Monster in my head - update

Off-Topic Chat
1

I’m still around, lurking in the background, just not so active and not reading as may posts.
Main reason is to not feed the monster I guess, I find that I am a ‘want something, I’ll find a way to have it’ kind of guy, and that is really not a good thing at the moment.

I’m pleased to report, as difficult as the last 6 weeks have been, I’ve not acted out at all (i.e. not looked for a hook-up or found a sex worker). My little monster (or little Mr_Kink) keeps thrashing about insisting it is the right thing to do, it will make me feel better, get it done with then I can move on.
Adult Mr_Kink knows better though, and knows that if I went that route, I would feel nothing but shame, guilt and remorse, which puts me at high risk of reaching for the bottle or any narcotics that are readily available.
I have to say, I am quite proud of myself for keeping the monster at arms length at least, and being true to my values and morals. Mrs_Kink means a lot to me, I still love her, and I have to give myself time to process, grieve and accept the loss. Both she, and I for that matter, deserve some respect and loyalty. Jumping into bed with someone to please my monster is neither of those.
It is nice to type that, as I don’t give myself the credit for not acting out and taking the ‘easy option’ I used to take.
It feels never ending of course, and this is all new for me, dealing with a breakup in recovery.
My past solutions were always drink, drugs and hook-ups of whatever kind I could arrange.

So where does that leave me? As I have said a while back to Mrs_Kink (currently not talking as I need that distance, thats another story altogether), I am calling this the year of Mr_Kink.
Time for me to really find myself, the inner me, and piece together where all my defective stuff is coming from. End goal is to find, and be, my authentic self.

Sounds incredibly simple like that, doesn’t it?
Its a big year of self-examination, looking under some very scary rocks I don’t want to look under. It seems that the defense system I have put in place over the years to protect little me from being vulnerable and getting hurt is hugely complex, and appears a huge battle ahead. One of my beliefs right there, be strong, be thorough, be perfect. Yet that approach will leave me where I am right now. I have to do all the things that are not instinctive to me; be kind to myself, sit with myself, be patient, give myself time. Have some fun with people (clothed fun, I might add).
So perhaps things should be easier than I think they will be, who knows. Analysis paralysis coming out too.
And of course, the other big thing I need to focus on. My spirituality. I have not been spiritually well, when my Monster is raging, I’m going toe to toe, facing him off. I actually need to just have a little faith, a little patience, and a whole lot more love for me, for my monster.
Before the relationship ended, we were getting along a lot better. It transpires there is a lot more in terms of codependence for me than I thought, a whole new layer to recovery. And I am starting to realize that this is perhaps the foundation to everything for me (the drink, drugs, sex, and kink).

4 years of recovery, and here I am. Me, myself and my Monster. It’s a whole new chapter, feels like a world of pain ahead, and a lot of loneliness. Yet, I have faith. I will come out the other side, and when I do, I will be far closer to my authentic self, for better or for worse.
I will be able to esteem myself, and dare I say it, find love for myself and be proud to introduce the real me to the world.

That seems to have been a little intense and deep, not sure it was what I was expecting this to be (certainly longer!).

Hope you’re all keeping well my friends, and I would like to express a big thank you to you all for your support and kind words this year. It really has made a big difference, and why I am still about.
I will defo be changing my name at some point - but that may wait until I’m on the other side!

15 Likes
2

Sending all the strength and good vibes to you, you’ve totally got this. You’re doing amazing.

2 Likes
3

Wow, this sounds tough.
Just keep going with the sensible way, as you know that’s the best way.
Plenty of fresh air and a lower amount of social media time will work wonders, as it did for me.

Keep strong :muscle:

1 Like
4

Sounds like you are a good path and I wish you all the success . I have had friends go down a similar path . All turned out well , some took longer to get there . But it sounds like you have understood much of the issues . Good luck !

1 Like
5

Sorry your goig through auch a hard time right now. Just wanted to send big hugs :people_hugging:

Looking under rocks is scary but very worthwhile. Sitting alone with yourself in the dark and facing things you may not be comfortable with is never easy. (Ive been doing alot of it recently too so your not alone). I know its difficult, but you’ve got this. You’ve helped alot of people on here, your posts are always informative and insightful.

I know everyone will say this ad nauseam (so feel free to skip this bit). But i always find getting some fresh air, seeing friends, mixing up my routine all really help my mood when I’m going through a rough patch. It might feel rubbish the first time,( and the second time and possibly also the third ) but little things like making time for yourself, going for a nice cup of tea or a trip some where fun, packing a picknick, having a movie night at home all really help in small ways

Look after yourself dude. I hope everything goes better for you.

