Looking for more advice on spicing things up with wife

Sex Tips & Talk
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Well hello everyone. It’s been a long while… I posted last year a topic about needing some help with being a bit more assertive and dominating with my wife in bed. Well, that helped out a great deal and now I’m looking for some new tips, with some added details. I apologize in advice for a long post here, I will try to shorten as much as I can, haha.

So to make a very long story short, things got very quiet last Summer/Fall due to our marriage encountering its lowest and most challenging point in its 12 years. I would like to not expand on the details, but to put it simply and bluntly my wife was essentially having an “emotional affair”. Thankfully it never got to a physical one (the other party was someone many hours away), but the revelation was gut-wrenching to say the least. And honestly it was to both of us. But that revelation led to a lot of changes with the two of us, and I am VERY happy to report that after a LOT of honest, open communication, therapy and love our marriage is probably at its best point that it’s been in many, many years. The two of us communicate daily about so much that we never used to, and everything, including sex, is a much more open thing now. Maybe it is strange to say, but this event served as a huge eye-opener for both of us that has really turned this marriage around. I feel like we have not been this close almost since we even got married. We both used to be quiet with one another and not really communicate in ways that we should have. Now we talk constantly, spend a lot more time together, and do more family activities. It’s been over half a year now since that incident occurred and I have absolutely zero reason to believe it ever would again. That was really shortening the story, and like I said I don’t feel the need to go into detail there, but it goes along with what I was going to be talking and asking about, so I wanted to share.

So anyway, the topic at hand… I have been listening to advice about how to be more assertive and so far it’s been working great. We have also recently begun talking about sex much more than we ever have before, and we’re finding a lot about each other that we should have already known (we’re both in our mid-late 30’s) but we never did because we didn’t talk about it. We did that carnal calibration test a long while ago, but after we got ourselves back on track with one another and started openly communication we decided to do it again. And this time we really discussed it afterwards too. So she is actually very interested in doing more with toys, and even getting into some “tame” BDSM, such as being tied up and blindfolded. This is all kind of uncharted territory both of us but we are both very interested in trying it. She does have a vibrator…just a basic wireless wand one…and we’ve used that together a couple of times, but not really much…that’s something we want to get into. She has also shared she’s open to introducing other toys instead of just a wand for the outside. Again, we have been pretty tame up until now. I’m just sort of looking for some advice and “how-to”s on kicking things up. Like sure I’d love to tie her up, but it’s awkward for me because I don’t know how, haha. Or I’d love to talk to her about other toys, but don’t really know how to bring it up or what are even good options. I also really want to make foreplay last a lot longer. I’ve thought maybe a shower together before we start would be great, but then I worry that would take away from foreplay? I don’t know…so anyway, help a guy out again. Haha. Let me know what I can do to really get her excited!

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In terms of tying her up, there are loads of resources about rope out there, from books to YouTube videos to classes if you want to go down that route but in the meantime, maybe look at an under bed restraint set which sits under the mattress and gives you points to attach cuffs to. Or if you have an appropriate headboard on the bed, you may be able to cuff her to it and use a spreader bar for her legs.

In terms of new toys, why not have a look at the Lovehoney site together and see what you both like the look of? That or Lovehoney do a lot of sex toy kits which have a variety of sex toys in them so you can try different things.

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Sounds like the two of you are doing great things together.
I think you need to change your thinking of what foreplay is, a shower is absolutely foreplay. You’re both naked and touching each others bodies. How is that not foreplay? :wink: Foreplay isn’t just oral sex or wanking, its anything that gets you excited. And if you’re going to dabble in BDSM, it would be a great way to show love and tenderness before any impact play or bondage. You could also shower together afterwards, after you’ve cuddled, had some water and maybe some chocolate. And have that shower to have the tenderness again. Really everything from one sexual experience to the next is foreplay. I’m a big fan of showering together, can you tell :wink:

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congratulation for getting back on track and even better than ever, that’s great! LH sells several bondage kits, with adjustable under mattress clips and cuffs that is a comfortable way to dip a toe into the BDSM deal.

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I’d strongly recommend the Lovehoney under bed restraint system. The cuffs that come with it are velcro, so very easy to take on and off. You can clip the wrist and ankle restraints to each other, so she doesn’t always need to be tied to the bed if you want some “behind the back” position fun too.

The under bed system is really easy to hide too when you’re not using it - just tuck the straps under the mattress and you don’t know it’s there.

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Thank you for the advice!! I’m going to look into the under bed restraints for sure… I think another part of this I get nervous about is how exactly to initiate it…? I sound so naive :rofl: but it’s like, how do you all start that kind of thing? Just saying “Hey can I tie you up now” just sort of seems like the wrong way to go about it, hahaha. Im trying to get better with “in the moment” kind of talk/action.

