To work our family around it is a nightmare, lots of lonely nights etc so when i see him i want that quality time im not getting.
Sex isnt everything but it was important to me its more about the little things i no longer have like kissing, i get kissed rather quick with no love in it, i try to progress it and just doesnt
I think love can be enough to stay together for a time, but ultimately you still need that intimate connection to feel fulfilled.
Iām 36 & have been married to OH for just over 13 years now. Very sexually active initially but add two kids, work & low self confidence into the mix it kind of just maxed out. Moreso over the last 3 years Iād say. The last couple of years have been pretty rough, my anxiety & depression has consumed a lot of energy & didnāt really leave much room for anything else. I hated being touched, actively avoided going to bed at the same time & would give in every so often out of guilt, but would cringe every minute of it. No kissing other than a quick peck, or anything that may instigate or encourage sex. OH has always been supportive & understanding, but I know it had a big impact on his self confidence as well & I think thereās only so much of that you can take.
Breaking out of that habit was hard but I just got to the point more recently where I realised we both deserved more. Iāve never been very good at talking about how I feel but knew if I wanted things to improve then something had to give. Here is where the problem lies I think - both parties have to be willing to be open enough to talk about how theyāre feeling in order to find a resolution before the event horizon. If only one party is making an effort & it falls on deaf ears time & time again then I have no doubt that sooner or later the relationship would end.
Finding time to physically do anything is another story, but talking about it has definitely helped as now we both look for every little opportunity which actually does come up more often than you think when youāre both on it 
Honestly you hit it nail on the head, the intimate connection is what lacking.
Yes family does get in the way but the few hours i get i want to make the most of them instead of feeling like a stranger in the same room.
Im very open whereas hes very closed, he always has been and never bothered me till recent years, i spoke to him and he has tried but i seem to feel theres an issue where he doesnt.
Itās difficult because, I spent that long without it it, I didnāt know just how much I needed that connection until I was reintroduced to it, if that makes sense? It was just getting over that initial hurdle that I struggled with & I think you can only do that when youāre in the mindset that you want to do it.
Do you talk about sex? Turn ons, things youād like to try, things you wouldnāt, positions etc.? Not even the physical act of it, because itās too easy to make excuses initially, but just literally talking about it. OH works full time nights, I work full time days so to get around that weāve sent flirty texts & pics to tease, talked about all the above to help build up that desire. That has really helped me & I think weāve both learned a lot about each other in the last few weeks & that in turn has helped reignite things physically.
Seems to have had the opposite effect with my oh
Hes never been a sexter whereas i have, i try initiate that but im the first hes gone down the road of sex toys etc, hes always had vanilla sex. Ive been very open with what i want and he has too when i prompt him to, i think maybe i need to get the relationship on track before sex, im longing for sex, ive been patient but i dont know if i would eventually go off.
its an odd shift pattern so 4am and he needs to get up at 3 sometimes doesnt get in till 7pm then off to bed around 9pm so not much time. he gets days off but we never have really done anything during the day except when we first got together when was spontaneous. I miss that but i guess thats family life.
Have worked stupid runs of 12 hour nights and days , notching up 66 hours some weeks when i was much younger. They do harm you physically and mentally, so i can totally sympathise. All i can suggest is that you talk about it honestly and openly, and try to schedule intimate time when heās off and less likely to be tired both emotionally and physically. Also, would it be possible for them to reduce their hours in some way? I realise that may not be an option though.
Scheduled time may not seem sexy, but it can often start things on the road to a better relationship. Good luck!
Are you able to recall the main thing that started the change in dynamics?
Sometimes certain events can cause this sort of thing and in many cases can be resolved with either some couples counselling or a good open heart to heart to reconnect and discover where each others heads are at.
Iām here right now as the OH is a bit of the same way, but I know itās mainly because of his work as heās extremely exhausted by the time he comes home so the thought doesnāt cross his mind much (manual labor in a steel factory) 
He has recently told me that heās just not that much into sex, though he does like it he prefers cuddling and lazing around together to having sex (it tires him out quite a bit, and often naps afterward) as he says thatās what he misses most when Iām gone visiting my family in the US He knows I wish we could have more intimate time together but until he can secure a better job thatās less physically taxing he knows he canāt really promise more, which is hard as toys arenāt the same as being with him 
He loves me more than anything though so I know once he has the energy to give he will try more 
Its hard isnt it, my partner is in military so its draining.
UPDATE
I gave him an ultimatum and simply said i can go without sex but what i canāt is you making me feel unwanted, the passionate kissing and the cuddles, the simple things. We ended up snuggling alot which was nice but im not sure how long it will last as this has happened before when i go to leave.
I hope this time is different, its hard one as i know nobody has or would ever make me feel like he does and he says how inlove with i am but hes tired with his job, its tiring for me to put up with his job as im lonely, carrying all the rest of the weight of family life on my shoulders.
I was hoping things would of progressed last night after the chat and snuggles however he did fall asleep with me.
We did speak about what we are open to trying, we use sex toys on me, i want to try on him too and he said yes but no anal play. We spoke about other things as we seem to only do 2 positions and not very adventurous anymore, i donāt know if its lack of time, family etc.
That sounds really positive @MasterOfSexToys and understand that its early days for you / been there before situation currently when you have made it clear how you feel and get that instant reaction.
Really hope it helps as you sound like a great couple who really loves each other , but just hit a real tough time.
We all need that spark , too be loved, cared for and wanted by our partner so natural for you to se doubts or have thoughts of calling it a day. A dry spell of no sex can be bridged by LH 
but you still need the affection / love / hugs / cuddles etc and tiredness is no excuse for that. So hopefully if you get the lovingness back , can then build on the bedroom fun.
It sounds like work is a huge driver and causing a nightmare for you both and certainly getting your OH down. Difficult to just switch things when we have bills to payā¦ but long term that maybe another option for you as work like balance / quality is a huge part of healthy minds.
Firm believer of working at things and donāt give upā¦ but if you try and try , still no change , feel unhappy then itās only going to spiral 
and we only live once and we all deserve to be happy.
I feel so much better today even mentally, theres flirty text but he said he wants to wait till hes off as he wants it to be perfect (to me there is no such thing as perfect sex) , annoyingly thats a few days away now.
He said the attraction etc was still there which is one of the things i thought it could be, im hoping for a very wet spell in a few days time.
All great news @MasterOfSexToys, Iām glad youre feeling better in yourself as your own mental health is the important thing, I hope things get better (and wetterā
) for you and this works out how you want. XxX
if not love honey will be sold out!
Sounds like a good first step and you have made your feelings clear so ball is in his court. Hope it works out for you, it can be a horribly loney position to be in.
This isnt the first time ive threatened to leave but this time i said i have already started looking at houses to move to.
Seems to be going okay but time will tell if he will continue with the effort that he put in and stopper prior.
My ex-wife and I were sexually active and regular until our child was born, thenā¦ nothing. When we split up, she specifically mentioned lack of sex but didnāt have a reason or excuse for it, it just dawned on us weād grown apart.
I hope thatās not the case with you but hope youāre able to talk about it. It was a wee bit similar with my current partner 10 years later but frankly Lovehoney keeps it busy now 
That is what i worry that we have and maybe forcing it, time will tell but im confident i can walk away if i need to, you get to the point where you canāt take it anymore.