Accusing the people who are trying to help you of not listening or not having a clue generally isn’t going to make people inclined to give helpful responses.
We know that your expectation of the trip was to have lots of sex, but what was her expectation?
You say that you had a heart attack 19 years ago and have been a couple for 20 years, so I’m guessing that she’s long past menopause. Is it possible that sex is uncomfortable or even painful for her? Is it possible that she’s just too tired for sex?
In your posts you come across as quite angry, so is it possible the problem is emotional? You say that it’s never all about you and that you do all these things for her because you love her, but is that how she feels?
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Respect your wife and give her time. Libido in women changes all the time. If you’re that desperate go and have a wank to some porn. You need to count your lucky stars she’s still able to offer you something from time to time. Others on this forum don’t have partners- due to other reasons. And you’re here moaning because you don’t get sex whilst on holiday. I understand it’s frustrating for you, but imagine how frustrating it is for her feeling pressured everyday you ask for sex and she just hasn’t got the libido. There’s other ways to pleasure each other rather than sex. My Mrs had major surgery couldn’t give me sex for almost 12 weeks, I bought a flashlight and self pleasured. I never once blamed her for not being able to pleasure me. I supported her and nursed her back to health.
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Ten shades. And Stacy, others…ok this is going to long, PLEAS BEAR WITH ME, give the courtesy of stating my point, with FACTS.
When I met my wife, she had just had a hysterectomy, and I got to sail through the circus ride of raging hormones for several years, I DID NOT COMPLAIN, had held her hand to help get through it. We married, and on our HONEYMOON, she got very ill due to an infection, we sailed through that episode upon our return, she immediately QUIT her job, because she would come home in tears, because of a bad boss who did not value her, and treated he as crap. AGAIN I was THERE, to help her get through that. Because I valued her, loved and respected her. I have helped her get free of student loans that would have crippled her income for DECADES, again, because it was the right thing to do. I have supported her through losses of friends, family, pets, and gave her a shoulder to lay her head on, because I love her. I went with her, and made sure she was safe, when she wanted to go on a pilgrimage to the mountains of South America.
We have been through3 houses, finally getting a home she adores, because she wanted it,and I have spent the last year pouring my sweat, and money into it to make it her sanctuary. I stood next to her as she went through 4 serious heart procedures, and helped her recover as much as possible. And 70 percent of our retirement income is from investments I made through my work, including swing shifts, 12 hour days for decades, to secure OUR future. I have in large part funded our worldwide adventures, one of which we are currently on.
SO! Yeah, OBVIOUSLY I’m an ogre, that ONLY thinks of himself…….it could not be further from the truth.
The posting I made was a genuine one, to help me understand how she is reacting with menopause, and life after hormones. I might not have put it well, and maybe sounded selfish, or angry. That was NOT my intent. Again I apologize to you and her if I was unkind. Thank you for your time.
We did not plan this vacation to have” lots of sex “, it just happens more when we are away on holiday. She does not experience pain when we make love, I am very gentle, always, and we tend to do things besides penetrate sex. She may be tired, we both are, after traveling. It is part of life. And she often says I am the best thing that ever happened in her life, “ HER words, I try to measure up to that high standard. I am the rock she has anchored herself to in a crazy world, would not have it any other way.
Please read my recent post. This holiday is not about me, it is about relaxing together, sex is a side effect of the fun, not a GOAL I’m not keeping score.
Well relax and don’t expect sex.
Ok right menopause. I have been through it and for me it was no easy ride. I did not feel sexy and had no body confidence. I threw away all my sexy lingerie, I had mood swings and felt tired all the time and had absolutely no desire for sex for 15 years. We didnt know what was going on with me but hubby stuck by me. Yes thats right we did not have sex for 15 years, i think most men would have left me but hubby didnt. Suddenly i got my mojo back and we now normally have sex about twice a week, i want it more but at the moment twice a week is pushing it with the stress hubby is under with his mum being seriously ill.
So all i can say is you are lucky that she is still interested, there are others on the forum going through this and will go through this to some degree.
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Exactly why I asked the question. To understand the situation and make the best of this time in our life. Thank you for your input.
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Sometimes things get lost in translation.
You say your just trying to understand, but your posts are filled with capitalized words for emphasis, but make me feel like I’m being yelled at by a certain world leader. You might have better results if you tagged this post as a rant, rather than a request for advice.
It’s one thing, for sure, to be frustrated by disappointing experiences and want a place to share it unfiltered with full risk of being misunderstood.
It’s another posture entirely to seek advice for a challenging season of life where things have changed and you feel umoored in your relationship.
Best course might be to try not to mix the different goals in the same post.
That said, there were only a couple things jumped out at me/stuck with me from your post. I don’t think I’ll do well with addressing them on mobile over my morning Joe, but the quick thoughts…
The thing about coffee - sometimes we do things for our partner out of habit or due to meanings we apply to them. Over time they can be taken for granted, surely, but also can just turn out it was a thing that didn’t ever matter to them. So I’m a space where turnabout would be fair play it just doesn’t occur to them. One thing I’m still trying to learn 22 years into my relationship, though, is that the sooner I can come around to naming what’s hurt me in a respectful way, the sooner we can get back to truly seeing each other. A day where I feel slighted in the morning, don’t name it, and sulk - or worse - all day rarely ends in a sexy romp.
The thing about playing tablet games for 6 hours - some people are shocked to discover they’re the same person on vacation that they are at home. Are you participating in the gaming, or doing your own thing for 6 hours? Is it by choice, by habit, or is age and disability requiring more in-the-flat rest time?
