Life after sex?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Ok,

So not been on in a long while, because i don’t really have any input into all your sexual lives anymore and i’m seriously jealous you all still have sex!

Any way

So we’ve been married 17 years together 22, had a very long stint of no sex due to my past sexual trauma which i didn’t share till i was 35, he was brilliant, got me therapy and our sex life began!

Had lots of great sex, i lost 7 stone, was fit, healthy, covid happened and i started web camming, he got jealous, angry, aggressive, his mum died suddenly during covid, and my brother in law/ sister in law found my web cam account, paid to view my content and then tried to black mail me, they outted me to our family and friends, i lost my life as i knew it, in a day.

I gained all my weight back, we continued to argue, and just drift.

A year ago we decided to do date night every Friday, to re ignite things, but nothing changed.

I sort him out every few days, blow jobs, hand jobs, but he isn’t at all interested in sex with me, its been months, 5 i think so far.
He doesn’t touch me at all, and he doesn’t like me touching myself, i don’t want to get into the discussion of its your body, as i have to live with the arguments.

I sort myself when he’s at work, save my sanity and i can relax with him judging me.

My question is, how do people cope? I feel like i’m just a maid at times, and i’m avoiding Saturday morning time before the kids get up, or Friday nights when the kids are out, because its easier than feeling rejected.

I thought about maybe anti depressants as i know some loose there drive altogether, but my job is still sex work so i talk sex all day.

Can a marriage last without any sexual contact?

Or am i just overthinking?

10 Likes
2

I have followed your story for a few years now and the relationship you have sounds very one sided. You seem to be the giver / carer in the relationship. I have been married 38 years now, sex is totally off the agenda now due to health reasons but our relationship is superb. I would hate to give any advice that may be wrong for you but I hope you sort things out as a marriage needs to be two way and you deserve better. Good luck.

5 Likes
3

hugs I wish I knew what to say, or offer some kind of advice or help, but I have nothing :disappointed:

I can’t imagine what you have to deal with.

Is the marriage something you still want to be part of? It sounds very unequal, he gets his gratification when he wants it, but you’re not allowed to?

I imagine a relationship CAN survive without sex, as long as everything else is good and there’s communication. It doesn’t come across that this is the case in yours :disappointed:

I echo @steve19‘s point that you deserve better but ultimately it’s your life and only you can make that decision.

Remember we’re here even if you just want to dip in and say hi, or vent, you have support here :purple_heart:

5 Likes
4

Thank you x

I don’t have any friends or family to confide in, so sometimes it gets unbearable.

5 Likes
5

I’m with the others, I’ve followed you from the beginning with all the ups and downs.

From my point of view, you deserve so much better. This relationship is completely one sided and it’s taking it’s toll on you. It doesn’t matter what age you are, you can always restart over, it’s never too late.

Anti depressants may numb your current feelings, but they’re not dealing with the actual problem.

We’re all here for you, but I think it’s time you got out of this relationship 🩷

9 Likes
6

I so much agree. You deserve someone who loves you. Clearly, regardless of what he says, he doesn’t. And as someone said to me when I was going through my problems over a decade ago, you can’t be with the right person whilst you’re still with the wrong one.

Hard as it is, your life has a chance to improve with someone else. I think time shows he isn’t the answer.

7 Likes
7

Like a lot have already said, i have followed your story for a while now, from camming to pay for surgery abroad, which we all advised against, to your partner’s jealousy, his gaslighting behavior, him going in dry with no foreplay and hurting you all the time, to involving his friend that you hinted was against your will, to the despicable inlaws outing you.

Antidepressants won’t change your situation, only get you addicted to a crutch that will affect you in other ways.
I know you said you have a child on the spectrum, so i realise you’re in a tricky situation.
But it seems to be a situation you need to get out of, there’s literally nothing in it for you. You deserve better, and a life away from the gaslighting and using you as a piece of meat.
Only you can make that decision and get out. All we can do is sympathise and advise you.
Can you not squirrel away some of your online earnings to get a financial start on your own?
There’s plenty of us here if you need support or advice. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

8 Likes
8

Hey @Justthetwoofus2007

In answer to your question about relationships surviving without sexual contact then yes they can but only if everything else in the relationship is good.
But the main issue here is that your relationship appears to be incredibly one sided.