And to sort of give background as to why even little things are kind of a big deal to me, sex isn’t something that occurs often with us. And this isn’t due to any issues with the marriage at all, especially now. The issue is my wife has a condition that causes her a great deal of pain almost constantly in that whole area. Usually, she gets a few “good” days a month, maybe a week each month if lucky. That combined with us being parents and having to deal with asking family to be a sitter if we want to have an overnight date makes sex an extremely difficult thing to plan and schedule, unfortunately. We aren’t a couple with the luxury of just being able to do it whenever we want to. So when it does get to happen, I put a lot of pressure on myself in my mind because it’s basically a situation of not knowing when the next time could be. A couple months, a year, more??? I know putting pressure on myself is a terrible idea, but I can’t help but to do that in this situation. So basically, especially now, I have so many things I want to try and I get so excited that when it comes time I have had a habit of just kind of forgetting it all and freezing up. I do know that now things will be a lot different because of how we are together at this point. There is a lot more comfort and communication between us now. But just giving some background here…

And as for foreplay, I would LOVE shower foreplay. We’ve done it a few times years ago, and also done baths together too, and it’s really hot as hell. I guess I just get worried because, at least in the past, she tends to be more of a “get impatient and want the main course” girl, and so after a 20 or 30 min shower together she’s like…ready to go. :rofl: And I am more of a person who could have foreplay for literal hours and not get tired of it. Haha. So one thing we talked about is I love giving oral to her, but a lot of times she pulls away and does not want me to do that. She now explained to me that it’s not because she doesn’t want it, she loves it, but she gets worried about not being “clean enough” at that time. So I was thinking maybe a shower together beforehand would kind of solve that issue in her mind. I like what you said about it being a comfort thing too…and I agree!! I think it would be great.

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So pleased to hear you’ve managed to save and heal your marriage, this in itself is a mega milestone of accomplishment :partying_face:

From the sounds of it your doing loads better on progressing with experimentation on different things and to keep the communication open as well is key, so I’d say just say to her what is her thoughts on these ideas you’ve got and go from there :nerd_face:

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I’m sure lots of people here will give you a lot of ideas and helpful comments, i will only tell you one “secret” … most of us… don’t know what to to either, at some point or another, every “expert” found themselves in that newbie position.

You know and your wife knows you are not an expert, so HAVE FUN! if you don’t know something tell her “lets try this”, and if it doesn’t work right at first laugh together, have fun with it, be silly if needed. Try to learn as much as possible and then go for it! If you tie her up and the knot got loose tell her “next time you wont escape me!” Grab her with your hands (if that’s a thing for her)

Another thing, try to add some novelty by surprise… plugs, dildos, cuffs… the unexpected can sometimes be very exciting

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Thanks for the tips!! And I actually think I agree that maybe some surprise would be fun. She seems to really enjoy me taking charge and just telling her how things will go, so I’m thinking of maybe just getting some new things and just pulling them out in the moment as a surprise. So the only toy she has is a pretty basic wireless silicone wand vibrator. Nothing that goes “in”, haha. If I wanted to step it up a bit and introduce something else, what would be the best route? Maybe a g-spot vibrator? I will say she is NOT into any kind of anal play, so those options are a no go, but she seemed to be open to other things when we have talked. Me personally I am huge into watching her enjoy herself. I probably get the most turned on by just watching her reactions to things. Then we can deal with me later. So anything that would really get her going and make some big reactions would be awesome.

Also I had another question, about myself really. So I am not a “big guy” in terms of weight. Pretty average with a bit of a belly (hence dad bod lol). But one thing unfortunately about me is I am very out of shape. My stamina during sex is really good, in terms of lasting a while, but what gives is the rest of my body. I get extremely out of breath and start sweating, and that sometimes really ruins things for me. I was hoping maybe for some position tips that would make things a bit easier for me? I will say that we have so far been pretty vanilla in positions. It’s almost always on the bed, and whether it’s missionary or behind I’m pretty much always on my knees in some way and that seems to be a big cause for my issues. Any suggestions there? Any other guys have the same problem? Haha

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Maybe it will be best to take advice from our straight friends, and not a gay guy, but here are some ideas for what is worth :sweat_smile:

About toys:

  • I would go for something like a Clitoral tongue vibrator
  • Maybe some good vibrator like a “rabbit vibrator” nothing too big or hardcore…
  • Why not a sexy lingerie?
  • You could try a penis ring with clitoral vibrator?

