How the f*ck do you dirty-talk?

Sex Tips & Talk
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So, confession time. I’ve reached the latter half of my life, am very happily married, great sex life, but I can’t talk dirty.

I didn’t understand it for a long time. I’m about the furthest you can get from a prude but when it came to requested dirty talk, I just go blank. Turns out its likely one of the many gifts Autism has given me.

I’ve learned to look people in the eye without crying, I’ve learned to wash the dishes without throwing up, I’ve learned to hide stimming, I’ve learned the standard phrases and stock replies you need when meeting people. But where the latter falls down is the same issue with dirty talk. Having to small talk freely or talk dynamically, reactively, naturally, in the now. I can’t do it.

So I’m looking for tips. I really want to fullfill my better halfs wishes.
How do I dirty-talk. And then when I do, how to not feel or sound creepy or cheesy or embarrassed.

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My first though when reading this (as another autistic / AuDHD person), is that’s it’s ok to decide it’s not for you. I can’t do it either and have no intention of trying anytime soon. On the other hand, I understand you want to do it for your wife. My OH isn’t keen either but he does try occasionally. The only ‘dirty talk’ we do is talking about what we want to do with each other. Could you try ‘planning’ out a series of sex acts that you would like to do and then describing them your wife in a bit more detail than usual? Sorry if that’s a bit vague or simplistic!

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It’s probably different for a lot of couples and relationships but memes often express things better than words if you struggle - dirty talking isn’t for everyone.

Maybe start, with saying what you’d like to do with her? I personally think dirty talk should be cheesy, slightly embarrassing and expressive with lots of Emoji use :grin::squinting_face_with_tongue:

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Just be you, and express how you are feeling. I’m not much of a dirty talker also. But just explain how u feel during sex. I’ll say. Omg ur pussy feels good. Or. That’s awesome ur going to make me cum. Ect

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I think there’s an element of this at play in your question! I believe I’ve got a flavor of neurodivergence (who else would do an annual statistical write-up on their sex life of the last year with charts and graphs?) and have also struggled to learn to dirty talk to my wife, at her request. For her it’s a matter of helping to ground and keep present, keep her head in the interaction with us and/or in a heightened sexual state. As I’ve practiced I think there are a few stages - I think I’ve probably read these elsewhere, so I’m not trying to claim credit but rather to distill how I incorporated and think of these things.

  1. Practice making noise during sex. Nothing crazy - doesn’t have to be screaming or moaning, but if you’re practiced in learning stock phrases and replies, have you ever done any work around what’s appropriate response when sharing a meal, snack, or drink with folks? “Mmm, that’s a good burger.” “Aah, that margarita hits the spot!” This doesn’t have to be a long stage and is maybe a precursor or concurrent to step 2, but getting comfortable with being vocal and verbal during sex.
  2. Practice verbal responses during sex. Keep working on being comfortable being vocal and verbal in bed. You don’t have to start graphic. “Ooh, that feels really good.” “I really like when you do that.” Incorporate questions - “Does that feel good?” “Do you like this?” As you get more comfortable, you can get more explicit - “Your pussy feels so good.” “Do you like my cock there?” “How would you like to orgasm?” “I’m going to cum.” For some people, this is dirty talk. For others it’s still pretty vanilla, or even dinner table conversation (we’ve definitely had datenight conversation that wrapped up with a “so what kind of sex are we having when we get home?”
  3. Narrate what’s happening. As you get more comfortable, you can begin more explicit narration/description of what you’re doing/experiencing as it happens, or in laying out what’s about to happen. Now that I try to come up with an example everything I’m thinking of fits better as just more graphic versions of #2 - “I love fcking your pussy." “I love it when you ride my cock like that.” “I love watching your breasts bounce in the mirror while I take you from behind.” But that’s still kind of a combo - you’re taking what you’re experiencing and describing it as it happens, add on a “I love ___ because ___.” “When we ___ it gets me so hard.” You can think of it even like a short writing assignment: thesis, argument summary. State what you’re feeling/liking. Describe why you like it. Sum it up. Move on to using the future tense if appropriate: "I’m going to fck you until we cum.” “I want you to suck me.” Etc.
  4. Incorporate Fantasies Talk about what you’d like to do in the future. Reminisce about another really sexy time you had together. Again, approach like a writing assignment if you want: state the memory, explain why it stands out to you, sum up with things you’d like to repeat and try again. We often talk about fantasies we will never attempt reality - when my wife is going down on me and riding a dildo I tell her about group scenarios to put her in a mindset around the use of toys. I let my mind wander and describe the wandering to her.

