Wishing you the best @Mr_Kink1 
Stay strong @Mr_Kink1 we are all here for you should you need to talk and chat, we aren’t experts…what we are is great listeners and friends to you. Lots of love 
xxx
A wee update from me and my lil Monster.
First of all, thank you all for your thoughts and comments, they really have helped me a lot, knowing that others can relate and have been through similar and come (or are coming) out the other side.
So it’s been a month from when I posted this initially.
Same status, still lurking, and mindful of what I read. I can get a little envious of those where all is nice and cushty, my mind drifts back to my ex-partner and I start to wonder where, or how things went to where they did, and what could be done to change things and make it all better. It’s simple really, it just went where it did - the how or why is irrelevant.
I am becoming more accepting of how/where things are at this moment. My spiritual faith is returning, as is my gratitude for life and what I do have.
I still need more time, as mentally I either am, or want to be, still with Mrs_Kink. And that’s OK, it will pass when it’s ready.
We have exchanged the odd message. We talked on the phone for a little while and that was really nice, hearing she is OK and having a catch up.
I mentioned in my comments above I would be looking at my morning and evening routine. Well, I did that. I looked. I’ve not started doing. A little bit of rebellion in me, a little fear around change. I have been very busy and not wanted to overload myself. Its my excuse for now, and I’m sticking to it 
I will be doing more in terms of putting in action for this though, it will be helpful.
Work has been hectic, which is a blessing. I have upped recovery meetings, and of course counselling (college, personal therapy, clients & supervision). I have talked about current situation, my feelings etc., from a lot of different angles. That is a big part of why things are shifting, and of course I have to ensure I am doing the right thing working with my existing clients.
So, what of my Monster?
Well, I have to say, he has not been rampaging so much. I have to be careful as I could type for England on this at the moment, and mindful of sending you to sleep.
I’ve been doing work to understand what is going on here, and part of why I have felt so much darkness and pain around it is my inner teenage child’s plans to make me feel better are completely against my adult morals and values. In fact, my morals and values have always been the same, adding to call the confusion and pain with it.
When he rampages, which of course is just my way of being able to express how it feels in my head, he the thoughts, urges, obsessions, are all based around either getting my end away or finding another relationship.
Adult Mr Kink knows I do not want either of these to happen, and I am very pleased to say I have not allowed this to happen. It’s been a battle, but I have done what I know is right for me.
I have been doing lots to connect with my Monster more. I am told I shouldn’t use that name, but I still do. For me, I am starting to liken my monster to Sulley from Monsters Inc.
We are getting a little closer, but there is a lot more of work to do.
There has been a Mic Drop moment, and I think my connecting, and this particular realisation has shifted things a lot.
The purpose behind the rampages, my monster wanting me to get my end away with anything, is actually something he learnt second hand.
It has come from someone else in my family. This person could not hold themselves accountable for things done. My counsellor has suggested there is the potential I have ‘inherited’ this persons shame.
This person behaved in the way my Monster wants me to behave also, and the work we have been doing on this just makes sense - it feels like a missing puzzle piece and has removed the confusion around things.
I am hoping that with a little more time I can connect better with Sulley, as I will now call my Monster. I am no longer going to battle with him. He needs love and reassurance that we have done no wrong, and learn to let go of this shit that is not mine to own.
The other big realisation from when I posted this a month ago is that I have made a lot more progress, even at that point, than I allowed myself to consider. There is still a lot I want to achieve, and the focus this year is still on me finding myself as best I can, and becoming best of friends with Sulley.
Final thing I’ll say is I am nowhere near where I want to be, yet I know I am exactly where I need to be right now, in this moment.
Have a great weekend everyone!
PS @The_Little_Ladybird tag as requested. Not quite the update I thought it was going to be, but it happens to be what’s come out
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@Mr_Kink1 thank you for tagging me as requested.
There is so much positivity in your post and you are working really hard.
My journey has been rather different. I had to analyse everything from where my relationship failed to why I treated myself poorly and almost timeline it out before I felt the dread and anxiety disperse.
My “monster” has largely left home now. I don’t need him anymore. I wonder if a few months down the line you find that too.
Keep prioritising yourself and get a routine going if you can.
Lots of love
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