3 Likes
6

Ah @Mr_Kink1 , what a rough uneasy road you’re traveling. I reckon there’s a lot of us beside you along the way. This forum’s great for helping each other, be it with advice, reassurance, or even just to know someone’s listening.
You’re strong, even if it doesn’t feel like it, but it doesn’t hurt to lean on us when you need to. The harder the climb the better the view, isn’t just associated with mountains but for all aspects of life. Keep putting one step in front of the other …don’t look back, the past ain’t going nowhere…and the future ain’t gonna wait. You’ve got this :blush:

2 Likes
7

@Mr_Kink1
The road to recovery is a long one isn’t it, you sound like your on the right path, it’s so very easy to fall back into bad habits, simply to numb the pain or emptiness.

I wish you well, and it’s great to hear an update x

L x

2 Likes
8

@Mr_Kink1 I think we are a lot alike in numerous ways and different in others. If I want it. I get it. And I really have never been denied anything I’ve wanted (when it comes to “feeding the monster).” I’m a self diagnosed sex addict, with a morality clause - I’ve never cheated on anyone, it it weren’t for that last addendum, I would be a self diagnosed sex addict.

I’ve never struggled with alcohol or other substances. But, well. When I’m single, heh. Sex was enough by itself to account for all forms of addiction for me though. I have won the Sexual Russian Roulette Wheel my entire life somehow, with no STDs in spite of a stunning lack of attempt to do so with as many women as I’ve been with.

(Yay me. How does this relate to you and your struggles?)

I had a 3 year period where I worked intensively on myself. You mention spirituality. This, was my spiritual journey. I reached such a low with 3+ random women a day when single, after a (much like your co-dependency revelation), that I knew I had to change myself for myself.

I went cold Turkey for 3 years. Purely celibate. I had to change my phone number to stop the incessant late night “come hither,” calls. I had to stop going anywhere other than for professional purposes, as everyone that knew me knew me for a reason and that was the reason I was trying to avoid engaging in.

I found a new social circle of people that weren’t all bar flies/club heads. People that were interested in things in life other than just “feeding the monster.”

I fell back on my teenage roots of Yoga and meditation and self reflection. And for exactly three years I was completely celibate. To the point of no nocturnal emissions even. I promise I did not think that last part was possible, but, apparently it was.

What I learned about myself, for myself, and for the betterment of those who met me after that point in time, far exceeded all of the fetishistic level of “sexual pleasing,” I engaged in daily before that point.

Once I understood who I was outside of sex and a relationship and stopped fixating on “the woman for me,” and the primarily sexual routes I was pursuing to find her. Well. It happened by itself. When I had literally given up on it ever happening.

I cannot guarantee you the same results. But, I can guarantee you, that the more self knowledge you have as to why certain things are creating obstacles in your path, and learn how to remove or remedy them, the faster you’ll find happiness.

And I can caution you to stop seeking happiness as strongly as I was. In my case, it was only when I stopped seeking happiness, that it came to me in the rarest of rare circumstances. In the form of someone I would have never thought would bring me happiness (because I had an idealized type that I always chased), from the other side of the United States as a pure coincidence encounter while visiting friends.

Sometimes. Your subconscious, the universe, your higher power of choice. Only speaks to you when you’re ready to listen. Sometimes, in my experience, that only comes when I felt like I was at rock bottom.

So keep doing what you’re doing. Keep working on yourself. When you struggle, try focusing on helping someone else around you, even with the simplest of things. Be patient. Listen. Tame the beast. Stop looking for what will make you happy. Be receptive to happiness when it presents itself to you. And while it may not seem like it right now, it will pay off. When it does, you won’t regret the path of self improvement/enlightenment/betterment you’ve chosen to embark upon. Neither will those around you.

Keep up the fight. While surrendering to the process. And know you’re on the right path.

9

@Mr_Kink1 I hope you realise how far you have come already, Im really proud of you. Your insight is just wonderful.

As you know I am on a similar journey myself; my battle was initially getting over a breakup - anxiety, depression and OCD (that I didnt previously acknowledge to myself). I was so detached from myself that I honestly believed that I was “fine” and “just lazy”. Then as the dust settled on the end of my marriage I had to face the fact that my total lack of boundaries and self love had landed me in every (I mean every) bad situation in my entire life.
Thankfully I have an amazing CBT counsellor who has helped me look at everything in a healthier way. I know that none of it was my fault and Im not going to do that again. The future is exciting.

Im having small victories every day, tonight I changed two blown bulbs in the kitchen. Id never have attempted that 6 months ago.

Every night in bed I tell myself that “I love you” … and I mean it.

We got this!!