That’s kind of how I feel I developed sequentially around being more comfortable and coming up with generally how I think about dirty talk in bed with my wife. A few more thoughts, in no particular order:

  • Know your audience. It’s important to have conversations (generally outside the bedroom) about word preferences and what does and does not feel sexy. Some people really like proper anatomical verbage, some people prefer more romantic, poetic language. Some people like it really vulgar. My wife is a fan of cock and pussy, but she doesn’t care for cunt. Penis and vulva are not turn-offs, but they don’t really get her going.
  • Power Dynamics We also enjoy power play in the bedroom. It took a while for me to properly understand how this impacted our dirty talk. Wife doesn’t like it when I ask, “how do you like it when I…” But she does respond to “Tell me how much you love my cock.” She doesn’t care for “please go down me” but “get on your knees and suck my cock” is a winner. Refer to “Know your Audience” on this one, and if you are engaging in any sort of power dynamic make sure you have negotiated limits and safewords, no matter how long you’ve been together.
  • Degradation/Humiliation Related to the last two, this is a “you must know your partner thing.” This is one of my wife’s favorites. She loves being called a slut, whore, cumslut, useless, only good for having her holes filled, etc. I also know that I risk castration if I were to call her fat or stupid.

Final step is really to become comfortable synthesizing all the elements you’ve worked through in new permutations. “I love it when you are sucking my cock like this, you good little slut” for example combines 2, 3, and degradation. Etc, etc.

Okay, here’s the bad news: as you experiment here you will inevitably mess up. But the best relationships, especially where sex is involved, is when you can recover well. You can do a lot of pre-work to negotiate what kind of words are preferred, what your partner wants to get out of dirty talk (a constant stream of narration or a peppering of dirty commentary), whether there’s power play involved, whether they want to be degraded or worshiped… and you’ll still screw up. You’ll say something that for whatever reason just doesn’t feel sexy. Or maybe it unexpectedly brings up a bad memory or experience. Maybe you’ll find something you don’t like, but it really turned your partner on. Maybe vice versa and you find something you really like, but your partner doesn’t. Or maybe you’ll just fumble or mispronounce or transpose a word and feel embarrassed. It’s unavoidable. What’s most important is how you recover together. We’'ve had plenty of sessions that started out really hot and heavy, steamy, kinky, just out of hand - and then something unexpected happens and we end up laughing until we cry. It’s all part of the intimacy process.

Last note on the pre-discussing and negotiating: if you’re able to jump into talking about it over coffee or wine outside the bedroom and really just talk through it, then that’s great! If your wife has asked for dirty talk, then the door is hopefully open. For us, we found it easier over writing. Early in our relationship, just as things were getting hot and heavy, my wife (then girlfriend) studied abroad for a semester and we would email back and forth, just pages of deep conversation and questions - still in that getting to know you, falling madly in love, kind of things. Everything from “What’s the best gift you ever received” to “what 5 books would you have on a desert island” to “how many kids should we have.” And of course explored much talk of what our sex life together might look like. After only a couple years of marriage my wife started a career that required pretty frequent travel and we picked up our emailing habits with even more diving deeper on “would you rather” and “this or that” and kink questionnaires. That’s how I know which words she likes, and what I should be aiming for to keep her in a much aroused headspace. SO - if talking about it in person is tricky, doing it in writing can be fun, too.

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Hey @Kitty-Cat01 , thanks. I’m newly diagnosed so still in the over explaining and over-analysing and mentioning it far too often stage. lol.
But yeah you’re right, I don’t want to do in the moment because its so difficult, I feel like I’m failing at something simple, and I’m dissappointing her, but I really want to be able to do it perfectly, and the do out weighs the don’t.
I think you comment about planning, combined with other replies below is really pertinant and something to think about.

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I’d love to hear the OH be more vocal, not necessarily ’dirty’ but telling me what she wants I feel would be beneficial for the both of us

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Kind of a combination of these things, I recognize I’m very lucky in that my wife can be very direct even in asking me to dirty talk - like even when we’re 90% through a pretty vanilla romp she’ll let me know if dirty talk is what she needs/wants to finish, sometimes as basic as “will you talk dirty to me?” but occasionally as specific as “call me a whore” which I understand to mean “… and then keep talking dirty to me.”

