I'm in a tizz need help

I have been absent for about a month..due to issues with my ex and contact with my 14 year old.... But still trying to keep my head above water and move forward and on in my life.
The problem I have is what to do with the options that have developed. I still have my FB texting me to hook up... And a huge part of me wants to get back in touch and just have some mindblowing sex... But I know there is no future in it.....
Option two... I have still got a serious attraction to a man in my kayak club..who was sort of seeking me out to talk to after our club Xmas meal... But dispite that...I get the feeling both of us are too shy to make the first move.... But I still think there may be a chance there...just need the courage to get things together...either of us.
Then option 3.... I have had a date last night with a hopeless romantic, that tbh does tick a lot of emotional boxes, as he was gallant, romantic, a gentle soul and we had a lot in common... But I find it very hard to be physically attracted to him, as he bears a striking resemblance to my ex.... Who was abusive to me... But it is almost like a gallant version of what my ex could/ should have been.
He is also from.an ethic background like my ex, and tbh...I don't know if I could face taking on a relationship like that again, and I am sure my parents would totally disown me if I hooked up with another man that looks do much like my ex on paper.
They went through ad much hell with my breakup with my ex, and a foreign man in my life again would be devastating to them. I can't do it to them...and there's a big part of me knows this relationship would not work.
But for all the challenges, he has been in communication for a couple of months, knowing my situation with my ex, and my reservations, and yet after he finally managed to get me to meet up for a meal, I found his company very pleasant and easy going, and we had a lovely evening out.
Physically, he is totally not the type I am looking to date, as he has a lot of extra pounds, and really doesnt have anyyhing in common with my interests outdoors. My activies outside,and getting fit, and doing loads of things that are physical ate total odds with his outlook.
He is the cuddly...safe at home sort of guy..romantic and gallant.... But I can't think how to play this now.
He has made it quite clear he wants more as we ended up kissing in the cold for an hour, and part of me loved it...but I don't know if it was just I was craving for any attention that is romantic.so I have a problem.... My target of a sexy and romantic, strong man, is in 3 men... But so far not showing totally in just one.
I feel like I should mix all 3 up, to get the 3 elements i am looking for in a partner....
I dont want to let down my date last night too hard, as he was totally doing the right thing for a date... But he did come on quite strong with wanting to take it physical afterward, and I felt a bit rushed..( which part of me really liked...which surprised me)....I don't want to take a relationship that is so friendly and make it serious, with someone that I know on a physical he doesnt float my boat, is from an ethic background, which in my mind keeps setting off alarm bells due to my past experience with my ex,but he does certainly tick my emotional needs of possible companionship.
As a woman in her 40s, I want a good physical relationship, as well as an emotional one... And I don't know what I should do...
I know I need to get back to my date from last night to give him at least an idea where I will go from here.... I just don't know how to say it... Any help?

wow! looks like you are beating them off with a stick!

I think you need to pursue option 2 first of all to give it a chance. If you are both feeling so shy, it suggests to me that there is something there and you need to give that a fair chance to see what is going on.

Option 1 has already been written off by yourself saying you know there is no hope in it.

Option 3 - sounds like he is ticking a lot of boxes emotionally, yet behind the scenes will come with a lot of baggage for you. The other thing with option 3 with strikes me as pculiar is that you said he was a gentleman, yet seemed very forthcoming in being more physical. A true gentleman would not be like that, but a player would.

i'd go with option 2

I know...sounds an oxymoron.... Tbh I was surprised more that I enjoyed getting into the kissing stage.... It was back at carpark as we were about to go our separate ways, it felt like we were a couple that had been together for a long time... It was in someway too comfortable, and too fast... I had already gone with to the date with clear rules it was no strings or expectations.... And in a way he went a bit further than I thought he would, or I.... And I think that is a bit of me that is somewhat scaring me...I felt too comfortable too early... This was a first dinner date I have been on in probably 15 years... As my ex stopped doing romantic things years ago.... And tbh it was lovely to feel special again...he did make me feel quite happy.... And after 31/2 years of no real man in my life.... To feel comfortable and special was somewhat overwhelming.... It is just all the other elements tied up with this guy that are against him being my future partner....
He didn't force the issue too much about being physical, but I have a feeling my own needs to feel loved again might have given him more green lights than I intended

Hobbies and shared interests are a big part of making a relationship pan out long term. I don't think the guy you went on a date with, with a different outlook on life and the total opposite of your keeping fit an healthy activities would work out very well. You'd likely end up getting frustrated with his disinterest in taking part with you, and that he won't take an interest in what is clearly important to you. The FB is never going to be more than sex, clearly you want far more than just a hook up, and staying with him could put off a guy willing to offer much more, as nobody wants to be "one option" they want to be "the only option". You like the guy from the kayak club, it seems he likes you too. Life is too short to wait around for what you want to come to you, you say you're too shy to act, but if you don't act, and he feels the same as you, then you'll both let eachother pass you by and could miss out on the best thing that could hapen to you both. Maybe use christmas and the whole "mistletoe" thing to make a move on him, you'll get an answer one way or the other, but if i liked someone, and thought they liked me, but they were seing a FB or going on dates, I'd lose interest very quickly.

