I’m curious if anyone has any advice or stories about how they approached the topic with their SO. My wife and I have had fun with Bondage, etc since we’ve been together (over 16 years). I used to enjoy being a bit more submissive, but now I’m really into being a Dom/Master. Recently, my wife has really enjoyed our longer term sessions which lean towards this dynamic (being restrained, “forced” orgasm play, how we talk, etc.) But I want to ask if she’d be willing to fully embrace the Sub/Slave role, so we can move that fun into more day-to-day activities (clothing, jewelry, instruction, tasks, and to fully embrace what it means to submit). I might not be explaining it right. Does this make sense?
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My advice would be to just approach it. You’re half way there. Do lots and lots of research as its more than just making her do as you say. Researching together is lots of fun and you can also do the BDSM together to see where you both sit on there. Start small. Thats what we did. Start with her making you a coffee at a set time everyday for instance. Agree on punishments if that’s your thing and build up. Maybe maintenance spankings once a week and work up to a level youre both comfortable with in regards to rules, protocols etc, and ensure you dont force each other into anything youre not comfortable with.
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Yeah it does make sense and only best way to approach this is to openly ask her as sense you’ve both got a good communication?
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We eased into it gradually from female led male chastity. It just sort of evolved until she was obviously the Domme and I was the Sub.
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Me: “I’m into BDSM”
Him: “Eww”
Him the following week: “what’s it like?”
Him, 19 years later: my Dom of 19 years, my husband of almost 12 
We have a free guide here, which I hope will be helpful to you both: Our Brief Guide To BDSM - Ten Shades & Me . Anything else I can help with, just shout 
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We started in the same way, but she didn’t seem to have the interest to keep it sustained beyond a brief period. Gradually we’ve moved the other way, and since I’m more assertive it makes keeping it top of mind for her much easier. And I’ve been surprised by her response and acceptance of things so far. We shall see how she responds when I make the formal request 
Thanks!!
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Full time strikes me as near impossible.
We all need down time.
Id be concerned about long term psychological implications if installed as a permanent way of being in a relationship.
Might be your dream for both of you though!!!
No full time, at least for me, isn’t possible, or desired. I was thinking of it as more of a way to get to another level of connection. There will be moments when it can’t work, but, it would be nice to have a baseline to get back to, so when things go awry, you have something to level set you, and I’m thinking this might be a good way to have that.
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As others have posted,lots of communication and vey small steps each time.We started off with very mild female domination with me being sissified and feminised and dominated just a little.I am sure you will find the level you will both be happy with and whatever that level is i am sure you will enjoy tremendously.
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@HusbandandWife_North you could create a kind of ritual where you both enter that space. For example, you could say to her “I want you sat on the floor by my armchair in ten minutes”. That way you’re preparing her and putting her into that mindspace where she is more submissie to you. It kind of acts like an on/off switch - you’re not always “on”, but she at least knows what’s expected of her, when. I hope that helps
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I can give you some advice on this, having been in this situation in the past. I should add I am not in that type of relationship now.
It was a few years ago when I was quite heavily into the BDSM scene. I was with a guy for about 18 months who was very dominant, but I wasn’t actually living with him. When I was seeing him he would either tell me what to wear or he would buy my clothes for me. He would tell me how to do my make-up, how I was to behave, and would give me tasks from time to time.
He would make all the decisions about where we would go and what we would do, he would always pay for everything. We went to Torture Garden a few times where he would enjoy showing me off.
I found that very exciting initially, although it could be rather humiliating at times in public (although TG was OK as everybody was dressed in a similar way!), and it always ended in amazing sex.
The problems started when his instructions started to impact on my ‘normal’ life.
He would tell me to wear something that was inappropriate for work, and text me during the day telling me to send him a selfie within 30 seconds to make sure I was wearing it. That got me some unwanted attention at work, including from my boss. On a couple of occasions he involved another guy in our sex sessions without telling me in advance.
I had to finish our relationship before it got any further.
So, in reality, I don’t think you can go down the 27/7 Dom/Sub route full-time. I suspect it will break your relationship eventually. You can have fun trying it out for a day and see how you get on?
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On my that was really taking it too far. Not surprised if ended your relationship, and getting another guy involved without your consent is just too much to tolerate. So pleased you had the strength to walk away.
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I’m so sorry this happened to you. There are good Doms and there are bad ones, and it sounds like you unfortunately encountered a bad one. The sex was great, but he clearly abused your trust. They, sadly, exist.
That he took you to Torture Garden (whether or not you wanted to go) says a lot about Dominance for him: it was about showing you off, about his status as a “Dominant”. It wasn’t about you, at least not as a person - it was about you as his property.
I’ve encountered two bad Doms in my time (19 years+) - the first ignored my safeword during a caning, and the second tried to meet somebody else without telling me that he was looking for someone else (he talked about his “harem” and clearly saw his submissives as his property too). These such things are a breach of trust and an abuse of power, the very things that a true Dominant holds sacred.
I’m glad that you are out of that situation now and I hope that you are well and happy.
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Thanks for your support. I’m fine these days, a little older and wiser!
It wasn’t easy to get out of the relationship, as you say he viewed me as his property and finishing it ‘wasn’t my decision to make’. The break-up took several very fraught weeks, and I was nervous about going out for months afterwards.
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It 100% is yuor decision to make, and he was either entitled or misinformed. Hopefully the latter - I’d like to think that anyone can learn and grow.
I’m sorry to hear too about the anxiety that you faced after the break up. I do know how that feels - it wasn’t a D/s relationship for me though, just a dirty old man who blackmailed me for my younger body.