I do feel like I’ve gotten pretty good at least as incorporating dirty talk on my own initiative when we’re having a good kinky session.

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Thanks @Stacy2 , Yeah I’m probably a bit too paranoid about the cheesey and embarrassing. I think thats becasue in the moment I’m struggling so it comes out a bit forced or fake. Just want to get it right. I do love a good meme and drive her mad with my pebbling.

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Thanks @Tuck . Thats actually a good point. We’ve talked about so many other things we find difficult, I don’t know why I’ve not talked about this specifically. I think that has to be next on the list.

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Wow. Thank you so much @LRLRL . I really appreciate the neurodivergent info dump.

There’s a lot of great stuff there and I’m going to have to bookmark this thread or, if you don’t mind, print out your reply so I can think about it away from the PC.

One thing I realised when, in your second post, you wrote “will you talk dirty to me?” .. as soon as I hear her say it my heart sinks as I already know I’m going to disappoint her. Thats what she needs in that moment and I know I can’t help her. I need to get passed that because every time it separates us and takes me out of the moment.

So, I need to take your and everyone elses advice ( and my own from a post elsewhere! ) and simply talk to her about it specifically. Maybe plan it. I’ve been so worried that I can’t make it perfect I’ve never even asked what it is she wants me say. I mean, thats basic.

We can laugh, so screwups and making complete dicks of ourselves is fine, and on reflection I have little problem admitting to her the stupid or embarrasing or guilty things that are caused by ADHD.

But the Autism traits really are everything I’ve ever hated about myself for as long as I can remember. While non of the AuDHD is particularly positive, the Autism aspect is entirely negative so talking about anything related to that takes me back to believing I’m broken and a waste of space. Not a great place to be.

But much of the battle is recognising that in the moment, stopping it from consuming me and stepping around it. I’ve done that plenty of times before but I think I just get shocked by the sudden anxiety during what is otherwise such a vulnerable and intimate moment for us.

Yeah, thanks again to you and everyone else for taking the time to reply. I needed a good kick out of this head space. I’ve got work stuff and family things going on in the back ground and I’ve ended up overthinking and getting caught in a rumination loop without realising it.

Cheers.
:smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Of course! I originally saw your post on mobile and got about 2 sentences in before I realized I needed a keyboard and cracked open the laptop. Glad the infodump was helpful!

A few thoughts here - man, do I understand the sense of "if I can’t do it [perfectly] the first time I’m not sure I want to try. Resiliency is hard for things that can’t be completely prepared, rehearsed, and controlled for me, too. But I also know that the first time my wife asked if I’d be willing to run a marathon with her we didn’t go out and run 26 miles. We started training by adding 1 mile to our base at a time. She didn’t bail on me when I needed a rest day the first time we broke 10 miles, or needed to stop and walk 15 miles in.

So have fun with the prep conversations! It’s great foreplay. Definitely gets me going when we stop to plan how we’re going to spend sexy time together. It’s like an outline. Sometimes when we roleplay I’m like, “I don’t have a script, I don’t know what I’m doing, do you have ideas of what you think should be included here, generally?” And then I have leeway to connect those dots creatively and know I’m not completely biffing. So prep talk, or writing. And then I like to debrief after any session that pushes our edges - usually it’s the afternoon, and we’ll get dinner after. Nothing like getting cozy in a restaurant booth and asking, “How did you like this? What did I do well? I didn’t think this worked… how’d it feel to you?” over tacos and margaritas. And less intimidating than trying to debrief while still in bed, though we’ve also had good debriefs as pillowtalk, too.

I’m hopeful you hear this in the manner it’s offered, but it does sound like your wife chose you before a diagnoses - warts and all! All the diagnosis changes is your ability to think about how you see your warts: not as something wrong to be fixed, but an inherently connected to the whole way you’re wired. And since it’s a spectrum, it’s all woven together and connected and pulling at one might destroy the other. The wiring that makes interpersonal behaviors exhausting or challenging is connected to the wiring that allows for pebbling, hyperfixation, deep knowledge, and identifying the interconnectedness of things. It’s the wiring that means when you really let someone in to know you they are really in because you suffer no fools or surface connections. You can understand me with intimacy or not at all. Anyway - that’s a little bit of my personal understanding anyway.