As everyone has already said antidepressants are not a long term fix for the problems you’re having and why should you feel that you need to drug yourself to cope with rejection? None of this is fair on you, it still sounds like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid arguments. I know we’ve all said it before but it’s not a healthy way to live. It’s pretty clear ( from past posts) that your OH isn’t interested in changing, he’s getting what he needs and isn’t concerned with yours at all.

Personally, I agree with @WillC, try to stash a little bit of your earnings away each week to try to give yourself some kind of financial cushioning. It won’t be easy, especially as you have children but there must be some level of help and assistance you can get.

It’s terribly sad but it really sounds like your marriage has run it’s course.
We’re all here to offer advice so don’t be a stranger :hugs:

6 Likes
9

Sounds like you’d be good for some form of marriage counselling or some professional therapist for this kind of thing if you’re both wanting to try and fix it.

2 Likes
10

@Justthetwoofus2007, I am sorry if this is speaking out of turn and not what you want to hear. But from your post, it seemed that wanted confirmation from the forum, to up and leave. Given what you have suffered I am not judging, I think that you really want a sex less relationship. I think it needs an honest conversation with your OH, does he want a relationship which includes sex an intimacy, which you crave, or you should both consider calling it a day.

5 Likes
11

Talk to him about it, if he wont support its time to move on…

3 Likes
12

Unfortunately leaving isn’t an
Option, i have no friends or family and i can’t support us on my wages alone.
My eldest has also been recently been diagnosed adhd and autistic too, so she’s trying to work her way thro that.

So both children really need my all, and they love their dad.

I need a way of getting through to him, but I’m selective mute myself, i find conflict or arguments really stressful and so i just shut down

1 Like
13

Hi, sorry to read that you’re still struggling. I wouldn’t advise going down the antidepressants route unless you really need them for your mental health because they come with lots of possible side effects that can last long after you come off them. It’s also worth noting that there is some evidence that autistic people are more sensitive to antidepressants than non autistic people - I’m wondering if you are also autistic from your mention of shutdowns and being selective mute (although is it really selective or part of a shutdown? I’m thinking out loud, no need to answer that!) Sorry if I’m completely wrong!

Could you try communicating with your husband by letter? I find it much easier to get my true feelings across in writing because I can take my time, I won’t shutdown or have a meltdown and it’s just less stressful.

It really doesn’t sound like a happy or healthy relationship for you though. If I remember rightly you have tried suggesting couples counselling to him and he turned it down? I really think counselling is your best option here if you are sure you don’t want to leave. Personally, from what you’ve said here and in the past I would suggest leaving but I know that’s not what you want.

Is it mainly the camming that has caused this? Is there any option to change career so that you can stop?

3 Likes
14

I’ve nothing new to add to whats already been said, my advice would’ve been to leave but I understand thats not an option for you. It makes me so sad that you’re thinking of anti depressants to dull your sex drive. You shouldn’t be in a relationship that makes you feel like you need to medicate yourself to get through it.
Could you reach out to any of your old friends and see if theres any kindness there? Not necessarily for them to take you in as that would probably be unrealistic. As far as you giving blow jobs and hand jobs, I’d stop that, why should he get relief when he’s not willing to share it?!
I echo someones suggestion of looking for a different job, outside of the home preferably so that you’re not isolated.
Look at what support is available locally, I can’t remember what country you’re in but surely theres council housing. I will say that looking after yourself needs to be your priority, so that you can look after the kids, put on your oxygen mask first.

5 Likes
15

I expect there are some long answers to your dilemma, but I can only think of a short one: that’s not a relationship; that’s control.

I doubt that a man who accepts sexual ‘favours’ from you, but offers nothing in return and even tries to stop you giving yourself pleasure has any interest whatsoever in your satisfaction or happiness.

It’s not even about sex. It’s about one human being being completely unfair and unreasonable to another one. You deserve better.

