How to ask him to dominate me?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi everyone,

I posted a question recently, and got some excellent advice, so I am hoping for a repeat.

I have always had troublesome sexual fantasies, in which I am forced to do extremely demeaning things, which I would never do in reality. Furthermore, I enjoy some moderate pain: for example, I often pinch my nipples hard while I masturbate. I also tried self-paddling, which I found arousing. I am titillated by images showing, for example, a naked woman kneeling in front of a fully clothed man.

This is in stark contrast with my personality, which is independent and strong-willed, very far from submissive. While I can't stand irresolute men, I also can't stand being ordered around (ok, I'll admit it, getting along with me is not easy). To be honest, I am a bit of control-freak.I never expressed my masochistic desires to any lover, as I was never confident that they would not spill over outside of sex.

Now I am in a very satisfying relationship, the first in my life that is truly fulfilling. I love him with all my soul, and for the first time I am considering trying to introduce some d/s elements in my lovemaking. He relishes dirty talk, so I started using debasing words referred to myself. This turns me on; but unfortunately, while they seem to arouse him, he does not answer in kind.

He is quite muscular and energetic, and occasionally he hurts me, unintentionally, by squeezing my hips or breasts a little too hard. I find that a big turn-on; I would like him to spank me hard while he enters me from behind, or slap my breasts while he is under me. I would also like him to tie me up, and verbally degrade me.

The problem is that I am very nervous about asking him for any of this. First, because I don't know how he would take it; if he does not enjoys it, I don't want him to do it only to make me happy. Also, I am scared that this might change our relationship outside of sex, which is great the way it is.

I will be grateful for any advice from more experience people.

2

congrats on your relationship....In principle many peoples sexual fantasies are an escape from normal life. Many powerful politicians and buisiness leaders like to be dominated.

Just talk to him and steer him in the right direction but dont be surprised if he wont or cant....I couldt hit a woman even if she wnted me to.

3

how about showing him some pictures on the internet of going through the LH site and show him some stuff you like the look of. trick is to be casual. you could start telling him about some erotica your reading that includes elements of what you want. you could also try asking him if there is anything new that he wants to try. just dont jump the idea on him with a "Hay, Spank me Master!" you never know though . it might secretly be his fantasy too.

good luck and have fun.

rd

4

I can empathise with your post Georgina, although it's taken me a long time to realise that i like more than a bit of dirty talk - like you some domination hits the spot. Thing is my hub knew/knows that i had a bad experience before we met, ancient history really but he knows that it's still in my head. So for him he was wary of anything physical beyond the 'norm'.

A couple of ideas that you could try. We\played a yes/no/urrrgh game some time back, the idea was that one of use would share an idea/fantasy/act and the other would give their feedback - some 'topic's provoked further questions, others were a straight 'no way'.....

the other thing that we have done is to watch porn together, depending on the genre/act/scenario that also gives the opportunity to voice something: ' wow that looks so hot, i'd love it if...'....'how would you/could you'....type of conversation.

in my case it helps that Hub is a kinky sod, i just have to let him know that certain things are ok.....

as for things spilling into 'real life'......we merely enjoy that type of sub/dom scenario in play time, once its over we revert to our normal personas. For me the submissive side is more oriented toward restraint/rough play rather than being ordered to do things that are to me/us not sexually appealing.....like being told to sit on teh dogs bed, no thanks!

5

This is different for everyone and you have to find your own way to this. There isn't a 'way' of doing it. Be honest as far as you feel able. Let him know that it's ok to go there. See if he wants too. Even though he knows you're into saying things he may feel uncomfortable doing it himself for any number of reasons. You're really brought up not to talk to people you love in that way, also he could be irrationally afraid of indulging in something that he wants to do but is scared of because of the kind of media image kink has had for a long time.

Sometimes people find it hard to reconcile their loving feelings with their more visceral desires.

Ideally talk about it. Also roleplay games can be a good way to explore and introduce new things in a fun context.

In the end all anyone can do is offer suggestions and wish you luck.

So there are a few suggestions and... oh yes, good luck!

6

Ok, thanks a lot to everyone who replied. I'll just talk with him, and be honest. Good think about him is that he is always straight. Sometimes it hurts a little, but overall it's much better than playing games, like most of my former lovers did. If he says he does not mind doing something, he really does not mind.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

7

So, we had a couple of discussions, which went very well; he did not seem at all repulsed. He says he would not be capable to do some of the things I suggested, but is willing to try others (spanking is in, tit slapping is out). In fact, he seems rather intrigued. What a relief!

We will try it out this weekend. Wish me good luck.

8

Good luck, hope the reality matches the fantasy.

9

Dear Gunther, yes, reality has this way of playing nasty tricks, doesn't it?

10

Georgina71 wrote:

Dear Gunther, yes, reality has this way of playing nasty tricks, doesn't it?

georgina...fantasy very rarely pans out in realty....most of my fantasies will always be such. Plus as a guy if a woman really wanted to be hurt and bruised I would have no defence if she went to the police...tricky territory.