5 Likes
10

One day at a time @Mr_Kink1 sounds like you are on the right path, just a few hills to climb first, but the view will be grand when you get there x

1 Like
11

Thank you @Anony for taking time to share your story, has given me strength and inspiration!
Your journey sounds the path I am taking, or at least trying to :smiley:

Yes, spiritually, and that connection with the authentic me, that is what I am looking towards. It feels some way off getting there, but it’s because I want it, right now. I know this is my ego, my cognitive mind, my defense systems. And I have to be kind and patient to myself to allow those to come down as they become ready - with self-reflection, self-care, and a little bit of self love.
Patience, acceptance of where I am, are key.

Loved reading your story. And completely identify with the ‘sex addict with a morality clause’. I think for me it is more the relationship I am addicted to, then the sex aspects of that. As soon as my relationship ended, even with it being myself that ended it, there is that void, and a need for external validation to feel loved - because I do not love myself.
I cannot self-esteem, and depend on others to do that for me.

A big spiritual, and learning of self, journey lays ahead. As dark as it seems at times, I am determined to enjoy the journey itself, and let my higher power decide where that actually takes me.

1 Like
12

@The_Little_Ladybird It is always inspiring to see an update on your journey, and I have always related to a lot that you post.
It’s not an easy journey is it, but it sounds like you are learning so much about yourself, and really enjoying the journey.

My counsellor focuses on Inner Child work, which is where I have a disconnect. Our sessions are quite intense, and where I realize my defense system and barriers are quite complex. I unpick one lock to find a series of other obstacles right behind them. It is incredible how sophisticated our heads are, and I am realizing how much pain I went through in the past for all of these layers to be put in place to protect little me.

Slowly but surely though, with patience, care and love, I will get through them. In some ways I am making good progress, in others, I am finding avoidance and obstacles to doing simple things I know are good for me. Knowing when to push through and be strong, and when to give myself a rest and be kind, is difficult. My default is black and white thinking, all or nothing. 150mph forward or flat out reverse, very rarely coasting at 30mph enjoying the scenery.

I am going to give some thought to a morning and evening routine, for self reflection and self care. I think that will make a difference for me, having some structure in place.

2 Likes
13

Yep, absolutely, the past no longer scares me, I’ve lived it made my choices and I am where I am. That elusive time machine simply doesn’t exist. I’m not even looking to the future, just trying to live in the moment, one day at a time.
Thank you for your kind words.

2 Likes
14

Thank you @Green_Eyed_Girl, sending hugs right back to you too!

Yes, lots of fear I think at the moment, but I know it will pass, all in good time when it is ready!
I think with those things you mention, my default is ‘well, this would be so much better with someone that loves me’, rather than enjoying the moment with myself. Glass half empty, wanting what I want, rather than accepting where I am.
Something I need to push my boundaries with, all in good time, and start having some ‘date nights’ with myself. That just popped into my head reading your post, so thank you for that - something to add to my routine. One night a week shall be ‘Date Night’ for Little Me and Big Me to share some love.

Thank you for your kind words, vm appreciated!

1 Like
15

I despise social media with a passion! Although I have found I’ve been spending a little more time on it last month as a way of staying connected to Mrs_Kink in terms of her posts and whats going on.
That of course needs to stop, as I’ve typed that it feels rather stalkerish!

1 Like
16

Thank you @Oldman, I’d saying I am beginning to understand a lot, and action needed to process it. Yep, trying not to put a time limit on anything, other than having this year for me, almost as a line in the sand - no romance, no relationships, no hook-ups this year. Well, none external, only with me myself and I.

17

Thank you all for your comments, so very much appreciated, and very much the reason I am still here lurking - such an incredible forum, with so much support and incredible members.
I truly am grateful to you all :people_hugging: :hugs: :people_hugging: :hugs:

2 Likes
18

@Mr_Kink1 Im pleased that I am helping you a little.

Regarding social media I blocked my ex on Instagram (and explained to him why). I remain Facebook friends with him but dont follow him or ever look at his page. Its been 100% the best thing for me.

Ultimately no one lied, cheated etc and one day Id like us to be friends but thats a way off x

19

:slight_smile: You’ve helped a lot!

Yep, we are fortunate where there is nothing like that which has gone on, and I am determined not to cause animosity in that sense either (my values more than anything).

Friends side of things I have had to say I will stop messaging, realised I was still expecting too much, and most likely for wrong reasons (external validations again). So that is a lot better now, I just need to stop being curious, find acceptance and let things be as they are and should be, rather than me trying to control everything.

1 Like
20

@Mr_Kink1

I’m glad some of what I typed in my previous book resonated with you. :wink:

Just remember, there’s an old adage that’s old, for a reason.

To love others, first you must love yourself. ( I always add understand yourself, to be able to love yourself).

Sounds to me like you’re on the right path and I encourage you to keep it up.