8 Likes
16

I’m new to your story, but reading other’s comments would tell me that you need to leave. He sounds toxic, his family sounds toxic, you deserve much, much better.

Some years ago I had a poly relationship with a man like your husband. I should have seen the red flags the day he wanted an online journal like the one I had with my husband: the first entry he made in it was one all about his insecurities, and how I would have to accomodate them to keep him happy. My Mum said he looked like a very angry man but I didn’t see that anger, I loved him - he was handsome, smart and funny, a man in uniform with deep brown eyes and tattoos. I should have ran, like you, I should have ran away. He was actually looking to cheat on his wife, and I believed somehow that loving me would somehow keep him faithful. Even if he said he loved me, he was never willing to tell his wife about me - he was too scared of what she might say.

But like you, I believed I could love him all better.

He used to mock my hair, which I admit can look a little disshevelled at times (I have a tendency to play with my hair when I’m stressed and it seems to make it go static :joy: ). He would poke fun at the things I still had to do, that I didn’t or couldn’t get done. He rarely supported what I did do, he was more about what I didn’t do.

I’ve never forgotten the joke he made of me once, he was hoist by his own petard. In a text, he said "you’ve realised your worth then :joy: ". In that very moment, I realised that I was worth much more. So I left him: I got healthier, I got busier, I found a great support network, I worked harder. I didn’t do any of it to prove myself to him, I did it to prove myself to me - to prove to myself that I don’t need him, and that I am not any of the things he said I am.

My life is much better now, and I am so loved and desired. I have two amazing partners, an ever-increasing following on my blogs, and some great friends here on the LH forum. As for him? Eh, who cares about him? He moved on? I was happy for her, she can have him - I don’t want him anymore anyways. He went out with the rest of my garbage - I guess one (wo)man’s trash really is another (wo)man’s treasure!

Sweet, please listen to this advice: no matter how much you may want to, you cannot love someone who doesn’t truly love themself.

3 Likes
17

There are so many wonderful people here and @Justthetwoofus2007 I wish I could come and hug you.

There is always a way.
Im single (boyfriend), not on a big wage, maintenance about to stop, son off to uni soon. Life is very uncertain.

But Im happier than I can ever recall. I am lucky to have supportive people around me but Id rather be in a shelter than with a man who doesn’t respect me.

Please get help and look for a way out x

7 Likes
19

Sorry for the delay, i can’t log in when he’s around, just incase.

Thank you, everyone, i know what i should be doing, but at the moment my daughter is going into final 2 years at school and my boy just in secondary.
i’m trying hard to keep them steady and cope with there school environment changing.

I have been saving, but cash app blocked my account and refused me access to my funds. It’s been a year, and sadly looks like that nest egg id been hiding i’m never gonna see again.

Today was slightly better, we did some decorating together this afternoon and he actually had fun.

He admitted that he is struggling to feel anything lately, and he did say he had been reading online about testosterone levels.
I’ll be honest i didn’t push it, I let him speak.

I find it hard to trust people after my in laws outted me, and i do shy away, so this is my only outlet.

1 Like
20

@Justthetwoofus2007 reading what you are going through is so sad, the fact you can only go on the forum when he is not about, shows that at a level he is controlling.

You have this forum with its members as support and a sounding board for any decision you wish to make.

Isn’t there a women’s refuge or some other such organisation which you could speak to when he isn’t around, to gain support and explore options. Appreciate what you say about your children, but children are surprisingly resilient and adaptable to change, it cannot go unnoticed by them how unhappy you are.

Please listen to your inner voice, if it is telling you to go then go, if it is telling you to stay then I think you need to both attend counselling sessions to get your life back on track. If he won’t attend with you then honestly ty he isn’t invested in your relationship and you will become increasingly miserable.

2 Likes
21

I can understand your concerns re the kids but they are very resilient like @DLJL has said. I idea of seeing whats out there whilst he is at work is a great idea. I was concerned about your account being blocked and you may never see your funds again. Why was it blocked and why will you not see funds again. I would be jumping up and down about that. Do they think the funds are linked to crime/drugs/sex ? If not I cannot see any reason. Please pursue this as the money is yours.

2 Likes