So tap into your ‘tism superpowers and deep dive (like you’re doing). Use the forum like you’re doing, find examples of dirty talk, pose the conversations with your wife - “I’ve been thinking a lot about your request for me to talk dirty to you, and I’d like to work on doing that well for us. I have some questions!” Ask her for examples. Find lists of words or suggestions to read together. We’ve had things that until we read them aloud together and heard them coming out of each others’ mouths had NO idea it was a turn on.

And we are still discovering new things over 20 years in. The other week we were having a longer romp and she was on her knees going down on me, I was talking dirty and pulling her hair like she likes, and she lifted her head and looked at me and said, “would you slap my face with your cock?” Never before has she asked, never before have I thought of it. I don’t know how long she’s wanted it, but I know she was willing to ask for it and so we tried it.

I listen to a sex/marriage podcaster who would say that there is no intimacy without vulnerability and no vulnerability without anxiety (not his quote, just how I think he’d respond to the way you put it). If you want to go deeper into intimacy you have to be vulnerable and if you’re not feeling anxious about opening up vulnerably, is it even vulnerable? And then when that vulnerability is met with love and grace and acceptance, it smooths over the anxiety and says “I see you, and I love you” and that’s intimacy. And the deeper you want your intimacy to go, the more anxiety you’re going to have to dig through in the name of vulnerability.

You got this! Have fun!

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It’s not for everyone. Also, you have to know if your partner is into that sort of thing. My ex, who was the squeaky clean church girl let me take her V card and told me, “I want to be your sl*t,” which surprised me. Yeah, she was into being restrained and all but not every woman is like that.

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Can’t really offer advice on the scale of some of the above but we tend to find talking dirty works if it’s as shocking, coarse and sometimes derogatory as possible. Totally out of keeping with everyday conversation. OH often texts me with filth like “I want to feel your throbbing cock filling my wet c%nt” :hushed_face:

It’s also worth noting that, right or wrong, a lot of dirty talk tends to be aimed more at the female in a relationship, I think because the idea of a man saying something risqué or, dare I say it, offensive isn’t seen in the same way.

For example, referring to a woman’s “c*nt” is seen as somehow “worse” than referring to a man’s “cock”. Don’t know why, and I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, it’s just how it is.

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I agree its not for everyone. There are certain words like whore, slut, bitch and cunt that would really turn me off and take me out of the zone.

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On the other hand, I think

On the other hand, I think that’s also part of the reason it’s so dang sexy when my wife does dirty talk - it’s just a little more shocking or unexpected, and she can do a lot more with less. She can (and has) lean over the table after dinner and day “now it’s time to take me back to our room and fck me" or "I need you to fck my pussy right now” and it really packs a punch.

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Like I said, she was a virgin when we met (30 year old virgin, never found the right guy to take it she said). So, she did not want to do NJs because she felt it was degrading for her. She did enjoy a little pain and loved to be restrained. I wish I could have done more with her (that’s another story).

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Wow ! I feel for you buddy . I have nothing to add , I am the opposite . I can talk with anybody at any time . My wife and I will usually start dirty talk after some humous discussions . I will often use a bit of a meme or joke . We both were working in a machine shop years ago , I broke one of my big rules of not dating anyone from work . I tell her when I asked about her , everybody said " you mean the shop bicycle ? " I asked WTF they were talking about ? , They said we call her that because everyone has ridden her .
I have a bunch of things like that I have used for years . They pretty much get her laughing and or snickering , and will return the favor .
Some times really mild , others brutal . BTW , we are newly weds , coming up on our 39th anniversary . Second marriage for both . Best of luck !

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Sounds familiar. We also sometimes indulge in deliberately silly or cringey dirty talk which can be just as much fun.

“Oh yeah big boy, slip your love sausage between my luscious melons” and so on.:joy:

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You’ve already had some great avice and I don;t want to detract from any of that. I think the only thing I can say is practice, practice, practice and find a style that works and feels comfortable for you. I was involved with a man at one time and he used to use anatomically correct words (breasts, vulva, clitoris, vagina etc). It was a turn off af first and and then he used to say things like “I love the way your clitoris throbs on my tongue” or “my penis is so hard for you”. That added layer of intelligence, mixed with his sweet personality, he did some wild things to me. The problem wasn’t really that he couldn’t turn me on; he couldn’t be Dominant, and I do need a Dominant man.

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