sometimes we just have to accept as part of who our partner is, if we’re going to continue to love them.

I wouldn’t say as I completely disregard everything my husband says because he has taken me by surprise a few times, but yes, sometimes I quietly hope that X thing will happen and it doesn’t, so it feels a little disappointing to have to actually ask for it to happen - it’s not the same when it feels like you’re the only one who makes the relationship work. I’m on a solo mission to put together an anniversary gathering for Friday at the moment actually, which again, is frustrating,

Ahh no, not me. I was destined for Plymouth but life had other plans, unfortunately.

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Hmm part of a good relationship is the ability to talk openly about things on your mind and share in that emotional connection both ways and if that’s not happening then it kinda puts a growing distance in the relationship

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Yeah I ignore the media because it’s all slanted to serve an agenda rather than being a source of fact as I believe it should be. She is an absolutely lovely person and deserves to be so happy.

I’ve wanted and hoped for some very basic things, I’ve hinted and even said outright some things that I would like to happen but just absolutely nothing.

Ah uni wasn’t for me so you did better than me :rofl:

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Exactly it. Hubby tells me something and I just nod and smile now. I used to buy into it, then I woke up. That’s lovely of you to say though, though I appreciate that it must also be very painful for you to think that it might not be with you.

If you’ve communicated directly and still nothing then there’s really nothing more you can do. At that point she is ignoring your wants and needs, as frustrating as I do understand that is.

Hey I became a carer after college. What’s uni? :rofl:

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I want her to be happy as much as I want myself to be, which is why this is so difficult to process.

Let’s see how this talk goes.

Ah uni was overrated anyway from what I hear :rofl:

Of course, and that’s understandable. All too often the hard thing is the rignt thing, and the easy thing is the wrong thing.

Of course, I shall keep my fingers crossed for you.

Oh likewise. Quite besides my phobia (flowers, I know, go ahead and laugh) probably would have gotten in the way of my career path anyway.

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This is very true and it’s not entirely her fault because I’ve sat on it and surpressed that side of me so they won’t know that is building.

I’m hoping talking sorts it, but (and in a non egotistical way) I’ve grown more than her in that way

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Thank you, that is appreciated! I will post an update post conversation to let you know how it went/next steps.

I don’t laugh at it cause any phobia can be picked apart by logic. Where does that stem (no pun intended) from?

Not a problem, i won’t be about early tomorrow morning as it’s a swim day but i’ll pick your post up after swimming.

Picked? Stem? Really? If I didn’t know better, i would say you were doing that on purpose :rofl:

In all seriousness, I don’t know entirely. I know my Mum said i used to refuse to walk on the grass if the daisies were in bloom but there has never been a cause that we have identified.

I’m okay with “closed” flowers now, but I fainted once because of a painting of some tiger lilies :woman_facepalming:

In my own experience, when “open marriage” was suggested, it meant that the ex wanted to screw around while keeping access to my income and the lifestyle it afforded.

That may not be the case for you, however for me it meant a very quick divorce, because as i found out, she was already cheating on me. Her loss, definitely not mine!

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So we’ve spoken last night about it and this morning. I’ve voiced my concerns and lack of dialogue which has been agreed and she wants to do counselling both for herself and then us as a couple and set a deadline of 6 months for things to be changed or that’s it


@Sexterminator I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with open marriage and cheating. I’ve had almost the opposite experience with ENM myself - whilst my husband and I talked and agreed everything prior to meeting up with anyone, my ex before last wasn’t honest with his wife about me and abused me because I wouldn’t let him make me “the other woman”. I’m 99% sure that my last ex was just using me for an ego boost, judging by the way he bragged about our relationship online. I now see my marriage as “lightning doesn’t strike twice”, and it’s nice to know that we trust one another with that option, even if neither of us plans to take it anymore. We now consider ourselves as “open but not looking” - we’re good with what we’ve already got, but open to exploration if the opportunity ever arises.

The key difference between ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and cheating really is that - the ethics. Cheaters aren’t ethical; they’re selfish, and I have no time or patience for them. In proper ENM, both partners agree to open up, both partners agree what the rules are and both partners are free to have fun (if they want to). People like your ex-wife and my exes give everyone a bad name, though fortunately, like you. I too am in a much better place now for having encountered them.

Keep your head held high and don’t look back!

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I’m so sorry it’s come to that. It does sound like you’re making progress though, hopefully it’s onwards and upwards from here.

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Thank you! I’ve been really open and said that both the emotional and physical connection are not there at the moment and how important they are to me and why.

Also said I’m concerned that she’s doing this just to try and keep me rather than getting better at things she wants to do, which she swears is not the case so just have to see how it goes

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Good for you! I bet it felt great asking for your needs to be met.

I think this is really positive and now in what sounds counter productive, you need actions over words. Make the call and set up an appointment for the two of you. You both have let things slide by running away from whatever demons ail you and you both need to take action to fix it. Six months isn’t a long time, so get going!


Thanks :grin: so there is some work for me to do on myself too namely being more forthright with what I want and need etc and not worrying about what people may think, something I’ve always been like.

The appointment is being made when we get back home so it seems like it’s moving in the right direction


Fingers crossed it works out for you :crossed_fingers:

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