I come to you asking for some help. My bit of fella on the side seems to have collapsed into some kind of weird breakup. While yes, I'm sad and hurt, I also know that since it was fairly new to the both of us that I should get over it reasonably quickly.
My only problem is, that my side guy was responsible for my sexual needs. My partner, the one I'm engaged to agreed I was allowed someone to handle that side of me, since his sex drive is so low. I don't want to let all my progress getting to know myself again slide back into never having any experiences or pleasure out of my body but equally, I'm not ready for a new buddy yet.
Any suggestions, Words of comfort or hugs would be so appreciated. My heart hurts.
Time, it's an old old old cliché but it will get better (I know it sounds rich coming from me). Surrounding yourself with friends and family is good too,people who care about you.it doesn't have to be there to offer support perse, just to enjoy them as friends. Massive hugs 🤗
Ember take what you learned and find ways to enjoy your body solo. People come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes that is a lifetime other times a season.
I don't want to be nosey but is there a medical reason your fiance lacks a sexual appetite? If you are serious about marrying this person you may wan to think about how satisfied you will be long term if the sexual intimacy is lacking. I know that may not be helpful but exploring the emotions you feel about loosing your "sexy buddy" may actually be more related to what you are lacking in your main relationship. You obviously do not need to respond or answer as it is not my business but I am tring to be helpful here as I have been through this with a close friend a few years ago.
Hey Ember, I'm sorry to hear of your current situation. I'm echoing words.
Solo can be so much fun and totally make up for not having another lover on the scene, there's no moaning of arguments or demands to be met, just you and your toys and years of pleasure
Try not to think you've lost the last few months as you've gained imo, learning about yourself sexually.
It's always going to be difficult losing a relationship, no matter the nature of it. Things will improve and may even get better than when you were seeing this person, as some of the things you learnt were pleasurable can be out into solo play. Obviously there's some things that can't be done alone but you get the jist.
I would advise having some time alone to see if the guy you're with is going to satisfy your needs as marriage is forever and it'd be ashame to find out down the line you're not compatible.
I hope you figure things out soon hunni. Also if you need advice about toys etc then there's lots open to you here. Take care xx
If you are serious about marrying this person you may wan to think about how satisfied you will be long term if the sexual intimacy is lacking.
+1 I also do not think its a good idea to go into marriage with this 'agreement' you have with your fiance. You'll forevermore be in this predicament, if your future buddy 'breaks' up with you, you'll always be searching, time that will not dedicated to your husband, attention unpaid your husband rightly deserves, i think the best thing to do is find someone who satisfies you completely? and vise versa. Im saying this with love, as my fwb gets what he wants only from me, he hasnt found it with anyone else, so i do understand where youre coming from. But the difference is if he decided to 'break up' i wouldnt be hurt or upset, hell id be a little frustrated if anything but certainly not somewhat heartbroken. I too would be forevermore searching but my kinks arent extreme and can be fulfilled. you saying youre hurt tells me that you have some kind of bond/feelings with this guy. this all sounds really messy and i hope things clean up for you soon. i prescribe time and a lot of thinking about what you really want. 🐼
Ember take what you learned and find ways to enjoy your body solo. People come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes that is a lifetime other times a season.
I don't want to be nosey but is there a medical reason your fiance lacks a sexual appetite? If you are serious about marrying this person you may wan to think about how satisfied you will be long term if the sexual intimacy is lacking. I know that may not be helpful but exploring the emotions you feel about loosing your "sexy buddy" may actually be more related to what you are lacking in your main relationship. You obviously do not need to respond or answer as it is not my business but I am tring to be helpful here as I have been through this with a close friend a few years ago.
+2 great. Advice.
Emerse yourself here at Lovehoney, explore your sexuality with toys and solo play. So when your new Buddy comes along you know wharf you want and how to get it.
Hugs Ember I know its tough now as I'm in a very similar situation. Sex drives and sexual needs that are unforfilled chew away at our normal everyday being. Not feeling complete do to the lack of sexual release undermines us for sure.
I came on today after lounging around in my PJ's yesterday (I also ate alot of cold food out of the fridge at 4am)
My partner enjoys self pleasure. He doesn't wish to partake in the activity with me. I know it's a strange situation, I've tried so much and we've talked so much but nothing changes. We're tied into a house and all sorts.
I think you're right...I have gained alot in the last few months in terms of exploring my body and solo play. Just a bit lost as to how to continue it without that reactive stimulant there (IE the man fluff)
Hi, you might think I'm way off the mark, but I am known for my practical suggestions.
If you partner doesn't want you to partake in his pleasure, does this mean he doesn't want to partake in yours? Have you masterbated infront of him, even for him to watch? What does he like to watch or look at while he indulges in solo play? If he has a type of porn for example, could you two record you doing the act, so that you could be the focus of his pleasure?
Now im a huge fan of blindfolded sensual pleasure, sensory play with temperature and texture. This way your OH could enjoy the sensations while imagining what or who he wants. If and when he allows himself to enjoy this change in play, you repeat the episode focusing on what excites him, then slip the blindfold a little, bringing him into the room with you and out of the fantasy. Once he associates his pleasure with you, your sexual pleasure side of your relationship should blossom.
This is not a quick fix, it will take some time, but you need to switch his focus, so that he associates his pleasure with you, that's the key.
It's been going on for so long that I have a complete sexual block with my partner. Like I tried so, so much and each time he rejected me. Left my self confidence rock bottom. I struggle to get aroused with him or even know what to do now...
Aww sweetie your situation sounds so difficult. Now it makes sense as to why you developed feelings for this guy, he showed you the attention, affection, whilst fulfilling your sexual needs when your partner rejected them.