It sounds like you truly are in a challenging season with lots of things going on. One thing I think most folks here agree on is that you will get nowhere near what you’re looking for with your wife without communicating - even after 20 years. Even for psychologists. Unspoken expectations are guaranteed disappointments. There’s a difference between initiating and pressuring. Different people need different rest and relaxation on holiday (and for some people holiday is anything but restful or relaxing).
I hope these words find you well. I’m happy to receive rants if you need a space to rant and happy to share from past experiences and the wisdom of others if you need counsel, but it’s really challenging to try and mix both those things together.
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As a psychology enthusiast myself, I did think there’s a world of difference between psychology and telepathy - I can read moods, not minds. I may be able to tell when someone is angry, but unless I was there to witness the percieved transgression, I won’t always know what they’re angry about.
I did also mention this thread to my husband last night, and he also had only one word to say, “comm-u-ni-ca-tion”.
Everyone’s desire for sex ebbs and flows at some point.
There are so many reasons for this. Some of which are quite easy to articulate a reason for (health, stress, hormones, eaten too much, tired, other people around, not feeling sexy etc), some reasons are harder to explain and are more “just not where my head is at right now”, and they may have an underlying cause, but in the moment, the person doesn’t know what that is.
We can all come up with reasons why our desires for sex have diminished at various points, but that really doesn’t help you. You will just end up trying to find solutions to problems that don’t actually exist for your wife.
The only person who can explain it to you is your wife. She is the only person inside her head. And she’s only in her head, not yours. Yes, long term partners can have a certain amount of intuition about what is going on in their partner’s head, but this isn’t a foolproof guarantee that someone can always tell everything.
You need to speak to your wife. Ask her how she is feeling about sex and let her know how you are feeling. Then together, try and find a way to make you both happier
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I think if you had just asked about menopause and libido experiences (or lack of sex) and left it at that it would of been translated differently. The caps and you saying you was angry came across as a post purely out of anger, without thinking about your wife. I do apologise if my original comment was out of line as its clearly much deeper than that. I think we all take posts at face value on the internet which probably doesn’t help in such cases.
I wish you all the best 
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So Improbably did get off on the wrong foot to start. And, part of thereason I used so many caps, is to drive home the point that I am and ne er have been the guy who is only after what he can get, actually 180 degrees from me. I realize after all your comments that more communication is necessary, and I do a poor job of that at times. I can work on that. As far as the time In the flat gaming, I do not have disabilities, in fact am pretty healthy for my age, better than most. She likes to read, and I chose to spend time with her as opposed to going off on my own. Being with her feels better than going off on my own.
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Having read through this story only one other person picked up on the accommodation arrangements, but something else leapt out to me.
Going on holiday with other people just never really works. Even if it seems on the surface that you are all enjoying the meals and excursions, maybe she is inwardly wanting to scream and just biting her lip.
Putting your intimacy to one side, sharing a flat on holiday even wth separate bedrooms for two whole weeks means seeing them almost 24 hours a day. Posing such questions as is the toilet free ? etc. No wonder she only made herself a drink as it would may have meant making four, and she perhaps couldn’t be bothered, or has had enough of appeasing them.
There are two couples that we are friendly with and love dearly. We visit them and vice versa, but after about a few hours we’ve all had enough, a fortnight would ensure none of us spoke ever again .
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Well spotted. Sharing accommodation with people you know can be a passion killer. Hubby is not keen on having fun time when we have visitors staying over. Also you cant be as care free about nipping to the loo naked (unless you have an ensuite). Many years ago we shared a chalet with my sisters so there was no rumpy pumpy for two weeks.
Also my parents were in the attached chalet next door and i ended up cooking for six people every day, i did not get much of a holiday.
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Our friends both are older than us, and without their hearing aids in, mostly deaf. Unless we were screaming the house down, they likely would not hear us. Our rooms each had their own bathrooms, and it is Italy, stone and concrete walls, very soundproof.
Not especially helpful.
Apologies for being blunt. However the way you wrote the original post, you made it sound like it was all about you. People were advisable, and you argued it wasn’t about you. That’s not how you portrayed your post. However you did state sex is all part of the fun of being on holiday, and you wasn’t getting any sex. So people advised you further. Then you just kept arguing your case that you ain’t just after sex. Every reply you had from others wasn’t enough for you. You wanted people to agree with you.
I even stated the fact that you making your partner feeling pressured into sex how do you think that makes her feel? You again had another answer for that, that was again turned to you. I’m sorry you’re going through this spell in your relationship, but you need to give your lady a break and don’t expect sex when you want it. Eventually she will come round. However in the mean time enjoy alone time and when sex does happen it may even feel rather special for the both of you.
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I just went back and read my original post….well, that was enlightening. I can say, that I did come across as quite perturbed when I wrote it. I was very frustrated at the time. We value our times away from the rigors of home, when we get the chance to relax, we have often come back from vacation energized and ready for the challenges that await us. Having some intimacy along the way enhances that reserve. It is rare we get away for any extended time and not enjoy each other physically. When you get to a certain age you relish the time together because there will be fewer moments to be had as time inevitably marches on.
We have enjoyed the company of our friends and the many sights and tastes of Puglia Italy, and will relive the experience for many years.
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Oh, and I forgot to mention that I never, never force or coerce my wife into having sex. It is always a mutual pleasure for us. To me, it is not her duty as so many men think, it is a shared pleasure and should always be that way.
She is a strong woman, I know how she would react to pressure, and it would not be a good day for me, or anyone else who pushed he to do anything she did not want to do.
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