I’ve been feeling this one all morning and needed to get it off my chest.
This morning I woke up horny so I did what most of us would do in that situation — I masturbated. I wanted to involve hubby but he was face down and fast asleep, which kind of made initiating anything hard. Hubby (off work this week) woke up about 11 and he’s in a weird mood, so I sensed something was up. We eventually spoke about it and he told me that he was “disturbed” this morning.
I feel guilty and not. I feel like I’m being made to feel guilty, even though I maintain full autonomy over my body and that’s a hard limit for me — I do not consent to being told that I can’t pleasure myself. I did apologise to him, even though I realised a split second later that I wasn’t actually sorry: I’d only said sorry to appease him.
Let me begin by saying that I’ve long had the higher sex drive in my relationship. We’ve had fights before with me saying that we only have sex when he wants it, and when I initiate, he’s often “fine”. So then, it’s hardly surprising that I masturbate more: I’ve stopped burdening him with my high libido. He knows I have sex toys too and he’s not in anyway bothered by them. This wasn’t about them; it’s about the fact I masturbated during his week off work.
There’s also been countless times when I’ve initiated sex, and he’s expected me to wait while he sits on the porclain throne and contemplates life. I have work and housework to do, I cannot and will not put my life on hold for an hour while my partner gets ready for sex.
There’s an added layer in that I often read about and hear from men who’s wives don’t want sex too, yet here I am, a wife practically screaming for sex. It makes me feel depressed and alone, and pleasuring myself gives me back my autonomy and makes me feel empowered, as it should. Now I feel like I’m being shamed into not pleasuring myself, and that’s honestly depressing. We did have sex this morning, and he did want a blowjob, which felt horrific for me. I didn’t feel like it was about our connection; I felt like he was just trying to level the score.
So you’ve flipped the script from my own situation, interesting. Well, you ARE-entitled to taking care of yourself, and you should not have apologized to him for it. If you were withholding sex and only pleasuring yourself that would put a different spin on things. Having a discussion about it calmly may ease the tension. but I suspect the subject will resurface in the future.
It is difficult to manage divergent sex drives as you know. Hopefully you can sort it out. Good luck.
Thank you, and no, I wouldn’t withhold sex intentionally. Sometimes I might not initiate if I think he won’t be interested, but that’s different from intentionally witholding it. It’s not about denying him: it’s about not being rejected again.
This made me shake my head at my past with my ex-wife.
It took a therapist to tell me during my divorce that my wife didn’t just reject me, he used terms like pre-rejection and micro-rejection to me to describe what she did.
Also, she did this for other things and not just sex, but she certainly did this regarding sex.
Let’s say it was a weekend and we were home, doing regular things. At some point my 1st wife would say to me “We’re NOT having sex later!”
Uh, I had zero thoughts about that, I hadn’t insinuated or teased her about it or hinted about that either.
Even without my trying to initiate sex with her I’d get rejected…
Elsewhere I’ve said on the forum that I’m kind of glad she cheated because that’s why I divorced her.
No, I didn’t want to be cheated on, but I would have stayed with her had I not known she was cheating and leaving that aside, she and I weren’t a good match for each other.
After therapy and healing things improved greatly for me, especially since getting together with Miss Heather.
I’m in your position. We don’t fight about it but I do sometimes get frustrated and we’ve talked. If she’s really not feeling it then she’s not feeling it. Luckily she’s no problem with me masturbating.
I think you have to compromise as its generally impossible for two people to be at the same level of arousal at the same random time. So I don’t think both being horny at the time is important.
I think both being open and willing to try, is.
Fool around for a bit and the un-horny one may well change so long at they’re willing to give it a try.
I feel for you though. He’s being unfair. You hadn’t previously agreed to wake him up or just use him CNC stylee. It was just one of those mornings. We all have them. You didn’t owe him an apology. He owes you one for acting like a brat.
That does give me pause for thought. We did have an instance of him stripping off on camera once, and not too soon after I’d spent several hours trying to boost his confidence. He’s never outright rejected me and he can even be quite loving towards me, hugs, kisses etc, buying lunch etc. It does tend to just be sex.
I do feel like sometimes he acts like his father, who can be incredibly childish. Not abusive, but quite happy to sulk and not talk unless bullied into talking, which makes talking far harder than what it needs to be.
And I agree with you that we can’t all be horny at the same time. Frankly my arousal can be activated at the drop of the hat, which is why I’m a bit perplexed why me having an orgasm so I could think straight is suddenly such a problem for him.
Until my therapist talked to me about micro rejections, I’d never heard of it/them.
I won’t list such things, many articles online about micro rejections, what they are, how damaging they are etc. And they can happen in so many ways. Like when you are talking to your partner and he/she grabs their phone and starts looking at it while you’re trying to talk to them.
Oh now that is interesting, he’s always playing on his phone. He also told me once that football is his first love and I come second. He said he was just joking, but part of me now wonders if there wasn’t at least some truth.
I’m going to have a read on micro-rejections, because I hadn’t heard of them either. Thank you.
ETA: Just had a read. I think the main one is phone use, and he will apologise and put it down if he catches himself.
I dont have a problem with mrs bustywife masterbating, she knows i do it everyday, and she doesnt have a problem with me doing it, so why cant she if she wants to. I dont think its something to be ashamed of. It doesnt get in the way of our sex life so why not enjoy your body.
Perhaps in his head he’d planned a session with you for that morning, being his day off, and then felt rejected. I’m not making an excuse for him. Just trying to figure out what was the root cause.
And .. did he wake up while you were at it? Cause otherwise how did he know? And if he woke up, why didn’t he, if he was desperate to, join in? Seems to me that’s on him. You’re not a mind reader.
That’s a possibility, but then as you say I’m not a mind reader, and that was something I said earlier. He did say I’m often busy, and I did tell him that I’m easily “dickstracted” (the word I made up for when I’m distracted by sex) — “no” can become “yes” quite quickly with me.
And that is a good point. His argument would probably be that he didn’t want to disturb me, which, fair, but he did want in?
I did say earlier that we were being too considerate of one another, which is great, until one of us is apparently inconsiderate.
I’ve just been caught talking about the situation on the forum, so now we’re not talking because he doesn’t want me talking about our sex life problems to a bunch of internet strangers.
Take cover, folks. I fear there’s a war on the horizon
Uh-oh, well, he shouldn’t be mad, you need to talk to somebody about the issues, and it doesn’t seem he is all that interested in conversations about things. That’s incredibly sad, for you both.
