How to spice things up?

Hello all new to this forum stuff but I am looking for advice please I have been with my fiancé 7 years and I feel things have rubbish with us for months and we are in a rocky patch. Partner can be quite prudish at times and I feel we have plain vanilla sex life he does t have a high drive but I do! I want him to want me again and for things to be how they where at the start of our relationship. I am a touchy person and he isn’t. I have never dressed up for him in things like basques or that. What tips do you have to spice our relationship up or that and get it back to a good place ? I have no confidence in myself and I feel I have let myself go to a certain degree. He won’t have sex In the house when the kids are in ages 14 13 5 and 2 it really annoys me and he ain’t spontaneous either where is I am. Any tips or advice welcome thanks :blush:


@littlehunny5 welcome to the forum :slightly_smiling_face: :upside_down_face: :slightly_smiling_face:

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Thanks :blush:

Hey firstly, welcome to this amazing community!

I would before all, both sit down and have a talk with each other about what you both want, or write down what you both like and don’t like and go from there you could learn a lot from each other about it, we are 18 years strong in our relationship getting married in 1 month and 1 day we find that talking solves everything! Good luck to you both and let us all know how you get on.


@Steve_Laura69 thanks very much for the advice I will give it a try even writing things down and see what he says. Also good luck when your big day comes hope it goes well for you both. :smiley:


Hi @littlehunny5 :wave:
Welcome to the forum!

Absolutely agree with @Steve_Laura69 but make sure the chat is away from the bedroom and constructive in terms of stuff you’d like to try and things you want to experience with him rather than accusatory and what you think you’re missing out on. Much more likely to go well if he’s not feeling under attack.


Hi and welcome to the forum, we have been married for 36 years now and sex, intimacy has to be worked at. I agree with @Steve_Laura69 talking about how you feel, what you both want is so important.
Personally I would not be able to resist the wife in a basque and stocking. Good luck, you will get some excellent advice here.


Hi and welcome @littlehunny5

You will get plenty of help and advice from the forum, and looks like you have already been given some great advice from @Peitho @steve19 @Steve_Laura69 which i can only agree with.

Hope you can get things back on track again. :crossed_fingers:

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@Steve_Laura69 what kind of things would you ask in stuff like this ? I feel like I am lost here to what to ask him any tips Plz ?

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Welcome! I do want to start off with saying how many times saying “the way things used to be” got me into trouble. It is a hard fact to accept and it is not impossible to do so but people change, times change and situations change. My favorite quote is “Communication is Lubrication”. I try to make sure when I talk to my partner about sex it is away from the bedroom and we are in a safe and relaxed place/position to talk about things. I try to never say “you do/don’t etc” I try to start with “I’ve been thinking and I feel or this is making ME feel a certain way”.
Take some love languages quiz and maybe do a “yes no maybe” list. And we only have one kid in our house and I’ll be honest, it can be a really big buzzkill. It’s not easy to get things going again but make sure you two talk it out and see where you are. My wife and I found out that our love languages have changed numerous times in the last couple of years just because of the situation of the world. I’d start there and than kindle that.


Hello there :wave:

Plenty of advice or suggestions here for you to consider :slight_smile:

Hi and hope you can find something to help you. We have children in the house and have sex when they’re asleep but ours aren’t as old as yours yet.

My wife doesn’t relax as much when they’re upstairs asleep but we do get the occasional daytime sex toys time when they’re at school or holiday clubs.

I loved it when my wife dresses up in different full outfits or even a few items here and there.

Using toys when we cns when the kids aren’t around definitely turns me on a lot more.

We played the free xconfessions app game. I sent it to my wife.

Our sex and toy life was great but fee things I want to try and we’ve got some of the same matches on there and working our way through them which is great to spice it up. Good luck.


