Things have been going really badly for me. I still have no income and I’m about to lose my insurance which I first purchased more than 10 years ago. Sure I could buy it again when I have the money, but it’d be loads more expensive and have a lot more exclusions.
I’m sinking so badly into depression and when that happens, I’m very tempted to reach out to this one specific friend. I simply have been unable to find someone I could connect with that deeply when it comes to mental health issues. I’ve tried for years and failed. I know this friend is ultimately not healthy for me to befriend and if I wasn’t in such a bad financial state, I would have done the sensible thing and stayed away. But to have no one I could connect in that unique way with has been an extremely lonely experience. What should I do?
@duchessofnowhere
Evening - can I ask what you want to do as after reading this person is toxic to you - but I understand they know you and you know them - but personally I would run a mile away from them and find new friends who will respect you
It’s hard to comment accurately, but I wouldn’t be trying to reconnect with someone out of what seems like desperation.
… especially if they are the one who did you wrong. Going back could give them a sense that it’s ok to treat you poorly.
It sounds like what you’re craving is familiarity, with everything else going haywire. Pain can be familiar, but asking for pain to return simply because you’re familiar with it is not helpful.
Stay here, chat with us - your LH family. There’s support in other places. Don’t return to the haunted castle!!
I do have friends but there isn’t one friend I tell everything to. And certainly no one I can talk to about depression. And being poor for an extended period of time, makes people want to stay away from you. I have free counseling once a month and I can’t even talk to my counselor about everything. This former friend literally was the only one I could connect with regarding mental health issues. I wish he wasn’t and I know the correct thing to do is to stay away. But I feel extremely lonely without someone I have that kind of connection with
I was going to say speak to a counsellor, but you have explained you can’t tell your counsellor everything, which is a shame as they possibly could be the best person to assist and certainly better than the ‘friend’ you mentioned.
I can’t begin to understand what you are going through, but as others have said, there maybe people in this group who might be able to assist or offer perspective on the issues you are suffering with.
@duchessofnowhere
It’s very hard when you’re in a low mood already to stay away from things or people that make you feel worse.
I’ve had that “mate” who I confided in and felt like they really got me, they to were toxic, that connection wasn’t friendship at all, it was 1 sided where I’d be belittled, shamed, blamed.
I can hand in heart say, your low, feeling vulnerable due to your circumstances, this person will not help, they will push you deeper down that rabbit hole.
Check online at groups you could attend, or even online self help groups, I’m
Not sure what area you live in, but where I live there are charities that run monthly groups with mental health issues, and it really helped me see my self worth.
What about him makes you feel that connection? If you can try and identify what it is, maybe you can find that in someone healthier for you?
Is it that you genuinely can’t find a connection like that, or being brutally honest with yourself, is it that you’ve not put your all into trying because he’s familiar and you know what to expect?
Is there a reason you can’t talk to your counsellor about everything? You might find that they’re able to offer the support you need?
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time of it but going backwards and to someone abusive isn’t going to help you in the long run.
I was in a slightly healthier state of mind then. I am not currently. And we will never be friends like we used to be no matter what, because the trust isn’t there any longer. I’m not really interested in what’s going on with his general life or catching up the way we used to or what he thinks about random things. I just wanted to talk about our mental health issues. It’s extremely difficult to be trapped with these thoughts and have no one get it
I honestly do not know what it is about him specifically. I do have other friends, good friends, with mental health issues too, and I have spoken to them honestly about it, but there is that missing connection. Maybe it’s because they come from privileged lives and he and I do not. They talk about their issues but acknowledge that they have backup plans, they have resources and people to fall back on. And he and I are both have nothing. Really nothing. We are very much in the deepest depths of our issues.
I meet my counselor only once a month and I absolutely cannot tell her everything because not everything I share with her will be confidential (it’s the way it works where I am - especially more so coz it’s a free service, not a private practice). She’s better for when things go to the extreme like if my home situation gets abusive, she has the resources to help me. But the things I genuinely need help with and that I’ve asked for help for, she simply isn’t equipped to help me. She is a nice person, but I feel somewhat disconnected from her.
In your other thread and this one, you’ve stated that you no longer trust this person.
If you go back to them now, and discuss such sensitive things with them, is there a chance they’ll use that knowledge against you? Because from reading the other thread, it sounds like they potentially could.
I feel like you going back to this friend may put you in a very bad position mentally, and considered you’ve mentioned that you’re not in a good state of mind, could these thoughts of reconnecting potentially stem from that?
I would definitely seek an alternative to reconnecting with this person. It’s doesn’t sound like it will be healthy to.
I hope you can find some other solution that helps you
Just read your other post and then think what advice would you give that person writing that?
I totally understand that money can cause massive anxiety and depression as can many other things but reconnecting with someone who has already been abusive because they did not get their own way is just plain dangerous.
People connect on many levels and for many reasons but when that “friendship” becomes toxic it becomes clear it was never really a friendship at all just a way for someone to get past your defenses and get what they want regardless of your needs.
Where your counselor is concerned you should be able to speak to them about anything. If they are a real counselor they should be able to help you regardless of what you talk about and offer realistic and impartial advice. Sometimes even a call to an organization like the Samaritans (In the UK) can be a literal life saver. Totally impartial, anonymous and free. No hidden agendas just people who want to help.
All in all stay strong and stay away. You are never alone although sometimes it feels like it.
You mean like the hotline Samaritans? I used to call them. They snapped at me, or were exasperated, or had no idea what to say. Where I am, things we say to any mental health professionals, or health professionals in a government-funded system go into our records and employers can actually have access to them. The only way to get past this is to go the private route (i.e.: $$$). Apart from this, my counselor really has no concrete advice to give me. She is more of a social worker but she is disconnected in the one month we don’t meet. Everything in my life right now is stalled because of no money (moving out of an abusive environment, being debt-free, paying for my insurance which I will lose in Jan if I don’t find the money).
There are adult social workers, your local council might be able to sign post you to help. Else contact your GP and see what they can do to support you.
All this actually hinges on this person actually wanting to talk to you after all this time.
That bridge has been well and truly burnt by sounds of it. You might actually be a detriment to his mental health and he might want nothing to do with you.
He reached out to you multiple times, you snubbed him and now you want him back because it’s convenient for your needs. What’s in it for him? You are literally reaching out to dump on him.
Huh? He has said he wanted to talk to me. And like I said, I don’t “want him back” the same way we used to be. It’s just our shared mental health issues that we connected on that I want to talk to him about.
Thank you, but I am not in the UK and I cannot afford any paid services where I am. The GPs here are not interested in helping - they are overworked and underpaid so I can’t blame them for that. That’s why I am only seeing the free social worker/ counselor
Have you tried contacting the above? I noted that you are not in the UK, but a Google search of international mental health charities turned up the above.
What DLJL says.