11

Well, bruises are not really in the program, just some games. Anyway, I have no intention of going to the police!

12

While in the throes of passion, my OH just asked me outright to spank her bum, so I did! Hope that works for you. :)

13

Buy a bit of gear I would say and see where it takes you...

15

Buy a bondage kit, just a few restraints, set them up on the bed, then when he walks in, tell him for the next 40minutes.... you're his.... and if you don't act quick, you might get up, and walk out. :)

16

Hey Georgina, well done on broaching the subject with your partner :)

When getting into D/s (which it sounds like you want to do) communication is the most important thing -- and you seem to be on top of that! Secondly, although of course you must respect his boundaries, don't be surprised if he warms up to ideas that he has initially said no to... that's what happened with my partner, he went from not wanting to spank me at all, to leaving those yummy bruises that gunther was talking about ;)

Also, Fetlife is a great resource. It's a Facebook-type website for kinksters, combined with forums like these, where kinky people chat and network and ask questions. There are some fantastic forums on there for beginners, lots of links to things to read, and lots of really experienced players there to give advice. I'd really recommend it, it's helped me and my partner discover what we're into and clarify what we each want from our dynamic. And it has some hot ideas too!

Best of luck! And have fun!

PS: Seeing as it hasn't been mentioned -- SAFEWORD! You need one. When you're getting into play that hurts, you need a way to differentiate between a good ouch and a bad ouch -- a safeword does that. Just a random word that means "stop right now". Most people use the traffic light system -- green means ok, yellow/amber means 'ease up but don't stop', and red means 'stop'.

17

To shellyboo: thanks for the advice. We did it without a safeword, but our games were rather mild. I am not sure I want to get into something more serious, and I am pretty certain he does not want to, but it is hard to know how things will develop.

Anyway, here is my report from the dark side of Georgina . Our first attempt, on Saturday, sunk miserably. His overdeveloped sense of humor got in the way, he could not keep serious, cracked a couple of hilarious jokes, I started laughing my ass off, after that we could not get back in the mood. I think he was just nervous, but he denies it.

Yesterday it was much better, and he was able to stick to the script. First, he "ordered" me to undress and show myself off in the most obscene ways I could. His deep, stern voice was giving me shivers. He was still completely dressed, but after a while I noticed, with great satisfaction. a revealing bulge. Very, very hot. He also gave me a couple of orders that we had not agreed upon, which I really liked.

Then he "forced" me to give him oral sex. After a while he decided to "punish" me for my inadequate deep-throating skill, so he spanked me, while I was masturbating. It took quite a bit of encouragement before he could hit me with sufficient force, but in the end I was getting a good, sound spanking, while being called all sort of nasty names. I came three times, it was almost overwhelming. Judging from his rock-hard erection, he did not mind it either.

The rest was regular sex, very, very good. I think I broke my personal record of orgasms in one session. He had his usual single one, but from his bellowing I would say it was a powerful one (it's a good thing we were in the countryside).

It all concluded with a lot of cuddling, while I was feeling a warm, slightly sore bum. Very comforting. This morning he was extra nice, made me my favorite breakfast. After some prodding, he confessed that he had enjoyed it. We'll do it again; not everytime we have sex, but it's a fantastic way to spend a special weekend. I think we'll try some bondage too, sooner or later.

I am now at work. I arrived with a big smile, wondering what my employees would have said if they had seen me yesterday, crawling naked on all fours. My authority would have been serious undermined, I am afraid.

Writing this turned me on so much that I'll have to go to the bathroom to masturbate. Thank again, you lovely people.

18

It is great when things go well in the bedroom like that.

We occasionally have evening sessions like that, it starts off both dressing up, then one of us taking the lead, and being the boss for the evening. We will play a sexual board game first, Then things tend to role on from there.
We normally have the bedroom set up ready by whoever is the boss for the evening, Like restraints, blindfold ready, and various toys etc. then go from there.

We have a safe word, but havent had to use it yet.

Maybe a role reversal would be good to try?

Sometimes we go further than first thought as we get caught up in the moment, which can be a good wat to try new things not thought about.

Hope this helps

enjoy!!

19

Hi Georgina,
Was it the humiliation that you enjoyed the most?

20

Dear flash1, thanks. I am not interested in a role reversal, and neither is he. We'll see where we go from here; in time we'll add some gear, do some bondage, but I would like to just explore for a while. I like the idea of having our usual sweet, tender sex, with a really rough session with spanking and humiliation every two or three weeks. Actually, I would not mind some spanking even during regular sex, it's really arousing to me.

I don't know how this thing will develop, but I am more relaxed now. I was a little afraid that my sexual submission might lead to a change in our day to day relationship, to him becoming more authoritarian, which is not something I could stand; but, if anything, for the last couple of days he seems to have mellowed. He is feeling a little guilty at how much he has enjoyed "degrading" me, even it was done with my full consent and at my request; but he'll get over it, I am sure.

21

Dear K&J, yes, it was the humiliation, but the pain from the spanking was also good.