He did say I have many layers, and he is right... I feel I am a mixed bag of emotions and needs, and at 43, I know time is not on my side, and I would really like to find a man that ticks a lot more boxes for me.
Why is finding a new man so bloody hard.... It is like comparing, chocolate cake, with a zesty lemon merangue and a big bowl of popcorn.... You like all of them. For different reasons... It is finding the right combo that's hard

If you have so many questions about number 3, it's very obvious he's not for you. The FB is also a no go as you have decided.

In my experience if a guy likes you he doesn't take forever to make a move. So maybe number 2 isn't really into you, but the only way to find that out is to make the first move yourself.

The start of a relationship doesn't usually have so many questions at the start, it just feels right.

I havnt seen or really got in touch with my FB for a few months... And tbh I sort of fi ally got talked into meeting up with this guy last night...he had been trying for such a long time, a have to admire his persistence.... And tbh part of me loved it...
But despite this comfortable feeling last night...I can't see it moving on into a full on relationship... But I have to say I have to let him down gently...
How do you say that really you remind me too much of my ex in the way you look, and background, and you are not the physical type I am looking for, without upsetting his feelings?
He is obviously as lonely as me, with similar issues with ex and access to our kids, and tbh missing that romantic, kiss and cuddles that comes with a relationship... Doent anyone want that? I went out last night to meet up with a friend I had made on a dating site... A comrade in arms so to speak... But I feel he wanted far more out of it than I was prepared to give, even though I found I went further than maybe I should have done.
I don't remember dating being quite so complicated... Arghhhhh!

The issue with option two is he has to go back to Cornwall each weekend to see his kids, so weekends are almost out for us... And I see him only on club nights.... I do bave his number and email from the club contact list, but not sure if I should use that to get a meet up outside the club....
Maybe I should just email him and see where we go... But in the meantime I think I have to let down mr romantic as gently as I can....he is too nice a guy to do it any other way

Option 2

Bite the bullet make the move

Letting someone down is never easy, but leading them on will hurt them more. You don't need to explain your reasons to him for not wanting to persue a relationship, all he needs to know is that it isn't what you want. The sooner you tell him, the less time he has to ruminate on the kissing and start viewing your friendship as more than it is, and it won't be as big a shock for him when you let him down.

So what do I say to option 3?...,
He tbh was doing all the right things... He just wasnt totally fitting the exacting criteria I seem to have given myself..... In the time we have been communicating, I have got to know he is a genuine caring man, and he is simply looking for that miss right...

Just say something like although you like him, you don't want a relationship with him. You can say you don't feel ready for one or something like that.

I guess I have a lot of relationship spring cleaning to do..... I have been so far out of the dating scene, it is hard to see things for what they are, and even to recognise what you want.
Heart over attraction over lust... What a combo....
I guess I have to temper my desires with a bit of reality too...I have to recognise that I have really missed a true fulfilling relationship,and companionship....divorce takes a lot to get over... And leaves you with scars that you don't know if are going to flare up or fade with time.
Committing to a new man is scary, especially if you have a background history like mine, and I should not be totally surprised that a bit of real romantic attention would be so lovely after so long.... A refreshing summer shower after a long drought...
But...I need sun and rain to grow, with a sexy spice in my life to feed my soul too.

Especially after finding out that this lass is quite the naughtymum and loving her sexuality more than ever,and feeling fitter than I have in ages, I want someone who could keep up with me and challenge me to new heights...
Guess I have to do some work

Hi NM , this situation with the kayak man has been going on for some time now and either he's very shy and doesn't read the signals well or he's not looking for a relationship .I know it's easy for me to say but I think you'll have to be brave and make the first move or you'll be waiting forever.At least at least then you'll find out if there's a future for you both.
I'd say with regards to dinner date man, if there's not a strong enough physical attraction at the start of a relationship then its probably not worth pursuing especially given his resemblance to your ex and lack of shared common interests. You can let him down gently by saying you're not ready for anything serious yet.
I wouldn't write off option 1 completely, you know there's no long term future for you both but you're still a woman with physical needs and as long as you both know where you stand and that it's just sex then there's no reason to stop that if option 2 doesn't pan out, ( I hope that doesn't sound a bit heartless ).
I really wish you the best of luck cos it sounds like you've got a lot going on in your life at the moment x

Well making a start on letting date guy down.....( look at me....a 43 divorced woman who is an insecure bag of nerves..actually turning a Romantic interest down!)

Maybe I am getting a better grip on what I want out of life than I thought.
Kayak man is a bit of a tricky issue, as I wasnt able to make the last two club sessions, so I am a bit behind on " project paddle";)
I think club man is interested..... We are still in the sussing each other out stage... The would it work with our schedules and kiddie commitments...
Ok...back to letting date man down gently

I have nothing to add to all the helpful advice. I just wish you the very best of luck with whatever you decide x

NM, it's kayak guy for the win!

No.1 is out as a long term option.

No.3 seems like a lovely bloke but if the physical attraction isn't there now..... I don't see it ever changing.

Email kayak guy. You should ask him out for a bite to eat, relaxed Pizza Express type deal & see where it goes. You'll have something in common to talk about so already off to a good start....

Smile, be confident, you can do it 😊

Well currently messaging the date from last night... Sort of tiptoeing around the issue...I am going to have to get in there and let him down.... He just sounds like a puppy who has found a new friend to play with though...

Good luck, you can do it in a nice way I'm certain of that.