Some Ideas:

  • You could also play with senses, blindfold, a sensual massage… oils, hot and cold…
  • You could also use language if she is into it, dirty talk, sexting… a bit of teasing
  • Do it in a different place, in the shower, on the couch…

About the stamina… Honestly, think long term. If being out of shape is the main problem, get in shape, you don’t have to be a model or a gym bro, just some cardio, something that will 1. improve your stamina 2. improve your health 3. improve your attractiveness to your partner… Sure you can try other positions, but if you improve yourself you will improve any position… If you weightlift you will be able to carry her and “move her around”, if you do stretching you may be able to do positions that you can’t now… So… that’s my advise.

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I’m sorry to hear you’ve gone through some challenges in your marriage, but glad to hear its actually had a positive impact on strengthening your relationship.

Stepping into unchartered waters is overwhelming yet invigorating at the same time. We’ve recently stepped it up a notch in the bedroom and delving into things I never thought we would. The turning point for us seems to have been hubby getting the snip and getting a lock on our bedroom door. We are both completely out of shape, far from looking our best and exhausted from bringing up young kids but our sex drives seems to have improved. Like you we really struggle to schedule time with no kids (excited for our first kid free night next weekend!) so have to be selective with what we get up to.

Some things that have worked for us that might be of benefit are:

  • The underbed restraint system recommendation is a great idea. It can be there all the time so no time wasted preparing. The first time we used it (it had been installed a couple of months prior), my hubby laid out a splash blanket (highly recommended!!) and put on top the restraints, some lingerie and a couple of toys. It was a surprise for me when I finished in the shower. It saved any awkward conversations but very clearly showed me what he wanted to do to me.
  • Definitely invest in some toys. If she enjoys the feeling of oral you could look into some clit suction vibrators. I have a Womanizer classic and love it. I also have a couple of glass dildos and bullet vibrators that I enjoy. Haven’t delved into the world of rabbits yet but there are heaps on the Lovehoney site so you could read some reviews on the site.
  • Investing in some lingerie/babydolls might add a bit of spice. Crotchless underwear are a fave of mine at the moment to take advantage of a quicky if the opportunity arises.
  • Downloading the Spicer App to look at other things you may both be interested in. I find the maybe list the most interesting because it’s things that we might not have ever thought about but open to discussing further. We have also started experimenting with the Dares section. The chat function allows for sharing of links of toys/lingerie/porn we like and seductive messages that won’t be seen by prying eyes.
  • You haven’t mentioned Porn but it’s something I’m enjoying watching mutually. Neither of us have been big on watching porn or masturbating solo but watching Porn together has certainly opened up discussions about experimenting with different positions etc.

Sorry for the essay but I hope some of this is helpful!

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You mention showering together night take away from foreplay but as Jocat says it can be part of it.
Invest in some high end toiletries with a good scent and go for it with getting very soapy.
A GF of mine loved being in the shower, me standing behind her with my arms wrapped round her, washing her from behind.
For a very simple twist, add some fairly plain white underwear or a tee shirt (on either of you) and watch it go semi-transparent and rather clingy as it gets wet. A GF of mine had a slinky, satin slip-dress for precisely this purpose and it looked amazing as it transformed from flowing, swishy material to a see-through covering that clung to every curve :yum:
Don’t worry about the fitness thing. As sex gets more regular again you’ll get fitter anyway but until then, just work to your limits. Going slow is just as good as pounding away like a gym god!

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Wow you all have really come through with some great advice!! I appreciate it all. I’m definitely thinking of ordering maybe some ties, and also a new toy. Since she seems to love the vibrator I’m thinking of going with maybe a rabbit or g-spot one to sort of add some more to it. I am just still worried in my mind that ordering these things myself and just surprising her would backfire in some way. But I also tend to be quite nervous about these things. She has made it pretty clear to me that she is very open to exploring more and wanting me to take charge, so doing a bit of shopping myself and telling her at that time “this is what’s going to happen” would maybe be the right step?

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If you want a rabbit or g-spot toy you cannot go wrong with the fifty shades rabbit:

https://www.lovehoney.eu/sex-toys/vibrators/rabbit-vibrators/p/fifty-shades-of-grey-greedy-girl-g-spot-rabbit-vibrator/a31710g54811.html

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Hi @RockinDadBod, I’m a bit late to this thread, sorry! It sounds like you’ve come a long way in your relationship and continuing to talk about what you both want is brilliant.

Just a few thoughts:

Personally, I think it would be better if you tell her about this first rather than surprising her because, as you said, it could backfire in some way (although I’m a little on the overcautious side too!). Perhaps you could tell her that you are thinking about buying some light restraints and a vibrator and ask if she is happy with that and if she would like to chose them with you or would like a surprise? That way you’re not risking a complete surprise but allowing her some element of surprise if that’s what she wants?

I also wouldn’t surprise her with the bondage idea without discussing it first. Even for very mild bondage, you should discuss safe words and what you plan to do so that you are both comfortable with it. (I’m sure you’re already well informed and already know all that but just in case!)