Thanks for your contribution. I’ve actually never heard of Torture Garden. I’ll have to look it up. It’s good to hear from your perspective though; how things can be taken too far, what the mental toll can be. I don’t want to go down that road, if anything, I’m looking at it as a way to reinvigorate the friendship portion of our marriage by trying to incorporate her into decisions, research, desires etc. Currently, it feels like I do all of that, and I just try and see what she likes/what she doesn’t. I just want to push us further, because 1.) she’s surprisingly receptive to many of the things we do, and has actually asked to be put into certain situations (which I was really surprised), and 2.) the main reason why she seems to limit herself is usually self-esteem/confidence. My thinking is by keeping the dynamic present, even if in subtle ways like, wearing certain clothing under daily wear, certain nods to bdsm, but only the IYKYK stuff as to add a bit of that public “risk” (not actually getting into risky situations), and being able to read about, learn, explore different parts of it, together, instead of me doing that research and then seeing what sticks. I think it would bring us closer, and it wouldn’t be a full on role switch, but I think it would define it better, and make the intimate moments more common. Does any of that make sense? Am I looking at it wrong?
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@Suzi and @HusbandandWife_North, I’m not in the lifestyle but I remember something that made a big impression about the power dynamics.
In theory, the submissive should be holding all the keys to the play parameters, and should hold the cards that are dealt.
The dominant person should be grateful that someone is trusting them to play in whichever way with them.
The dom really should only be domming because the sub allows them too. Anything beyond is abuse.
I know in practice the lines easily get blurred, especially during the action, but it’s worth keeping in mind. The power should remain with the sub, with agreements on what can and cannot be done, and safe words in place.
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This is always the way I’ve “played” too, although just because a sub has the power, it doesn’t mean they get to be an ass about it. Back during my Domming days - and more recently as a switch in a polycule - I experienced a sub who would refuse instructions because they wanted to manipulate our interactions to get punished. At that point the submissive is no longer submitting; they are “topping from the bottom” - a big no-no with many seasoned Dominants.
A submissive chooses whether or not they want to submit to a Dominant, and they consent to (or refuse) activities, names, roles, rules etc. They do not get to choose what activities happen, when.
One exception to the rule: a submissive should always have and know their safeword, and that safeword should be treated as sacred. As the age-old adage goes, “one word can stop a BDSM scene, a thousand words won’t stop abuse.”
I’m not really sure what “fully embracing the dom - sub/slave life” actually means. We know loads of people with some dom/sub elements in their life, but even the ones we’d consider hard core D/s partnerships have sizable chunks of their lives that it does not encroach on.
You’ve started down the line, with good results and it sounds like you’re looking to add more elements. That’s the right approach. I think any talk of “fully embrace” might be less well viewed or more scary.
We’ve got quite a few D/s elements in play, but we also have rules that affect both of us and therefore aren’t really D/s. But I wouldn’t say ours was a D/s relationship.
Some of these D/s elements are at my request, some at his. Some were discussed and we decided to leave them for now (never say never). They were added one at a time, rather than making a big thing of it. Seems less onerous that way.
So, for example, he can have sex with me or use my body for sexual purposes however, whenever and wherever he wants, no questions, he just does it, even if I’m in the middle of something. (No consent problems and I have a safeword that I tested once). This arrangement morphed into the free-use arrangement we have with other couples, but is still basically in place.
He can tell me what clothes to wear, but doesn’t very often. When he does, it is often categories like “50s style” rather than specific garments (although can be, and if it is specific, it is often about showing off my body to whoever we are with or going to be with, and he knows how much I like being “forced” to show my body off).
I’ve had controlling relationship before, so this doesn’t invoke sexy in my brain, so he can’t really tell me what to do or say. What he can do though in a sexy context, is tell me to be particularly slutty that evening or to see if I can get to blow a specific person etc. Sort of instructions for sex rather than controlling. It is a fine line, but one we’ve had no trouble navigating.
The next rules are some examples of the rules that aren’t part of D/s, they are just rules for our relationship, and often existed before the D/s elements came in.
For example, there are clothing rules that affect both of us. I won’t ever wear anything that covers my pussy or asshole. So I can wear skirts (including long ones) and stockings, but not tights, panties or trousers. My pussy and asshole must be available to him at all times. (Only exception is for desperation/wetting, but then he tell me what to wear for that). For him, there are colours and garment styles I stop him wearing (mostly because they are an absolute turn off, and in the right clothes, he is knicker-wettingly, groin-grindingly fab), although if I leave clothes out for him, he’ll probably wear them.
We have rules about who outside our marriage we can have sex with, and how. We have a white list of people we can have sex with and tell each other later, others we can tell each other before, and neither of us can have sex with anyone the other doesn’t like. But whenever we do have sex, we need to keep our sex log up to date (in some detail).
Another rule is that we don’t put pictures of either of us on the internet (even though we have a good stash of them), or meet up with anyone from online. It was part of him agreeing for me to put our sex exploits online.
I guess what I’m trying to say is any partnership has an element of rules, some of them D/s, some not. They can cover anything. Becoming more D/s means adding more rules you are both happy with. It needs to include what D/s elements your partner wants too. (I know a couple where the sub (f) wanted spanking once a week as a minimum, the dom (m) was unsure, so it stalled the arrangement for a while, although all sorted now).
So tread carefully, bring her onboard, include what she wants to do too, and your life will become more and more D/s if that’s what you want. It’s an enjoyable journey.
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