So you've gained alot from the experience, Take confidence from everything you've learnt about yourself, the experiences and emulate what you can with solo play.
Honestly, some time to yourself could really help you out to discover what you want for the future. Have you got family or friends you could lean on to talk to and get a place of rest for a wee while?
Really hope things calm down for you soon. Sending big hugs 😙💗xx
I know you said that you've tried talking to your fiancé about his low sex drive/solo pleasure. I am just wondering if this has always been an issue? Or has it happened over time? I am wondering if there may be an underlying reason as to why he is disinterested and he feels he can't talk to you about it.
I really do understand how you are feeling and how you have given up on your sexlife with your fiancé as there is only so much rejection anyone can take. I think your fiancé is being unfair to you by actively encouraging you to get your sexual pleasure elsewhere. Emotions always come into it especially for us women. You are being hurt by your fiancé and hurt by your bit on the side and as others have rightly pointed out this will recur unless you manage to resolve this by sorting it out with your fiancé or making a break from him. I know you said there are property ties and other things but ultimately your health and happiness is at stake here. The only other resolution would be to agree to an open relationship. As others have said you need to take time out to think about what you really want. If it was me I would be giving your fiancé an ultimatum, if you want to work it out with him. You haven't said if you love your fiancé or not, but I do think that is something you need to be asking yourself. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. 😘
It's been going on for so long that I have a complete sexual block with my partner. Like I tried so, so much and each time he rejected me. Left my self confidence rock bottom. I struggle to get aroused with him or even know what to do now...
...hence why my manfluff was so good :<
you have to decide if that is good enough for you forever? it wouldnt be for me. sex is hugely important to me (and im single!) so being with someone they'd have to be my sexual equal or at least somewhat matching. Your fiance has to decide too, does HE want someone who isnt his sexual equal? that he knows he cannot satisfy? i understand you both have the housing issue but in my opinion life is too short. But regardless, a wedding and possibly a divorce would be monumentally more expensive. I dont mean to be a debbie downer but I am trying to be realistic rather than just prescribing you rose tinted spectacles and a pat on the back.
Hey Ember, just read this thread and it broke my heart  I cannot imagine how upsetting it must be for you. I prefer being physically close to another person too - it's just not the same alone. Kinkyboots mentioned that emotions are always involved, and I certainly agree! I think they're involved in both men and women, and I'd try to talk to him again in a non-sexual setting.
It does sound to me like you actually want your partner to be sexually involved with you (correct me if I'm wrong!). Just put it to him that you want to be able to share the experience with him, and that you believe this is part of sharing a life together. Then see what he says in response and how he reacts. I really do believe that healthy relationships are built on both parties giving to each other and prioritizing the other over themselves. Selfishness (especially unexplained ones) is just hurtful in the end.
I really hope you find the courage to do and say what needs to be done/said, and I hope your partner is understanding and loving towards you. Sending virtual hugs to you! 
I can't help but think that her OH might be asexual. My sister is asexual so I've read up about it and found that some asexual people enjoy masturbating but does not want sex and others want neither.
So... My point is: You guys should not judge him without knowing his the true story here. If she loves the guy but still need sex then I think her previous arrangement was a good one. Asexual people are people too and should not be preassured into having sex. They also deserve love and to have a good relationship. This is my opinion on the matter.
So... My point is: You guys should not judge him without knowing his the true story here. If she loves the guy but still need sex then I think her previous arrangement was a good one. Asexual people are people too and should not be preassured into having sex. They also deserve love and to have a good relationship. This is my opinion on the matter.
I've been closer to Ember C's OH situation (in terms of quantity over a long term) and if he feels the same way as I did, then there's a whole host of issues that don't involve in want of a better phrase abusing her rights to a sex life. Sxieksaker is so right IMHO about this and it seems to me that until now they've had an arrangement that worked for both.
I hope that it is resolved in a way that suits all involved.
I do love my partner, where do you draw the line? I can't make him have sex with me. I've spoken to him alot, bought toys, encouraged but now, I just can't even bring myself to try. It feels too damaging to me.
I don't really know what I'm going to do. It is getting a little easier each day- I'm still having a few wobbles where I want to grab my phone and send my ex man-fluff a message but I think it would be futile.
I do appreciate everyones openness and acceptance here. It's nice to be able to speak without being judged <3
I do love my partner, where do you draw the line? I can't make him have sex with me. I've spoken to him alot, bought toys, encouraged but now, I just can't even bring myself to try. It feels too damaging to me.
I don't really know what I'm going to do. It is getting a little easier each day- I'm still having a few wobbles where I want to grab my phone and send my ex man-fluff a message but I think it would be futile.
I do appreciate everyones openness and acceptance here. It's nice to be able to speak without being judged <3
Sxleksaker - that is why I asked if it had always been an issue or not. There is no indication either way and that's why I mentioned talking with her fiancé or an open relationship or to split up. Whatever the reason Ember is understandably upset and that is what I was trying to help her with. This subject is very close to my heart because I have been through the very same and I know what it feels like to be pushed away without explanation. I know how much it hurts and how you question if there is something wrong with you when your partner doesn't want any intimacy with you. I too got to the point where I gave up fighting for us as there is only so much you can do on your own and only so much rejection you can take. The problem wasn't because my partner was asexual either. It was because of erectile dysfunction and an underlying undiscussed fetish. This is why I was asking questions and if someone is asexual I agree it cannot be helped but it should be discussed with a potential life partner to give the other person the option of whether to stay in the relationship before making important commitments together (property etc) or it's misleading and unfair. It is a huge deal for a lot of people to be in a sexless relationship and although it's not the be all and end all it is still important to have intimacy.