How about some standing positions? If you position her on her back on the bed with her bum at the edge of the bed and lift her legs onto your shoulders. That works for us but you need a high enough bed or put some cushions / a wedge under her bum. I also enjoy sex standing with one foot on the bed, the other on the floor and using the bed frame for support while he enters from behind.

Sorry to hear about your wife’s pain, I can relate there having a similar issue which causes pelvic pain and nerve pain in that area. I’m ok now but it took a long time to get to this point and I still struggle with sex. I hope things improve for her too, being in pain is horrible, expecially in that area!

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@RockinDadBod - sounds like you are doing great in terms of talking, listening, improving your relationship. Congratulations!

Great advice here from forum members too. My own little additions would be:

Foreplay: sounds like a real issue with your wife’s pelvic pain, and this may make it hard but can you book in a date night to explore? Me and my wife love a bath together - we don’t tend to do sexy stuff in there, but we relax, chat, have candles, music and drinks. It is foreplay in the sense that it brings us closer together, relaxes us, gets us lovely and clean and is a great way to shake the day off before getting on the bed together!

Massages: are a big one for us - invest in some great smelling massage oil (eucalyptus is great) and gets us both ‘in our bodies’

Toys: if you want to try new things, ask for permission to buy a few for her that you can bring out on your date.

Date: can you get a night in a hotel? That can really help with getting in the mood.

Stamina: try lying on the bed in a comfy position and having a toy marathon on her - see if she will show you how she likes it. Try taking it in turns. Many women are able to have many orgasms in a row (not making any assumptions) and maybe you can just make the focus on her pleasure, have fun finding out what feels good for her (and making her come X times!!!) before letting yourself come into ‘land’!

Have fun adventures!

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Wow that’s a lot of really good advice. Thank you!

So, we actually do have a date night scheduled. Coming up really soon in just a week. She used to be very opposed to ever scheduling anything, because she prefers things be spontaneous, but unfortunately we have both come to the realization that having a kid combined with her having so much of an issue with pain, we don’t have any other choice. Sadly she really only gets a few days each month where her pain is at least “at bay” enough to make sex something that would be possible. We are both really excited though…

She has stated before to me many times that she LOVES getting massages from me, so I’m stocked with two different types of massage oils…hahaha. I’ll let her decide which scent she prefers. I figure that may be a good way to get things started…after a shower maybe… I do really want that to happen because she seems very opposed to me giving oral unless she’s “freshly cleaned” and I LOVE doing that, so I’d like to ensure that happens. :rofl:

I also went ahead and purchased another toy…I figured it would be fun to explore, maybe bring it out as a surprise and see where that goes. Now this is going to sound like an extremely naive question from someone who isn’t new to this, haha, but women can have multiple orgasms before even getting into sex? I know she has before, she’s a bad faker, but I guess I have always sort of worried that if she gets so “satisfied” during foreplay that she would have less interest for the main event? I’m assuming I am completely wrong in that regard? Haha…. Thanks all for entertaining all of my questions!!

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Hi @RockinDadBod

Sounds like you are on the right track! Booking date nights is probably one of the single most important things in my own relationship. If you have kids and life is busy, you have to agree romance is a priority - and priorities take planning! Otherwise something else always gets in the way - or just fall asleep dead tired (that’s our story anyhow)

To answer your question about women and multiple orgasms before sex, or what you call “the main event” - I have a different view.

If I’m with my wife and she has an orgasm - that’s a main event for me! (and definitely her)

Over the years (older now) we have changed how we have sex, what we view as sex. I would say that it’s probably much more female centered, and definitely more sensual and pleasurable.

I often joke, “it’s like sex, but sexier!”

My wife - like many other women - has the capacity to have an orgasm and keep going. I can’t do that (and am a little jealous :slight_smile: )

All I can say is that by really looking into what gets my wife turned on, and shaping our sex around that, has been the MOST rewarding thing. If she has five orgasms in a night - I am beaming :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes:

Essentially she masturbates with fingers and toys - and all sorts of playing around from both of us - while I have my P in her V, looking her in the eye (both propped up on pillows, sitting up facing her)

Often, when she is eventually getting tender she will ask me what I want at the end of that, and often she finishes me off very slowly and teasingly by hand, and sliding my P around her clit - or a slow blowjob.

There are many ways to reach the promised land :slight_smile:

In short - the more orgasms your wife has in a night, the happier she is likely to be - but we are all different. Some people are “one and done”. Ultimately you have to ask her what she likes / wants and work around that.

Read Come as You Are by Dr Emily Nagoski about female sexuality - there’s a podcast also. Brilliant!

Have fun exploring!

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