Good luck @littlehunny5 !
My wife and I have had therapy together and have been on a journey from a more or less sexless marriage to one where we have a fantastic sex life, with lots of fun, laughs, lingerie, toys and orgasms.
I love what @AllenTries said about “Communication is Lubrication”. It’s true.
Dr Emily Nagoski who wrote a great book called Come as You Are about women’s sexuality - and is in loads of podcasts - said that in her research, the people who managed to keep a strong sexual connection in a long term relationship had two things:

  1. They were best friends
  2. They agreed to make their sex life a priority

We have kids and busy lives and until we both talked and decided that our sex life was a priority to stay connected, it was always pushed to the side. We were always tired and everything else seemed important.
Now we set aside time to talk about sex, and have sex. I did my best to find out what it is that actually makes my wife feel sexy and be comfortable, and have great orgasms!
She likes baths and massages and lots of slow playing with toys around her vulva.
I love her in lingerie.
She has left me in charge of ordering lingerie, toys and finding podcasts and TV shows.
Long answer - but I’m close to this subject!
All this stuff has spiced stuff up for us - and it took a while to get there!
Good luck!
All the best to you and your man :grinning:


@littlehunny5 Hello and welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your rocky patch.

I agree the previous suggestions around communication either writing down or taking are key.

Dressing up sounds like a great idea to try, it’s bound to put a smile on both your faces and possibly provide a little spark leading to more. It’s definitely worth a try in my opinion.

Keep up your positivity and spontaneity, good luck.


@littlehunny5 hello there. First of all, It’s hard to have sex with teenagers living with you. You need to plan a weekend out. edited by mod. The wife and I are in the same predicament. We have 3 teenagers. So every so often we drive around during the night and find a secluded place. We fuck like never before. It makes me think we’re in a porno. edited by mod and then take me home and tuck me in. It’s the best


This sounds like my sort of thing very much but I doubt he would do this ….do you mean outside in a secluded area? I just feel like sex isn’t a big massive issue for him wither with me it is as I feel it brings us closer again……I feel apprehensive at times when I approach him cause I worry he will reject me or be a bit moody on it. His expression is everyone is a onion we all peel our layers and when we get to the core that is the real you lol it drives me mad when he says it. I just want it to be how it was at the start like he was affectionate and had wed regular etc and I always think why can’t it still be like that. It makes me mad at times with him cause of how it is now. I have told him it does t always need to be about sex sometimes a compliment or a snuggle on the sofa we don’t even snog anymore and I feel it’s pretty sad :disappointed: thanks for the tip

I’m guessing with the age range of your children you really don’t get much opportunity to be by yourselves alone. Just trying to think what I would do… you could say I love it/miss it when we get to have some time together by ourselves - how about we arrange something. Also try and reassure him that it is ok to have sex in the house when the kids are in and that it is normal to do so. Even a quickie in the shower as one follows the other in afterwards. Maybe start with giving him a hand job when the kids are asleep in the house and build up to sex over a period of time. He might feel more comfortable with a basic lock on the bedroom door to stop your children walking in and taking you by surprise.

Could you get a babysitter and have an evening/afternoon out.


Hey yeah the age range ain’t the best i wouldn’t say and to be honest we don’t get a lot of alone time. We have a kid free day on sat and sat night so I will try and speak with him about it then a mean I have done in the past……my two older kids go to there dads every second weekend for the full weekend and then Every Saturday but even when we only have the wee ones it can sometimes be difficult cause he can be tired or can’t be bothered. I want to dress up for him and make the room all nice etc but I am unsure how he would take it or feel? And when I am dressed up what do I do or how do I try and make it him go wow. I was gonna get my hair and make up done etc and see what he thinks ?

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Hey welcome to the forum and hmm sounds like quite the predicament your in…
As you say your partner is quite prudish, I’d suspect anything dramatically out there could be too much of a shock for him at first so would defo recommend taking tiny steps to coach him into the right ways of expanding his curiosity for a more adventurous sex life.

I’m not entirely sure where you’d start with it though but am imagining small things what triggers the horny parts of the brain might be a good place. Do you have any sexy lingerie at all?

Perhaps you could wear a nice pair of really sexy knickers or a thong that just shows from the top of your jeans/trousers when bending over, then create a scenario where you need to bend over in front of him so he can visibly notice what your wearing and in turn it might trigger his curiosity :slightly_smiling_face:


We would talk about things you feel you would like to both mutually do together and where your boundary and limits are just be open and honest with each other, if your feeling uncomfortable about it all maybe go with the writing it down option, but talk about the writing it down part first don’t just give him a list, maybe write the list together or separately, and just pick one thing each you both mutually like and then if that goes ok then move on to something that maybe you like and then something he likes but make sure you are both comfortable with what each other is asking, if your not comfortable or if he isn’t then it’s off limits.