Hi. My first non sex related topic. How does everyone deal with their difficult in-laws?
My partners parents live abroad and are quite isolated as the country they’re in has quite stringent travel policy currently.
They’ve not been back to UK since Covid, and to be honest we haven’t missed them in tbe slightest. They are mean, often upset my partner, don’t understand boundaries (as you will see), have no self awareness and generally not particularly pleasant to be around.
My girlfriend spoke with them today on the phone and they indicated they’re looking at coming back and moving to the same suburb as us. When she told me I lost my shit a bit. The further part is I moved to where my partner lives away from my friends and family a few years ago, effectively sacrificing a lot - I was and am happy to do that but it wasn’t on the basis we’d be living a few minutes away from her parents who have no previous connection to where we live.
My girlfriend completely agrees with me but gets intimidated by them. She mustered up the courage to send a text after (which I essentially wrote but she sent it!) saying in a polite way, we need our independence and space and please don’t move here, albeit it’ll be nice if they weren’t a million miles away (not true but I didn’t feel we could dictate to them they’re unable to move back to the UK!)
No response yet. Any idea if I’m being out of order or how to deal with this moving forward?
Sadly my hubby lost both of his parents, his dad first and then a few years later his mum. So him and his younger sister went to live with his aunt, his two older sisters were old enough to live on their own. His aunt is the most nastiest person to ever to walk the earth, basically she’s a narcissists. She would manipulate him, get inside his head and control him. When we got together she made my life a living hell, but I would would bite back twice as hard, she tried on so many levels to split us up, cause arguments cos she no longer had him to herself. Even when I was heavily pregnant with our daughter she tried to get violent, tried to break in when I was at home on my own attacking me verbally and the neighbors had to ring the police cos she was trying to break down the door. There was no way I was ever going to leave him, I wasn’t going to let her win, she even told him the baby I’m carrying isn’t his that I was sleeping around. That’s only a small fraction of of it, she was doing the same to his sister’s as well. Now they’ve seen her for what she is and she’s finally out off all of our lives for good. I’ve never hated anyone before but the hate I have for that what ever she is, is pure hatred for what she put us through. Now we can get on with our lives
I’m sorry what you’re going through, but as long as you both stick together, you’ll get through anything. You’ll come out the other side stronger, we come out of it stronger.
No I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Losing your shit won’t help anyone but I wouldn’t be too pleased.
I am lucky that I get on with my in laws SO well, but we still live about 45 mins from them and we are both happy with that. We are private people and absolutely abhor unannounced guests. We deliberately live just about far enough from both our families that no one would dream of coming over without a phone call to make sure that we are in first as it’s too much of a wasted trip (plus we live in the back of beyond so we aren’t ‘on the way’ to anywhere).
I’d hate it if either set of parents decided to move to our village.
I am with you, but both of you need to be on the same page. Ultimately you can’t prevent them buying the house next door if they want but if the worst happens you do need to be MUCH tougher and put boundaries in yourselves (and enforce them).
Thanks @SW2003 - we are similar, I even said even if I got on well with them I wouldn’t want them here.
My OH is too soft on them insofar as she understands they’re both nightmares but is too intimidated to stand up to them. Any boundaries will get forgotten about and lines blurred. it will genuinely make our lives less enjoyable if we’re having to constantly dodge them and I think it’ll strain our relationship.
I’ve said tonight we’ll have to move if they move here, which they can’t be upset about given they know they’d be moving here against our wishes.
I get on with mine, although they can be very irritating. It was bad enough when they “Surprised” us by secretly booking accommodation next to or opposite ours and turning up when we were on holiday a few times. We soon became very vague about when we were going away! To make it worse, the M.I.L. was at their window like a feckin Meerkat watching ourevery move!
@WillC - very similar behaviour. Any trip to see them in the UK, which was also when we didn’t live together so our only time seeing each other for a week or so was greeted by literally not a moment alone apart from being asleep in bed. Wouldn’t be quite as awful if they were nice!
For me the most important thing is your partner makes her feelings know to them and sets some boundaries.
Years ago we lived a few miles away from the inlaws. They would pop round at 8am on a Sunday morning or phone at 7am to say that they would be in the neighbourhood so might drop by. The problem begin the phone was on my side of the bed (pre mobile) and we would normally only have got home at 4am.
Used to drive both of us up the wall but my partner never really stood up to them and laid down some basic rules.
Later when we had a place with a pool they would invite themselves for months at a time (and you can guess who paid the tab at restaurants). Again partner would never stand up to them.
My advise would be to be as supportive of your other half as you can and try and help her get the message over - I know how hard it can be.
Thanks @Private_member - I’m pretty forthright on this topic with her. It helps she agrees completely re them. She hasn’t seen them for a few years now and she doesn’t miss them one bit which is in otherwise completely against her general demeanour of enjoying seeing friends and family.
I’m hoping her message of please do not move here will do the trick, but we’ll probably have them not too far away so will have to set boundaries. Life is too short and I’m not having my spare time impacted by them.
I think your doing the right thing confronting the issues early. It may be difficult now, but it’s far better I think setting the boundaries now, than letting things slide and having bigger issues down the road. you can get some form of compromise sorted.
I count my self very lucky I get on with my In-laws.
If they go through with it, then you need rigid boundaries to the point of rudeness.
Having briefly had to endure living close to my mother (who I get on well with at a distance but is smothering when you live too close) I would suggest the following:
NO unannounced visits. Ever! Even if they’re ‘just passing’ then a phone call is necessary before they rock up on the drive.
No means no, if you say you are busy then you are busy don’t let them push it. Don’t negotiate.
Don’t explain yourself. If you say ‘sorry it’s not good for us today’ then that’s the end of it. You don’t need to go on and say ‘oh I’m getting my hair done’ or ‘I’m trying to work from home’.
Just ‘No’. No is a complete sentence.
I am a farmer, we have a saying ‘good fences make good neighbours’. This is the same - just the fence is metaphorical.
The fact that they still want to move so close to you even after you’ve said it wouldn’t be welcomed certainly proves your point about them. I’d hate to be in your shoes right now, there’s nothing worse than people who can’t take the hint and respect your need for privacy!
I personally have never liked anyone “just popping round” on the off chance. I have experienced this with a few people who always seemed to drop in at mealtimes…even when they knew full well that I’d be busy doing dinner etc.
You and your girlfriend really will need to stick firmly to your rules otherwise, as you say the boundaries will quickly become blurred. It sounds a bit like your girlfriends parents have never come to terms with the fact that their daughter is adult who can make her own decisions and think they can get away with riding roughshod over her. Obviously you’re in a difficult position because you don’t want to make it look like you’re doing all the decision making on behalf of her but in the long run she needs to stand up to them a bit and not be intimidated by them. That’s a lot easier said than done though.
Once had the inlaws pop round unannounced whilst i was sitting in my boxers in the living room having my haircut, not good to be virtually naked with half a Mohican!
Anyone who knows me would know that I wouldn’t have let them in. I’'d have politely said sorry I am in the middle of something, I’ll give you a ring later and we can fix something up.
@wildflower - thank you so much. You have summed everything up perfectly and every assumption you have made is dead on the money. I’ve had a really low day today on my own and been debating in my head whether I’m out of line so to see a stranger reach the same conclusions as me is reassuring.
you can get some form of compromise sorted.